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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I'll never feel at home here?

235 replies

Mornel · 23/02/2018 14:15

I've been in UK for 7 years now. But I often think that I'm not welcomed here. Me and my DH both are working, my DD1 is in year 8 now and doing brilliantly. My DS2 goes to nursery and does great there as well. So our kids are fully integrated. But I don't have any English friends and that makes me feel on the side of local life. I can't make people like me, but they never expressed any interest in making some kind of friendship. I love this country, here's my home. Just sometimes I feel sad that I'm not the part of this country..

OP posts:
Tryingtogetitright · 23/02/2018 16:16

I'm English and recently moved to a new build development. Fortunately have a new baby and have made friends at baby group from Romania, Turkey and Thailand we all live within a few minutes walk of each other. Maybe try meeting people near new developments where everyone is new to the area? Everyone seems much friendlier and keen to make connections. You sound lovely BTW.

PatsyClineSilVousPlait · 23/02/2018 16:17

Sorry you've faced this. It's a bit like that in the small town I live in - people in general are a bit insular, set in their ways and if you dig a bit deeper a bit UKIP-y/unwelcoming of foreigners.

A warmer welcome awaits where specific interests are involved: Park Run, local arts centre, walking groups, fitness classes.

www.meetup.com/ is a great resource to find people in the same situation.

Good luck (and welcome Smile )

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:17

I'm from Suffolk bobstersmum :)

OP posts:
Beanteam · 23/02/2018 16:18

I think to meet people you need to share an interest. It gives you a common thing to chat about .
So try find aN evening to do something- creative stuff is good so then you can share ideas, help each other out, admire each other’s work. Then the interest takes precedence over ability to speak English.

rocketgirl22 · 23/02/2018 16:20

Why don't you consider moving back to your home country? Life is too short to be unhappy.

Your dc may be doing well etc, but ultimately your life matters too.

Kittypillar · 23/02/2018 16:20

I can understand how you feel OP - my parents were expats immigrants and I spent most of my childhood living in another country for my dad's job. My mum also had experienced this as a child, so it was quite normal for her.

It isn't easy to feel like you're on the outside looking in but placing some roots down can help that - as you said earlier, I think volunteering is really good idea. Finding the free time when you have kids can be tricky, but joining groups for hobbies will help too. And if you wanted to improve your English and that's a factor for your confidence too, this will hopefully be good. For me and my siblings, getting out of our comfort zones and trying to get involved in the community (not just the "expat community", of which there was a strong contingency where we lived!) was what really got us feeling a bit more settled.

Good luck and really hope you feel better about this soon :)

CottonSock · 23/02/2018 16:22

I'm from Suffolk, but couldn't wait to leave. Not all of the UK is so boring (sorry Suffolk)

Endofsummer · 23/02/2018 16:22

I’d second the view that it’s very dependent on where in the UK you live. I do think the south east is far more open and tolerant, and cities easier than countryside. In general. Many northerners would disagree probably!

toomanydicksonthedancefloor1 · 23/02/2018 16:31

Move to Yorkshire. We are all friendly up here! Smile

Married3Children · 23/02/2018 16:33

Being in the north, I can confirm that there is a high level of insularity.

Interestingly though, I found that in towns, not in countryside with farmers etc...
They are people I get on well with. Except I usually have little in common wth them which is a real shame because they are lovely people and much more accepting tbh.

LoveYouSo · 23/02/2018 16:34

I've been living here 15 years. English people are very 50/50 with foreigners. They either love you or hate you. Very unwelcoming on the whole. Most of my friends are immigrants and they say the same.

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:35

There's no way I can move back to my country rocketgirl22 There's no life.. I think all parents want best future for their kids. I hope they'll get better life then me. I'll do everything i can for my kids. And I dont feel unhappy at all. I just want to be a part of this country, thats it :)

OP posts:
Jessie2445 · 23/02/2018 16:36

I’ve been here in the UK 6 years and both my English born husband and myself ( Aussie ) are very outgoing people who find it difficult to get further than kinda close but still acquaintance stage. The problem is they all have their own friendship circles and best friends. Even DH best mate has other friends, he rather spend the majority of time with. It’s like people here have a cut off point. Okay, I’ve got two friends, gates closed. I personally never experienced that in Australia. It was the more the merrier.

DH and I have just given up on having to chase people. Always the ones to have to invite people out and it being a one way street. One thing I find annoying about the British is this tendency to say “ oh we should meet up next week “ or “ let’s arrange to go here together “ and it’s all bs. It never happens. Even DH’s family will continually say “ we need to see each other more often” and of course nothing ever comes of it. There is no expectation on our part, so why they volunteer this BS is beyond belief!

