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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't stand men, do I need help rectifying this.

198 replies

carolmusic · 22/02/2018 15:19

Yes I've had bad relationships which has definitely contributed to this statement, currently single and not even slightly interested in finding anyone. I've had enough of them. They seem so arrogant, drive like they rule the roads(I drive a lot in my job), seem to have no respect for women, see them looking at young girls with their tongues wagging, it's pathetic. They don't seem to like women with authority, who can look after themselves and do things without a man. They annoy me every day now and yes I'm probably looking out for these things but I can't help it. Do I need help/counselling/whatever to get over this or is this how it is now? HELP, am I alone in this? Angry

OP posts:
Notamorningperson84 · 22/02/2018 19:17

The older I get the more I agree with you OP. I count my OH as one of the nice ones but even he has a tendency to come out with 'not all men'. It took me going on a big emotional rant to get him to see how dismissive that is.

Men grow up never being expected to put themselves in others shoes. They're taught that what they want is number one. It's far more damaging than i ever realised. Even the nice ones have this ingrained entitlement that they don't even notice. I think that's why they react so badly to generalisation. Nobody wants to think of themselves as the problem.

GrannyGrissle · 22/02/2018 19:22

I'm heading the same way OP, I don't think reading about all the arsehole DH/DP on here helps. It is possibly skewing my opinion.

Original poster
carolmusic · 22/02/2018 19:28

Sorry I haven't posted I've been at work and trying to catch up on the comments. I'm not going into my history of my experience with men but all my partners I've been nothing but nice, caring, would do anything for them but I seem to get walked over by behaving like this. I've never been physically abused but definitely mentally abused and my recent ex also made a very derogatory comment about my DD and her BF hence why he's my ex. I've been used for sex, disrespected, walked over, put down, had degrading comments about me and my home but I did nothing to warrant this treatment and I've thought long and hard about personality and the way I am with me and I really can't see I e done to warrant this treatment. I have a DS and I'm hopefully bringing him up to respect females and by not staying with disrespectful partners, I'm showing that you can't treat anyone like that.
I'm going to make a conscious effort tomorrow to look out for lovely men and how they behave.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 22/02/2018 19:30

Yet is supposed to be us women that are somehow nicer, kinder etc?

Says who? Plus nice and kind doesn't mean naive,dumb and blind,as much as some men would really like it to be.
You can be nice and kind but at the same time not put up and shut up and blindly accept male violence.

HandbagKrabby · 22/02/2018 19:31

I wouldn’t be looking for another relationship if anything happens to dh. I don’t look around any of the men I know and see someone I’d share my life and home with. I hope very much we can break the cycle of toxic male behaviour for the sake of my dc - there’s so much to do though!

And yes men get assaulted by other men more than women do but women cop for the majority of sexual assault and rape which are also violent crimes and can be further compounded with additional violence.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2018 19:31

I wouldn't mind the "nice" men not being brave enough to stand up to misogyny if they didnt join in with the "it's just a joke, don't be so frigid" bollocks

Women also do this. Those that say you have no SOH if you have a stony face in the glare of objectification. Those women that say they are "men's women" and can't get on with other females

But I digress. Women do this to stay on the right side of men because it feels like shit to be on the "wrong" side. I don't blame them. I blame patriarchy.

ConfusedNoMore · 22/02/2018 20:10

Spot on! @Anyfucker

Nursejackie1 · 22/02/2018 20:12

I have to agree. I know there are decent ones out there but in my experience they are few and far between. They are mostly control freaks, arrogant and selfish. I cannot see myself ever being with one again. They are responsible for a massive proportion of child sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and dangerous driving compared to women. The list goes on and on. I'm done with them.

Original poster
carolmusic · 22/02/2018 20:14

That's just how I feel @Nursejackie1

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 22/02/2018 20:20

I like the men in my life - my husband, a few friends.

Does it hurt me or any man if OP doesn’t like men? No.

So, if you don’t want to have contact with men, don’t. Make an exception for your DS though Wink.

Not liking a certain subset of people doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to treat them badly.

sixteenapples · 22/02/2018 20:23

Some of the arguments are very well made.

