DP not buying anything for bump

[theforeignwoman]

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

I didn't buy anything until I was about 5.5 months. My partner first bought something for the baby when he was just born! Sounds like he is interested and excited so I wouldn't worry. He sounds sensible to me. The actual birth is a long way off yet so he is concentrating on spending his money on other things.

Today when I brought up the fact that it would be nice if he contributed more with something he did point out how nice it must be for me to have savings and be able to finance a nursery when he is struggling. Perhaps it sounds heartless, but I just don't get his financial choices. He has about £900 in disposable income after rent that goes disappearing during the middle of the month.

You're pregnant, money is tight, your partner has debt, isn't really trying to sort it out (ie buying takeaways etc) - and your biggest issue is that he hasn't spent yet more money you don't have on something that isn't a necessity?

I think you BOTH need to sort yourselves and your priorities out ASAP.

^^This.

Congrats on your pregnancy OP.

I don't think my DP bought anything for the baby on his own, he was quite reluctant to buy anything until baby was safely born (I had miscarried previously). We were "handed down" most of the big ticket items and the rest we either bought together or I bought on my own.

tbh I would have been a bit if he had bought the baby a teddy - that would have been wayyyy down low on my list of priorities. Loads of people gift baby a soft toy, as parents it was the last thing we would have thought of. Because we had soooooo many handmedown clothes I limited myself to buying one new set, plus a lovely lovely cream cotton blanket to wrap baby in when he was born - which we ended up not using on the midwife's advice because (she said) it was far too nice to get covered in yuck (TMI sorry!) as they didn't wash the babies when they come into the world. We used it a lot afterwards though and I still have it 20 yrs later.

If you want DP to be involved more in purchases for the baby, ask him to come with you to choose something. But make it something you need, and remember you have plenty of time still. I wouldn't be looking for a "token" gift.

If your DP has debt, as other posters, say, do ask how you can help him focus on that first. Babies are a joint enterprise and you both need to be as financially healthy as possible.

for you, hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well.

Honestly, don't buy anything else! I brought what I thought was essentials for DD but in the days after she came home we were overwhelmed with so many gifts it was ridiculous. Obviously very kind of people but on sorting through all the stuff ready for birth of DC2 I counted we have 9 baby hooded towels and huge amounts of blankets/hats/cardigans. All barely used. Everyone is under strict instructions to buy nothing for this baby and if they insist then vouchers/outfits in bigger sizes will be most appreciated. Trust me, you are going to be overwhelmed with stuff. Save your money.

I think he’s very sensible in trying to clear his debt before spending money on a baby that a) won’t arrive for another 23 weeks and b) needs very little to begin with anyway.
If the baby already has a pram/nursery/clothes etc, what is left to buy?

at 17 weeks YABU

You have huge financial issues that need sorting out. Your attitudes to money are way out of synch. I think that's going to be a big problem when you have a child together.

You say he he's bad with money and hits his overdraft half way through each month (after frittering money on himself) when you "take over financially". So you're supporting both of you for 50% of the month?
To me (along with him not wanting to contribute to buying anything for the baby) rings the alarm bells marked "Selfish" and "immature".

Good on you for being self employed and doing well enough to support yourself, save and prop up your dp.

However, consider the possibility of not being able to return to work with a baby (unexpected health problems, pnd or difficulties with childcare) and how that might pan out. It would be wise to have a contingency fund saved instead of too many cute outfits and the latest pram.

YABU
£1K is an awful lot to spend on a baby when you have debt between you, and presumably will be loosing best part of a salary once the baby arrives.
Much of what you need is readily available secondhand often still BNWT
Look at washable nappies and wipes to save you a fortune (£200-300 for Birth to potty, as opposed to £500-1500 depending on brand for throwaway ones with plastic in them)
Secondhand pram/travel system
Secondhand cot - but buy a new mattress
muslins
a sling of carrier - try a sling library you can hire cheaply eg £5/month here
NCT Nearly new Sale for baby clothes - pick good brands in good condition and often you can ebay them afterwards and make money - my friend did this and said she MADE almost £500 on her daughters baby clothes, less on her son's but still in profit.
and expect a few gifts, & you'll not need much else.
You don't need a baby bath or all the gadgets they suggest in the adverts/babymags & try and breastfeed if you can (see a breastfeeding councillor or group for help) it doesn't cost you as much and is better for baby.

If he has debt he probably doesn't want to spend that much on the baby at this stage. Babies don't actually need that much. Parents often like to spend quite a bit but generally, babies manage fine with ugly, second-hand stuff.

So, as others have said, rather than being disappointed with him, you need to sit down and decide on a budget and how your finances are going to work. Then you can decide if you really ought to be sticking with him now you have a child to consider as well and his financial choices are going to impact you and the child to a much greater extent.

He has about £900 in disposable income after rent that goes disappearing during the middle of the month

That's the issue you need to be talking about with him OP. Not whether he buys anything for the baby. To be honest it doesn't sound like the baby needs anything else buying. But there will be plenty of ongoing expenses once its here.

