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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP not buying anything for bump

320 replies

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 15:54

Short background story: DP and I are both in our mid twenties, I am 17 weeks pregnant. We are not super well off although not struggling at all and I have savings.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have been buying stuff for the baby despite being told it was wayyy too early. I always wanted to be a Mum so found it hard to wait, and as DP has always wanted to be a Dad, I expected him to join in on the shopping spree but no. So far I have more or less the whole nursery ready - all the big purchases such as pram, cot, etc. are all bought or gifted to us and I have spent approx. £1000 out of my own pocket. As this is very early on, I didn't expect DP to join in on this and figured he'd be more connected after our scan at 14 weeks.

We have had our scan, but he still has not bought anything for the bump. I am now 17 weeks. We earn more or less the same although I have brought home a fair bit more than him recently, which is why I didn't mind financing the majority of things out of my own pocket. I wouldn't say he is as good with his money as I am, as he always seems to hit his overdraft during the middle of the month where I have to take over financially. This is not a problem as he has helped me out before.

I'm fine with having spent as much as I have so far, but disappointed in his lack of involvement or even gratitude. He doesn't seem to care about any of the stuff I have got for the baby at all. I gently brought it up today, if he would like to start contributing and the first thing he said was "I can't. I need to focus on my debt first. We can get the stuff later on.". I realise his debt is important and I'm happy he is doing his best to improve his finances, but AIBU to be a bit disappointed he hasn't bought a single teddy for the bump or ANYTHING at all?

Again, I'm not expecting him to spend a crazy amount of money on baby stuff as we don't even know the gender, but the guy spends money on take aways and other non essentials. If he went out and bought a plushie or anything for the baby, it'd mean the world to me but I doubt it is going to happen.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2018 16:14

I really don’t get your thread. You say he doesn’t shop. He’s being true to form. My dh bought nothing for dd. We didn’t have a cot until way after she was born. We used a Moses basket and bought the pram shortly before she was born.

Original poster

theforeignwoman · 22/02/2018 16:14

why we DON'T have joint accounts.

OP posts:

OhCalamity · 22/02/2018 16:15

He could be like my DP - he left the buying to me because I had more mum friends and family who already had children who recommended certain things.

geekymommy · 22/02/2018 16:15

Some people don't like buying stuff for babies. I think the hormones do make it more attractive to buy stuff for babies, and he doesn't have those. He may feel like he has no idea what he would need to buy for the baby, or that you have that covered, or that it's bad luck to buy stuff too early, or that paying down debt is a more urgent priority now.

I would advise against buying too much stuff for the baby, and especially against stocking up on anything, before you know what's going to work for you and your baby. Not all nappies, etc, are the same. Some of them are going to work better for you and your baby than others. The only way to figure it out seems to be trial and error.

Brakebackcyclebot · 22/02/2018 16:16

Having read your latest update, I think there are financial issues here to sort out though. You are enabling him to keep on being financially irresponsible. You have it spot on when you say that he spends on takeaways and instant stuff because he knows you will buy the rest. You need to stop doing this!

But this is unrelated to your original question about buying your baby stuff now - which I still think is very very early and a bit crazy.

diddl · 22/02/2018 16:18

£1000 spent excluding big purchases??

Makingworkwork · 22/02/2018 16:21

My HV said that if you ask a ‘pregnant couple’ if they are parents then the women says yes and the man says they will be.

When you are pregnant your life changes but your partner has not. I don’t think it is a concern that DP has bought anything of his own choosing for the baby and it is very very early. My nearly two year old is not in her nursey yet. You have at least a year before you need a nursery.

It is concerning that you are financially planning for this baby together. You need to sit down with him and discuss finances.

Upsidedownandinsideout · 22/02/2018 16:22

17 weeks is very early and £1000 is a tremendous amount of money, especially if you are getting given the big items. Perhaps he feels that if this is your approach and focus his job is to balance that by clearing debts - which is very sensible! it's hard for a lot of first time fathers to really get excited / feel it's real until it starts getting closer to the date. My DH has been an adoring dad to 3 dcs but wasn't really into pregnancy 1 until we had the 20 week scan and then had NCT classes. Can you sit down together to make a list of things that need to get done and maybe allocate some each?

kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 16:23

I didn't buy a thing until after I was 20 weeks and even then it's only because we saw a good deal on a travel system. Most things were bought after 30 weeks.
You have loads of time and it's only 'stuff'. It's not an indicator of what kind of father he will be. When I was heavily pregnant my dh and I were in next buying babygrows and he really wasn't bothered about choosing.
Now ds is here (almost 19mo actually) dh is always choosing him clothes and toys and going out for the day together & getting muddy/having fun.

notacooldad · 22/02/2018 16:23

does the dishes for me

DH once told me he'd done the dishes "for me". Once
I picked up on that lol!

Ds told me last night he had cleaned the kitchen ' for me last week.
I've been away from home for nearly 3 weeks!! He won't be saying that again either!

Carouselfish · 22/02/2018 16:23

My exP bought SO MUCH SHIT for the baby, stuff that she wouldn't be using until she was about 4 for example. I had to find places to put it all.
He's spent the last 3 years doing the same. Christmas and birthdays are times that I dread. And anyway, since every week was present week all the joy has been taken out. Now she's talking though and started saying 'where's my present, Daddy?' when he visits, he's suddenly realised his error and pulled it back a bit.
I'm jealous OP. He sounds sensible.

