Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I'll never feel at home here?

235 replies

Mornel · 23/02/2018 14:15

I've been in UK for 7 years now. But I often think that I'm not welcomed here. Me and my DH both are working, my DD1 is in year 8 now and doing brilliantly. My DS2 goes to nursery and does great there as well. So our kids are fully integrated. But I don't have any English friends and that makes me feel on the side of local life. I can't make people like me, but they never expressed any interest in making some kind of friendship. I love this country, here's my home. Just sometimes I feel sad that I'm not the part of this country..

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/02/2018 19:18

Ah Suffolk . Brexit culture is very rife sadly in rural areas ( not everyone I hasten to add ) where industry has changed and people do resent external foreign labour ‘taking their job’ . I don’t condone the attitude but I do realise how tough it is outside of areas with decent economies . And sure there are some lovely people you need to find them

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/02/2018 19:19

I was semi joking ! Moving to London is a HUGE upheaval and very expensive

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 19:22

I understand it was a joke stopfuckingshoutingatme :) I just was thinking about it myself couple of years ago and understand that it's not the place where I would like to be. But I like London's shops and restaurants BTW :)

OP posts:
OfDragonsDeep · 23/02/2018 19:23

Do you live in Ipswich by any chance? If so, there's your problem, it's a shithole

Earlyup · 23/02/2018 19:26

Yeah Norfolk here.
Contrary to other comments, I know some lovely people in Ipswich and thought of Suffolk a bit more 'cosmopolitan' as it's that much nearer London...

Davros · 23/02/2018 19:27

earlyup is right. There are many reasons to find it hard to make friends. Don't assume that being foreign is the reason, as we can attest

TonTonMacoute · 23/02/2018 19:27

I think it’s too simplistic to call it racism, but many rural areas are quite self contained, and don’t see lots of coming and going of new people. I think the PP who said that British people are quite reserved about making close friendships.

We moved out of London when we got married, my DH was born here (in the dark ages!) and so was my DS. When DS started primary school I was almost the only parent who did not grow up and go to school in the area. Many of the parents at the school were siblings or cousins, so had family relationships too. There were very few of us ‘outsiders’, and although I did make friends with a good group of mums, they were not really lasting once the DCs went to different schools.

I can understand why you are feeling demoralised by it OP, but it is an old joke in Britain that if you move to the country, you are not a local until you have been there for at least three generations. Don’t feel that it is your fault in anyway, and keep trying new things!

FeedtheTree · 23/02/2018 19:30

@Mornel It can take time. And I know a lot of British mums who feel the same as you do because they work. They don't get to do the school gate chat and volunteer for every PTA thing going. Not that PTA is the best source of friendship IME.

I know you're busy with work and two kids but if you are lonely it would be so good to find a hobby you really enjoy that can help you make friends. A friend of mine came to UK with no English at all and was incredibly shy for years. Then she joined an art class and we all started chatting while painting and sharing ideas for work and in the end became friends. Another friend joined a creative writing class, thinking it was an English class, as she didn't speak more than a few words. Within three years she was not only fluent but had been accepted onto an English MFA and got a distinction. She made good friends through that. The arts seem to particularly help people make close friendships but joining a sports team or running or walking club could also help.
Are there any family activities you could do with your children where you meet other families? If you're religious, a family friendly church is a good start. It can take ages. I've only really found close friends over the last five years in the village we moved to over twelve years ago and I'm British and volunteered like crazy to meet people.

LucyMorningStar · 23/02/2018 19:33

I'm from Riga too, hello! 😊 I've been here 12 years and it totally feels like home. Whenever I go back there now I feel I'm visiting rather than going home.

PM me if you want to talk anytime

Vibe2018 · 23/02/2018 19:40

I made friends with a good few people from abroad that I met at baby groups but every single one of them ended up moving away within about a year or two. It kind of makes me see foreign people now as more short-term friends and I'm not as inclined to put the effort in as I find it hard enough to make friends myself.

Also, I agree that lots of people, not just those from abroad, find it hard to connect with people and make proper friends later in life. A lot of people already have a group from school or university or else don't have time as they are too busy juggling their own children and work.

Also, some people naturally connect with people who have a similar background to them - like people who had a similar childhood or are from the same area or went to similar schools etc. This doesn't mean they think any less of people from abroad but just they might have less in common with them.

