DP not buying anything for bump

[theforeignwoman]

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

Heather- that's a bit of an extreme example! You poor thing. No wonder he's an ex.

Yabvu

I think what he's not spent on the baby is a bit of a red herring. This is a man who Helps You by doing the dishes. Who burns through £900 plus, within 2 weeks every month, knowing you'll cover the remaining days until he's paid again. You have joint savings that only you have paid into, from what I understand? He is NOT sensible, he's a user.

Exactly what AngelsSins said. You have much bigger problems here than who's bought what for the baby.

Not RTFT yet (sorry) but it sounds a bit like you've gone in and bought all the important stuff very early without letting him have a chance/input.

If I was him, I would be a bit annoyed that he hasn't been consulted. Why don't you just go shopping together? And in about four months time!

I think you are letting the fact he's not bought anything for the baby cloud the actual issue.

What does this man contribute financially to your joint expenses? Does he pay toward rent/mortgage or the bills?

You say he runs out of money 3 weeks into the month and you are forced to fund him - how much money is he "neeing" from you very month?

You have bigger issues than what he's bought or not for the baby. Especially with his comment about you being lucky to have savings. Sit down with a pen and paper, or a spreadsheet, and work out just how much you subsidise him by every month OP. I think you'll probably shock yourself.

Yes fair point about the joint account, that could go pear shaped with the dp's current penchant for haemorrhaging money on treats for himself.
I agree with pps, you need to start treating both your incomes as family income and agree to a budget as a family, with money set aside for non essentials.
I'm old and wrinkly enough to know that small cracks like this early in a relationship become huge great rifts over time if they're ignored.

You've spent £1000 excluding big purchases? Babies don't cost that much!?

I personally dominated the purchases for baby as I was the one was going to use the buggy most and I had the strongest opinion on clothes and so on. He was happy to go to Ikea to buy the cot and build it etc

Personally I think that you're pretty crazy to buy so soon. Most people start after the 20 week scan while nervous people wait until 30 weeks.

I don't think many men get into the buying baby crap when their partner is pregnant, I wouldn't take that to mean they weren't interested in the pregnancy in general though. DP didn't buy anything himself or have much opinion on what I was buying when I started in the last few weeks of pregnancy, but once Dd was here and a more tangible entity than a bump he started buying her clothes and toys of his own volition and enjoys doing it as he can see her wearing/playing with the things and enjoying them.

Stop buying stuff. Seriously all you need is somewhere for the baby to sleep and a way to transport the baby. Some vests, sleepsuits, a steriliser maybe and I can't imagine you need much else.

You do not need all this 'stuff' that pregnancy magazines tell you are essential. They aren't.

Sit your partner down and discuss finances. You are bringing a baby into the world together. At the moment you have taken full charge and control over everything and he probably wonders if there 's much else he needs to be involved in other than providing the sperm.

Suggest he puts away £300 a month from his disposable income into an account which can be used as and when the child needs something in the future. Because as babies they really don't need much. Once they get older they need a lot more, grow rapidly, throw food everywhere and ruin their clothes. That's when the money will really be needed.

When DD2 was born she was so tiny that all the babygrows I'd bought her were massive. I had to ask my SIL to go and buy tiny baby sleepsuits and a snowsuit to keep her warm.

When DD1 was born I had bought newborn sizes and she grew out of them within a week and went into 0-3 months.

You have no idea what size your baby will be so please stop buying clothes. And don't buy outfits for babies either.

Yanbu to spend as much or as little as you like. I bought new for my ds. I didn't want to buy or need to buy 2nd hand. I still don't. Good job there's frightfully wasteful people like me or there wouldn't be a 2nd market... 🤔🙄

YA, however BVU buying stuff so early. Granted, issues found at 20 weeks anomaly scans are not in the majority but I was there when a family member did discover anomalies that were incompatible with life at the 20 week scan that resulted in a TFMR at 22 weeks. When I got good results at my 20 week scan, I bought a pack of 3 vests. This was my little way of allowing myself to think I might actually have the baby I really wanted. That was it though until about 35 weeks. My dh didn't 'buy' anything himself. I did lists of what I thought we needed/wanted, went over it with him and then we bought it. I don't understand why people keep separate finances when they have children.

