Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:

Onlyoldontheoutside · 23/02/2018 14:05

At 17 weeks I hadn't even bought maternity clothes for myself.
I think I got stuff a few weeks before my due date,babygros,nappies.blanket.I was lent a Moses basket,pram and sling then my dad bought me a pushchair.My DD slept in our room until she was a yr old so no expenditure needed on her room.
You need to find out where his money is going and have him put into a joint savings account.You should be saving every penny as running your own business with a newborn is going to be tough.

ClareB83 · 23/02/2018 16:03

What @LisaSimpsonsbff said.

exaltedwombat · 23/02/2018 17:39

Has anyone mentioned clearly and outright just WHY it is foolish to invest too heavily in the early stages of a pregnancy? If the worst happens, looking at a pram will only make it doubly painful.

oliveisabella1 · 23/02/2018 17:41

Quite honestly I’d get used to it- finances and it being pretty early aside, you’re probably going to end up responsible for buying or at least choosing this child most of it’s clothes etc anyway. The vast majority of men seem to have very little interest in buying anything for children so you’ll just find you get stuck doing it. At least you’re getting some enjoyment from it!

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 17:51

It's bad luck to buy anything early.. Sorry but it is and it's happened to someone I know.
He sounds sensible and dh never brought a single thing personally!

Chienrouge · 23/02/2018 17:55

It's bad luck to buy anything early.. Sorry but it is and it's happened to someone I know

That’s absolute rubbish. I personally wouldn’t buy anything that early, but it’s rubbish (and frankly quite offensive) to suggest that people who suffer losses do so because they’ve invited bad luck by buying sleepsuits and baby equipment. If things are going to go wrong they’ll go wrong, regardless of what was bought and when.

urkidding · 23/02/2018 18:08

My personal opinion:
You're buying too much stuff, a lot can be bought second-hand and may be used for only a few months. I was given this great advice by a friend. Your hormones are telling you to 'nest' and prepare for the baby. Restrain yourself, and you'll need a lot more money for other things in the child's life such as music lessons, swimming lessons etc.
Your partner is worrying about possibly the long term future, and maybe the fact that you'll be working shorter hours, (I never thought I'd give up work before I had a baby but I did). You need to have a discussion AND STOP SPENDING. Ask friends for money or vouchers, get second hand clothes for the baby, first clothes are hardly worn. After the baby arrives, the most precious thing becomes time spent with the baby, and that is worth money.

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 18:10

Chien

No, I didn't mean you curse yourself but as earlier poster said, if something goes wrong it's painful to have all the stuff around you all set up for a baby who doesn't come home.

lovelystar · 23/02/2018 18:11

My partner was the same pretty much up until the birth. It may be different with your partner but mine mentioned he found it hard to relate/bond with the baby when he was inside of my tummy not his. It's alot different now the baby is here, he's only a few days old and my partner is going on huge shopping sprees for baby it may just take a bit of time but when he meets your little one hopefully it will change. All the best with the rest of your pregnancy:) xx

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 18:12

I ve re read my comment sorry.. I didn't mean bad luck in that way I meant it's being left with stuff.. I'm not superstitious at all. Sorry. It was badly worded.

cadburyegg · 23/02/2018 18:12

YABU. 17 weeks is so early and tbh a lot of partners don’t know what to get for their babies. Especially if the Mum is buying such a huge amount...

I’ve had a miscarriage and don’t believe it is “bad luck” to buy things early but I remember going back to work after several weeks off to a delivery of maternity clothes on my desk. I’d totally forgotten about it and it was quite upsetting.

Chienrouge · 23/02/2018 18:15

SersioulycanitgetWORSE it’s ok, I’ve just seen loads of posts on here where people say you’ll jinx it if you buy stuff before the scan/birth etc and I find it really offensive!
Agree that it would be awful to have all the stuff around you if the worse was to happen.

clyd · 23/02/2018 18:18

I don’t think people should be bemoaning the op’s choice to spend £1000 on baby things - I definitely didn’t spend that much but each to their own and if you like nice things and can afford it then go for it!

However, superstition is a funny thing and i don’t mean to be a misery but having lost my son at 41 weeks a few years ago (and having to pack away a whole nursery) we only bought a handful of things for following children, pram etc all to be collected after birth. I’m quite sure all will be totally fine for you but perhaps your partner has grown up around a family who wait until the last minute for whatever reason.

