AIBU to think that I'll never feel at home here?

[Mornel]

I've been in UK for 7 years now. But I often think that I'm not welcomed here. Me and my DH both are working, my DD1 is in year 8 now and doing brilliantly. My DS2 goes to nursery and does great there as well. So our kids are fully integrated. But I don't have any English friends and that makes me feel on the side of local life. I can't make people like me, but they never expressed any interest in making some kind of friendship. I love this country, here's my home. Just sometimes I feel sad that I'm not the part of this country..

The comment from the poster above about finding the words "if its relevant" rude made me think of something that may be helpful to you (or may be a total "yes thats obvious, of course I know that).

There are a lot of unspoken cultural norms that can make it hard for someone in a new country - things like "what is a good distance from someone to stand when you talk to them", whats normal in one country can be uncomfortably far inside someones personal space in a different country. In the UK the norms tend to be "personal space is about the reach of someones arm" and "conversation is quite self-deprecating and also very polite". For example, in some countries it would be seen as totally fine to say "you look terrible! That dress is far too bright for you and your bottom is getting fat!" - it would be stating facts and trying to help you. In the UK, it would be unforgivably rude.

DeathStare, I'm in Suffolk in quite big town. Local life is a bit quiet for me as I used to live in the capital in my home country

I wondered whether that might be the case. Is there any possibility you could move to a bigger city? You might find that somewhere more multi-cultural and with more going on might have better options for you to make friends.

I didn't think you were being rude either OP. Have you tried chatting at school gates/nursery and maybe inviting another mum for a coffee or play date with your child? At my DD's school there were quite a few families from eastern Europe, Latvians were among them. I would have like to make friends but they all stuck together and ignored the rest of us apart from one family. Th mum made lots of friends because she broke out of that group. it can be intimidation from both sides. I wish you luck and you are very welcome.

It is very hard. I have been in the UK a similar length of time and am really torn between feeling I don't fit in here but don't really fit in at "home" anymore either. Unfortunately I don't live near you or I'd offer to make friends!

intimidating not intimidation!

There are about 4/5 mums, that are obviously foreign, that I see at my GS's school when I pick him up.

I say 'obviously' because they always stand in their own clique chatting in their own language.

Even when they are stood on their own, they are talking on their phones, in their own language.

I have noticed the other mums trying to be friendly to them, but to no avail - they are not interested. Which is a real shame.

So it can work both ways.

OP, I could have written your post word for word, except that I am English but moved to Sweden 3.5 years ago. I don't feel welcome here, I do not have one Swedish friend. I have offered to volunteer (knocked back) invited people over (not turned up), threw a big fireworks night - none of my neighbours turned up. This week my 10 year old had a playdate, the child arrived at 1 and at 7pm my daughter said 'xxxx' has gone home, I said 'I didn't here them knock, why didn't you call me?' She replied 'They didn't knock, they pulled into the drive and then text xxxxxx to come outside'. After six hours, they couldn't get out of the car to say Hej, how did it go or thanks. Its difficult, OP I really feel for you. It's really knocked my confidence too.

I hate to say this but my dad came to the UK in the early early 50s from Italy which was in a terrible state after the war and he never really felt at home in the UK.

He thought this was a wonderful country, was incredibly thankful and grateful to have come here and always said how he would never have been as successful in Italy after the war. However despite living here for 65 years (he moved her aged 21 and died aged 86) he never really felt at home here either, not truly.

He wasn't really truly at home in Italy either when he spent time there, which he did a lot after retirement. I think this was an constant source of sadness for him.

I think this is incredibly common for people who move countries as adults (or even as young teenagers). There is often a sort of longing for "home" that never truly goes away. Some languages even have a specific word for the feeling.

When people post on here asking about moving to other countries I see many people saying how exciting it is,how it will give more opportunities etc , most of which is very often true but like many things in life, it come at a price, a quite painful price for many people.

This sense of not truly belonging in one place (or another) is not a problem for some people, but for others it is a source of real sadness for many.

I think what can help is to find other people in a similar situation, so others who have moved and who may feel similarly to you. Also to accept in some ways that a true sense of belonging to a place is not always achiveable if you move a long way away but that there are compensations (assuming you moved for good reasons)

Become an alcoholic. Brits will soon accept you as one of their own. You'll probably get a promotion at work too (if you work for Brits).

Very helpful

Take heart in the fact that you have made 2 friends. You are part of this country, you have chosen it as the place for your family to live and are making a good life for them.
Volunteering or WI are both goods options if you are religiously inclined a church might be a good place to meet people and volunteer. Re the friends that moved away have you thought of seeing if you can find them on social media so you can chat to them and see how they are settling in?
Msrp2009 has a good point I think it is quite common to feel this as your kids get older whether you’ve been here all your life or not.

Become an alcoholic. Brits will soon accept you as one of their own. You'll probably get a promotion at work too (if you work for Brits).

Anymore xenophobic stereotypes you'd like to share? Or is it just Brits that are fair game?

