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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:
Tootsings · 22/02/2018 20:59

Piglet Really? I thought the usual norm was to start buying after the 12 week scan goes well. That's usually when people start getting bits in (midwifery experience)

Sounds fine to me. £1000 sounds a lot but depends what style/shops she likes

Chienrouge · 22/02/2018 21:00

We bought one sleepsuit after the anomaly scan, then everything else after about 32 weeks. Seemed to be fairly normal in my circle.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/02/2018 21:01

There is a difference between buying a few bits and spending 1k and complaining that others aren't doing the same.

I have personal reasons for not doing it so early.

WitchesHatRim · 22/02/2018 21:02

@Chienrouge fairly normal within my family friends and colleagues too.

Tootsings · 22/02/2018 21:03

I didn't buy anything until 3rd trimester but most people I've come across get things in continuously after the 12 week scan. Some even start when the test turns positive! Grin

I would be a bit gutted too OP but if It makes you feel any better, my DH still hasn't chosen anything and bought it for my DS Hmm I do it all

Graphista · 22/02/2018 21:08

Business has been doing well for last 5 months?

How long have you been running the business? I'm genuinely concerned you're withdrawing money from a business that isn't yet properly established and therefore isn't reliable as a source of income.

Ginslinger · 22/02/2018 21:13

I really don't understand how you can be having a baby together when you can't even sort out sharing finances - why don't you buy things together rather than you buying this and expecting him to buy that?

Appuskidu · 22/02/2018 21:17

What business have you been running for 5
Months? Is it something you can do with a baby?

AgainPlease · 22/02/2018 21:17

So you're 14 weeks pregnant and upset your DP hasn't bought anything for the "bump" yet? You're not only being unreasonable, you're also ridiculous.

The £1,000 doesn't surprise me though. Our pram alone was £900.

ExFury · 22/02/2018 21:21

Just to clear a few things up.. yes, my DP does pay his half of the rent, internet etc. When I first arrived in England he would also support me for the first few months as I didn't have my business going at that stage. He has never been tight with me although he is no longer buying me small presents etc. like in the beginning. I'm not expecting jewelry from Tiffany & Company but flowers every now and again or a sleepsuit for baby would be nice as I always get him stuff.

@theforeignwoman It's good that he does pay his half of the rent etc.

However, how much does he borrow from you when he runs out of money?

Does he pay it back every month? Is he in a bad circle of each time he pays you back it leaves him short so he runs out and borrows again? Or does he borrow (or you pay things to cover for him) and then still runs out of money?

happymummy12345 · 22/02/2018 21:23

I don't agree with buying things so early. I didn't get anything until the month before. I simply put the money aside, then got the essentials the month before.
All the rest we got once the baby was born. We didn't want to know the sex until the birth, so we waited to get things.

Original poster
theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 21:23

Apologies, perhaps I phrased that wrong. Business has been doing well for the last 3 years. I have very minimal outgoings and no debts. The last 6 months however, my workload has drastically increased resulting in even more disposable income into my account. I don't know the average UK salary for someone my age but I am guessing I am well above average.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 22/02/2018 21:30

Hi OP congratulations on your much wanted pregnancy!🌼
It could well be he is,as you say,happy to become a dad,and equally happy to let you choose the nursery stuff.it's very early days yet and most men don't like shopping anyway.
If he supports you in every other way I'd cut him some slack here and just enjoy this special time together.

Terramirabilis · 22/02/2018 21:34

I'm pregnant at the moment. Second baby so don't need very much but won't buy anything until about 30 weeks. Can't see the point, honestly. I understand the idea of buying a couple of cheap things because of excitement, especially first time. But spending tons of cash early on isn't necessary. There's plenty of time to get organized.

wintermonster · 22/02/2018 21:34

My dp was the same

Didn't worry me too much.

I did set him the task of buying babies coming home outfit though.

He's just not a big shopper, he's busy with work and doesn't get gooey over a baby that hasn't arrived yet.