I also have had good realtionships with men. I work with men and I have a DS. I am a defender of men - and at work I've been screwed over, betrayed, out-manoeuvred by women far more than men.

BUT I have been humiliated, physically assaulted by men, (never by a woman), attacked, followed, pestered for sex, nearly killed once, (never raped luckily), and when I was young and living in Paris it was relentless and very dangerous.

I thought I was past it - being an older woman now - but I was attacked a few weeks ago by two very strong men. It was not sexual - it was probaby best described as road rage - but it was horrible. They used their power.

Men as a class, the societal set up that enables their behaviour, and all the excellent points that have been made on this thread tell me that something has to change.

RainOnATinRoof · 22/02/2018 20:26

I like my husband but if our relationship ended, I wouldn’t bother with men ever again.

Every time I glance over a newspaper I’m confronted with how awful men are, particularly towards women. I don’t believe in NAMALT. Because most men, even the so-called “good men” are happy to stand by while bad men do awful things. The “good men” are happy with the status quo. This has probably been the most depressing realisation of my life

user764329056 · 22/02/2018 20:32

Yes OP and others, sadly I am of the same beliefs

ReanimatedSGB · 22/02/2018 20:33

This is quite good on how, when women talk about abuse they have suffered at the hands of men, they still get lectured about the need to take care of men's feelings, at the expense of women's.

specialsubject · 22/02/2018 20:35

Can't stand women because of the arrogant oxygen waster who abused my partner today when he suggested she control her dog. May it chew her face off.

Just as fair as your comment..

SlothSlothSloth · 22/02/2018 20:41

@specialsubject please actually read the threads. Most people are talking about systemic behaviour by men which is a totally different thing to individual women behaving badly. When you look at the stats the systemic problem is impossible to deny.

IfNot · 22/02/2018 20:46

Good article SGB-thanks.

halfwitpicker · 22/02/2018 20:49

99% of men are a waste of space and not to be trusted.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/02/2018 21:34

While it's #notallmen, it's enough men for women to be anxious most of the time. The man who comes up and starts talking at you in the street - is he just a pest? Does he think he's some sort of charming romantic type? If you don't want to engage with him, is he going to accept this and go away, or is he going to be obnoxious? Is he going to be dangerous? The male colleague who you just got promoted over, who makes a jokingnotjoking remark about feminism going too far now - is he being petulant or is he going to try to harm you professionally?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 22/02/2018 21:45

While it's #notallmen, it's enough men for women to be anxious most of the time

If you’re really anxious most of the time because men exist then you probably have an underlying medical condition and need some help.

The worst things that have been done to me in my life have been done by women. Primarily a horrifically emotionally abusive mother and a boss who was a manipulative psychopath and drove me to a breakdown.

I don’t spend my everyday life wandering around in a permanent state of anxiety that I might encounter a woman.

I think living your life in permanent fear of half the population of the world nursing a hatred for them must be an incredibly sad and destructive way to live.

Original poster
carolmusic · 22/02/2018 21:53

I'm not anxious and I don't have a sad life! Just fed up of men's behaviour and they're attitude of being entitled to that behaviour.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 22/02/2018 21:55

I don’t spend my everyday life wandering around in a permanent state of anxiety that I might encounter a woman.

That’s because you’re unlikely to be violently or sexaully assaulted by a woman. Its far more likely you’d be attacked by a man, as you said yourself.

SlothSlothSloth · 22/02/2018 22:03

@Eltonjohnssyrup it's not necessarily about being consciously anxious, but almost all of us as women modify our behaviour in ways we wouldn't need to if men didn't exist. Out of often an unconscious fear of men. Things like avoiding walking after dark by ourselves, or watching our drinks carefully in clubs. As you surely know, men don't even have to think about these things.

Skarossinkplunger · 22/02/2018 22:09

You’re in the right place op

princesssparkle1 · 22/02/2018 22:11

I know lots of men and I like them all. They are great guys. I have met one horrible man in my life, but other than that all the rest are lovely.

But they bore me.

It's women I find mentally stimulating and funny. Amusing, witty, great to talk to with true insight.

And I'm straight.

And divorced (happily) and great mates with ex husband - who also bores me.

What a to do 😳🙄