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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Annoyed at unexpected vagina poke.

264 replies

BathFallout · 21/02/2018 17:08

I was in the bath with DP, nothing sexy just washing and about to watch a programme on the tablet.

As I was finding the episode DP unexpectedly poked my vagina, in surprise I aggressively splashed her in the face with water to make her back off and was annoyed at her. I told her it shocked me (as wasn't even looking in her direction so no warning) and said she had to apologise to me. I said it could be considered assault nd she replied with "Oh, Bath..." and a withering look.

She has refused to apologise, and is now in a strop as I was "horrible" to her.

AIBU to wait for an apology over this?

OP posts:
Linning · 21/02/2018 19:32

Really shocked at the vile answers you've received OP.

I too think answers would have been different if you were in a straight relationship, unless the women who seem okay with what happened in your situation would be equally okay with a man penetrating another woman without her consent (which usually isn't the case on here!).

I would be extremely annoyed if my partner (woman or man) would randomly shove a finger up my vagina without previous warning, there are better ways to initiate sex and I think from the moment you made it clear that she had made you uncomfortable and over-stepped your boundaries she should have apologized.

Glad she eventually realized that and apologized and sorry you had a tough time posting here!

Original poster
BathFallout · 21/02/2018 20:01

@Jainaproudm I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It wasn't foreplay but just a clumsy , misjudged tease. I think she felt guilty and embarrassed and so tried to make my splash the 'worst' thing.

She pulled herself together, it's done.

OP posts:
SilenceIsBroken · 21/02/2018 20:15

"Including the warnings about oversharing on a public forum which is regularly used as fodder for tabloids?"

The OP was hardly over sharing. There were no salacious details.

RedDogsBeg · 21/02/2018 20:19

OP I think you have had a fair few name change fails in this thread, perhaps ask MNHQ to rectify them?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 20:19

The OP was hardly over sharing. There were no salacious details.

The warnings (or at least mine, can't speak for others) were to follow on posters.

Posts like this regularly generate a lot of very personal information posts - its far too public and publicised a site to do that without risk.

UpstartCrow · 21/02/2018 20:21

BathFallout Yanbu, no one wants their genital groped or grabbed, and I think there are some really spiteful posts on this thread Flowers

beepthemeep · 21/02/2018 20:24

The name change feature doesn't help here either as an AS shows nothing and therefore it's easier to draw conclusions. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have new posters marked with a little L or something to distinguish from established posters who've namechanged?

KingLooieCatz · 21/02/2018 20:27

DH does not need specific consent for every incidence of physical contact but if he stuck his finger up my vagina while we were watching telly I'd be considering my options. I don't see why it makes any difference if you're both women and the post didn't read to me as titillating.

Also hope the apology is genuine and this was an isolated and totally out of character incident.

If you ever return to Mumsnet looking for support or advice, I'd give AIBU a swerve and try relationships.

WhingyNinja · 21/02/2018 20:34

This has been a real eye opener of a thread, Bath.

I'm appalled at some of the responses you've received, completely unnecessary and downright rude. What is wrong with some of you!? One person troll hunted and others happily jumped in with more vile comments.

YANBU, obviously. Unwanted touching is unwanted touching.

peggy2467 · 21/02/2018 20:37

@BathFallout
Jeez, I really can't believe people are treating you this way!
So many snide, rude and sarcastic comments.
If this was a thread about a heterosexual couple the responses would be entirely different.
I'm sorry what your partner did upset you, I can understand where you're coming from and I imagine it made you feel uncomfortable/took you by surprise. I hope things have been sorted out ❤️

SM2132 · 21/02/2018 20:39

I think your partner was completely in the wrong. If it was meant in jest, once she saw you were upset/angry, she should have apologised! Does she normally treat you with respect?

OutyMcOutface · 21/02/2018 20:40

If my husband had seriously/semi seriously accused me of assault I would also get annoyed.

Aridane · 21/02/2018 20:40

beep - I guess the problem with that is it will excite posters like C8H to even greater troll hunting ... After all, every one at one point was a new poster. A signifier by a new poster will be like a red rag to the troll hunting bulls

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 20:42

Op. You’ve had name change fail. I’ve reported to ask hq to amend.

