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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't stand men, do I need help rectifying this.

198 replies

carolmusic · 22/02/2018 15:19

Yes I've had bad relationships which has definitely contributed to this statement, currently single and not even slightly interested in finding anyone. I've had enough of them. They seem so arrogant, drive like they rule the roads(I drive a lot in my job), seem to have no respect for women, see them looking at young girls with their tongues wagging, it's pathetic. They don't seem to like women with authority, who can look after themselves and do things without a man. They annoy me every day now and yes I'm probably looking out for these things but I can't help it. Do I need help/counselling/whatever to get over this or is this how it is now? HELP, am I alone in this? Angry

OP posts:
Sarahh2014 · 22/02/2018 16:34

Don't be ridiculous

AngelsSins · 22/02/2018 16:36

Eltonjohnssyrup yeah of course, that's why only nasty women get raped and abused right?

deadringer · 22/02/2018 16:37

Namalt, but an awful lot of them are. And the older I get the more I see it.

Amanduh · 22/02/2018 16:38

Yes, it’s not normal.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/02/2018 16:40

And yep, NAMALT... but do you know, I really do think I am coming to the conclusion that in fact, most of them fucking are.

Not some, but most.

Yes I'm getting older, more grumpy, and it's what I see all around me so I reckon I can't be fucked any more to say anything other than, if it walks like a total cock, then yes it probably is.

DasPepe · 22/02/2018 16:47

I hear you OP.

Perhaps all the posters saying otherwise are the lucky ones.

I don't hate all men but I've come to realise that a lot of general difference between is far more destructive than we realise when we are young and idealistic.

KERALA1 · 22/02/2018 16:48

Some are decent. I reckon about one third. Out of dhs friendship group now 2 others are decent lovely men. The others we don't trust and some are derogatory about women in single sex groups. All the women are lovely and decent. Same with the partners at work about a third were faithful family men the others were sexist allycats.

My father has 2 decent friends as is he. Two of his work friends ended up in court for offences against under age girls. One wrote to dad hoping it wouldn't affect their friendship Hmm. He wrote back saying I never want to hear from you again!

duckingfisaster · 22/02/2018 16:52

Fuck me this thread is depressing.

I was going to say I hope none of the man-haters have sons, but actually I also hope you don’t have daughters who could absorb this bile and bigotry too.

I have a lot of incredible people on my life, friends, family, children, at least half of them are men and every single one without exception is nothing like the sweeping generalisations in the OP. They are just people, fantastic people - regardless of what is in their underwear. Imagine if negative assumptions like this were made about ‘women’ or ‘black people’ or ‘gay people. You’d be a sexist, racist, homophobe. But apparently prejudice, bigotry & hatred are fine if it is men we are talking about.

I really hope my incredible, empathetic, kind, lovely, honest, funny, caring and loyal boys (who are just like their Dad, Grandpa & Uncles - lovely men) don’t meet people with the kind of attitude demonstrated here, they deserve much better.

duckingfisaster · 22/02/2018 16:54

Oh & yes OP, seriously get some counselling.

Voiceforreason · 22/02/2018 16:56

Well said ducking!

MsGameandWatching · 22/02/2018 16:57

I think that in general in life you get back what you give out. So if you treat all men like they’re bastards the overwhelming majority aren’t going to be nice and treat you like a princess back

I think this is largely, naive clap trap. To start with I don't want to be treated like a "princess", most sensible women don't. In addition I entered my teenage years honestly believing I would meet a kind, faithful man and behaved that way myself. I was shit on over and over again and I gave up after my marriage during which my ex cheated on my while I was pregnant with our child. I heard later that the "Stag Dos" he and his large circle of friends all used to go on consisted mainly of who could cop off with the most women and/or sample the most prostitutes. I once met a lovely man who seemed kind and decent who told me with no reserve whatsoever that he and his friend travelled the word to go with prostitutes from various locales and then compare notes. I used to work in a male dominated environment where the non cheating man was either very newly married or was considered too ugly or sad to find women to be unfaithful with. When I split up with my ex I got numerous messages offering "support" from married friends husbands. The "support" rapidly turned to offers of popping round to give me a massage, these are man I hadn't seen for months/years, how could I consistently be treating them like bastards?

DatingLife · 22/02/2018 16:58

duckingfaster you sound very angry (much angrier than the OP irony!)

I'm wondering if maybe some counselling might be useful for you?

