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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed at unexpected vagina poke.

264 replies

BathFallout · 21/02/2018 17:08

I was in the bath with DP, nothing sexy just washing and about to watch a programme on the tablet.

As I was finding the episode DP unexpectedly poked my vagina, in surprise I aggressively splashed her in the face with water to make her back off and was annoyed at her. I told her it shocked me (as wasn't even looking in her direction so no warning) and said she had to apologise to me. I said it could be considered assault nd she replied with "Oh, Bath..." and a withering look.

She has refused to apologise, and is now in a strop as I was "horrible" to her.

AIBU to wait for an apology over this?

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 21/02/2018 18:44

I'm not sure why you're getting a hard time here Hmm

Was your partner perhaps just trying to initiate something but went about it in the wrong way? I don't think you were wrong to get a shock, but I wouldn't have called it assault and I definitely wouldn't hold it against her. At least she'll know not to do it again!

I've had non sexy baths with my DH. We used to sit and have a few drinks and a cuddle and watch something on the tablet. Then we moved and have since discovered our new bath is not as big as the old one and we don't fit comfortably without poking each others bits!

HotCrossBunFight · 21/02/2018 18:45

Can you not see that curling up and touching your partner lovingly is far different to poking someone unexpectedly. A poke is not foreplay.

Perendinate · 21/02/2018 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 21/02/2018 18:45

I would never want to be touched intimately without knowing it as about to happen. Being in a relationship with a person is no excuse to unexpectedly touch them intimately, unless it is a discussion you have had and they have given express permission. It's like waking a person up with sex or a sex act. If you have discussed it, and your partner is ok with you doing this, fair enough, but you don't just assume it is ok, or at least i hope people don't!

Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesnt mean you have 24/7 permission to touch them sexually, regardless how many times you've done so. It also doesn't mean you can't "assault" them if you touch them without permission. So yes, technically OP she DID assault you, and i can totally understand you using that word to shock her into realising what she did wasn't okay if she wasn't immediately apologetic for doing it when you made it clear it wasn't ok.

I hope her apology was sincere

iklboo · 21/02/2018 18:46

Even if the OP & her DP were in the bath for 'sexy times' (why does everyone sound like Borat when they type that) just randomly shoving your finger into your partner's fundamentals totally out of the blue & with no warning is not sexy or foreplay.

Perendinate · 21/02/2018 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoraMilaje · 21/02/2018 18:48

Horrific horrific horrific responses here. And this is Mumsnet, two weeks ago there was a thread here with the majority members proudly proclaiming feminism.
Disgraceful.

FoxyRoxy · 21/02/2018 18:53

op I cannot believe the hard time you've been given on this thread! No it's not ok to just suddenly penetrate you when there was no hint of anything sexual beforehand, and I would be livid if my dh did that to me. Ywnbu and I'm glad she apologized but maybe have a chat about it tomorrow (when you've not got a friend round and haven't had a drink) as you might need to be clearer on boundaries with each other. Nothing wrong with having a bath together or watching a programme on your tablet in the bath, I don't know what's wrong with people Confused

PassiveAggressivePamela · 21/02/2018 18:54

Reading some of these responses is depressing, I honestly don’t understand why people didn’t believe you!

WeirdAndPissedOff · 21/02/2018 18:55

So OP is penalised and unable to ask for serious relationship advice because her relationship is a common male fetish? The OP in no way asked for titillating stories, or insinuated that she wanted sexual stories or experiences.

I don't believe OP was BU, and whether she overreacted depends on what's normal for her and her DP, and so much more.
So other posters don't share baths unless expecting sexual contact, or like to be able have a grope of their DP here and there - that's fine, but it seems that's not the norm for OP. Does that mean she still has no right to object?

Different relationships have different norms and boundaries, and you set those up (whether officially or unspoken) over time.

Original poster
BathFallout · 21/02/2018 18:57

I'll reiterate that I don't feel responsible that a mundane activity in my life is used as sexy tittilation by men. This is something that they are doing wrong, I'm not the one to blame. I can talk about my life and ask for support, can't I?

You simply don't have to reply, even with a 1% chance that it's real there's a 1% chance you'll alienate somebody. Just don't post. Easy.

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 21/02/2018 18:58

Bluedoglead no that is not what this thread is implying and if you are capable of basic reading and comprehension you should be able to work that out easily.

coconutlimesmoosh · 21/02/2018 18:59

If this was a husband touching her vagina without consent you’d all be going mad

are you on glue? man touches wife in bath....shock horror. NOT.

It's only in MN land that a spouse needs signed consent notarised and filed or its assault if they so much as look at you funny.

RadioGaGoo · 21/02/2018 19:03

Bluedoglead. What tosh.

steff13 · 21/02/2018 19:03

YANBU to not want to be touched sexually. I don't know if this rose to the level of assault, though.

YABVVVVVU to use someone else's sweaty disgusting bathwater.

Perendinate · 21/02/2018 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/02/2018 19:06

Fucking hell some of you need to grow up no wonder people get away with this sort of thing.

It is never ok to insert your fingers or anything else into another woman’s vagina without her consent

Original poster
BathFallout · 21/02/2018 19:07

Thank you @WeirdAndPissedOff. I really appreciate your post.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 21/02/2018 19:09

I think I'd have reacted like you did, out of nowhere it sounds really infuriating and childish.

Butterball17 · 21/02/2018 19:10

Absolutely appalling comments on this thread... truly vile. I’m glad the thread has mellowed out now however but it felt like bullying at the start and despite people stating their comments werent homophobic.... they certainly came across that way...
I also agree that the post would have taken a completely different turn if this was a man touching a woman without permission even if she was his wife/partner!
I have been a member of mumsnet for over 10 years ( have namechanged often) and feel like lately some posters jump on the bandwagon depending on the tone of the first few responses.

Aridane · 21/02/2018 19:17

Have reported the numerous individual troll hunting posts. Hopefully the first half of this thread will be deleted.

Why can’t posters just use the report function (or fuck off to the Reddit Mumsnet troll hunting thread)?

RedDogsBeg · 21/02/2018 19:21

coconutlimesmoosh dial down the faux outrage, over the top hyperbole and stop posting risible nonsense. If you don't possess the capacity to read and comprehend correctly it's best not to make yourself look foolish.

jainaproudm · 21/02/2018 19:24

Jesus you got some shitty responses! I don't think your annoyance was unreasonable, and, assuming she doesn't usually have issues respecting your bodily autonomy then I would say that it was probably a misjudged playful thing or a clumsy attempt at foreplay (which is what I'd think regardless of gender) accepting her apology puts it to bed. I'd also be inclined to believe that her reaction to you was one of guilt - but you know her best and will be able to judge if she is actually just a bit of a knob.

And I'm really surprised how many people are shocked at the idea of a non sexual bath? DP and I shower together often, it's intimate without being sexual and he washes my hair for me :)

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 19:24

Hopefully the first half of this thread will be deleted

Including the warnings about oversharing on a public forum which is regularly used as fodder for tabloids?

That is common sense advice and regularly given out by HQ. Unless there has been a very recent change in policy.

pollythedolly · 21/02/2018 19:30

What on earth is happening here?

YANBU OP.

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