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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 22/02/2018 22:16

My kids are nearly 3 and 4- my husband has barely ever bought them anything and certainly not before they were born.
He adores them both and is a fantastic father.
Just not the materialistic type, also subconsciously knew that I would buy anything they needed.

He did get involved in big joint purchases though eg cot, pram

Motoko · 22/02/2018 22:18

You need to stop bailing him out each month. Time for him to grow up and sort out his budget, he's going to be a father soon.

2rebecca · 22/02/2018 22:18

Save your money for when the child is older. I had bought nothing by 17 weeks, I got a lot of baby stuff second hand and bought by relatives but only at 30+ weeks. My husband (now ex) and I had bought nothing until 35 weeks + when we knew what was still left to buy. It's also considered unlucky to buy stuff early.
I started cross stitching a bib, that's about it. I think a lot of people over spend on small kids who don't care what they wear rather than save for fussier older kids when the relatives have lost interest or died off.

Frazzled2207 · 22/02/2018 22:19

Oh and I didn't buy anything for them at that stage.
I started slowly getting bits after 20 weeks and eventually got a pram delivered on my due date! Am not sure about the obsession of getting stuff so early tbh except possibly to spread the cost but if you are saving them that sounds more
Sensible tbh

coffeeforone · 23/02/2018 08:57

Come to think of it, my DH never bought one thing himself whilst I was PG with DS. He helped choose the big items in my third trimester but that’s it. He went to Sainsbury’s the day we came home from hospital to buy some newborn sleep-suits. (DS was a bit on the small side and looked lost in the ‘up to one month/0-3 we had stocked up on). I think that’s the only items he has bought independently. We do have pooled money though but he’s just not a shopper at all - still a fantastic dad!!

Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2018 09:18

OP, I think its fine to spend on your baby, especially if it is proportional to what you both have has disposable income and it sounds as though it is.

My DD used a nappy bin, it means that her bins aren't stinking and the cats/foxes aren't trying to get in them. I wish my neighbours did, they keep their bin in their path and I can smell it as I walk towards my house.

I know people who've bought one good travel system and its lasted them until their second baby.

The thread got sidetracked with the competitive miser habits. We need money circulating in our Society. I agree that it was a little early, though.

Your issue that he hasn't adjusted his spending and saving as a Parent. Your spending doesn't compare. That's what you've got to address with him. He is relying on your money, to prop up the family.

"Perhaps it sounds heartless, but I just don't get his financial choices. He has about £900 in disposable income after rent that goes disappearing during the middle of the month."

Do you know what it is going on? You say he disappears. Has he got an expensive 'hobby' that you know nothing about?

There's some serious discussions to have before the baby is here. Personally as hard as it is, you need to stop lending him money. There's always the chance that a Father doesn't shape up and you need to (as any Woman does) not throw good money after bad.

Firesuit · 23/02/2018 09:19

I think we spent virtually nothing until the week of birth, and then it was probably considerably less than £200. (Nothing to do with cost, it's just that there was no need to spend more.)

Although I think many pregnant women do shop like the OP, to me they're just slightly nutty shopaholics. A kind and tolerant DH wouldn't say anything, but if the level of crazy rises to the point where they are criticising him for not joining in...

Firesuit · 23/02/2018 09:21

Our low cost wasn't us being frugal. It was us simply not buying things until they were needed.

Jellybaby75 · 23/02/2018 09:32

Yeah, it’s not his fault that you have bought stuff so early. If you had waited, you could have maybe discussed the finances and who is paying for what. Now it sounds like you’ve not left him anything to buy!

It’s easy to get excited but be careful not to overspend and get stuff baby doesn’t actually need. Maybe you should start holding back like you DP is. Men show their excitement in other ways, not by buying tiny little vests.

fleshmarketclose · 23/02/2018 09:38

I think you are being a bit unfair especially seeing as debts have to be a priority. FWIW I didn't buy anything for dd until January and she was due mid February. She still had everything she needed and really you need very little urgently before the birth anyway.

chocorabbit · 23/02/2018 09:42

I sincerely hope you won't make any demands about baby showers either as I DEFINITELY would NOT buy anything for somebody else's unborn baby as I find the idea daft. Although we had certainly bought all the necessary things for all babies you can't always tell how a pregnancy will end up so it's best to wait. In fact, family bought us almost everything for baby 1 and even they waited until I was well over 33 weeks just in case.

