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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed at unexpected vagina poke.

264 replies

BathFallout · 21/02/2018 17:08

I was in the bath with DP, nothing sexy just washing and about to watch a programme on the tablet.

As I was finding the episode DP unexpectedly poked my vagina, in surprise I aggressively splashed her in the face with water to make her back off and was annoyed at her. I told her it shocked me (as wasn't even looking in her direction so no warning) and said she had to apologise to me. I said it could be considered assault nd she replied with "Oh, Bath..." and a withering look.

She has refused to apologise, and is now in a strop as I was "horrible" to her.

AIBU to wait for an apology over this?

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 17:52

I’m glad she apologised though. I think you did slightly over react calling it assault. Just tell her you don’t like that and maybe bathe alone in future.

DixieFlatline · 21/02/2018 17:53

I think it’s fine. You two are partners so it’s no worse than giving you a pat on the arse or sticking a fingers up each other’s noses or ears.

Yeah, I'm sure if I try to stick my finger in my DH's arsehole unexpectedly he'll think it's a right laugh. Hmm

PaperdollCartoon · 21/02/2018 17:54

People are being bloody awful. God MN is a den of bitches sometimes.

OP, I sometimes have baths with my DP in just a nice, non-sexy way, and sometimes I watch stuff in the bath - to PPs, no I’ve never electrocuted myself. I’ve never dropped a book in the bath, why would I drop a phone/iPad?.

I’d be annoyed if my DP did this but would probably just say please don’t do that I don’t like it, and he wouldn’t do it again. I grope him a fair amount though, so I’d be a hypocrite to get too annoyed. I’m glad she’s apologised to you.

BLUESEAPARADISE · 21/02/2018 17:55
Hmm
MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 21/02/2018 17:55

@BathFallout

I don't know if MN can confirm I am a previous poster who has named changed for this post?

Hi all, yes we can confirm that the OP has been on the site for years and we've no reason to think she'd start trolling after all this time.

We've received a fair few reports about this thread - thanks to those who got in touch with us instead of posting your suspicions on the thread (which does count as troll hunting). If you don't want to offer any advice or support, that's fine - please just move on.

Many thanks.

Perendinate · 21/02/2018 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoFucksImAQueen · 21/02/2018 17:58

*Really saddened by the responses here.

Nothing about this post suggested the OP was soliciting other stories, and if it were a man doing the unsolicited poking people would certainly have something to say about it.*

I agree.

Iv thought about your op and i think I'd be really upset if dh said I owed him an apology for touching him. There's been times he's groped me when Iv not been happy to be touched and Iv told him so and that was end of it. Same goes for him with me and he said before he wasn't up for anything etc which again is fine.
How long have you been together? That may change my thoughts.

BishopBrennansArse · 21/02/2018 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chocolatesaveslives · 21/02/2018 17:58

If I was having a bath with my partner I would expect him to touch my vagina and would be hurt if he didn't.... but that's just me and I would only ever have a bath with him if I was looking for sexytime. I don't communically bath for any other reason.

LadyDeadpool · 21/02/2018 18:00

Ahhh so it's okay to troll hunt if it's not a cheeky fucker(tm) story then? I got called a white knight for calling out suspected bullshit yesterday on a cheeky fucker (tm) thread but here it's okay because there's no twatty cheerleaders. Hmm

OP YANBU I get the same way if my (male) partner does something unexpected like grabbing me and he apologises and she should too it'd be fine if you were expecting a little sexy play and there was warm up.

Original poster
BathFallout · 21/02/2018 18:00

Thank you to the posters who have answered in good faith, I accept I may have over reacted in the moment. The assault comment was to try and shock her into taking it seriously really.

I'd like to make a point now, as I've got a new in my bonnet about the way this thread has gone.

We all know lesbian relationships have been fetishised through male dominated media and the male gaze, and id assume given the demographics of mumsnet most people would claim to oppose this. However, you then assume based on the fact we are lesbians (deny it to yourself if you must) that this thread was some kind of smutty story. Despite the fact that outside relevant details i included nothing sexual, no titillating words, it was frankly a skeletal post.

The result of this is that I, as a lesbian woman asking for advice, receive mostly mockery, insults, minimization.

