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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:
moofolk · 22/02/2018 17:56

I think the issue here (apols if it's been covered upthread, scanned but didn't read every post) is not the pre-emptive baby purchases (btw stop doing that right now you've got ages and no baby yet), but what startled me was talking about how much money you have vs what he has.

Once the baby comes you will both need to pool your money. I assume you'll be at home and he will be still earning. You both need to understand that he can only work because you are at home and that any and all family costs are a shared obligation.

I didn't think he's unreasonable for not buying things now, but I think it's unreasonable for a couple having a baby together to not share finances.

DeathStare · 22/02/2018 17:57

In the old post she said she was 13+2. She didn't say the scan picture was from that day. It could have been a much earlier scan. If she did have a scan shortly after that (either at 13 weeks or 14 weeks) then she could easily have been redated

Yes but the fact remains that one week ago, she posted that she was 13+2 and now she is saying 17. Yes it could have changed in a week. We won't know unless OP comes back to post on her thread

Does it matter? There are plausible reasons why she could have thought she was 13+2 a week ago and now thinks she's 17 weeks. Or - as I said before - she could be adjusting her dates slightly to stay anonymous. It's hardly crime of the century. Nor does it matter in terms of answering her question.

moofolk · 22/02/2018 17:57

molliebean cross posted there!

ClareB83 · 22/02/2018 17:58

Do not open a joint account OP, that is terrible advice when you are earning more and responsible and he is wasting money and in debt.

But please do sit down and talk to him about both your finances: the current situation or current debt, what he spends his £900 on; the plan to clear any debt; and how you are going to manage things long term including if your income falls when the baby is here.

You are building a life together and you are 100% entitled to ask what credit cards he has, how much is on them, how he is paying them back and how that £900 is disappearing. Especially since you are footing the bill from mid month.

Spend what you like when you like on what you like, you can clearly afford it. But you will be increasingly tied to your DP's finances as you are together longer and have children, you need to work out now how to manage this together and if he can be responsible.

If he can't be, you will have to plan to fund this child all by yourself. Which is also fine if you can.

But you will at least have to think about the fact that you and child will come first and maybe let him know that he may need to learn to support himself for the entire month.

ilovesooty · 22/02/2018 17:59

Why aren't you budgeting and planning purchases together like most people do in family situations?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/02/2018 17:59

I find it a bit weird that someone doesn't know whether they're 14 or 17 weeks Kaytee too.

Original poster
theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 18:00

Yes, I changed the weeks slightly as my dp knows I am on here and I didn't fancy him finding it. He doesn't know my username though. If he by some miracle does find this thread and the thread with my scan picture and put two and two together, I guess I am in for a big long talk lol.

Thank you for all the replies. I am still going through them and giving it all some thought. Thank you all for your time!

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 22/02/2018 18:03

Have you talked about how you will cope financially when you are on maternity leave? When the baby is here and you either lose income or pay out on childcare?

I'd be worrying more about that than how much "stuff" he is buying a baby that really doens't need it!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/02/2018 18:05

Yes, I changed the weeks slightly as my dp knows I am on here and I didn't fancy him finding it.

So you have spent 1k and you are 14 weeks.

Very early.

CupOfJoe · 22/02/2018 18:07

YABU for buying so much stuff so early in your pregnancy, you're not even half way through yet.

Also, sounds like serious financial problems on are your horizon if you've got a new arrival coming and you and your DP are not on the same page re: your finances.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/02/2018 18:08

Surely he can search your name OP and find its you?

You might want to get this zapped?

selftitledalbum · 22/02/2018 18:08

Who is bump?

Twocatsonebaby · 22/02/2018 18:08

YABU. You don't even know if bump is boy or girl yet so maybe he's waiting for that

Twocatsonebaby · 22/02/2018 18:12

I definitely think a grand is a lot not even half way through yet. People will buy for you etc as well as babies costing more when they're here if you're financially struggling a bit.
Slow down. Has he had a say in any of the things you've bought? My dp was so upset when I didn't consult him on things for our dirstv

Quaza · 22/02/2018 18:13

YABU. It’s very early. Buying stuff doesn’t equate love for a baby. My DH didn5 buy a single thing for our four DC when the6 were babies and still managed to love them.

It’s all sounds a bit full on.

jelliebelly · 22/02/2018 18:15

YABU - wasting money on baby stuff that won’t be used is BU anyway but at 17 weeks just ridiculous to spend so much - I don’t blame him for not joining in.

seven201 · 22/02/2018 18:25

Yabu. I bought one babygrow after the 12 week scan and waited until after 20 weeks to buy anything else, and didn't buy most of it until after 30 weeks. He's right, he should be trying to clear debt.

milliemolliemou · 22/02/2018 18:27

Gilly ILostit

I thoroughly disagree with a total joint account. From what OP says her DP wafts through £900 spare cash pcm. He'd presumably just keep on going through hers as well. However, I agree they should have a joint account for household, rent etc and pay in from their personal accounts accordingly. And that the OP should sit him down with the outgoings and ask what they might do about it.

OP even if it's a shared Uber, it's loads of dosh. Is there not a bus? or, if you rent and you work from home and it's early doors in the pregnancy,, could you not move closer to his work?

Congratulations as well.

isitfridayyet1 · 22/02/2018 18:29

YABU, I don't understand what the rush is. I understand your excitement, but everything you and the baby needs will still be available to buy in a couple of months time? Also with the internet these days most things can be ordered with next day delivery so what's the rush?

Shehz21 · 22/02/2018 18:30

Well kaytee and DeathStare it makes a difference to our opinions regarding OPs situation.
Not all of us share your viewsHmm
And buying stuff at 14 weeks is even more unreasonable than at 17 weeks tbhConfused

Shehz21 · 22/02/2018 18:31

And by stuff I mean £1000 worth of baby related shopping.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/02/2018 18:31

Wow, it is early to be buying stuff if you haven't even had your 20 week scan yet.

Plus, I think for many men the baby doesn't feel real at this stage. For some it isn't even "real" until it's in their arms. He's doing the right thing by clearing debt first.

Soubriquet · 22/02/2018 18:33

Aaaahhh this is difficult.

I was very excited with my second pregnancy (I lost my first), so we didn't buy anything until I was 20 weeks and we had a scan that said she was happy and healthy.

After that we went mad.

Is there a chance he's just waiting until the more safe cut of time?

gillybeanz · 22/02/2018 18:35

millie
You are entirely right, I had overlooked this. Thanks
Sorry OP, the joint account won't work if he squanders money.

Maybe make yourself responsible for managing the family money from your account either having his wages into your account and you giving him pocket money, or him giving his share of the money on pay day.

Heatherjayne1972 · 22/02/2018 18:41

My ex wasn’t interested at all from the moment I told him I was pregnant to the labour - not bothered Bought nothing. Asked no questions didn’t come to any scans Went to work when I told him I was in labour Was asleep on the sofa while I was in the other room doing my breathing
It was like if he switched off then it wasn’t real

Point is some men freak and get scared but when it counts they step up- hopefully op your man will