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/02/2018 16:59

Replace man/men with black/Jew/lesbian and see how ridiculous you sound

GeorgeTheHippo · 22/02/2018 17:01

I think there are a couple of things contributing to this view - the inequality that still persists in the workplace and the number of abused woman in the news. And when you get to a certain age you do get kind of fed up of men fecking off and leaving their wife with the kids.

IfNot · 22/02/2018 17:02

There are a few individual men that I really like, but as a group...nah, I'm not that keen.
If you think about all the shitty bastard things they do its a wonder we don't all hate them really.
SO true too about the lady gatekeepers of the reputation of men, who always come to their defence. And also so true that men certainly do NOT police one another when they talk about women on the Internet. .
The metoo/Weinstein business has really opened my eyes to the way even "nice" men are so quick to say " women do it too/what about men". And all the victim blaming and minimising that's been going on..
mind you women have been falling over themselves to do that too so maybe I just hate everybody!

DidoAndHerLament · 22/02/2018 17:04

Ug to the number of "not all men" responses. Of course not all men are dicks, but many of them are and it's difficult to tell which is which on casual or fleeting acquaintance.

How about getting into some feminist literature (of the radical/2nd wave variety)? Perhaps developing a deep intellectual understanding of your feelings towards men will help, even if it's just to cope with living in a world with men Grin

There's nothing wrong with you and you are definitely not alone Flowers

KERALA1 · 22/02/2018 17:04

Those are ridiculous comparisons and you know it. Sadly women are coming to these conclusions from lived experience not irrational unfair prejudices. Have you worked in City? I couldn't help but observe as a young woman the truly grim culture rife amongst the senior men. My own family men are also decent and lovely and I always start with that assumption but to think most men are like that is naive.

Felicitycity · 22/02/2018 17:05

There are some lovely men - there are some super grim women.

UnicornSnot · 22/02/2018 17:06

aw dukingfisaster Smile

You'll see, it's a process. Most of us (hopefully) do not start out with a black heart.

NoMoreUsernames · 22/02/2018 17:06

There are no men in my social circle like the ones you describe

You can't claim that with any certainty. I have a male relative, very popular man, loads and loads of friends, many of them female who would say exactly this except I know he treats his wife and kids like shit. He just reserves the shitty behaviour for family. I know many men socially who seem like lovely stand up guys, but no-one really knows their friends in the same way a live in partner does. I've seen many threads on here along a similar vein. Women in abusive relationships scared to tell anyone as they don't think anyone will believe them because their partners are well respected in the community and loved by their families etc, no-one would possibly believe they are controlling bullies. Very depressing.

Bramble71 · 22/02/2018 17:08

Many, but not all, are like that. My hubby, my Dad, BiL and my stepson are all wonderful examples of men. Don't give up on them.

ColdBurntToast · 22/02/2018 17:09

I agree, to an extent.

I don't think being an ass hole is an inherent masculine trait, any more than it is in a woman

But I do think the current set up in society is responsible for the large numbers of men who feel entitled to treat women as they wish, whether that consists of expecting their partner to do the lion's share of the housework, or regularly raping her because he "has needs"

I've met some wonderful men in my life and I've also met some appalling women. But my personal experiences don't change the fact that the vast majority of violent acts/crimes- rapes, murders, sexual harassment, you name it- are committed by men.

We don't need to hear about NAMALT, or why it's not true because Denise's husband is lovely and always does the dishes.

We - men and women - need to name the problem, call a spade a spade, and work out what has gone wrong and what can be done to improve it for the next generation

ReanimatedSGB · 22/02/2018 17:10

It's fine to dislike men-as-a-class. Men-as-a-class set up a world which was designed to allow men to exploit women (for breeding purposes and domestic service.) They invented gods in order to convince women that women are inferior and need to be owned and controlled by men.

Individual men can be nice, nasty, stupid, generous, funny, hateful... just like individual women. But if you want to keep men out of your life as much as possible, that's up to you.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2018 17:11

I don't "hate" all men.

As a class though, I don't trust them. I think that, if you scratch the surface, many thousands of years of conditioning is still there.

Given the opportunity as a class men would still be dragging women by their hair back to the cave. The ones that still (metaphorically) do that just have a less well developed filter.

Men as a class don't treat us well because they want to and because they think women deserve it. They do it to conform. If society broke down it would take precisely 5 minutes before they were raping and killing us in droves.

Women do not understand how much men hate us (Greer)

Timefortea99 · 22/02/2018 17:16

Not read all of this thread - but read the thread called A Man Just Shouted At Me in the Street in AIBU. That will make you want to avoid men like the plague.