I was particularly shocked at the PP who posted something like 'does she have to submit written permission?'. That is frankly a disgusting comment. I outlined this was not a sexual scenario, I had no reason to expect her to do it and had no chance to reject the move. I believe in bodily autonomy EVEN IF you are in a relationship, EVEN IF you are in a bath, EVEN IF you are both women.

Anybody else in this scenario, even if I felt they over reacted, I would affirm that you have no right to assume access to somebody's body on this way.

OP posts:
Perendinate · 21/02/2018 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluedoglead · 21/02/2018 18:03

I think for me the reason I reacted is that for me, being in the bath with my partner is only something we do when we are in the mood for sex or at least foreplay. And I’d guess that’s how it is for most people.

And I reacted based on my own experience. If we were in the bath I’d positively expect DP to be touching me sexually.

Nothing to do with prejudice against lesbians.

Anyway, I’m sorry I got it wrong and I’m glad you and your DP have it sorted I hope your evening goes well.

beepthemeep · 21/02/2018 18:04

OP - now THAT's a very important and interesting point.

I don't think anyone assumed lesbians want smutty stories - I think the belief was that hairy handers want to hear about lesbians and about vaginas. And of course anyone googling that sort of thing could come across this thread and read what people had posted.

Changing the prurient perception of (some) straight men towards lesbians would be something everyone can get behind, surely?

HotCrossBunFight · 21/02/2018 18:04

Sexual touching doesn't usually begin with a pike in the vagina though. It's not exactly a loving embrace

SadSongsAndWaltzes · 21/02/2018 18:04

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time in here op. I'm appalled at some of these responses. Of course your dp shouldn't touch you without some kind of indication you were wanting that. I'd be really upset if that had happened to me, and I would also expect an apology.

Butterymuffin · 21/02/2018 18:06

I'm so over the unnecessary corrections from people saying 'did you mean vulva?' It's not being helpful (as well you know), it's being a know it all.

macbethh · 21/02/2018 18:07

If we were a straight couple would you have such an issue with this factor?

don't try to make this a homophobic issue🙄

Rattymama · 21/02/2018 18:08

This is definitely one of the down sides of being a lesbian on here. No one believes you're real and thinks your just a fantasy troll. I've had this many times.
If it was between a male and female you get answers, same thing with 2 women and you get the Hmm faces.

ibblebibbledibble · 21/02/2018 18:10

This is so strange, why was this thread so unbelievable to so many people? It’s hardly salacious or tittilating.
Fwiw yes I think your DP was wrong, and you deserved an apology if it had upset you.

Also what’s odd about watching a tablet in the bath?? Just put it on a chair/ toilet seat. It’s not rocket science.

This place is odd sometimes.

SciFiFan2015 · 21/02/2018 18:12

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about this rather than on here. Your post above about bodily autonomy would be a good place to start. Hopefully your relationship is the sort where you can have these conversations in a mature way.
If I was in a similar situation I would have been most miffed and would definitely tell my DH this.

I hope the conversation goes well.

Pingu49 · 21/02/2018 18:13

I understand what OP partner did was possibly wrong however where is the line between "it's my body don't touch me" and being in a couple?

Whenever my DH walks past me, he grabs my bum or kisses my neck etc and I do the same to him. I'd be mortified if he flew off the handle and told me not to touch him... (OP this isn't aimed at you, I am talking to the responders who are basically saying you can't touch each other in any way)

RedDogsBeg · 21/02/2018 18:14

Quite right, OP.

Posters who insist that bathing together is solely an invitation to sex and that OP should expect, nay positively require, unexpected intimate touching - well words actually fail me.

amusedbush · 21/02/2018 18:17

Even if we don't share we use each other's water.

Sorry. I have real issues about shared bathwater.

LonginesPrime · 21/02/2018 18:18

OP, I don't think it's on that anyone puts their fingers in your vulva/vagina without warning (or without knowing you're ok with it) regardless of their gender.

I would honestly be surprised if a woman did this to me as I'd expect them to have more of an idea of how violating that kind of thing can be, but obviously not all women are the same and haven't had the same experiences so might not appreciate this.

I think it's unfair of people to tell you to grow up as I would be very upset in your situation. It doesn't matter that it wasn't a penis - the fact she thought it was ok to do something so intimate without your consent would piss me off too.