Seriouslyscrewed · 23/02/2018 09:46

I bought everything for dd when pregnant and still do now...but dp pays for the roof over our head and heating ect. Its not that he doesnt care we just both pay for different things towards our family

Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2018 09:49

Is he paying off his debts, though?

That's not the impression the OP gives.

SharpLily · 23/02/2018 09:50

"does the dishes for me as I work a lot"

Does he not use any of the dishes himself, then?

londonrach · 23/02/2018 09:52

Yabu and tempting fate. I refuse to buy anything for a baby prior to birth as each time i have the baby either been still born or been miscarriage. For dd i refused to get anything to weeks before and we picked up pram etc afterward birth. 17 weeks is vvv early. Just enjoy your pregnancy and relax. Whats dp like re looking after you. Thats more important than stuff.

cochineal7 · 23/02/2018 10:06

You need to sit down and discuss finances for the future. With at least a plan of joint finance for the family expenses. Buying a baby suit or not is really not the issue - you like to, he doesn’t. That doesn’t make either of you a better parent. And at this point you are buying to satisfy your own desires - if you would have been buying handbags for 1,000 would you also expect him to join in? Babies don’t need much as many have said, but you clearly love to buy and are able to, so why not. But recognize then that it is for you.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 23/02/2018 10:06

At 13 weeks I have bought, one cuddly toy (I was in a gift shop for something else and couldn’t resist), one little outfit, and a couple of maternity dresses off of eBay. My DP hasn’t bought anything yet (although our finances are mostly joint anyway) and I wouldn’t expect him to any time soon!

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 23/02/2018 10:25

Seriously. Regardless of "buying things for the bump", you need to actually sit down and have a proper conversation about finances. You are bringing a child into the world together. You need to be able to talk about this stuff together and actually have a plan for how you spend "your" money (you are a unit now, regardless of joint accounts or not). No relationship should be based on bailing out the other half way through every month for apparently no good reason.
I ask again, have you actually talked about how your finances will work long term to provide for your child?!

LizB62A · 23/02/2018 10:29

YABU - I hadn't bought anything at all when I was 17 weeks pregnant so not sure why you're rushing into it !

HoppingPavlova · 23/02/2018 10:51

I think you’re being unfair and unreasonable.

Our kids were greatly anticipated and wanted. DH was very excited. He never bought a single thing. I didn’t think to be pissed off with him. Even now they are teenagers I can’t recall him ever buying a piece of clothing or anything ‘needed’ using his own initiative. He will get things if I send him out with a list though no problems but apart from that nope. I think it’s a pretty typical man thing.

Also, at 17 weeks I can’t imagine buying anything. I never did and it didn’t mean I was not excited about my babies. I think it’s very unfair to expect anyone to. If he is into buying things (as above not likely) then he’s probably a normal person who would wait until later.

zaalitje · 23/02/2018 10:52

At 17 weeks I had nothing, at 2p weeks a couple of friends gave me a few bits, I'm now 26 weeks and all I've bought is a newborn outfit and a fleecy shirt, plus a couple of maternity clothes.
I still feel it's too early, before 20 week scan it was like tempting fate.

But OP do you really need to have spent £1,000 on stuff if you have debts, second hand baby stuff is often barely used and a fraction of the cost.

Shehz21 · 23/02/2018 12:09

Birdsgottafly

The thread got sidetracked with the competitive miser habits. We need money circulating in our Society

Seriously?

2rebecca · 23/02/2018 12:47

I couldn't have a serious relationship with a man who was bad with money. he sounds very immature.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/02/2018 13:32

I agree that there are some weird/worrying aspects to the situation OP describes, and also that it's unreasonable to be angry that her DP hasn't bought anything at this early stage. Can people stop staying it's 'tempting fate' and 'bad luck', though? Of course lots of women feel this for themselves - I'm one of them - but it's a horrible thing to say to someone else, especially someone who's already bought the stuff. Women have enough of a tendency to blame themselves after pregnancy loss, I don't think that they need strangers telling them that they brought it on themselves if they bought baby stuff 'too early' then had a miscarriage or stillbirth.

user1471426142 · 23/02/2018 14:02

We bought big items earlier than I would have liked because we took advantage of offers. We were always matter of fact about things though and pushed delivery as far back as possible so if something did happen we’d be able to cancel orders. It is up to you whether you buy things earlier or later in your pregnancy and some posters are pushing their own feelings on to you. You buying things earlier will have had no impact whatsoever on your chances of a negative outcome. Some people like buying earlier, others later. There is no right or wrong here.

I do agree with others though that you need a serious conversation about money, budgeting etc and how things might change once the baby is here.

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