Congrats on your pregnancy - hopefully it's a happy and healthy one. However you really need to sort your finances out - how are you and your dp going to split the costs of nappies etc? You need to become more of a financial unit if you're going to be a family unit.

My ex bought next to nothing for either of our DCs, most big items gifted (then reused for DC2), I think he might have picked up a t shirt for DC1 when I was almost ready to pop and some baby grows for DC2 when they were early and none fit!

I don't think men are the same as women in that way and don't go gooey eyed over baby things. I don't think it has any bearing on how excited he is or if he will be a devoted father though because my ex was (and is) a brilliant kind dad from the second they were born despite not showing much excitement in pregnancy.

If you have spent 1000 what is left for him to buy?
Maybe he is trying to get his finances in shape so he can be a good parent?

I'm 25 weeks with my DC no 2...I need a new pram which I'm borrowing and other than that I've bought nothing

With all due respect OP, it is still very early on.

I am also 17 weeks pregnant, with number 2.

In my first pregnancy I don't think we bought everything until even after the baby was born- most things we got 2nd hand on ebay.

Your OH sounds like he has debts to concentrate on paying off and that is not a bad thing at all- nothing makes you consider your finances quite like the prospect of a new baby.

I am sure he is excited about becoming a dad, but it doesn't have to be about how much money he splashes on baby items...there is so much "baby stuff" that you are led to believe that you need desperately and cannot cope without. In reality babies do not require that much expensive stuff at all.

Maybe he’s not bought anything because he hasn’t really had the chance? If he gets home from work every day and another baby item has appeared, he is probably worried he’ll buy duplicates or thinks it’s all in hand.
I don’t recall DH buying anything for the babies while I was pregnant off his own back. We discussed what was needed and I generally ordered it/bought it.

Just to add- I bought second hand, mainly because I wanted some of the more expensive cots/travel systems/furniture but didn't want to pay the outrageous prices for new items.

You could say I was just too tight...or sensibly money saving.

Either way, there are many great second hand items you can get on ebay, some in very good condition and often at over half the price or more. I am a bargain hunter at heart though!

But it's a personal thing and all of us are different.

I don't think that the OP's partner is paying off debts, or at least not in any meaningful way. He seems to have a pattern of overspending every month, running up an overdraft and expecting her to cover his spending. I suspect he does this because her income is now much higher than his and he doesn't really think she deserves it (saying she is 'lucky' to have savings).

I didn't spend so much or so soon when I had my babies but that's not really the point. I suspect the OP's concern is fundamentally that he is behaving as if there isn't a baby on the way. I'd worry too, he sounds very self centred and you have a tsunami about to arrive. You should both be saving hard as these are your last months when it's just the two of you to consider. And yes WTF is 'helping' you do the dishes? Sounds like the thinking of someone who generally expects to be waited on.

Interesting those saying op is "supporting" dh but if he were the higher earner it would be considered joint/family money.

Bonkers within a couple to have savings AND debt. Debt costs more than savings make, financially would make far more sense to

Pay off the debts
Sit and do a budget together and BOTH stick to it.

Just because op THINKS she has more money/can afford the level of spending (which I agree with pps is ridiculous) doesn't mean it's true.

ANOTHER question op is sidestepping - how are you going to cope financially when you can't work immediately following the birth? "Mat leave" (is it still mat leave if you're self employed?).

"unexpected health problems, pnd or difficulties with childcare" excellent point - I had a very difficult birth we didn't even leave the hospital until over a week later.

Babies as several of us have said, especially newborns REALLY don't NEED much.

Somewhere to sleep
Something to wear (including nappies of course)
Bottle feeding bits and bobs IF bottle feeding is your choice.
Some way of transporting them.

Beyond that they don't need
Toys
Fancy/loads of clothes
Special baby towels
Special equipment.

They just don't.

I'm really struggling to think what you've spent £1000 on!!

