DP not buying anything for bump

[theforeignwoman]

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

In my experience most people don't buy stuff this early. I can't think of any of my friends/family who would have made a major purchase before 20 weeks (and in reality, it would have been more like 30 before they really started).

Most of that is just practicality, but people can also be superstitious about it and that's understandable.

Yeah, I wouldn't (and didn't) but anything at that point-it's considered bad luck in my family. We bought everything in the third trimester.

Maybe he doesn't enjoy shopping or see it as necessary at this stage. However if you don't have joint finances he should be contributing to the costs not leaving it up to you.

He says he is sorting out his debt. Sounds sensible.
If he is being attentive I wouldn't worry. You have a few more months to buy things together.

I agree with him OP. Very wise of him to concentrate on paying off his debt first. And he's right there is plenty of time to get things for the baby.

Also if all of the big stuff has been gifted to you by other people, what on earth have you spent £1000 on??? A baby needs somewhere to sleep, someway to get around (eg. pram or sling), some clothes (probably not the amount you have bought), some blankets, and some nappies. I have plenty of friends who have bought everything for their newborn (brand new) for less than £500.

If he is in debt or either of you are struggling financially, do you really need to be spending this much on the baby?

It sounds as if you’re worried that he isn’t interested in the baby. I think that is a bigger issue than buying teddies as they are pretty much pointless to be honest and you still have ages. IF you’ve had gifts and spent £1000 I’m not sure what else there is to get?

I think you need to have a good chat about how you will fund maternity leave. Have you discussed this yet? Again it is early but this sort of thing is way more important Han buying stuff imo.

He sounds quite sensible TBH.

Your baby isn't due for months and months, and even after they're born it'll be months before they have any interest in soft toys.

So that vs. a tasty takeaway you can eat right now. No brainer really.

£1000 on what? did you go for a really expensive buggy?
That's a huge amount of money. you'll have soft toys coming out of your ears when the baby arrives and you're not that well off. Honestly, I would rein in your spending, you haven't even had the 20/40 scan yet.

Has he been involved in any way with choosing what you have bought, or have you bought them and then mentioned it to him? Perhaps he feels he's not getting any input.

You're only 4 months along, presumably you don't actually have a bump yet! YABU, it's unusual to buy baby stuff that early. And obviously you've already made all the big purchases without asking for input. Maybe you could stop buying things for a bit, make a list of what you still need and ask him to come with you to choose them later on in your pregnancy (after 30 weeks)? Make it clear he'll need to go halves with you, and give him enough notice to save up.

Buying things or not is no indication of whether he is excited or going to be a good father.

You do need to get your finances sorted out. You need to agree a family budget with a joint account you both pay into.

Expenses for your child are joint, their food, nappies, clothes, toys, activities etc you should both be agreeing and funding together.

That’s the issue you need to sort out. Not cuddly toys the child won’t notice for another 18 months.

It's better that he is clearing his debt and being responsible rather than frittering money away on pointless teddies! As you have put thus is in AIBU then yes you Are!

Sorry, but I agree with everyone else. 17 weeks is way too early to be buying stuff, especially if you have any debts. I didn't buy anything until I was 30 weeks.

Your expectations about your partner are also unrealistic. I didn't expect DH to buy anything because I knew buying baby stuff was just not his thing. We were given all the big spend items anyway, so I only had to buy a cot mattress and clothes. DH is no less a father than I am a mother. He just hates shopping.

Wow you've completely not even ACKNOWLEDGED very pertinent questions from pp that could shed light on this.

Was the pregnancy planned?

Is he feeling excited/involved BEYOND not wanting to appear like a total uninterested git?

Why have YOU bought so much already? Could you afford it all? Was it all needed? Newborn - 6 months don't need much at all actually so in reality there's over a year until money REALLY needs to be spent in large amounts.

I didn't buy anything and wouldn't have anything gifted/due to be gifted in the house until I was 24 weeks. But then I'd lost 3 before dd and didn't want...not exactly jinx it but more have to deal with things bought for a baby that no longer existed.

