Left to care for SS - again

[Justcanthebloodysport]

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

Your DH is being a selfish arse. He should put his son first and knock his sport on the head.

I don't see why the mum can't get the one day she needs off. She's doing virtually all the parenting, albeit not that well.

Well done :) I expect as part of a blended family you can plan for the Friday night's- if it's only an hour and a half he's gone it can be fab - movie night like tonight etc. And you can see youre supporting your partner enabling him not to give it up.
I'm really pleased for you. It's such a difficult situation for you to be in.

Sounds like a good plan. I'm really pleased for you.

Dp and I keep our hobbies. By keeping our hobbies we are still us, while we are a couple. Invaluable.

Sorry OP but the more I read the more I think he is a poor father

If someone broke my kids arm I would go to court to get them . If their parent was that depressed I would apply to care for them
. I am not a perfect mother in any way shape of form but your partner seems to have a weak relationship to his responsibility

Sorry this thread has turned into pasting him
But I am really sad that he seems to have accepted such a weak and distant role

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

What good would those replies do? OK, she's a mentally unstable alcoholic with shit for brains. Nothing we can say or do will transform her into a good parent or stop her destructive behaviour. But your DH is (supposed to be) a responsible adult who cares about his son and his wife. So he is the one who has to step up.

Agree that DH should skip the odd week of training but not that he should chuck it all together.

At first I was going to say: Well fine, then why doesn't he just do that? Why can't you tell your DH that in fairness to you and to his DS he needs to skip the weeks of rugby training while your family are visiting?

But then I read about the broken arm and the suicide threats and this:

A child whose mother commits suicide over the child's custody isn't necessarily going to be better off than if he stays with her and she gets support.

and my head exploded.

The ex is not getting real support is she? Because the boy's father has not done anything about the physical abuse of his son or the suicide threats. He hasn't gone for full custody or involved social services, so how would the support services have any idea all this horror is going on? Most of the time the boy is just being left alone with his mother in her unstable mental state and with her violent sex partners and drinking companions.

OP, what a wet lettuce your husband is. "Needs to blow of steam" ffs. What he needs is to man up. Not leave it to his 10yo son to care alone for his mentally unstable alcoholic mother. And not leave it to you to care for the son while the father goes off and plays games like a little boy.

You and your DH really seem to be in some kind of denial and minimising how shocking this situation is. This isn't something he can paper over with money and private schools and deposits. Or even that your good intentions can paper over by helping his mum out. It's way beyond that. Your DH hasn't reported, hasn't taken steps to remove his son, is complicit in all the horrible physical and emotional damage that must be happening to him while he lives with his mother. Tell your husband to wake up!

Ahem. I will now calm down and scrape the bits of my brain off the walls.

Yes there's lots social services could do to help her pare nt and lots of alcohol agencies she could be put in touch with . And DSS could access young carers.

That poor boy.

Because the boy's father has not done anything about the physical abuse of his son or the suicide threats. He hasn't gone for full custody or involved social services, so how would the support services have any idea all this horror is going on? Most of the time the boy is just being left alone with his mother in her unstable mental state and with her violent sex partners and drinking companions.

TheOP has said the father did go for full custody when the broken arm happened, but didn't follow all the way through because of the suicide threats. So he has acted on both those issues to try and benefit his son. The violent partner is an ex. (and by the sounds of it, in another country) so there's no reason to think the son is in danger from him anymore. The father has offered (asked even) to spend more time with his son. So he has already offered support and we have no idea what other support she is receiving (and the DH probably doesn't have a right to know). It's one thing to posit possibilities that the OP might not have thought of, but jumping to conclusions about it and slamming the OP's family for a made-up scenario is pretty ridiculous.

The more you post the worse it all sounds.

SS was assaulted by mothers partner. His Father decided to not go for custody as the child’s mother was threatening suicide.

So this poor child has been left to deal with an awful unstable (?) mother and her shit life choices.

Meanwhile over at casa del OP your main concern and that of your partner is your partners rugby.

Poor kid.
I hope there is eventually someone who prioritises him and his needs.

And Boom if my child was with someone unstable I would damn well have every right to know what support is in place and how it would affect my child.

I wish I knew these people in real life as I’d be reporting to social services.

Fish you might have every desire to know, but you wouldn't have every right. People have a right to privacy over a whole host of matters even if they are still married to their spouses and live with them, but especially if they are divorced.

You sound like a good person op.

OP I agree with your points in the update at 2140. Just wondering if it may be worth your DH revisiting the full custody option? SS life with his mum sounds awful, it must be really hard on him.

@Just. The various opinions must be food for thought on how to go on in the future. Outside views often highlight what we take as the usual norm, when in fact, there is another normal to move towards.

