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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Annoyed at unexpected vagina poke.

264 replies

BathFallout · 21/02/2018 17:08

I was in the bath with DP, nothing sexy just washing and about to watch a programme on the tablet.

As I was finding the episode DP unexpectedly poked my vagina, in surprise I aggressively splashed her in the face with water to make her back off and was annoyed at her. I told her it shocked me (as wasn't even looking in her direction so no warning) and said she had to apologise to me. I said it could be considered assault nd she replied with "Oh, Bath..." and a withering look.

She has refused to apologise, and is now in a strop as I was "horrible" to her.

AIBU to wait for an apology over this?

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 21:12

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Badhairday1001 · 21/02/2018 21:13

I wouldn't be impressed either op and would expect an apology.

juneybean · 21/02/2018 21:20

It's just about boundaries really. And your dp should respect that.

Must be a lesbian thing to share a bath. We definitely do it here and not in a romantic way!!

ethelfleda · 21/02/2018 21:38

OP, I read the first few comments and was appalled by the double standards!! As you quite rightly say, people would react very differently if it was a heterosexual couple! I have thought mn to be such a progressive place in the past and then I read comments on a post like this and I think maybe not!

NotASingleFuckToGive · 21/02/2018 21:51

I'm so over the unnecessary corrections from people saying 'did you mean vulva?' It's not being helpful (as well you know), it's being a know it all.

Afucking MEN

MinervaJMcGonagall · 21/02/2018 21:51

@bluedoglead Your post about touching your husband's cock is far more sexual than the OP's post.

Lesbian's aren't responsible for the fact that men turn us into a sexual fantasy.

OP was posting about her life not a male sexual fantasy. She's not responsible for how other people read it.

Inbedbyeight · 21/02/2018 21:56

I’ve been looking at this forum for a few months now but never posted, it was great to see some thought provoking debates, however I’m so shocked by how the op has been treated it’s put me off a little, I did think mumsnet was above bullying Confused

Stuzrst · 21/02/2018 22:14

Bath sorry your thread went this way, yanbu dh and I share baths in a non sexual way just to relax together and I’d be AngryHmm if he suddenly poked me like that out of nowhere, as others have said it’s about boundaries and expectations of the moment.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 22:19

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Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 22:23

And I’ve reportedthe op name change fail twice and it hasn’t been amended.

paxillin · 21/02/2018 22:33

How many contemptuous little gestures are you going to take from your DP? Is she generally very loving and has your best interest at heart? Her MN persona would suggest not. Think about getting out Flowers.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 21/02/2018 22:41

It is funny how all these shocked and disgusted people just tend to pile in once they see the lay of the land!!!

It is so obvious that they wait and see which way the wind is blowing!! GrinWink

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 21/02/2018 22:44

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HappenedForAReisling · 21/02/2018 22:48

I would never want to be touched intimately without knowing it as about to happen.

This.

Much though DH loves to be groped at any time he is fully aware that I do not feel the same and is grown up enough and decent enough to respect that.
Just because some women are happy to be touched, groped, poked or prodded intimately doesn't mean all women should feel the same way, and I'm pretty appalled that people here seem to think they should.

lougle · 21/02/2018 23:13

Can I respond, as a heterosexual, married to the one and only man I ever had a serious relationship with? (Just for context, not to set me apart in any way! But more appreciating that while I've been married almost 16 years, I'm not going to have a wide perspective on male behaviour).

I think your thread title was gave a slight steer to the thread. When I read 'poke', I thought similar to 'prod', so I instantly thought you were actually referring to your vulva (outside) rather than vagina (inside). It also wasn't clear at first whether it was deliberate or an accident. I was thinking that baths are cramped and limbs are all over the place, I could see how easy it could be to poke someone accidentally if they were leaning out of the bath. (Clearly that turned out not to be the case, but initially it seemed that way).

The next thing is that in a romantic situation, foreplay doesn't start with insertion of a finger in the vagina. It just doesn't. So it didn't cross my mind as something that would have been deliberate, without you being in some way participating. It's frankly.... strange... behaviour. So I think that is why people just didn't pick up that this is what happened.

Thirdly, as you've discovered, lots of people bathe together when they want to be romantic, so they have assumed an implicit consent. But actually, they shouldn't, because even if you'd put rose petals in the water, you can say no at any time.

Finally a poster said it's no different to being patted on the bum. Hmmm....I disagree hugely!

saladdays66 · 21/02/2018 23:18

How can you lie back to wash hair when there is another adult in the bath??

WinonaIsHot · 21/02/2018 23:20

*It is funny how all these shocked and disgusted people just tend to pile in once they see the lay of the land!!!

It is so obvious that they wait and see which way the wind is blowing!*

Ha! Completely agree.

WildWindsBlowing · 21/02/2018 23:26

foreplay doesn't start with insertion of a finger in the vagina. It just doesn't
Clumsily and thoughtlessly it can, and sometimes does for some people, truly.

newcarsmell · 21/02/2018 23:28

This thread is fucked up. Of course no one should be poking you in the vagina.

Has no ever heard of water proof tablets or covers before? Christ.

DameGlitterSparkles · 21/02/2018 23:32

😂😂😂😂😂

Andromeida29 · 22/02/2018 01:12

Hi OP. So sorry that you've experienced this. Of course your partner was in the wrong. No one should be treated like that.
I've been shocked by the number of negative posts on here. I bathe with my partner all the time in a non-sexual way. It's a nice way to relax.

PilatesSuck · 22/02/2018 08:21

Id be pissed off if someone poked me in the vagina. Either they are shit and heavy handed at foreplay, or making a jarring point jabbing at a vulnerable area. Im glad your oh apologised OP, did she explain why she poked you? Her justification? Or was it a heartfelt, sorry i did that.

TotHappy · 22/02/2018 08:53

Agree it CAN be clumsy foreplay. And i don't think you need to ask for permission before initiating foreplay. Sometimes the first move is the question.

tygr · 22/02/2018 09:10

YANBU. Digital penetration without consent can be assault. If this had been a make partner I think the replies would have been very different.

It's a very strange thing for her to do and I wouldn't have been impressed if either a male or female partner did this to me. It's your body and you get to choose what happens to it.

tygr · 22/02/2018 09:10

*male