So actually, OP, the problem is that he's not very good with money, not that he isn't buying non-essential stuff for a baby that probably doesn't seem all that real to him yet?

That's a different issue, and one that you need to sit down with him and talk about before you both become parents.

Why are people complaining about the OP spending £1,000 of her own money, that she can well afford, on a new baby she's excited about, when her own partner spends nearly that EVERY MONTH on himself!

I disagree with some of the comments, I spent a fortune on my first baby - reused most of the items for the next ones and I don't rguegret any of them, everything was well used. The only thing that stayed brand new were "swaddling blankets" kind of things.

I bought the babies "teddies" myself (so I could buy 2 or 3 of each, have a spare, wash them regularly). By itself, buying "stuff" for your baby is not wrong.

17 weeks is awfully early though, and you really should clear up debts first.

I guess my problem is a bit of both. If he was being sensible with his money and trying to establish some kind of savings for the future, then yeah, I probably wouldn't be posting this. But when the money he does have goes to taxi rides to work (40 min walk!), take aways and other random stuff, I am disapppointed that there's no room for a baby carrier or whatever else that would show he cares. He has no real debts, but goes into his overdraft every month so I am forced to provide for us.

As mentioned earlier, I have quite a lot in savings, a very steady income and have prepared financially for this baby for a long time before even getting pregnant. £1000 makes no difference to me.

What? He has £900 in disposable income after rent and burns through that in a couple of weeks? Then moans about his debts?

He's an irresponsible idiot I'm afraid and he's taking the piss out of you by making you support him financially when he's pissed all his pocket money up the wall.

Why are people complaining about the OP spending £1,000 of her own money, that she can well afford, on a new baby she's excited about
because some of us had really bad experience and know that 17 weeks in a pregnancy is VERY early to celebrate a new baby. Wish for the best, enjoy each step of your pregnancy, but don't go overboard.

I'm 32 weeks and still have bought almost nothing

Why are people complaining about the OP spending £1,000 of her own money, that she can well afford, on a new baby she's excited about, when her own partner spends nearly that EVERY MONTH on himself!

Because she's spending as frivolously as he is. And she's complaining because his frivolous spending is not on the things she would choose to spend it on.

That wasn't mentioned in the OP Brill.

But what she says about finances either doesn't really add up, or he must be just really awful with money if he has £900 to spend on his own wants, but he can't make it last all month and is in debt.

I still don't think the OP needs to have spent as much as she has on the baby, but it sounds like they might have bigger financial problems due to his spending, especially if they will take a hit to income when the baby comes, which it sounds like they will, being self employed.

Unless they can work around each other while the other cares for the baby, they're going to face either reduced income, or childcare costs.

YABU.

17 weeks is extremely early in the pregnancy, give the guy a chance to sort his finances and spending habits out, he has ages to buy the baby stuff though it sounds like he's lost out on his chance now everything has been bought so early.

I think it can be harder for dads to connect. They don't actually carry the baby and buying all the 'cutesy baby things' tends to be a mother's domain as it is usually her choice. Maybe he doesn't know what to choose?

My DH is as blokey as they come and wouldn't have a clue what to buy a baby. But... We went to the Baby Show and found a Recaro stand selling car seats and travel systems.

He instantly recognised the brand as he is a massive petrol head and Recaro make car seats for Formula 1. They also make aeroplane seats and are the absolute in passenger safety! So... one complete travel system later... He felt he had made a great choice for our baby based on brand knowledge he knew. Whereas he had never heard of iCandy or Silver Cross!

This was a great starting point in his involvement from a 'stuff' point of view, but he has been an involved and excited dad since conception and that is the most important thing

OP, his overdraft could be costing him a lot of money. He needs to stay out of it.

You also need to agree on an amount that you both put into a joint account each month for household costs, food, annual expenses and savings.

The rest you can both blow as you choose on a 'when it is gone, it is gone' basis. If he has no money after 2 weeks, well it's packed lunch, walking to work and beans on toast or whatever food is in the house instead of takeaways until payday..

He's being sensible imo. Why waste your savings when you don't know what you'll want once baby's here? I spent over 1K on a travel system when I was pregnant. Such a waste as she outgrew the fancy car seat within a year, hated the buggy and bassinet attachment and wanted to be carried in the sling. I wish I'd waited and bought a Gemini carrier and lightweight fold up buggy! But you don't know what you'll want/need until they're born. Even baby clothes, mine was long and slim so I had to shop around for different brands. And wriggly so all the things with fussy buttons went to the charity shop.
Oh and other expensive mistakes: a travel coat we used once, a fancy bouncer she hated, a breathing sensor monitor we never used, cloth nappies (preferred disposables) and a wardrobe full of nursing dresses I didn't wear as they were too big once I'd given birth.

Best to wait until your baby is here. Just get the essentials or you'll end up with a house full of clutter!