SheepyFun · 23/02/2018 20:06

Hi OP, I live in an English city (not London) where the vast majority of British people I know here moved here as adults (obviously the same is true of my non-British friends). It really makes a difference - I don't have any family living nearby, and that's normal for most people I know. It means that it's much easier to make real friends with others, even if you're new - when DH had to be rushed to hospital, there was no point calling my parents 250 miles away; I called a friend to look after DD. One (British) friend who used to live here, but has moved to a less transient city has found it really difficult to make proper friends, because most people have lived there their whole lives and have their families nearby. I realise it doesn't help you right now, but moving to a city (OK, the right city) would make a real difference long term.

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 20:06

I don't understand why everyone is so against Suffolk/Ipswich? :) It's not so bad at all :) And I don't think people here are racists.. Here are a lot of Eastern Europeans, Muslims and other foreigners so I think it's not a new thing for local people.

OP posts:
ZoSanDesu · 23/02/2018 20:28

Hi OP, I'm in Ipswich! I am from Suffolk but I lived in japan for most of my 20s so found making friends back here hard at first. If I'm near you, feel free to PM me.

littleredridinghoodgilet · 23/02/2018 20:31

I'm from your neighbor country , and i used to feel like this! I lived in London for many years and had "work friends " but that was not a real friendship, none on them lived locally to me so we never met up outside work.
Them we had kids and moved, i live up North now in a small town and after two years feel completely integrated. I have made so many friends, most of them British, and most of tgem through the local church but also baby group, school mums etc
I think sometimes it does depend on a area, people here have been very friendly and welcoming.

Kursk · 23/02/2018 20:37

OP I was British, I lived there for 30 years and it never felt like Home, I didn’t fit in, other than family I had no friends. I moved to a new country and it was the best thing I ever did.

NotAgainYoda · 23/02/2018 20:39

Ironically, I think that the playground is not the best place to make friends. People are sometimes not as open and friendly as all that because they are often a bit stressed at drop off and pick up time. Lots of people are just keeping their heads above water with all the demands of young children.

I also think that villages might be harder that cities, where everyone comes from somewhere else

I'd also like to say that if you feel threatened by people speaking their own home (non-British) language to each other then that might be your issue

P.S I think the alcohol comment was a joke Confused.

ivykaty44 · 23/02/2018 20:50

Join things like the WI in your area, sports clubs where you can make friends, PTA

spinn · 23/02/2018 20:57

Have a look at "I am a triangle"

laurzj82 · 23/02/2018 21:13

Hey OP, I feel a bit like this at times and I have lived her all my life! I am the border of Essex and Suffolk so if you are in south Suffolk I would gladly be your friend! 😊

Maria1982 · 23/02/2018 21:43

It is difficult to make new friends! It’s difficult as an adult (rather than a student) and it’s difficult when coming to the UK as a foreigner.
I came over from Spain when I was 20, and I am half Spanish half English, and I still found it super difficult- the English were so reserved compared to what I was used to, and I would maybe talk too much and scare them away 😂😂. In some ways the fact I spoke English well made it worse, because I didn’t ‘sound’ foreign, so people didn’t realise and couldn’t make allowances for it.
But I was lucky and eventually I found some friends.

Now my problem is they are mostly in london and I have left London.

Maria1982 · 23/02/2018 21:44

I would say there is good advice on this thread, and don’t give up! it’s difficult because you don’t have much spare time either, but I hope you will make a few friends in time.

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 21:52

I'm so glad I've posted here! :) All of you are very kind and supportive. That means a lot to me, thank you all!
I just want to say again that I don't blame British people for how I feel. It's just overall feeling in different country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 21:53

My life is settled now. I got a job which i really like, we finally live in our separate place, my kids are happy, I don't feel sad or bored at all. Quite opposite I'm really overwhelmed with all stuff going in my life. Working almost FT and having DD who's 13 and DS who's 4 is very umm.. exciting :) But sometimes in everyday life some little things make me remember that I don't belong here. That makes me feel the way I feel now actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 23:04

I'll definitely try all suggestions, just need to find some spare time :) This thread was really helpful and made me realise how many nice people are around :)

OP posts:
longtallwalker · 24/02/2018 08:10

OP your English looks very good to me so I wouldn't worry about English lessons. I think we English can be a tricky bunch to crack. Are you at all crafty or sporty? I think joining a club (being part of a new 'tribe') is quite helpful

  • a knitting or sewing group, or running club, or tennis club. I think we're far more likely to embrace in those sorts of cases. It shouldn't be like that, but I fear it is.
I lived abroad for 3 years and it was on a v expat setting so made no real Local friends. But I think that's a little different. You sound more settled than I was. Good luck x