He doesn’t sound very mature with money overall though and that would concern me long term - even if you can afford everything, you won’t want to carry it all on your shoulders forever.

dustyparadeground · 23/02/2018 18:19

Is he still in shock? As a man, I think I was a bit scared when our daughter was first conceived ...it didn't seem real and it felt almost "other worldly" until she was actually born.

jessebuni · 23/02/2018 18:19

My husband didn’t buy anything for either of our kids. I mean we were married and had a joint account so I guess some of the money was his but he didn’t take part in any of the purchasing or hardly any interest in the pregnancy or baby until they arrived. If your DP is excited in other ways then YABU to expect him to want to shop for all these things when you’ve already spent so much. He’s right his debts come first and a lot of baby things you may want you may not NEED which obviously with your money then fine spend as you like you earn it you spend it but with his perhaps he would rather buy cheaper items or secondhand items so he can manage his finanaces better. Have you worked out how you will pay bills together once you are off work? Will you return to work and get childcare? Will you be a stay at home mum? These are all things you need to plan and things your DP may be concerned about.

clyd · 23/02/2018 18:20

I should add it is in no way bad luck to buy things early btw, that’s ridiculous. It simply adds to the pain if there is a problem.

Graphista · 23/02/2018 18:23

Exalted - I'm going to assume you asked that in good faith but also guess you've not experience a loss?

It's very hard just to see let alone have to decide what to do with items bought for a pregnancy/child that's then lost.

If you keep it, that can add to the pain, if you sell/give away it can feel like you're rejecting the child lost, if you give locally/to family/friends you've then got to deal with seeing the item used by another child that's possibly a similar age to the child lost, if you keep them to use for a future healthy child that can feel like treating the lost child as having been "replaced" - it's a minefield.

We'd specifically asked people "not to buy yet" for my second pregnancy. I'd had a mc before (different circumstances) and was wary. Most people listened and understood - except my mother who bought several items and THEN before even a month following our first indication the pregnancy was lost was bugging me asking me what she was supposed to do with them - last thing I needed!

Result was with dds pregnancy we didn't even tell ANYONE inc family until I was 16 weeks. And even then we were clear we didn't want loads of stuff bought/gifted until nearer the end of the pregnancy.

Most pregnancies are healthy and happy and result in a gorgeous healthy baby. But I wouldn't wish for anyone who does experience a loss to have other stuff to deal with too. It's hard enough.

Graphista · 23/02/2018 18:28

for all those that have experienced losses

holey · 23/02/2018 18:48

Hm. The way in which you describe yourselves is not the way I would describe a couple who are about to have a baby. DH and I were like this when we were two students, living fairly independent lives and keeping our finances, shopping, bills etc separate. Once we moved in together, we became a unit and everything was shared. We never had joint accounts because he was always hopeless with money, just like your DP but all bills etc were contributed to jointly even though I mostly did the actual purchasing because he would never think to do so. I appreciate you are the higher earner, but you are a unit and soon to become a family. It should no longer be about MINE and YOURS and one bailing the other out, lending the other money etc. I don't mean to sound rude but you won't be last as a couple if you don't start thinking as a couple, as two parts of a whole rather than two separate parts.

sallyandherarmy · 23/02/2018 19:03

Recipe for disaster.

Geordie1944 · 23/02/2018 19:20

Why don't you talk to him instead of asking advice [which you will ignore] from a bunch of total strangers? Christ.

Graphista · 23/02/2018 19:25

"Why don't you talk to him instead of asking advice [which you will ignore] from a bunch of total strangers? Christ"

You'll kill off mn with advice like that!

Abbylee · 23/02/2018 19:54

Money is the number one reason people break up. You need to have honest discussion with him.

Best wishes (Maybe hold off now for a little while?)

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 23/02/2018 20:07

Thanks chien I didn't mean it in the that way but I think these old wives tales are there for reason and sadly having seen someone go through it.. It's heart breaking. I feel like a downer on here and op I'm sure you'll beat fine

CheesecakeAddict · 23/02/2018 20:52

DP didn't buy anything except when I asked him to buy a cot. He's a great dad and a massive support when I was pregnant but I don't think it became real for him until he was holding the baby.

17 weeks is still very early so I wouldn't be concerned

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13