Believe me though, he's been crazy hands on since baby been born though and it's a good thing that he's not as spendthrift as me as we needed a level head out of the two to calm me down as I love alllll the baby stuff

He's saved us a lot of money that way.
They really don't need a lot at all

Original poster
theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 21:34

@ExFury I'd say I spend around £100-150 a month for his transport costs to and from work. Approx. 15 days into the month, he is broke/in his overdraft, and I have to finance food, electricity etc. for us both which I obviously can because I plan for these things, but I don't think I should have to just because he is careless. If I didn't give him the money, he'd be broke or forced to go to his parents. He doesn't pay me back. I'm guessing most of his money is spent on transport, but he also buys a lot of food that is never eaten. Lots of takeaways and random stuff off the internet.

OP posts:
wintermonster · 22/02/2018 21:35

And I regret buying so much of the 0-3 and 3-6 as they grow so fast. And he was given so many presents.
So much has gone up into the loft hardly worn

wintermonster · 22/02/2018 21:40

To add - earnings wise I was on £40k whilst he was on £30k.
I put all my spare cash at the end of the month after splitting bills according to percentage takehome into a maternity leave savings fund.

I did this from about 9 weeks pregnant and ended up with £7.5k when I left for maternity leave.

He hasn't asked me to dip into this pot at all since I've been off and I had just transferred across my maternity pay to help out.

My maternity fund is now at £5k with baby at 9 months old and I've dipped into it for baby massage classes, baby yoga, new clothes and treats for me and baby and having a lovely Christmas.
I even booked a small holiday for us.

I don't feel like him earning less than me has ever meant that he should pay me back when I've spent extra. I've done it when I can afford to and we are a team

Andromeida29 · 22/02/2018 21:49

It just seems crazy that you won't consider having a joint account with this man but having a baby is f

Andromeida29 · 22/02/2018 21:51

*fine?

Teeniemiff · 22/02/2018 22:02

If it was me I’d be annoyed if my partner wasn’t showing any interest, but I wouldn’t equate buying a teddy etc to interest.
My husband I don’t think physically bought anything for our children (financially yes as we just share our money).
It’s sensible he is trying to clear debt but I guess there could be some annoyance that he may choose to spend money on a takeaway other than a little something for baby.

ExFury · 22/02/2018 22:07
  • @ExFury I'd say I spend around £100-150 a month for his transport costs to and from work. Approx. 15 days into the month, he is broke/in his overdraft, and I have to finance food, electricity etc. for us both which I obviously can because I plan for these things, but I don't think I should have to just because he is careless. If I didn't give him the money, he'd be broke or forced to go to his parents. He doesn't pay me back. I'm guessing most of his money is spent on transport, but he also buys a lot of food that is never eaten. Lots of takeaways and random stuff off the internet.*

So he doesn't really pay his fair share, when you think about it...

You pay for the food, electricity etc. and you pay toward his transport costs. If you sub him by £150 a month (and I'd bet you it's more if you wrote it all down and considered his shares of things you've not even thought of) that's £1800 a year... if he has £900 left over after his share of the rent etc, plus your £150 that's over a grand a month. How much does his transport to work cost overall? Even if it's £300 a month - that's £800 a month on what?

And you don't have to pay for these things because he's on a low wage, or because he's paying debts, or child maintance. You are doing it and he spends his money on takeaways and food that doesn't get eaten.

He then is sarcastic to you about how nice it must be to have savings... Do you see where I'm going here?

You don't think you should be doing it so stop. Tell him that you aren't funding him next month. If he's broke that's tough - he can stop buying takeaways. Or he can do what normal people do and budget.

And he wouldn't "have" to ask his parents. He would because he's got no sense of self-control.

Just be prepared for him to be horrid to you. Because you've got money and he hasn't... But he has. He just wastes it all without any consideration about things like transport to work. He's an adult. He's your partner and father of your child, he's not a child that you need to fund.

Cambionome · 22/02/2018 22:08

The problem you ought to be looking at is not that he hasn't bought anything for the baby, but that he is so shit with money that you have to bail him out every month.

You sound more like his mother than his partner.

AgnesBrownsCat · 22/02/2018 22:10

Wait until the baby is here . I have two children, my husband has never bought them anything clothes wise as far as I recall . Definitely not when they were still a foetus. I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy but I think you’re buying too much too soon .

Cambionome · 22/02/2018 22:10

Cross posted on the parent/child thing with ExFury.