SS everyday life needs to be addressed. You and DH need to be willing and on the same page about any changes that are orchestrated. But his young man needs to feel valued and cherished and safe, and from what you have written I am not convinced he feels thus.

I truly hope this thread empowers both you and your DH to step up to the challenges likely furnished due to the mum and her issues.

Glad you have it straight in your head OP. Maybe change your username to reflect it.

Not really sure why you started the thread though 🤔

. We aren't at fault here, I was wrong for being annoyed at DH - it's his passion

Ahead of his son?

For all the posters calling my DH wet for not 'stepping up' when the abuse happened. As I am sure many of you can understand, it was a complex issue which was 7 years ago. They were in another country, it was initially disguised as an accident. DH flew to see SS, when more was discovered helped them flee a dangerous situation. We went for custody after that, however it proved to hard for everyone - SS mainly. She was stable for many years tho recently - for many reasons her health is suffering again. Part of the reason we push back on weekend access is not to enable her to booze excessively or pick up men. However it would appear regardless of what we do DH will always be 'an excuse of a man' for not assisting his ex (which was a ons, for context), stepping up and gaining full custody of SS, (which we have tried and currently SS is very protective of mum and doesn't want to leave) but hey ho, he's still a man child apparently......

OP if you actually read what j said I didn't say your DH was responsible for the broken arm. I said that if something else happened now, he would be equally responsible for that because he hasn't taken his son out of harms way in fact he has knowingly left him there.

You can leap to your DH's defence now but I stand by what I said.

@Amatree - cross post ... would appreciate your thoughts now. What else would you have done ?

OP, your stepsin is very lucky to have you in his life.

You really shouldn't be pushing back on weekend access as it's time for your husband to nurture his son regardless of what ex is doing.

And ultimately if she has them mon-fri he ought to be having hiss son at the weekends. Again, regardless of what she is doing but because he his his son.

And in light of what she is his doing then he really ought to have the son weekends as that can become a safe space and fun normal family time (only it can't because he's got the sort of dad to "push back on access to spite ex, instead of want it to spend time with son.)

If his son could be at school mon- Fri and have good weekends to look forward to life could be very different for him. You could still him in sport or do sporty things as a family. Walks etc. Whatever the kid wants that fits with you.

Does the boy want to spend time with his dad??? It would be sad if his dad wasn't considered the better option than the alcoholic mother.

2 days a week to full custody is a huge leap. I'd go for long weekends and if she is a danger to the boy Again, alert ss.

It's complex because your dss is probably taking on a carers role with his dm. He may well carry the burden of her mental health and think if he leaves to live with his df then she'll get sick or hurt herself. She has told you that she'd do that and she may have told him similar or he's over heard it out he feels this intuitively.

If you are uk based in would seek help with social services to intervene with his home life. They can assess his safety with his dm and partners. He probably needs mental health support as a result of the trauma of being seriously assaulted.

I think that your dp is still underreacting to the situation. There are more options than just custody. For example, using the Hague convention you can stop a parent taking a child to another country. Of course she doesn't want to lose her son but if she is mentally unwell and he is suffering mentally there needs to be an open discussion. You can liase with his school to find out how he's presenting on a daily basis. Has he had breakfast? Is he dressed well? How does he cope with lessons and homework?

There is lots more your dp needs to be doing that doesn't mean it has to be custody. However I would say that it may eventually end up going that way but social services need to investigate his situation.

What Stick said.

SS may well not want to leave his Mum. But he's a young child and not equipped to make the best decisions for his own welfare. At the moment pushing back on weekend access is being used to try and stop the Ex from going out drinking and picking up blokes, whereas the priority here should be what's best for your DSS. It's completely unfair and inappropriate for him to be being used as a tool to try and curb his Mum's behaviour and poor choices.

Just to add I think you are focusing on Friday night but actually you all need to talk about his daily life and what is going on in a supportive way that doesn't necessarily mean telling him he is coming to live with you if you see what I mean. There is quite a lot agencies can do to support at home.

OP from my understanding the boy at the time of the broken arm was three. That's a toddler. In your husbands position, I would have reported to every authority that would listen and would keep the child at my home while pursuing the full custody through the courts. I would not have withdrawn that claim because the mother threatened suicide. I would themm have spent the last seven years being a full time parent, and hopefully a more balanced, safe and secure child would have been the result.

I'm not saying you're not in a grad position and you personally sound like you have the child's interests at heart. You obviously love your husband too and want to defend him. I'm just really struggling with the concept of a parent who leaves there toddler on an environment where they came off with a broken limb and I really can't get past that.

*hard position