Left to care for SS - again

[Justcanthebloodysport]

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

Well yes of course he fucking should!!! He has a (bordering on alcoholic) mother who will allow a boyfriend to break her sons arm and is unstable!!!

Poor bloody kid.

This IS all down to your husband. You are making excuse after excuse and even you are putting your husbands rugby before the needs of his son.

His son is at an impressionable age and what is happening in his life, makes him vulnerable.

If your 'd'h can't or won't see that, then I think he may have been hit in the head one to many times by his precious rugby ball.

@StickStickStickStick he wants more access she won't allow it please ttft. He more than steps up. Pays private education, deposit on home etc etc Yes he's a bit of a dick for playing rugby. But he does a lot.

So what is your issue Just?

@DannyLaRuesBestFrock ... Agree that DH should skip the odd week of training but not that he should chuck it all together. Annoyed that his ex dictates weekend help if and when she needs it rather than through the week. DH never agreed to every Friday - his ex demands it. Don't like the fact that he's being called a dead beat dad .... which is far from true.

I don't think anyone is saying deadbeat. Just that he has got his priorities wrong.

He must know his sons mum is a bit off the rails at the moment. Surely he should be creating a stable homelife for his son in the childs second home and not leaving you to deal with it. You said his son is clingy. Can you not see why? Even your username suggests you think your husband should take a break for at least a while.

OP is it difficult for you to sit down with your OH and talk to him about this - your SS is just 10, in private education paid for by OH maybe, but has (a) been emotionally abused by his mother and physically at least by one of her partners and (b) may be clingy to you because you seem to be the one part of his life that is constant and seems to care.

I agree with PPs that say his X needs help and that the contract between her and your OH needs to be renegotiated. You can't let her impose her apparent need for a Friday night indefinitely on you, her X or her boy. She can't threaten suicide if you were to give their son a more stable life, surely, without needing intervention. And your SS probably also needs help.

If it comes down to it, can you have a talk and postpone Fridays for as long as you have family around? You do need to make sure it's not indefinite and could possibly discuss Fridays out of rugby season.

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

Well, you don't have any control over what SS's mum does, do you? While hopefully you've got some say into what your husband does.

He wants his son more but won't look after him more. You'll do it.

He's not a deadbeat dad. I can't believe people are saying that. I also wouldn't think he should give up rugby every Friday but I think OP that you shouldn't always the person who misses out on what you want to do so if there is something then the mother or your DH needs to change their plans. Why don't you tell the mother that you can't have SS the particular night your family are around? She can give up a night or drinking or dating or whatever she does.

Why don't you tell the mother that you can't have SS

Why doesn't the child's father tell his ex he has got rugby, so it's not possible?

Yes, it's definitely down to his dad. I still think the ex has fixed on the Friday night issue specifically to be difficult. He needs to tell her that Friday is and always has been off the table. Trouble is it's a weak argument as OP has been covering it.

How old is this lad? You say he's self sufficient, so not tiny

The Dad's rugby is high level and actually, it's important for the lad to fit in with normal life. It's a far more positive thing for him to see a parent doing than going out on the piss

OP, you say you have family visiting, why can't you see them on other nights? and if they are visiting for more than a week or two, why the bother about every friday? If you have plans for a specific week then you will need a sitter potentially, or you arrange to go our early and then back early so DH can cover most of the time.

I don't understand why you are so resentful?

IF he really does want custody, being funny about a regular day every week is daft!

By the sounds of it his dad should have him 100% of the time and no way should DSS go back to the mother when she's struggling. Dad needs to take her to court for full custody - even if only temporary.

Where are SS in all this?

Telling that the usual acronym for Step Son is DSS. You have not used the DEAR.

'Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)'

The unsuitable boyfriend who injured a child is a given.

In regards to the Mum going out partying I'm not sure you can complain about that when you have the ds 4-6 days out of 31 based on what you have said and she has ds the other 25-27 days.
What she does on those weekends is not your concern as long as the boy isn't with her.

If the boy is at risk while with her your husband should absolutely have pushed and pushed for custody.