" I have quite a lot in savings, a very steady income and have prepared financially for this baby for a long time before even getting pregnant."

Some of your comments and the tone of your posts is making me really concerned - was this pregnancy planned by BOTH of you?

"what about pram/baby bath + stand/cot/steriliser/baby thermometer/ baby monitor/ nappy bin (essential in a flat)/ footmuff (winter baby) and I could carry on"

Erm...out of those the only things I had when dd was born were pram and cot (and I only had the cot as it was given to us, didn't use it until she was 6 months old). AND I was in a flat in a very cold Northern European country in the depths of winter. I used scented nappy sacks and bagged up regularly, I was also post c-section and it was a BAD birth. Then dh popped them to the outside bin once a day when he got in from work.

As for "cave men" oh please! Plenty of mothers in Britain now don't have or feel the need for most of those!

Catching up on thread - so are you only 14 weeks op? So you've only known you're pregnant for about 2 months and have already managed to spend £1000 and pretty much bought everything baby could need?

"And buying stuff at 14 weeks is even more unreasonable than at 17 weeks tbh" I agree. Very odd.

Also in your 20's - I'm getting the feeling you're quite young too. How long have you been running your business?

How long have you been together?

Something worrying here - and I don't mean the dp's spendthrift habits.

Can I ask what you’ve bought that costs £1000?! Excluding big purchases!!

I don't think DH ever bought anything for our DCs when they were bumps. Never crossed my mind. I still do the majority of the clothes and present buying - I'm fine with it.

You both sound...odd . It is really odd to have bought all those things and spent that much money when you're only 14 weeks pregnant. But I appreciate everyone is different and it's your mum and you can do what you like, but I'm not surprised your partner isn't joining in. I'm 23 weeks and I'm absolutely not going to buy anything until I'm at least in the 3rd trimester, I can't really describe why, it just feels too early and like a lot could go wrong before then. Plus it would make the pregnancy go even slower than it already is if I had everything all bought by 14 weeks!!

Having said that, your DH sounds like a real prince.... Mass frivolous spending each month and expecting you to fund that lifestyle, washing the dishes 'for you', taxis to work every morning etc. How is that going to work when you have a child to care for? He needs to provide for his child too surely?? I'm not sure I would really choose to have a child with someone whose attitude to money is so different from mine but I guess it's too late for that now...I mean aren't most relationship break-ups to do with money disputes after all?

Thank you for all of your replies. I am still reading through them although I think that I do get that I am probably mental to buy half the stuff I have bought so far! I'm not planning on buying anymore for a while though. :)

Just to clear a few things up.. yes, my DP does pay his half of the rent, internet etc. When I first arrived in England he would also support me for the first few months as I didn't have my business going at that stage. He has never been tight with me although he is no longer buying me small presents etc. like in the beginning. I'm not expecting jewelry from Tiffany & Company but flowers every now and again or a sleepsuit for baby would be nice as I always get him stuff.

I do earn more than him at this point and I am also saving up for maternity leave - so far I have £4100 put away just for this purpose. I also have significant additional savings that I consider his as well even if he doesn't contribute. This money is all locked away as he would spend it if he knew he could rely on it.

I know £1000 is a lot to spend at 14 weeks but to be fair, I rarely treat myself as I provide for both of us and focus on savings. I also wouldn't have bought the things I did if I couldn't afford it but my business has really taken off during the past 5 months. I still think that things for my baby are better investments than pizza, a gardener(?!?) and Xbox games.

I don't get all these PP banging on about how much a baby doesn't need

The OP has stated she's wanted to be a Mum for quite a while and it's her first baby. Why shouldn't she go all out and spend what she likes?

I did; I don't regret it. My DS was a long time coming and I loved buying things for him

Things I bought just because, shock horror, I liked them

The OP has stated she's wanted to be a Mum for quite a while and it's her first baby. Why shouldn't she go all out and spend what she likes?

Of course she can. It is unusual to spend so much at 14 weeks however. Even more unusual to complain that your DP isn't doing similar.