Lots of people don't think it a good idea to buy anything before 20 weeks CERTAINLY not have pretty much everything bought and organised by 17 weeks! Are you even showing yet?

Seems you are both at different ends of the spectrum of this. He's accepted the way you've decided to deal with things why can't you accept his approach?

And dealing with debts first is VERY sensible rather than buy stuff and continue to pay interest on the debts.

I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early.

YABU. He's involved, kind to you and sensibly focusing on being more financially responsible before the baby arrives.

I predict you won't even use half of what you buy more than once. WAIT.

I think YABU. As others have said, it's extremely early days to have even started shopping. You will likely be gifted so many things and you don't know the gender yet - how do you even know what you'll need? Remember also that the world continues to function on the day you give birth. Shops remain open on that and all following days. Nothing that you will need will be unobtainable. Beyond a very few basics you really don't need much at all for the early days. Your partner is entirely sensible about paying off debts before discretionary spending. If you yourself are debt free, you are free to choose to pick up things for the baby, but it is a choice, an uncomfortable one for many given the potential for things still to go wrong, and certainly not a necessity. Do you envision that you will continue to consider your money to be 'yours' and 'his' once the baby is here? Because with your different attitudes to spending that might be more of a concern than whether your partner would rather buy takeaways or plushies.

I mean this very gently, as it is exciting buying for a new baby! But don't equate things with love. He can be a great parent without ever getting excited about shopping.

Both me and DH are very doting parents to our three but I don't think we'd bought a thing at 17 weeks. We got most things much nearer to the due date and didn't buy anything in the way of toys until after the birth.

As far as finances are concerned after the birth, you two need to be a team so agree on budgets and contribute as appropriate.

Good luck!

In fact I'm concerned you may have spent unnecessarily and irresponsibly on a load of stuff that won't even get used.

Thanks for all the imputs. I really appreciate it and can definitely see where you all are coming from.

Again, I wouldn't say that I am struggling, I have quite a lot saved up and actually felt I was maybe doing him a bit of a favour by buying all the big stuff already as he has an overdraft and is struggling. The man has really no self dicipline though and maybe that is why I am disappointed - that he would rather spend the little money he does have on take aways and other stuff, because he knows I will buy the rest.

I don't agree with a lot of the choices he makes financially, which is why we have joint accounts and again, which is why I have savings and can provide for both of us.

does the dishes for me

DH once told me he'd done the dishes "for me". Once.

Having read your update OP, I think YABU. Your partner is interested, he's taking care of you, he's doing work in your business because you're not feeling grand. He sounds lovely, but you're annoyed because he isn't buying loads of stuff for the baby 6 months before it's born? Are you sure he doesn't think you're bonkers, but he's too nice to say so? (asked with love OP!)

Are you even really showing yet? I wouldn't have bought anything for this baby yet in your shoes.

I forgot to add
Congratulations

I am nearly 20 weeks and haven’t bought more than two outfits. I can’t remember my DH buying anything on his own for my first pregnancy, we went shopping together a few times and he had a say in some things but wasn’t too bothered. It makes not a tiny bit of difference to how good a Dad he is. 17 weeks isn’t even halfway though a pregnancy and fine if you like to get sorted, but not everyone is going to be that early. I’d wonder why you have separate finances so you are paying for it all, certainly during Mat leave there needs to be some give and take money wise if you are living as a family unit. But honestly not being wildly in love with a 17 week bump is fine, not everyone feels a huge bond with a baby that isn’t born yet, I didn’t with DS as I didn’t really enjoy pregnancy but I loved him madly when he was born.

Also I did enjoy shopping for DS1 so I am loathe to rain on anyone’s parade in that respect, but you really don’t need that much stuff and you can buy what you need afterwards as it comes up. I used some things about twice but bought other when he was a month old that I used every day! (Bastard crib that he hated! But then bought a baby carrier that changed our lives afterwards!)

you don't know the gender yet Sex. Not that it should make any difference. Male and female babies are essentially completely the same. Struggling to think of a single thing that is sex-specific. A pee pee teepee possibly?