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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I'll never feel at home here?

235 replies

Mornel · 23/02/2018 14:15

I've been in UK for 7 years now. But I often think that I'm not welcomed here. Me and my DH both are working, my DD1 is in year 8 now and doing brilliantly. My DS2 goes to nursery and does great there as well. So our kids are fully integrated. But I don't have any English friends and that makes me feel on the side of local life. I can't make people like me, but they never expressed any interest in making some kind of friendship. I love this country, here's my home. Just sometimes I feel sad that I'm not the part of this country..

OP posts:
TheresTheFlyingFuckIDontGive · 23/02/2018 17:06

Someone has already mentioned it, but do think about parkrun. You wouldn't have to run if you don't want to, but volunteering at a parkrun is a really good way to meet people. I moved across the country 10 years ago, and my three best friends are people I met through doing parkrun over here. Look on parkrun.com and see if there is one near you. They're on Saturday mornings at 9am and everyone's friendly.

Some places also have junior parkruns, which are for kids but adults volunteer there. That would mean that your kids can run too, as long as they're over 4. They're on Sundays, also at 9am.

sixteenapples · 23/02/2018 17:06

By the way - I have been to Latvia - worked in Riga for short spells but never lived there. Also speak a smattering of Rusian.

Lived in China for a while and never felt at home - loved it though. Even France - where I lived and worked for three years was never quite "home". If you travel enough though even your native country is no longer home any more.

Anyway - time to go as this is not a thread about cross culture or open mindedness it is about how awful the native Brits are - especially if they voted Brexit.

MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:07

This is where alcohol comes in, it makes us braver. Doesn't mean we are all heavy drinkers though!
I have friends that lived in Australia for a few years and took a while to adjust to new friends knocking gone the door with a bottle of wine uninvited. Not sure which I prefer.

rocketgirl22 · 23/02/2018 17:08

I have a few suggestions if you want to stay:

Work in a charity shop, lots of lovely people work there
Invite school mums over for dinner or drinks and see if there is anyone you would like to see again
Church and church groups
Exercise classes locally I made friends this way and it was great
Work in a pub - you will meet everyone then
Playdates for dc and then invite the mums for a (small) wine when they pick up
Host family days with other families at school
Or organise sunday lunch for your children's friends and their parents

MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:09

Anyway - time to go as this is not a thread about cross culture or open mindedness it is about how awful the native Brits are - especially if they voted Brexit.

What a charmer you are!

SantanicoPandemonium · 23/02/2018 17:11

Mornel I’ve no useful advice for you, but you’ve mentioned improving your English - I think your English is excellent!!! I wouldn’t have known from your posts that it wasn’t your first language, and it’s a hell of a lot better then my Russian Grin

MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:12

I agree Santa Star for OP from me!

MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:14

Right, OP I think the think to realise is that we are friendly, fun, loyal, kind people but we are very shy about these things. I think you can see from these posts that we re happy to chat albeit anonymously! If you can be brave enough to make the first move and not take our shyness personally you will make progress. Off now to act on my own advice. Good luck!

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:15

I never thought British people are awful sixteenapples. Quite opposite, I would like to know more about British people and their culture because I like this country. And as I said, I've met a couple of really nice English people who were really nice to me. And my post is just for a little talk with nice people :)

OP posts:
IceBearRocks · 23/02/2018 17:15

Are you in Ipswich???? It's the Hell of Suffolk!!!!

littlebillie · 23/02/2018 17:19

Join the WI it is very welcoming and there are normally side groups for special interests

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:23

Look on parkrun.com and see if there is one near you. They're on Saturday mornings at 9am and everyone's friendly.
I don't think I am the friendliest person on Saturday/Sunday morning TheresTheFlyingFuckIDontGive GrinBlush

OP posts:
allegretto · 23/02/2018 17:23

Believe me allegretto I've realised and accepted that I am foreigner a long time ago

Just wanted to clarify that it wasn't meant as a criticism! I have lived abroad for over 20 years and don't feel "at home" either. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be able to express myself in my second language exactly as I want to and that makes me a bit sad. But accepting it has also helped me stop being frustrated with that iyswim.

Married3Children · 23/02/2018 17:26

sixteen if I may say, you might, just might, be shooting yourself in the foot there with your comment.

I agree MsHarry, it seems that some issues with making friends is indeed shared by other british people (or is it English? Some Scots and Irish might be able to say).
But I do think some English people are very insular. More than in other countries.

Davros · 23/02/2018 17:27

I wouldn't invite people for dinner, maybe a cup of tea and cake, that would lure me! How about finding out which kids your children like and try to arrange a play date on a Saturday afternoon. They are the right ages to at least have some contact with parents if the kids play together.
Funnily enough I found it difficult to make friendships with the parents at DD's school, most of whom were from other countries. DS is autistic so it was easy to bond with the other parents at his school, we were all in the same boat and our kids didn't speak for themselves. At DD's school a high number of the other parents were from other countries and just didn't want to know someone English, they really stuck together. I really felt like an outsider which is weird when you're almost the only local one! I remember being at a kids' party and overhearing a few talking about "them" and stopping when I walked in (meaning the English) and having many, many rude comments made openly to me about England and the English. I had lots of other friends and never had a problem making more until then but I wanted some at DD's school for her sake if nothing else. It took 10 years to make friends at that school and I had to grow a thick skin and keep at it

Teacakequeen · 23/02/2018 17:33

I live in Suffolk and I feel the same. I haven't moved very far either

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:35

Right, OP I think the think to realise is that we are friendly, fun, loyal, kind people but we are very shy about these things. I think you can see from these posts that we re happy to chat albeit anonymously!
I totally agree with you MsHary!
Thanks everyone on this thread for their nice comments! I feel much better now :)
I like to talk (may be too muchBlush) and it's really nice to have this opportunity on mumsnet :)

OP posts:
MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:38

I am on a misson to smile at everyone at the moment. I realised how nice it is when others smile at me so have decided to initiate the smile. It works! Smile

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:39

Thank you SantanicoPandemonium :) It would be really interesting to hear your Russian :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:42

I'm trying to smile as much as I can MsHarry and it really works, at least for my mood :)

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 23/02/2018 17:45

Wasn't sixteenApples the poster who slammed OP for being 'rude' when she hadn't answered, in her second language, quite to sixteens liking? So maybe she's right about the awfulness of native brits Hmm

I wonder how she got on in Riga/China/France etc with the attitude that people are being rude (even when they are NOT?) but are in fact trying to be nice?

urkidding · 23/02/2018 17:45

The best way to meet other mums is to invite your children's friends over to play at your house, and offer them a cup of tea at your house when they collect the children. Another way is to offer to help at boot-sales and other things the school organises.

It is hard when you're working, but that'll give the children a social life as well.
If you want to meet people with similar interests, Meetup groups are a good way.

urkidding · 23/02/2018 17:51

www.meetup.com/topics/suffolk/

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:53

The best way to meet other mums is to invite your children's friends over to play at your house, and offer them a cup of tea at your house when they collect the children.
That's where I struggle a little bit urkidding Blush Is it appropriate to offer them tea or coffee, what else I can offer, what to talk about? I'm afraid to do something wrong because it may be different from what I used to in my country :)

OP posts:
MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:55

Momel In the morning and early afternoon, offer tea or coffee and cake. Later in the day or wine o'clock in UK is ok to offer wine but obviously not much if looking after DC and NONE if driving.