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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that I'll never feel at home here?

235 replies

Mornel · 23/02/2018 14:15

I've been in UK for 7 years now. But I often think that I'm not welcomed here. Me and my DH both are working, my DD1 is in year 8 now and doing brilliantly. My DS2 goes to nursery and does great there as well. So our kids are fully integrated. But I don't have any English friends and that makes me feel on the side of local life. I can't make people like me, but they never expressed any interest in making some kind of friendship. I love this country, here's my home. Just sometimes I feel sad that I'm not the part of this country..

OP posts:
Canyousewcushions · 23/02/2018 15:49

I've found that parents at private/daycare type nursery are quite hard to be friendly with, but again i guess it's down to time pressures/other commitments.

I know more parents from primary school but that's because on my days off i am happy to stand about in the playground for half an hour and proactively chat to them while the kids play. They are more acquaintances than good friends though if you see what I mean.

I've met a few proper friends through mother and baby/coffee morning type things and also some through the committee of a professional institution from work. I try to get to PTA and volunteer when they need help etc- again, good for getting to know other faces at the school gate, but not really made proper friends as such through this yet. However.... with years of the kids being at school together ahead I guess some of the acquaintances will develop into more friends over time!!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 23/02/2018 15:50

sixteenapples. Wow. Spectacular demonstration of the non existent rudeness you accused the op of Shock

OhGood · 23/02/2018 15:51

Took me 15 years and 2 DC to make close English friends. Also only happened when I moved out of London into a very small town. When I lived in London I was only invited into 1 English person's home ever in 10 years. People just socialised differently to how I was used to.

Now I have this fantastic group of people around me and most are English.

Maybe you just need to persist?

allegretto · 23/02/2018 15:53

I think part of settling in is realizing that you are always going to be a foreigner and accepting it. It can be hard though.

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 15:55

Thank you very much for all your kind and really helpfull replies!
I think I won't be able to answer everyone personally so just will post what I think :)
About foreign mums at school who stick together. I don't really like this kind of behaviour but I can see why they are doing this. When you are not able to speak English fluently it makes you feel very uncomfortable and I think they feel more safe just staying in their own company. But I personally was always the one in DD's form who is foreign ( or maybe I just wasn't aware) so that wasn't the case why people wouldn't talk to me.
To be honest I didn't make any friends with people from my country here, despite there are quite a lot. Except one who I met accidentally and made really friendship for three years now :)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 23/02/2018 15:56

Join a local group like
Pta
Or community choir
Or book club
Or WI
Or sports like parkrun
Or volunteering etc

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 15:58

About hobbies, church e.t.c.. I don't have enough time for these things unfortunately as my only free day is Sunday and not every week :) It seems that there are not much things to do in my town on Sundays :) Social life is really slow and quiet for me :) That's why I was thinking about some volunteering job

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 23/02/2018 15:59

Mornel - my BF is Czech. My exH is half turkish. I'm half-german. My dP is south african. Previous boyfriend was Irish. Currently living in Germany.

Some of us prefer, somehow, the non-English. Even though I am British born and bred.

All I can suggest is - keep trying. And don't compromise your standards in your eagerness to fit in. You are fine as you are!

bobstersmum · 23/02/2018 15:59

Where in the country are you from? If you're near me I'll be your friend! I'm in lancs

bobstersmum · 23/02/2018 16:02

Sorry op just rtft, it makes me feel sad that people don't want to speak to you because you are from another country! That is so wrong.

BishBoshBashBop · 23/02/2018 16:03

(BTW you weren't being rude! And the 'alcoholic' post was a joke!)

Well unless you are sock puppetting, you aren't the poster that posted it. They haven't been back to say if it was or not.....

elisenbrunnen · 23/02/2018 16:05

Bish - no I am not a sockpuppet, and I read it as a joke. How could it not be?

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:06

Believe me allegretto I've realised and accepted that I am foreigner a long time ago :) But that doesn't help me to feel more comfortable :)

OP posts:
EndofSummer · 23/02/2018 16:06

I think it’s hard. I’m English but living in Ireland for 6 years. I still feel an outsider!

You do have to make the effort, much more than people will for you. Why? Because other people usually already have their pack of friends and family. We haven’t. It’s hard though. I make the effort all the time, and still I’m always treated as if I’m different so it’s hard to connect.

Many people find groups of others in the same position.

Dildals · 23/02/2018 16:07

I have been here 13 years now.

I married a Brit which helped me make English friends, but they are typically the wives of his mates.

Working was for me another way of befriending British people although it often doesn't go further than conversations during work. Especially now with 2 kids I can't spontaneously go to the pub after work like I used to!

What REALLY helped me was having a baby, PLUS being extremely lucky to fall in with a group of new mums that I now, four years later, still regularly hang out with.

