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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 22/02/2018 17:10

Sensible would be making his wages last the month, putting a little aside as savings for the baby and getting the bloody bus to work. Hell, he could even invest in some driving lessons and pass his test before he's a dad.

I agree, but it's not like the OP is actually asking for that. She wants him to buy more stuff for a 17 week foetus on which she's already spent a grand. He may still be the more sensible one in the relationship.

gillybeanz · 22/02/2018 17:11

I did all the shopping for our dc, dh didn't buy anything.
We always shared money though, no his or hers so he was paying too.
I listened to advice about not buying too early, seems like your dp has too.
What on earth have you spent 1k on, all of mine didn't cost that much?
That's a lot of money for a 17 week old bump.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 17:11

the world will not stop turning if you don't buy a nappy bin
it might not, but not having to take the bin out several times a day when living in a flat after a c-section doesn't feel like such a luxury. It's not the same when you only have to open the back door when you live in a house.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 17:12

It sounds like your partner should start saving to buy himself a car if he needs so many taxis, it will make both your lives a lot easier when you have a baby

DeathStare · 22/02/2018 17:13

pram/baby bath + stand/cot/steriliser/baby thermometer/ baby monitor/ nappy bin (essential in a flat)/ footmuff (winter baby) and I could carry on

Well a pram and cot might be considered essential to most people (though not everyone - I have two friends who never had a pram and one of those also never had a cot) A baby monitor might be essential if your baby sleeps in a separate room and your house is big enough to not be able to hear them. That might not be the case for the OP.

The rest are not essential. I didn't have them for DC1 and TBH I don't know many people who did have a baby bath or thermometer. I know of nobody who had a nappy bin!

And the OP says that the big stuff (I assume pram and cot?) have been gifted to them.

Notonthestairs · 22/02/2018 17:13

I dont think you or him need to buy any more stuff just yet. You've got plenty of time.

But he does need to get on top of his finances.

prettywhiteguitar · 22/02/2018 17:14

He sounds incredibly irresponsible and in denial about what's going to change this year for you both

DeathStare · 22/02/2018 17:15

Sensible would be making his wages last the month, putting a little aside as savings for the baby and getting the bloody bus to work

But the OP isn't asking about his frivolous spending. She's asking whether she should be upset because his frivolous spending isn't on the same things as her frivolous spending.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2018 17:16

Fair point Laurie is a 17 week pregnancy even a "bump"?

I still think Op wins in the sensible stakes. Simply because she at least has savings and can budget her income to cover all outgoings for the month, with change.

ArnoldBee · 22/02/2018 17:16

I didn't buy anything until.the 20 week scan and even then we got everything second hand for less than £100. 5 years later we don't have any of these things as we've passed them on during the big clear out as he started school. Babies need love, a roof over their head, warmth and a few essential items in the first 6 months. Best to get clothes/toys bought as presents by others with any gaps filled by second hand stuff as they soon move on to the next stage.
My friend got and fancy travel system for £800 which became redundant quite quickly as it was just too big so ended up buying something smaller that actually fit in their car and lovely mama's and papas nursery furniture which was £500 but again no longer suitable now the child is older.
Be excited but remember you'll be spending money on your child for the rest of your life so don't spend it all before it's born.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2018 17:16

Why are you going through life separately?

Even if you don't want joint accounts all spending on essentials should be discussed and distributed fairly. And then a decision made about savings and a decision made about 'spends'.

You are about to be a family but you're not behaving like one.

gamerchick · 22/02/2018 17:16

It’s far to early to be buying stuff and both your priorities sound a bit screwed up.

It sounds as if you have this little romantic dream in your head of what life is going to be like with a baby. You both need to thrash out finances ASAP.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/02/2018 17:18

Interesting that you say he has no self-discipline when you have dropped over a grand already. You've probably bought a ton of crap you won't need, yet you are whining for even more money to be spent? Do you shop like this for yourself, or buy lavish presents for other people? Or do you think pregnancy hormones have sent you silly?

ArnoldBee · 22/02/2018 17:18

And the men i know tend to buy things after the baby has arrived as they feel more connected.

Thunderthunderthundercatshooo · 22/02/2018 17:18

I can kind of see where he's coming from so early on in your pregnancy. As for him not buying stuff surely if you are having a baby together you think of it as you buying the stuff together, rather than separate? If you've spent £1000 why would he spend more? My husband hasn't really ever physically bought any of our baby stuff, the only time he has was when I was in hospital after having our children and I sent him for a few things. It was paid for out of our money together though. I hardly bought anything until the baby had arrived anyway.

Kittykatmacbill · 22/02/2018 17:19

Spending a grand before 20 week scan seems a bit bonkers. I don’t think we bought a think until nearly 30 weeks.

Sorry op.

ferrier · 22/02/2018 17:19

17 weeks??!!
I'm not surprised he's not bought anything yet.
I don't think I bought anything until about 6 months and dh didn't do any of it. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

gillybeanz · 22/02/2018 17:19

Stop buying for the baby and open a joint account.
Both put your wages in there, cover bills, stuff for baby, then split what is left between you.
in effect the money stays in the account and you both take some pocket money every month.
If his is gone halfway through the month tough titty, but the bills are paid.
If he won't do this you have problems.
He should pay off his debt with his own money, not the family money.

LaurieMarlow · 22/02/2018 17:19

it might not, but not having to take the bin out several times a day when living in a flat after a c-section doesn't feel like such a luxury

I lived in a flat after a c-section and never once felt the lack of a nappy bin. You can argue that it made your life easier, sure. But to suggest its essential is just silly.

Hellywelly10 · 22/02/2018 17:20

Childcare will be the biggest expense op.

Shehz21 · 22/02/2018 17:20

Uhm OP how did you reach 17 weeks already?????Confused

DP not buying anything for bump
Schlimbesserung · 22/02/2018 17:23

I hate to piss on your chips OP, but at least half of the stuff you think is completely essential for your first baby turns out to be useless tat. I fell for the expensive baby bath unit thingy, turned out to be an awful faff to empty and a washing up bowl on the kitchen table was much more practical. Similar happened with a Bumbo seat, bath seat, baby gym, the list goes on!
It sounds like both of you need to get a hold of your spending and make a sensible plan which involves both of you.

gamerchick · 22/02/2018 17:25

So she’s 14 weeks? Lunacy to be buying this early.

Why say you’re 17 weeks? It doesn’t make it sound any better. Still too early.

Coyoacan · 22/02/2018 17:26

does the dishes for me as I work a lot, and goes to Tesco whenever I need anything

I do not think that it is necessary to celebrate a pregnancy with a shopping spree, but it seems like you pay all the bills and do all the housework, you really need to sort this out before the baby comes along. The days of women doing all the housework were supposed to end when women started paying the bills.

Bramble71 · 22/02/2018 17:26

It sounds like you have everything sorted already, but maybe he is a bit superstitious about buying things till bub arrives?