AIBU to think that I'll never feel at home here?

[Mornel]

I've been in UK for 7 years now. But I often think that I'm not welcomed here. Me and my DH both are working, my DD1 is in year 8 now and doing brilliantly. My DS2 goes to nursery and does great there as well. So our kids are fully integrated. But I don't have any English friends and that makes me feel on the side of local life. I can't make people like me, but they never expressed any interest in making some kind of friendship. I love this country, here's my home. Just sometimes I feel sad that I'm not the part of this country..

Thank you longtallwalker. I'm not a sporty person at all but maybe it is the right time to start :)
I will think properly about everything I've read here and I'm sure something will change in my life.

The Rambling Association used to have special 'young' walkers groups (all relative, it was people in their twenties and thirties when I went as opposed to teenagers). I went to a couple in Norfolk, they were a friendly bunch and it's a nice way to get out and about with people. There are some beautiful places for walking in Suffolk, especially. Might be worth a google?

It is very clear to me, though, that British people aren't always friendly and relaxed with people from other countries.

What xenophobic rubbish.

Thank you Spudlet walking sounds much better than running for me

Same here!

Long time suffolk resident here, and apologist for the racist twats who reside in our county!

If you ever want a meet up, happy to do so, I am on the Suffolk/Essex border, but Ipswich is easy to get to.

PM me if so.

It is very clear to me, though, that British people aren't always friendly and relaxed with people from other countries.
Actually my experience is the opposite. People being very friendly and nice.
But as a foreigner, there are so many things you are likely to do that will look or sound ‘off’ that it is likely to lead to many misunderstandings. And the feeling that you might not be such a nice person after all.

Just look at what happened right at the start of this thread.
Or when I got some evil looks because I said I enjoyed the snow and had no issue at all with it (someone got actually very aggressive towards me because of that)
Very simple stuff, non issues really, not aggressive or rude or anything (or at the very least not intentionally so) but interpretated in a complete different way than it was intended (and according to rules that still escape me sometimes, even after 20 years).
That doesn’t help building relationships ime.

@Mornel you know, just posting here and keeping on chatting could lead to some genuine friendships. Of my closest friends, the ones absolutely dearest to my heart, I met two online and another two I met through the ones I met online. Only a small handful are people I met in real life first.

And what's wrong with enjoying the snow Married3Children?? I miss it so much here

May be you are right FeedtheTree. I never made friendship online, but anything can happen first time :)

To be fair, there are some people on here who get very cross with anyone who says they're happy in winter, no matter where they're from. Some people are just grumpy, regardless of culture 🤷‍♀️

I think we are meant to have some snow this week anyway - am hoping for the nice, build a snowman kind as opposed to the soggy, slushy, freezes your fingers and turns into ice immediately kind!

I know a lot of U.K. and some other EU expats who have settled in France and Spain, and most say that the most difficult thing is to progress beyond passing pleasant exchanges as acquaintances with their native born neighbours and colleagues, to a more intimate friendship. They find it easy to gather a wide number of people who will say hello, smile, chat briefly but the invites to a home or social activity don’t come.
I wonder whether people unconsciously don’t “waste” scarce time nurturing friendships with people they think, rightly or wrongly, might be transient. Those who have truly assimilated are often those with a native-born local spouse, which rather backs that up.
I think it is hard to build friendships for U.K. adults when they move to a new area, it helps if you are at the having babies stage or work in a sociable workplace, or study, but when people are settled in their lives and working with children, it’s hard enough to maintain longstanding friendships.

I do think activities are the way, it’s so easy to suggest a coffee on leaving a class/ finishing a walk, to someone you’ve enjoyed chatting to. It can easily become habitual and from there it’s a short jump to arranging to meet at another time.
I really hope you find friends.

Is there a Women’s Institute near you? Many of them have lots of young women these days.

School pickup is notoriously difficult to build a friendship group.

I OUGHT to find it easy, I am 2nd generation resident of a small village, my mum worked at the school, I was going to that school before current headmaster was born.

I still get frozen out from the cliquey friendship groups.