The mum is an alcoholic who allowed a boyfriend to break her son's arm. Of course it now comes down to your dh to step in because he is the only parent this child has, to ptotect him. The mother is clearly unfit so the father has to step up. It's not enough to pay school fees and see him eow, in this situation.
It's not about always blaming the man - I absolutely blame a woman who neglects her child, but fact is it has to be your dh who steps in now.

PPs have focused on you, because there isn't a lot you can do about the ex. But you can influence your DH to step up more than he has so far. It sounds like he shouldn't have backed off going for full custody previously.

Op been a good parent means stepping up, it means putting your child first and making sure they're well cared for and not subject to physical or emotional abuse. It doesn't matter that your dp is better than his ex, her threats don't matter what she wants doesn't matter what matters is your ss been someone's priority and safe.
Your dp maybe a good parent but he's not doing his best for his child.
This isn't a pissing competition your dp doesn't get any points for been a better parent than his ex, he's still failing his child too.

If I had a penny for every thread on MN where both the parents are happy to dump their DC onto the stepmum/Dad’s GF/convenient free childcare provider.

Wtf do these people do when there isn’t a step parent/partner to dump them onto, tether them onto the railings outside the local offy?

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

The Ex is struggling with MH problems, excessive drinking and was previously involved with someone who broke your SS's arm. So yes, there are more people saying that your DH needs to quit rugby and step up for his son - because his Mother is clearly not making good decisions about her son's welfare. Mental health and alcohol problems aren't as quickly and easily solved in the way that your DH can address his ability to be present on a Friday night, by making a phone call and resigning from the rugby team.

At the end of the day there is a young and vulnerable child here, who NEEDS support and is currently being let down by both his Mother and his Father. Yes your DH may well be stepping up financially - but it really does say something when the only person who is actually stopping to think about this child's emotional welfare is you! Yes it's unfair that she wants to abrogate her responsibility every Friday and go off and get pissed, but why isn't your DH concerned about making sure he's spending time with his son - who is witness to all of this, the fact that Mum doesn't want him and Dad sees him as an inconvenience to his Friday night hobby - rather than trying to palm him off on you?

I feel incredibly sorry for the boy. He's been physically attacked in his Mum's home - somewhere where he should be safe. And his Dad can't be bothered to prioritise spending time with his child, who has been through something that no child should ever have to go through, because he's too busy chasing a ball around a field.

In your shoes I would be seriously questioning being with a man that can stand there knowing his child was physically abused and still not want to make him a priority. Who appears to think that doing a bank transfer or writing a cheque is adequate compensation for actually having to provide emotional support and protection.

I wouldn’t post here as a step mum.

You will be told to rearrange your whole life for your step child, you are abusing him, blah blah.

Even MNHQ told me it’s not the best idea to post in AIBU as a step parent.

Oh come on now MrsMaxwell. Have you actually rtft?

Nobody at all is bashing the OP. In fact she has stepped up where the bio parents have let the poor child down.

I think the advice overwhelmingly, is that her husband needs to get his priorities straight and put HIS child first, instead of leaving it to the OP.

I agree with a PP that just being slightly less crap than the other parent doesnt make you a good parent, and in this instance your DH isnt being a good parent. "DH doesn't want to change current arrangements, eow and wants additional through the week." Being a good parent is about putting your own wants second to your childs needs, and he isnt doing that. You'll probably find that mum doesnt want to give up custody for financial reasons as she will lose tax credits etc as she clearly isnt bothered about his emotional needs. He has two crap parents.

Sorry, but there it is.

As I said before, is very telling that the only "parent" who is concerned about his childs welfare is someone who isnt in fact a bio parent to the boy.

Clearly you haven't bothered to read the thread, MrsM, because nobody's said anything like that. About half think Dad should give up rugby to accommodate what I see as the ex's manipulative insistence on Friday night access. Almost all see the ex's parenting as a safeguarding issue and are concerned about that. Nothing about OP rearranging her life at all.

The OP has stated that her DH plays rugby at a high level - lots of PPs saying he must give it up - it’s not realistic is it?

Well, no it isn't realistic because he values it above his childs' welfare.

We have absolutely no idea at what level he plays rugby or whether he values it over his son's welfare. A lot of bollocks is being assumed here. The ideal solution would be to involve the son in the rugby. We don't know whether or not that's been tried.