Left to care for SS - again

[Justcanthebloodysport]

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

It's pretty obvious to me that the reason it has to be Fridays is because the ex knows it's rugby night and, by insisting on it, she's causing the maximum inconvenience. My stepchildren's mother did this kind of shit all the time, I recognise the fingerprints.

Must admit that did cross my mind. Before we got full residency, DSC 'D'M used to do this sort of thing.

YANBU. Your h needs to give up the rugby or sort another day out with his ex. Fuck his 'your time to bond' excuse. He's fobbing you off so he can play rugby. Tell him no clearly.

@TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally agree this is a bit of a DH problem ... but don't think the ex is blameless tbh

I'm not a StepMum or a sports player but

The Ex (DSS Mum) sounds like a fecking selfish cow who is manipulating the OP and her DP to allow her to go out on the tiles/drink/
but is inflexible and manipulative when OP/DP try to arrange other access for DSS

High level sport needs input and anyone who has ferried their DC to sports clubs and matches knows the time involved. So if DP plays High Level, then good on him ! If he is flakey with training , the whole team suffers.

A 10yo boy would most likely relish the quiet - I'm guessing he has his room at your house. Bring his XBox or gadget , few hours downtime.
He probably helps his Mum far more than a 10yo should do if she has the problems outlined.

Okay fair enough about the sitter but what about grandparents/aunts/uncles then?

Also, Your DSS was physically assaulted. Abused. What the fuck is your DH playing at? He should have contacted children’s services and the bloody police about this. I assume he doesn’t want full custody then, as if it were me I would have taken my child away and not listened to his mother’s dramatic statements.

He needs to step up and you need to not be so accommodating as they are both clearly taking the piss.

I agree that you need to be firm about boundaries, your DSS has 2 parents and it's not fair on you to have to miss out on your own time with your family. If it's not convenient for you, then your DH and his ex need to take responsibility for him. He either stays with his mum or his dad misses rugby that night. Why should his mum get every Friday evening free anyway? She's a parent now.

And you and your DH should apply to court for custody if your DSS's mum can't keep him safe. Don't listen to her emotional blackmail, I seriously doubt she's going to attempt suicide, she just wanted to scare your DH.

Why doesn't Dad take him along to training? Bet he'd love it.

Someone who trains once a week is not playing a high level of sport.
Even if he was good, assuming he's not professional, being good makes no difference whatsoever, it's a hobby.
I think dh should change hobby to a Friday night activity which he and his ds could do together.

Where has OP said he only trains once a week?

Where has OP said he only trains once a week?

They haven't.

No, I didn't think they had either.

What a terribly sad situation where this little boy's own selfish parents don't want to be responsible for him and you can be very sure he knows he's unwanted and is clingy/insecure as a result.

If my dh realised this he would give rugby a break for the season in order to reassure and spend time with his son.

If I was his mother and was struggling I would accept ANY offer of help, even midweek.

You are right: you are muggins to this couple of selfcentred excuse of parents.

Your dh married you precisely because he could offload his parenting duties as you are so kind and lovely and carry on ike a bachelor!

Sorry op but you either become a subsitute mum, a rock, for this poor little innocent boy and do your best by him as he grows up.

Or back off: arrange other plans for Friday and don't continue to be an unpaid babysitter as that is all you are: being used because you've given them an inch and they've taken a mile.

My point was it's irrelevant whether he's good or not, unless he's professional.

Or does it make a hobby more valid if you're better at it? I don't think so.

He should never have dropped the custody case. Her threatening suicide is even more reason imo to press ahead - she isn't stable and capable of parenting. She has put her child in dangerous situations and I cannot get my head around how your dh is seemingly okay with his child remaining in her full time care.
He is not coming out of this at all well. You sound like a lovely step mum but this child isn't your responsibility and his dad ought to be taking proper legal steps to take care of his child, not passing the buck onto you.
Sorry to say but mum sounds neglectful and dad sounds lazy and also neglectful of his son's needs, but in a differrnt way to mum.

Out of interest OP, when your DH agreed to having his DS every Friday, did he consult you first being as in reality he's agreed to you having him every Friday

Hi OP,

Why can't your SS mum or your DH not play rugby or look after your SS for the weekend that your family are visiting so you can go out with them? Have you asked or suggested this?

It's very convenient for SS Mum that everything is on her terms. I personally think that your DH should push for a formal arrangement with more time during the week regardless of her threats of suicide or maybe even more so because of those threats.

Bonding my arse, he’s happy to dump the responsibility on to you because he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. You’ve had posts about your poor SS before and the way that neither parent prioritises him, my sympathies still remain with him and not with the supposed adults.

SS’s Mother sounds volatile at best and despite everything that has happened, I can not believe that this poor boy’s care is still nobody’s priority.

Seriously!

I feel that it is unreasonable for the Mother to specify every weekend. You have offered to have SS in the week but this for some reason does not suit the Mother.

I would put my foot down and say that, as You have already stated, you are happy to have SS every other weekend and on some weekdays every other week.

YANBU to specify this! If your Dh wants to have his Ds every weekend, then he can give up his Rugby training to be with his Ds.

There was a thread a few days about things you would change about your childhood.

So many of us said growing up with an alcoholic parent.
Like your partner my dad didn't step up either. :( I still hate him at times.

If your ss is growing up with am alcoholic his life will be hell. Your husband should be doing all he can to nurture that poor child, yes let him "dominate the eveninng (it's only 2 out if 14 for goodness sake. )

He really needs to step up. I think he should really be taking the child every weekend. And if you don't want to watch the child for an hour an a half (a movie? Friday movie night) then your partner needs to change things.

The ex obviously isn't coping and needs the type of help an ex can't provide but in the meantime that child needs his dad to properly step up.

My dad didn't intervene in child protection issue when he should either. It still makes my blood boil. He has to start seeing the child as his responsibility, not to be robbed off for 12/14 days and he needs to step up.

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

It's MN, what do you expect? Everything's always men's fault.

That's not quite true, although there are quite a few who are saying that your DH should give up rugby. I think posters are picking up on the fact that your DH is only having his DS EOW and on Friday evenings he's left it to you to look after him. They've objecting on your behalf.

No one is condoning the ex dating unsuitable men, as far as I can see.

Just - that's because your husband only has them 2 /14 days and isnt stepping up to do his share of the care or looking after them.

Obviously if she's an alcoholic she isn't capable of doing more than she is or even as much as she is. I would be doing all I can to compensate(as other partner). Not running away from responsibilities as a dad.

I can't understand what people see in men who don't step up.

It's not in your or your partner's power to do much about her seeing unsuitable men (although God yes report to social services etc) but it is in you partner's power to parent.

My dad was like this. It's not about having the child for the least amount of time and blaming the ex.... It's about seeing where he can step in and make his CHILDs life better. Doesn't seem like anyone is fighting the child's corner.

I wouldn't chuck rugby if you were happy to watch a move with the child once a week. But if you're not happy to do that (and it isn't your responsibility) yes he needs to step up.