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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:

hks · 23/02/2018 20:59

i kow you are excited first baby and all that but personally i think its a bit early to have so much baby stuff bought, id have waited at least till after your 20 week scan. Is it your parents who are buying the pram etc ? Maybe your partner is a bit worried about finances or think its best to save up and buy everything for the baby together nearer the time

my neice had one of those early gender scans and she was told baby was a girl and went out and splashed out on everything pink lovely dresses otfits etc , only to be told at her 20 week NHS one her baby was a boy

niklew · 23/02/2018 21:04

Could it be an idea to set up a joint account to transfer money across for your baby? Just thinking in the long term with clothes, birthdays, Xmas etc would make it easier than having to say to each other can you get x . Also nappies etc when Baby is born ... might make it easier to both transfer x amount each and that be for your child?

Believeitornot · 23/02/2018 21:08

I’m just wondering how the whole separate finances will work when baby actually arrives....!?

Motoko · 23/02/2018 21:22

OP are you still reading the thread?

Have you spoken to your partner about finances yet?

sosadforhim · 23/02/2018 22:20

I think he's being normal. I never bought anything until I was 7 months pregnant.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 23/02/2018 22:22

I think you are both being unreasonable.
What on earth have you bought? Gold encrusted pushchair?

thegreatbeyond · 23/02/2018 22:27

Didn't buy anything big until I was 34 weeks. A few bits from 20 weeks or so.

DenPerry · 23/02/2018 22:33

You are being daft. DP is a great dad but left all the buying to me, it's just not his thing. The issue is your finances, join them together!

pollymere · 23/02/2018 22:34

I think he's being mature enough to want to clear debts before spending any more money. It is very early to be buying things. My Dad was superstitious so we didn't have the pram in the house until the baby was nearly due.

beautifuldaytosavelives · 23/02/2018 22:40

He doesn’t do the dishes for you, unless of course he doesn’t use any...Perhaps he is just cautious and planning a late splurge

WeAllHaveWings · 23/02/2018 22:47

I think it’s crazy that you are allegedly a family (or soon will be) and one is splurging silly amounts of money on baby stuff while the other is struggling to pay off debts.

You both seem too immature to be a committed partnership never mind parents. If you can’t be on the same page with something as simple as your finances jointly how on earth are you going to sort out differences in parenting.

Nettie1964 · 23/02/2018 23:47

Seems pretty normal to me! Most blokes don't seen to be that bothered about the baby til it's born. Is he concerned about you? Is he looking after You? If he is then no worries he will be fine when baby is born. To you the baby Is there you feel it. Don't panic x

LeighaJ · 24/02/2018 00:05

He's not a mind reader, this is something that should have been discussed before all those purchases were made.

My husband paid for half of anything bought for baby, as well as my extra vitamins, supplements, and more expensive healthy foods/drinks I bought only because I'm pregnant, as well as half of my necessary maternity clothes.

I solo paid for a few non-necessity maternity dresses and a baby toy he's not keen on. BUT that was all thoroughly discussed and decided on in the first trimester before I so much as even ordered folic acid supplements.

FluffyPineapple · 24/02/2018 00:06

You are 17 weeks pregnant and have already bought a pram?

Your DH is coming across as the more "normal" parent here

JanKind · 24/02/2018 02:14

Congratulations. Plenty of time OP. He might be a bit superstitious. I know I would be.

genius1308 · 24/02/2018 11:13

Wow. I didn't have a single thing when my baby was born! (Not through lack of finances but baby arrived unexpectedly a month early). Baby was born at 7.30pm of a Friday night and husband was at asda buying nappies and baby grows at 8.30pm!! In fairness even if we had bought everything he'd still have had to go shopping straight away...baby was only 4lb so all clothes and nappies needed to be premises size.

genius1308 · 24/02/2018 11:14

*prem

Shednik · 24/02/2018 11:25

It is very early...and really you don't need much for a newborn baby. Much more sensible to wait until baby's here and buy as you need. There's so much marketing.

All you really need is some vests and baby gross, nappies, a moses basket (unless you're cosleeping) and a sling or pram.

There's so much marketing that you'll end up buying thongs you just don't use. And what you buy has no relationship to how excited you are about baby.

jacks11 · 24/02/2018 11:30

Why the obsession with buying so much stuff already? I think it is more sensible to clear off debt first. And if he is being otherwise supportive and kind- which you say he is- then I think you need to calm down a bit about the material objects.

Of course you need the basics but I have no idea why you have spent over £1000 if the "big ticket" stuff like pram, cot etc are being gifted by relatives.

Motoko · 24/02/2018 13:25

It doesn't look like OP's coming back.

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