Anyway, one of the reasons, we are going back to Australia. To actually be able to form some close friendships!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/02/2018 16:36

A few things

my OH is the same and he has been here for 20 years! which is pretty sad
Nursery is tricky, you tend to make better bonds at school I feel
can you work? really get some work in a multinational company of somewhere with a mix of people- that's my main advice to be honest

and be patient, and friendships take time to build. You are not the only person to feel like this. In London the east Europeans I know tend to have both Brit, and mix of "local" friends too

are you in BREXIT type place ?

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:45

I'm working in forwarding company stopfuckingshoutingatme The main country we work with at the moment is Russia (Russian is my native language BTW) and it doesn't help me with my English actually :) as only paperwork I do is on English. And except our accountant everyone else is not English native speaker. I just struggle with my language skills ATM as reached my level here and I need to find different ways to improve

OP posts:
Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:48

I'm not sure about Brexit type thing but I've heard enough comments about f**g immigrants who came and took all job and money.. That doesn't make me feel welcomed as well as you understand :) But luckily its not the majority of people around me

OP posts:
PavlovaPrincess · 23/02/2018 16:53

The immigrants I know who find it easy to befriend Brits are, without exception, heavy drinkers. You may think that's a coincidence but I don't

I don't think it's coincidence. I think it's total bollocks.

HTH Smile

MsHarry · 23/02/2018 16:56

I agree with Jessie and I am British! It is hard to make new friends in England past uni age and new mum stage. After that everyone has a reliable group and they don't bother with anyone else. I agree with the "Lets get together more" thing being something to say rather than do. I think we're all just socially awkward as a nation. I know I sometimes think I could invite someone to something but hey, they might not want to go so don't do it!!! Need some Aussie confidence I think!

ForlornWanderer · 23/02/2018 16:56

I get what you mean OP. I lived as a teenager/early 20s in a European country and never felt at home there. When I moved back to the UK, I didn't feel at home here either because I wasn't really in contact with any old friends from before I left and I felt like my peers had all gone off and had a completely different university experience to me for example and it seemed to me like they were so much more grown up and sophisticated (!). Plus I'd missed a good 10 years or so of culture, a lot of references I didn't get. I feel at home now, but it's taken a while.

I have also lived in the US for several years, and say what you like about the Americans, but they are a friendly bunch. Very inclusive, chatty (will strike up a conversation with anyone at any opportunity!) and just generally want to be friends. I was the reserved one in comparison (I'm a bit of an introvert) but when I came back to the UK after being in the US, I really noticed the difference. Far more reserved, people just aren't as friendly. I hang around while my DCs are at a particular club and there are always a couple of other parents there too, and none of us speak for the whole hour. That just wouldn't happen in the US for example (and probably other countries too, but I have no experience of them). I kind of want to start talking, but it's got to the point now where I'm worried it might be awkward!

But I'd try not to take it too personally, I think at least part of it is cultural.

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:59

I know I sometimes think I could invite someone to something but hey, they might not want to go so don't do it!!! Need some Aussie confidence I think!
That's exactly how I think sometimes MsHarry Grin

OP posts:
MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:02

Have heard that Scandinavian countries are quiet and reserved too.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 17:03

Tricky even with fluent English and from UK people find it hard to crack the play ground... I imagine somewhere like Suffolk has people who already tied to area and know each other well.

Unless anyone in the playground actually fives you solid reason to feel mo one talking to you because you sound different... I would just put it down to usual playground stuff really. People chat to who they know

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 17:03

I don't take it too personally ForlornWanderer :) And I don't expect people wanting to make close friends with me. Just couple of acquaintances would be nice :)

OP posts:
MsHarry · 23/02/2018 17:04

It's the fear of being turned down Mormel Sad

christmaswreaths · 23/02/2018 17:06

I am also an "immigrant" and have lived in England for over 20 years. I am very extroverted and I strike conversations and get chatting to everyone wherever I go. I make friends very easily...HOWEVER....

I can totally relate to everything that has been said here. The "let's meet up" and then nothing happens. It is pretty much always me who organises and invites. Very rare to get a spontaneous invite from anyone, unless it's a "group party" or "girls/mums' night out".

I don't really have any real friends, you know the ones you can call at midnight if you have a problem or similar. I have had low points where I have thought "is it because I am foreign", especially during Brexit....it's made me at times question everything....

However I think possibly it's more about life being very busy, people having their own friends/family and not wanting to add more people and similar. I have resigned to it in a way.

I am in a situation now that wherever I travel to I have someone I can meet up with, if I fancy a cup of tea/theatre/cinema trip I will be able to go with a "friend", but it's very rare anyone ever texts me to see how I am, or invites me round. Not sure if that makes me sad or not?!!!