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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't stand men, do I need help rectifying this.

198 replies

carolmusic · 22/02/2018 15:19

Yes I've had bad relationships which has definitely contributed to this statement, currently single and not even slightly interested in finding anyone. I've had enough of them. They seem so arrogant, drive like they rule the roads(I drive a lot in my job), seem to have no respect for women, see them looking at young girls with their tongues wagging, it's pathetic. They don't seem to like women with authority, who can look after themselves and do things without a man. They annoy me every day now and yes I'm probably looking out for these things but I can't help it. Do I need help/counselling/whatever to get over this or is this how it is now? HELP, am I alone in this?

OP posts:

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/02/2018 17:17

I’m beginning to feel like you OP, that they’re just not worth the hassle.

My DDad was lovely, but that didn’t help me to pick good men. I’ve been used, hit, strangled, intimidated, lied to, emotionally abused and generally let down by pretty much every man I’ve had a relationship with over the last 20 years.

I don’t want to be treated like a princess, I’d settle for being treated like a person.

The thought of trying to meet a man who isn’t going to be a bully, sexually aggressive, a cheat or a general knobber now fills me with dread and if only I found women attractive I’d definitely be looking at being a lesbian instead! Sadly I find men attractive so maybe I’ll just stick to using them for sex and not bother trying to live with them.

I’ve seen marriages, where the guy has seemed like the nicest most charming man ever, fall apart due to his emotional abuse, cheating and narcissism. I can count on one hand the number of marriages I know that I would be happy in.

IfNot · 22/02/2018 17:20

I don’t want to be treated like a princess, I’d settle for being treated like a person

I think I want that on a T-shirt!

UnicornSnot · 22/02/2018 17:22

Well said ColdBurntToast

Since men (generally) weld more power than women, their fuck ups are potentially more evident and destructive. If they didn't have so much power, or if women generally had as much power as men, then there would be less focus on their failings as a group.

But yes, they often turn out to be wearisome.

Qvar · 22/02/2018 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNot · 22/02/2018 17:34

You know, you can't really equate "I'm starting to hate men" with "I'm starting to hate gay people" or whatever.
If lesbians, for example, kept women from earning as much as they do, groped them, objectified them, kidnapped and murdered them on the scale that men as a group do, then I think I would feel justified saying I hate lesbians.

HighwayChile · 22/02/2018 17:35

I don’t want to be treated like a princess, I’d settle for being treated like a person

Absolutely agree with this statement!

I'm single for the first time in 20 years after being in mainly abusive relationships and totally get where you are coming from OP. It would be wonderful not to be automatically distrustful of men but having just about survived the consequences of trusting the wrong men, I appreciate that isn't easy.

That said, I really do want to believe that NAMALT despite the lack of evidence of that in my personal experience.

whoareyoukidding · 22/02/2018 17:37

Maybe this is one of the reasons why many men hate older women: older women see them for what they are. (not saying that young women don't, too)

BelleandBeast · 22/02/2018 17:38

I feel like you OP, I can't believe the romantic clap trap I fell for and spent so long bemoaning my lack of boyfriends.

I enjoyed sex the most with a fuck buddy I had in my thirties,

Their only other use is the fathering of children.

I'm sick of the constant man made wars, paedophiles and rapists, all mainly men.

They're all at it . Look at Brendan Cox. I despair for my daughters.

noeffingidea · 22/02/2018 17:39

Timefortea no it won't. There's no sense of perspective in these threads, the fact is that for every man that catcalls or shouts something nasty, hundreds of other men manage to walk or drive past just minding their own business.
Having said that, I have been single for years now and have no interest in looking for another relationship. I think we can get along without men, as men can get along without women. There's no need to be in a relationship to be socially acceptable any more.

stitchglitched · 22/02/2018 17:43

I don't like men as a class either. There are individual men such as my partner and members of my family who I love dearly but other than that I'm not interested in having them in my life beyond necessary interactions. I have had some awful experiences with men and NAMALT but too many of them are.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/02/2018 17:44

Are you coming back OP?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 22/02/2018 17:44

But does every single man catcall in the street? Does every single man rape people?

Obviously I wasn’t talking about extremes, and there will always be men who are dickheads and women who are unpleasant. But they do tend to find each other.

I mean, any woman with sense, self esteem and confidence who was looking for a relationship go out with a man whose attitude was that all women were sluts and were after your money and only good for fucking and housework? Of course not, most women would run a mile from a man like that.

And in exactly the same way no decent bloke with self esteem is going to get into a relationship with a woman who thinks all men are arrogant bastards you can’t trust.

As a consequence men and women with those attitudes have self selected their potential pool of partners down to the desperate, the insincere, chancers, nutters and everybody else who has extremely odd attitudes that expressed outside Mumsnet would have people backing away from making their excuses to leave.

I know people like this IRL. Everybody has the odd crap boyfriend-or two. But you get men and women who go through streams of terrible relationships and always end up blaming it on the opposite sex as a whole. About 5% of the time it’s bad luck but about 95% of the time I’ve seen it happen, it’s because the person is a bit of an arsehole nobody sensible would touch with a barge pole.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2018 17:53

So what if most men "walk past minding their own business?"