Underparmummy · 22/02/2018 16:23

He probably doesn't think there is much to buy - and there isn't!

Basket, little bath, some clothes and some nappies will see you through the first few months if you plan on breastfeeding.

BewareOfDragons · 22/02/2018 16:23

If all the 'big' purchases have been bought for you as gifts, what on earth have you spent £1000 on for a 17 week pregnancy???

You say you are better with money ... I beg to differ. Your level of purchasing sounds insane, as does you sadness that your partner isn't wasting money on teddies and 'stuff' that babies don't need or care about.

Babies don't need much. You sound like you are seriously wasting your money.

kaytee87 · 22/02/2018 16:25

I'm a slow typer. Saw your update, you need to work out how this will work financially - that's the issue, not baby clothes.

Gazelda · 22/02/2018 16:25

Maybe he thinks you've been getting carried away with the shopping, is embarrassed that you financially support him and that he has debt?
I'd be pleased that he's prioritising his debt. Just make sure that he actually is!
FWIW, my DP left all of the research, choosing etc to me. But as Time got nearer and we needed to get sorted, he was very hands on with joint shopping and purchasing expeditions. The only thing he got on his own was the cutest little outfit which he asked if baby could wear to come home from hospital in. That little outfit is so precious and is in DD's memory box.

almostgotfreemilk · 22/02/2018 16:26

My husband didn't buy anything himself. It was either a joint effort or me.

RoyalBelum · 22/02/2018 16:26

We don't all have to go for the fashionable "gender neutral" purchase . Parents are allowed to purchase boys or girls items for a boy or a girl. that's what they are for, believe it or not.

Anyway, OP, both my DH and I were over-excited about pregnancy, we didn't buy anything until I was around 8 months pregnant, and only because we needed travel system just in case, and the delivery was around 4 weeks. Not everyone is that keen to go on a big shopping spree so very early in your pregnancy.

It sounds like you have already all you need, so really, you should stop for now and concentrate on paying back debts.

PuntasticUsername · 22/02/2018 16:27

He does the dishes FOR YOU? Does he not eat himself? Oh wait, you said, he likes his takeaways. Pizza boxes don't need washing...

"I have quite a lot saved up and actually felt I was maybe doing him a bit of a favour by buying all the big stuff already as he has an overdraft and is struggling. The man has really no self dicipline though and maybe that is why I am disappointed - that he would rather spend the little money he does have on take aways and other stuff, because he knows I will buy the rest."

Um. OP, I hate to say this, I honestly do. But are you familiar with the term "cocklodger" at all?

DeathStare · 22/02/2018 16:28

The man has really no self dicipline though and maybe that is why I am disappointed - that he would rather spend the little money he does have on take aways and other stuff, because he knows I will buy the rest

Or maybe he thinks the rest is unnecessary. And to be honest if you already have cot, pram, car set etc. then spending £1000 on other things does seem a bit OTT.

Given that you have your own business maybe he's also a bit panicky about the idea that your income is about to reduce while you are also spending so much. If you have savings maybe you'd be better off using them to cover any maternity leave you might have, and the additional expenses that you are about to have over the next few (18!) years rather than spending them all on a ridiculous amount of newborn stuff.

Branleuse · 22/02/2018 16:30

youre being a bit over the top tbh. Your baby doesnt need anything. It doesnt need any teddies. Its nice to be excited, but buying tonnes of crap you dont need does not mean you love your baby more.

DevilTree · 22/02/2018 16:31

A lot of people wouldn't want to 'jinx it' by buying things so early. You're barely past the point where miscarriages are relatively common, and the anomaly scan at 20 weeks can throw everything for a loop, frankly.

Also, what on earth have you spent £1000+ on?? I find that kind of expenditure quite mindblowing tbh - all I bought beforehand was a moses basket, a baby sleeping bag, a sling, a car seat, a handful of babygrows and a packet of nappies. If you want to splurge your money on inessentials then that is absolutely up to you, and if it brings you pleasure then it's money well spent. But I think it's a bit rich expecting him to do the same, especially when he's got debts to clear.

Have a conversation with him where you list the essentials (the actual essentials!!) and split the cost of those with him. What you buy on top of that is up to you, frankly.

Reallycantbebothered · 22/02/2018 16:31

YABU, ime much harder for the father to bond with as yet unborn child ....you're probably hardly showing yet and unlikely to be feeling any movements so he's unable to see/ feel anything anyway
You're less than half way through pregnancy and unfortunately lots can go wrong, so maybe he's just being cautious and sensible in paying off his debts before spending any money
Plenty of time to buy stuff

DuckBilledAardvark · 22/02/2018 16:31

YABU he wants to pay off his debt, that’s the sensible thing to do. Anyway you’ve said you’ve bought everything anyway.

PinkCircle · 22/02/2018 16:31

Amusedbush and notacooldad......exactly what I came on to say!

RedSkyAtNight · 22/02/2018 16:31

If you've had a pram and cot gifted to you and have already spent £1000 on other items, sounds like the baby is pretty much kitted out until about age 5.

If he has debt to clear then paying this off first seems eminently sensible!

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