There are loads of online forums though that bring people together that share similar interests. Supper clubs, rambling clubs, knitting clubs, wine appreciation clubs, running clubs, you name it and I am sure you could find a welcoming group locally. Would that perhaps be an in? Although fully appreciate that life is busy with work and two kids!

MissWritenow · 23/02/2018 16:08

I second what Elisenbrunnen said completely; I'm native English, my exes include an Australian, two Germans, a Texan and an Irishman, my lovely husband is Portuguese. Don't worry about the Xenophobes, there's a ton of them sadly but if it makes you feel better I've never felt really at home here myself! Just be you and be proud to be you, OP. You sound lovely and we can't always "fit in" with everyone, I stopped trying years ago! Flowers

redexpat · 23/02/2018 16:09

Sometimes you just dont get lucky with the class parent dynamics. Im a brit abroad and my first mother group as theyre called here were nice enough but never really included me in their lives. Mothergroup nr 2 was totally different and we see each other regularly. Language does play a part. Interestingly id been here 7 years when i got assigned to the good mothergroup.

Volunteering opportunities are here

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:09

Just to clarify. I'm really happy here now. I've got home, kids, husband, some old friends ( may just a bit more money would be good Grin ) I just feel that I miss something and think that having English friends would help me :)

OP posts:
Married3Children · 23/02/2018 16:11

I have been living the uk for much longer than you. (Nearly 20 years)
I am married to a british man.
Both dcs born in the U.K. and british
And the U.K. is the country where I’ve lived the longest time in my life.
I am fully bilingual and even have a master degree from a british university.

I STILL dont have many (if atvall) British friends and it has nothing to do with not knowing the british life inside out. But a lot to do with the fact you are constantly judged and put into little boxes (which social class you are, where you are from aka form the town or not etc etc).
I am living in a little town that sees very few incomers despite the fact they are convinced they have a huge number of ‘outsiders’ coming and that they are very open.

I have tried over the years all the things mentioned. The PTA, clubs etc etc to no avail.
Friends around me who are from another country are in a similar boat. They have acquaintances from work, maybe happy to meet up over a drunk at the pub once or twice in the year. But their friends are actually foreigners too....

As for ensuring that the locals feel that you really like them (I assume you mean the british), I’m not sure what else I can do to convince them I do (or rather did, Brexit has put a HUGE hamper into that). I married a brit after all.....

So.... I’m building my life in a different way. I’m lucky that we have enough disposable income to allow me to do things and travel.
Places where there is more movement, population wise, are usually much easier.
But I’m nit expecting to ever be accepted where I live. Not afetr 20 years of trying and jumping through hoops.
Not worth the damage it did to my self esteem.

Original poster
Mornel · 23/02/2018 16:13

Wow, there is so much I would like to tell but my lack of language skills just won't let me do it Grin

OP posts:
GracielaSabrocita · 23/02/2018 16:13

Anymore xenophobic stereotypes you'd like to share? Or is it just Brits that are fair game?

The immigrants I know who find it easy to befriend Brits are, without exception, heavy drinkers. You may think that's a coincidence but I don't.

ODFOD

You can use initials and add the term dear but you've still told me to fuck off. The only response to that would be to tell you to fuck off yourself, but I'm too polite for that so I'll refrain.

TheSecondOfHerName · 23/02/2018 16:14

Sometimes you just dont get lucky with the class parent dynamics

So true.

DS1's class: Most of the parents barely spoke to me.
DS2's class: Mixed, but some were friendly.
DS3's class: Very cliquey
DD's class: Lovely and inclusive.

Earlyup · 23/02/2018 16:16

I'm English living in England - but not where I grew up - and I think it just can be difficult as an adult to make new friends, especially in more isolated places where there is less movement of people and many have grown up together (I am not a million miles from Suffolk).

I for one find it really interesting to talk to people from elsewhere and love learning about differences in language particularly.

Married3Children · 23/02/2018 16:16

Miss trying to be yourself is only possible when there is at least a couple of people that you can call friends around you.
If you are living in a place where they are very few incomers, let alone foreigners, it can be very hard work.
I have ONE good friend where I live. The others are acquaintances.

I doesn’t help making feel at ease or welcome.

Not the same at all to feeling you dont quite fit in ime from living abroad in other countries as well as my own (where I didn’t fit but I belong iyswim)

user1485182339 · 23/02/2018 16:16

University of the 3rd Age if there is one locally? Or an Open University course? OU do regular tutorial meet-ups, so you can very slowly and without much worries or stress do one course or component at a time in something you're interested in, furthering your qualifications while meeting others who share an interest. You may still find that you benefitted in terms of socialising even if you don't make any firm friends, which would be nice.