Do you see many of them pull aside these twats that cat call and tell them to stop? No. Not unless it's their own female partner, relative or offspring. Then they go all territorial.

That's not respect of women, that is ownership

Qvar · 22/02/2018 17:54

yeah yeah yeah

Not all men

BUT TOO MANY FUCKING MEN

SwarmOfCats · 22/02/2018 17:55

I have experienced my share of utter wankstains/excuses for men. I’m divorced (he had an affair), I’ve been in an abusive relationship, I’ve been sexually assaulted by a stranger (enough to warrant a conviction for the man).

However, the man I’m with now is my best friend, and the men he associates with are a lovely bunch. Some people are horrible, some people aren’t; you just need to find the good ones.

If you’re off men, and you’re happy with that, it’s fine. If you distrust men and would like to change this, you could look into some counselling.

catfishsally · 22/02/2018 17:56

seriously just today I had three men old enough to be my father try to chat me up it's absolutely disgusting and I'm in my early 30s so I'm not exactly young!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/02/2018 17:57

Great victim blaming Elton.

I was strangled by my boyfriend because there was something wrong with me.

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2018 17:58

Do I need help/counselling/whatever to get over this or is this how it is now?

Only you can answer that question OP.

If you're (as I suspect) just having a rant, then there will probably come a time in the future where you feel differently.

If however you seriously can't stand just under half the population of the world, purely on the basis that they're not female then yes of course you need help/counselling.

IfNot · 22/02/2018 18:01

I have had some lovely boyfriends. But the bad ones don't usually rock up with a pair of horns and a tail. The one who broke my bones was my age (early 20s) a non sexist indie kid, with women friends. All the "nice guy" boxes.
It's not like I knew what he was going to turn into (horns, tail etc). That's what made it so unbelievable, and why I minimised it for so long, especially in the beginning, when it was "just" comments and gaslighting.
I am the very least victimy person you could meet. It's not just broken and damaged girls who get abused by men, you know that Elton?
And no of course men don't all rape, but almost all rape IS done by men!
So if a woman decided to not have men in her life anymore, that would be a fairly logical decision.
The real difference between men and women, is that when women decide they hate men they stay out of their way.
When men decide they hate women, they hurt them.

RebelRogue · 22/02/2018 18:01

Not All Men Are Like That.

Indeed they aren't... what's the "That" though? If you think it's only rape and child abuse ...indeed not all men are like that. But let's face it ,it doesn't stop or start there.

Once you add the ones that watch porn,leer over page 3 girls,harass women in the street (cat calling,give us a smile love ,starting conversations when they are not wanted), cheat, abuse (physically,sexually or emotionally...and no they don't always overlap so the number increases) , think their wife owes them sex,dinner,housekeeping, make and laugh at rape jokes and other misogynistic jokes, expect things because religion/traditions, use sex workers (escorts,prostitutes,cam girls), never consider taking a day off for the kids because the woman does that, don't do any of "the wife work" even when relating to their own interests/relatives, enjoy their privilege and dismiss women because we're all equal now, slut shame,defend other rapists and child abuser ....I could fucking go on... you realise that way too many men are indeed like That.

SlothSlothSloth · 22/02/2018 18:01

I don't know if I hate men but Ive come to resent the ease with which they move through life compared to women. Obviously men can have problems too, but as I've got further and further into my thirties and more of my peers have had children it's really become clear how much easier men have it. Biologically they get the easier ride, by far, but I also don't know any men who've come close to making as many sacrifices for their families as women do. In fact, nothing really seems to have changed at all for the men I know who've become fathers, while their female partners' worlds are turned upside down. The worst part is how oblivious they are. Even my own partner, a Good Man, definitely cannot grasp the extent of his own advantages and constantly talks about us having a baby as if it's no big deal. Because to him it won't be.

Add to that the war, sex crimes and violence carried out almost exclusively by men and I would have to agree I don't particularly see much good in them as a group.

I do sometimes wish I was asexual or attracted to women. While I love my partner I have started to think that the gap between men's and women's experience is too big for a straight relationship ever to be truly fulfilling.

Helmetbymidnight · 22/02/2018 18:02

I've had really great experiences with men.
Nice if annoying Dad.
Nice BF's.
Nice ex H.
Nice, if annoying DH.

But yeah, I hear what you're saying, op. How can people not? Men are fucking up massively. You only have to read the newspaper: on every page people are being killed, raped, abused, at war etc. 99% of times, it's men.

SlothSlothSloth · 22/02/2018 18:03

And porn! Don't get me started on porn! When you see what they think of women it seems daft to defend them really

Snowysky20009 · 22/02/2018 18:04

Stereotypical! Assumptions much! You obviously meet/attract the wrong men!

SlothSlothSloth · 22/02/2018 18:05

@IfNot

"The real difference between men and women, is that when women decide they hate men they stay out of their way.
When men decide they hate women, they hurt them."

This is so true! Thank you for putting it like that. It's so clear.

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