Ljlsmum · 21/02/2018 20:42

I can’t believe the responses the OP has had here. I’d be bloody mad if my dh poked my in the vagina. I knew you meant vagina as well. Everyone assumed it was a foot to the vulva but that’s not how I read it. Someone just suddenly sticking a finger in the vagina is nasty and rude. Doesn’t matter if you’re naked and in the bath or the bed. No warning and no instigation is just plain wrong.

Also why can a couple of either sex or persuasion not bath together and relax? I used to share a bath before dc came along to relax, have a drink and chat on an evening with candles and the big light off. There was no sex in the bath, it was just relaxing.

beepthemeep · 21/02/2018 20:43

Good point, Aridane

IlikemyTeahot · 21/02/2018 20:44

Your DP was in the wrong...TBH i can get through the while thread, so dont know if you managed to get any decent replies. God forbid you came on here and said your Dear male partner poked you in th veg...mumsnet would be up in arms. Cries of LTB and all that jazz. Maybe she thought she was only being playful but that doesnt make it ok if your not happy with it. Tell her to be more respectful of your personal boundaries...my DP thought he was funny doing that to me whenever he felt like it so one day I swiftly grabbed him by the balls and asked if I was crossing the line...Think I got the point across.

flightchecker · 21/02/2018 20:51

Wtf is going on in this thread? Shock

Op, I don't think yabu at all. It's invasive - literally. I wouldn't appreciate this from my Dp unless it was a clear pre cursor to something else.

I don't like having my boobs or bum groped unexpectedly either - it triggers a defensive response even though Dp and I are generally tactile and I've got no reason to think he would ever try to harm me.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 21/02/2018 20:53

OP if you want an honest view from MN, come back another day and post about your male DP doing this to you.
At the very least ‘he’ would be called out on the withering look after you explained this could be assault where consent isn’t given.

One poster even says that women wouldn’t assault!! And another comparing this to sticking a finger up someones nose. Shocking.

There are namechangers that post about sexual contact (unwanted or not) from their male dp and I have yet to see reactions like this.

JustVent · 21/02/2018 20:53

You were not over reacting in the slightest. I’d have hated my DH randomly poking me in a very sensitive area, unexpectedly.
That’s absolutely not ok.

C0untDucku1a · 21/02/2018 20:53

I honestly dont understand why the thread went the way it did.

Of course yanbu. Of course your dp was being a Nob and absolutely unreasonable. No excuse for her doing that to you at all.

I would most likely have lashed out in anger at being intimately touched without invitation or warning.

What’s she like normally?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 21:00

Aridane

A) Warnings against oversharing on this site != troll hunting. I do it regularly, especially in AIBU. As do MNHQ but often its too late by then and an entire (mostly useful) thread has to be deleted

B) Read my posts in site stuff - indicators of history for namechangers are something I've suggested more than once.

But perhaps you don't want facts to spoil a good bit of outrage

CandleWithHair · 21/02/2018 21:01

The first half of this thread is a perfect example of the absolute worst elements of MN. All of those accusatory, mocking, latent homophobic posters should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Skittlesss · 21/02/2018 21:06

I've just RTFT and for most of it I thought I had got your OP really wrong judging by the other responses.

If I was in the bath with my partner (and yes some of us do have a bath where two will fit in) watching tv and he suddenly digitally penetrated me out of the blue I would damn well splash him and be mad. You can't just stick a finger up your partner's foof without any sign they want that... What happened to foreplay etc?

And you're right... it could be classed as a sexual assault.

CatchingBabies · 21/02/2018 21:09

Disgusted at the responses here!

It doesn't matter the gender of the couples, where they were or what the situation was. No one has the right to intimately touch anyone else without permission!

Is that really hard to understand?

Do posters feel big and clever making jokes about the bath or sneering at the hygiene implications of sharing bath water? Totally irrelevant and inappropriate when someone has asked for support regarding their right to bodily autonomy!

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