I think in my case im seen as odd because I work full time, (most of the playground mums at our school don’t ) and I have lived abroad, which marks me out as unusual and frankly I AM a bit geeky. So I don’t quite fit into that unwritten insular social structure.

If it’s any consolation OP I’d gravitate to you in the playground, you sound lovely and I like to meet people from other cultures.

Oh yes, the twenties-thirties young ramblers groups which spudlet mentioned are lovely.
You don’t have to go every week, but it’s a good way to meet people!

Hi I feel really sad that you feel like this. You could start a group yourself for expats or a hobby interest group. Is it English people who aren’t friendly or you just don’t get a chance to make wider friendship group?

You write English quite well and I assume you speak well, too. So be proud of your language skills; the people you meet probably don't speak any foreign languages as well as you speak English!

It must be difficult for you to find the time to go to any sort of group. But if you can, I suggest, as others have, that you find one which will give you an opportunity to meet other people. I go to a group that knits for charity; we meet once a week and talk about all sorts of things, and no one cares where anyone else comes from. Your local library or Citizens Advice Bureau might have information about what is going on locally. And what about local churches?

I come from abroad, too, and initially found British people hard to meet and to make friends with. It takes time and patience and perseverance. But eventually you will establish solid friendships.

Good luck.

My wife is Italian but been here 40 years now. She has plenty of friends but it does seem she finds it easier to make friends with other ex pats. We live in London so very easy to meet all nationalities. I can imagine Suffolk it may be harder but with the internet these days should be quick to locate ex pats in Suffolk and Norfolk. For her it was making friends first, nationality unimportant and yes she also has a couple of British friends now

I would second KEF411....find a church to go to

OP i think I can understand how you may feel. Have you tried "meetup" you can join many groups / activities / attend talks. I have met a few lovely ppl and we have become friends and now socialise outside of the groups. I joined a couple that were all female - walking / coffee etc but there are lots to choose from. I'm not sure about your area but look it up and check.
I really do feel for you as it's a sinking when you feel isolated. I hope things get better for you

I think it is partly to do with the area you have moved into and partly your feeling 'detached'. I would definitely get involved at the nursery if I could - my DD's nursery relies heavily on any extra funding that can be raised through events and school fairs etc. I see that you have a job and this could be difficult for you but the committee meetings are not that regular - weekly at busy times and less frequent during the lulls in activity. Has you're husband settled into the area - made friends through work or hobbies? You sound adrift at the moment - but just a few meetings at school, where other mums can listen to you and relate to your ideas could be all you need to set you on the road to a new set of friends. I hop you do feel more settled but at the moment it is up to you to make the first move unfortunately. Good luck .

Hi Op try volunteering at charity shops, National Trust, or English Heritage. Or if you have an interest in animals you could try offering to help at a local stables or zoo/farm? Or churches, especially if you have an interest in flower arranging? Good luck, if I lived in Suffolk I'd meet up with you too, as others have said. And honestly don't feel its because you are from another country that people won't make friends with you- I'm British born and bred, and moved 4 miles a few years ago so my children had to move school, and it took me years to make a solid friendship! It does get better.

I feel like that too

Sixteenapples she wasn't being rude at all

I came over six years ago, and after about two, I knew I was never going back. It does help that I'm in London - in the countryside people always seem taken aback by my accent.

I do feel at home here, and I guess it helped that after a year I acquired a British boyfriend. :) My circle of friends are all Brits or international types; I don't socialise with people from my home country: I'm very much on the left and a feminist, and my home country is quite traditional and patriarchal. Hence me living here.

I adore London, and I feel completely integrated. I work, go to uni, volunteer for a mental health charity in my neighbourhood. I can't imagine ever going back. I plan to get my British citizenship, though I consider myself a 'citizen of nowhere'.

A practical advice: volunteering even a couple hours per week could be a nice way to connect with locals. Also adjusting your expectations: according to many we will always be foreigners here, but that's not your problem, it's theirs. :) I'm a Londoner, and I'll fight anyone who tries to insist that I don't belong. :p

Give yourself time - you need experience and practice to really learn the ins and outs of British life. Listen to the radio, watch TV shows, read English books and magazines. All that will help you to get acquainted with British culture. All the best. Don't despair. Xx