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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 25/02/2018 12:44

I think you've done a number on yourself!
He earns more, not least because you are the children's primary carer.
He gets a free place to live courtesy of your mother. You split bills. You keep what's left from your income but yours will be waaaay lower. Presumably because you have the kids with you more, you'll end up paying their incidental expenses out if your disposable income.

Don't get me wrong I love my financial independence and being able to spend "my" money with impunity but we both work full time and have a joint account to fund all household/children's expenses (we pay in a set amount proportionate to income). As I'm the higher earner this means I have more which I think is unfair but we've agreed I will put more into savings for things like buying a bigger house etc. I would feel quite right selfish git if I had way more spending money than my husband.

Your partner must be sitting on a pile of cash each month. He - to his credit - sends to think that's unfair - and it is. Why don't you think it's unfair?

You should both have roughly equal disposable income to do as you wish with. It's fine if it's separate but it ought to be fair/equal to reject your non monetary contributions to the family.

honeylulu · 25/02/2018 12:46

If it's not clear from the above, our respective earnings are in separate /personal accounts aside from the agreed monthly contributions to joint account.

Mishappening · 25/02/2018 12:48

We have always had a joint account. Everything comes in and goes out from the one account. Neither of us quibble the other's expenditure choices as we trust each other. If a big expense is planned we discuss it, but it all comes from the same place. I am the one who keeps track of the account, so OH asks me how it looks if he is planning to buy something.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/02/2018 12:52

LassWiADelicateAir your posts are really interesting-in particular the premarital assets thanks
Mn does have a Ldn and Home Counties default at time as if everyone lives there

Chanelprincess · 25/02/2018 13:26

All being equal it's hard to understand why a high net worth couple wouldn't get married. Have you looked at the iht position? Numerous clients of mine have got married for that reason alone.

I don't think you can necessarily say that. It depends on the countries in which those assets are held and in what form. It's not that simple.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 25/02/2018 14:11

Just to be clear im from south east england 😊

OP posts:
SciFiFan2015 · 25/02/2018 14:24

We add up all joint expenses (everything!) then we add up all income. The joint expenses come from the total pot and we each have the same disposable income. We have one joint and at least one each sole accounts.
DH works more and earns more, but can only do so because I took a step back to provide more childcare.
It works for us. I'm very independent - to the point that DH can complain about it!

Beetlejizz · 25/02/2018 14:28

I actually wondered if you might be OP just because of the living with your mum thing- one response to ludicrous housing costs!

YoloSwaggins · 25/02/2018 15:45

If you're out for dinner with say, four other couples, do you actually pay separately to your DH when the bill comes? It must be a minefield confused

Hahahahaha a "minefield".

Yes, I do this, it's not that difficult. I'm not paying for other people's food or letting other people pay for mine.

LassWiADelicateAir · 25/02/2018 15:54

Yes, I do this, it's not that difficult. I'm not paying for other people's food or letting other people pay for mine

Yes if 8 people eat you divide by 8. But according to one poster you divide by 4 because these 8 people are really 4 pairs (joined at the hip)

Goodness only knows how she would divide a bill for say 7 people where 2 or 4 of them are a couple/ couples and the rest are singletons.

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 15:57

Are you fairly young though Yolo, if you don't mind my asking? The last time I've ever seen that happen (i.e. couples paying separately in a group) is when we were at uni. People had only been going out five minutes and were nowhere near living together!

I am 40. We live in London. When I think of the probably hundreds of couples we know, in all kinds of jobs and from all over the world, I have genuinely never seen a cohabiting or married couple split the bill at dinner.

People would be suspicious something weird was going on - e.g. they were either splitting up or had cash flow problems so we're having to use two cards.

Nicknacky · 25/02/2018 16:00

Well, to be honest by the sounds of it if anyone does anything different to you then you think there are control issues, distrust, lack of commitment etc.

For most people they would just realise that every couple is different and have a different way of conducting financial affairs.

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 16:03

As I said Lass, if it were a mix of couples and singles you would split the bill per person - obviously. But not if it were say, four married or cohabiting couples - children or no children! It wouldn't occur to people that people in a couple would pay individually. Possibly if they had just met, I suppose?

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 16:04

It's not just me Nick - it's the vast majority! Unless I've been living in a parallel universe for 40 years?

YoloSwaggins · 25/02/2018 16:05

Yes, I'm 24.

My parents never split bills but I do. I'm pretty careful with money in general though, I'm the sort of person who opened a case on eBay after being scammed for £4. We do transfer money to each other for things like cinema tickets/half the food shop/presents for family etc.

It would stress me out if we pooled money and my partner spent £££s of "our" money on drinks and rugby club membership. This way I couldn't give a hoot what he buys! Same with me. Just feel much more comfortable that way.

Nicknacky · 25/02/2018 16:06

The vast majority of people don't give a hoot about other people finances and certainly wouldn't jump to the conclusions you have.

YoloSwaggins · 25/02/2018 16:07

And we are engaged and together for 2 years but it works for me. We will probs get a joint account soon for rent/bills/food but otherwise will have our own spending money.

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 16:10

I've never jumped to any conclusions or considered anyone's financial set up in my life - until this MN thread Grin

Nicknacky · 25/02/2018 16:11

And on this thread you have dramatically jumped to unfounded conclusions

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 16:15

It's a discussion Nick. Nothing personal whatsoever. It was implied I was a "leech" the other day - so what? I accept some extreme-minded people could view my situation like that and I couldn't give a hoot. I find it interesting.

Nicknacky · 25/02/2018 16:17

You have implied plenty of personal things.

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 16:19

I have asked questions. If they don't apply to you, why take it personally.

LassWiADelicateAir · 25/02/2018 16:21

Are you fairly young though Yolo, if you don't mind my asking? The last time I've ever seen that happen (i.e. couples paying separately in a group) is when we were at uni. People had only been going out five minutes and were nowhere near living together!

The question was to Yolo but I'm 57 and have been part of a couple for 34 years. I am frankly astonished by your recent posts.

People would be suspicious something weird was going on - e.g. they were either splitting up or had cash flow problems so we're having to use two cards.

What a narrow view.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 25/02/2018 16:23

@beetlejizz
Yes...I’m originally from london but moved 9 years ago. Planned to get my own house but still waiting so started saving, which is proving harder than intended. It’s weird because we earn too much for housing benefits but enough for our own house. We are in the middle. But living with my mum works well enough. Kids love living with thier nanny and have a extremely close relationship. We are a close knit family. Don’t do everything together, but a lot of the time it’s me my Mum and kids because the bf is at work. And this way with the extra money we do have we we treat the kids every now and then. For those asking. My mum owns the house straight out, no mortgage. So we all pay a set amount to cover all bills, including sky, food, water and gas.
I pay extra for Netflix and Disney life and my DP has amazon prime. Which everyone uses. My DP is quite the handyman and so is my brother so we all contribute. Me and Mum do the housework and cooking and the kids are just kids. It works very well... except for my obsession to be independent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 25/02/2018 16:24

*not enough for our own house 😬

OP posts:
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