DP not buying anything for bump

[theforeignwoman]

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

I think you're nuts for buying nursery furniture and prams etc so ridiculously early and your partner seems like the sensible one.

Irrespective of the shopping thing of stuff - I had bought stuff when i was at the same stage as you maybe not quite so much but nearly!
and I can see why you want him to make a physical show of support/interest
but I do think you and him need to sit down and work out your finances post baby coming..just because you have savings doesn't mean you should use them.(in fact having a buffer is very important as you really dont know how the first few months are going to go) ... this child is both of yours and it is important that you are both really clear that he is equally/fairly contributing to the costs of the family..
running into overdraft every month is worrying when you have that level of disposable income....

You don’t really know what you need until they are born so YABU. Also, it’s a bit early!

DevilTree
what about pram/baby bath + stand/cot/steriliser/baby thermometer/ baby monitor/ nappy bin (essential in a flat)/ footmuff (winter baby) and I could carry on

I can think of a lot many more essential for a baby than a moses basket and a pack of nappies frankly. I still waited until the end of my pregnancy

Completely agree Rory. OP, YABU.

I agree a bit too soon. Sorry

what about pram/baby bath + stand/cot/steriliser/baby thermometer/ baby monitor/ nappy bin (essential in a flat)/ footmuff (winter baby) and I could carry on

Well I have two children and out of those I never bought... baby bath or stand, steriliser or a nappy bin, so they can’t be ‘essential’.

You say you are both not struggling financially but yet your DP has to use his overdraft from mid month!

Where's the communication? The joint decision making on budgets, planning priorities and choosing baby stuff together?
Sounds like you made the unanimous decision to choose and buy stuff simply because it was what you wanted and you had the disposable income.

I get that you're excited but family finances and purchases is something that needs to be jointly discussed and planned - that hasn't happened here.

On the 14/2 you were 13w2d pg so you're just over 14 weeks now surely?

How is this going to work when the baby arrives? How will he finance his half of the childcare once you go back to work?

They were to me, I am sure cavemen survived without any of them, but they were still a life safer for the more modern mother that I was. The only thing that was ever a waste of money was swaddling blanket, all of mine hated them.

pram/baby bath + stand/cot/steriliser/baby thermometer/ baby monitor/ nappy bin (essential in a flat)/ footmuff (winter baby) and I could carry on

Of those, I see a pram and a cot as essential, but none of the others (seriously, the world will not stop turning if you don't buy a nappy bin)

Cave men and plenty of people today! My children are only 4 and 2 . I had absolutely no need for those things, I can’t see how they’d have made my life easier.

It is a bit early. Why not tell him which items he will be responsible for buying. He still has time to budget for and buy them.

I just sent my OH Amazon links and told him which things to buy. He wouldn't have had the first clue what we needed to buy so he was happy for the pointers.

He's being sensible imo

I don't think he's being sensible! He's earning a decent wage and spunking it on takeaways and daily taxis to work, running up a huge overdraft every month and then sponging off his girlfriend when he's money runs out.

Sensible would be making his wages last the month, putting a little aside as savings for the baby and getting the bloody bus to work. Hell, he could even invest in some driving lessons and pass his test before he's a dad.

He might be feeling a bit unsure about buying stuff early. He might not want to explain this to you for fear of spoiling your fun/making you concerned. Everyone's different. I wouldn't worry about it. Plus it won't feel as real to him as it does to you.

I think he's been sensible. He's trying to save his money to clear debt before baby arrives. You're also very early and still have your 20 week scan to go.

I tried to wait until 30 weeks before committing to loads of stuff.

Have you actually discussed how your finances are going to work when the baby arrives?!

Sensible would be making his wages last the month, putting a little aside as savings for the baby and getting the bloody bus to work. Hell, he could even invest in some driving lessons and pass his test before he's a dad

or if it is a 40 minute walk he could cycle it in about 10-15 minutes, which could be another option. His work might even have a bike to work scheme.

Also I didn't but a single item until after my 20 week scan.

40 minute walk to work .... Bloody hell...in the winter is a lot...I can Guarantee when the baby is here you'll want him back ASAP!!!!
Maybe get a bus rather than a taxi!

You haven't even had your anomoly scan yet so yes, YABU. I remember buying a soft toy at around week 24 for DC1 then started buying more from week 30ish but 17 weeks is mad.

An overdraft is a debt, it's very real.

I think he must have at least a £500 overdraft.

Do you share finances? I would suggest a joint savings account and see how much he pays in. The joint account will be for baby of course.

Good luck for the next 23/25 weeks.

Sorry but bollocks is he trying to save his money to clear debt before baby arrives.
His debt is the huge overdraft he runs up monthly after spending all his wages on himself. And then expecting his girlfriend to pick up the tab when he's spent said overdraft (on taxis and Dominoes Pizza).