Sally people are allowed to speak their own language. And your example doesn't relate at all to what the OP is asking. She's obviously open to making friends.

I teach groups of mums in schools and children's centres and very often the mums in the group have never spoken to each other, despite their kids being at the same school. This is especially true with mums who have come from different countries. I love teaching these groups - people are always surprised at how much they have in common.

It is very clear to me, though, that British people aren't always friendly and relaxed with people from other countries. I wish that wasn't the case - it's so hard to move country.

You sound lovely OP - if I was in Suffolk I'd be your friend!

It can take a while to make friends when you move to a new place. Shared interests can help. Could you join a choir? Start doing parkrun every week? Join a church/synagogue/temple?

Become an alcoholic. Brits will soon accept you as one of their own. You'll probably get a promotion at work too (if you work for Brits).

ODFOD

I'm part of a women's social group www.ladiescircle.co.uk/ they might have something near you.

Bloody hell @sixteenapples if that's the reception the OP is getting here I'm not surprised she feels unwelcome. How bloody rude you are!

I feel really sad that you feel unwelcome OP. Though I know just what you mean about not feeling "at home" - and I'm only living in a different part of England from where is home to me so I know just how you feel

Also have a look at volunteering for the National Trust if you have anything nearby

If you have come across people like sixteen apples OP, I don't blame you for not feeling at home. Completely unreasonable response.

I moved from another part of the country to live where i live now, and was quickly told that" outsiders"were not welcome,even told if yuou were divorced with children you have no chance of renting anywhere privately,
I still have no close friends and anyone i am even remotely friendly with is also an outsider,
I have lived here 50 years, so its not just people from other countries who are made to feel unwelcome

Well - you've just seen first hand how people can totally get the wrong end of the stick, even between English people! (BTW you weren't being rude! And the 'alcoholic' post was a joke!)

Funnily enough I was having this exact conversation today with a friend - both our parents were 'in-comers' and despite my mum living in England for 60 years and totally giving up her previous nationality and language, and really wanting to be English, - she never is English enough. Feels like she is not part of either culture now.

I think it's natural. I live in a different country now and have been made to feel welcome - but I feel always on the back foot; like I don't know quite how to behave, or how to say or act, automatically like I would do in UK.

I’m born and bred English , and to be honest 3 of my bestest friends are not English. One is Spanish, one Persian and 1 Irish. Most of the people I work with are from other countries. We are all like a family including the other English people. I struggle to fit in on the school run. Even though I made no effort neither has anyone else. One of my friends at work is Latvian she seems to do alright. I guess it’s the people around you aswell.

yaaass My approach was to reply to her thread and ask about herself - intending to start a conversation and share experiences. It is the obvious question.
It was dismissed.

OP Thank you for saying that you didn't mean to be rude - although I suspect that yaaass probably did. I hope that you do meet some people that you like but you have to like them first that's the point. If you really like someone then ask them for coffee. If you don't like them then you are better off without them anyway

I have lived in many countries and it is not always easy to feel at home. It helps if the locals feel that you like them and the place you all live- even if you are not there out of choice.

If you are suspicious of them they won't bother with you.

If you are waiting, as many are, just to prove that you are right - "I knew they were racist, unfriendly, ignorant, cold etc" then they will know that.

I lived in a very culturally different place from my home for several years and the worst offenders were the expats - the richer they were the more they felt entitled to make sweeping derogatory remarks about the "locals". In the end the locals - who were fine with me - mostly ignored them, or paid lip service to them and laughed at them behind their backs.

I hope things get better for you OP. Enjoy living here - it has lots to offer

sixteenapples The only person being rude on this thread is you

I'm another one OP who is from another country and has never felt quite like she's fit in. I did the PTA/class rep/organise the winter fair thing but never "clicked" with anyone enough to form a real friendship. I have invited families round for lunch/dinner but rarely get return invitations. I don't know why but with certain mums at my DCs' schools I always feel like I'm doing or saying "the wrong thing". That isn't to say I have no friends at all - on the few occasions when my DCs are selected for sport matches I can always find someone on the touch line to chat and have a real laugh with - but I know I don't have nearly the social life many of them appear to have or that I would like to have myself. I know I've probably got/developed a chip on my shoulder and out of an excessive sense of self defence I avoid them before they can avoid me.

I've been here over 17 years and I'm married to an Englishman and I'm a native English speaker. I used to long to take my family "back home" to live, but even if my DH agreed (which he won't), with the bozo currently running the place and a desire not to put my DCs in schools that require regular "active shooter drills" I know we're best to stay here. You would think that, having an English husband, he'd be schooling me on what to say/not to say but I seem to have found one of the very few men in England who truly does not give a shit what others think of him, so I feel I'm left to navigate everything on my own.

So given all the "advantages" I have I can understand completely OP how much more difficult your situation is. Add all the Brexit garbage on top, plus the fact that you're not around much due to your having a job and it can feel very lonely indeed.

I'm sorry too not to have any concrete suggestions for you, but from a lot of PPs here I hope you realise you are not alone.