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Original poster

Left to care for SS - again

243 replies

Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 08:07

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

OP posts:
Afreshcuppateaplease · 21/02/2018 08:33

inflagrante i agree

Dont see a reason why only the friday will suit the mother unless it is that she wants to go on the piss

Her going out is not going to help anyone

If she genuinely needs them to have the dc more then surely midweek help is still help!

Mrsmadevans · 21/02/2018 08:34

Poor kid, well done OP , your DH should be looking after his son not you.

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2018 08:35

Maybe Friday's the night that her AA meetings are held Afresh? Or maybe that's her hobby night?

QuiteLikely5 · 21/02/2018 08:37

On the one hand I would say why on earth should you do it

On the other hand I would say you made your bed so lie in it! Get used to it. Life with kids is not a bed of roses especially when they aren’t your own

But from the beginning you could have put boundaries in place. You didn’t do that hence your Fridays are screwed

Afreshcuppateaplease · 21/02/2018 08:37

Original post states to give her a break. I assume if was an AA meeting op would have said and would also be more accomodating

As for it being a hobby night if that is the case it must be something shes just started as she usually has him on fridays

Beanteam · 21/02/2018 08:38

This sounds like a one off.
I would do it, although it is unfair on you, but make a start in learning more child rearing skills , point out to DH that if a child visits who is disobedient then he will have to be around, for the child’s sake as well as yours. No Disney Dad from him.

InflagranteDelicto · 21/02/2018 08:38

Then she needs to indicate that at as part of the negotiation process that we all do as adults trying to arrange something. I know there's a child in the middle of this, but at the same time the negotiation process needs to happen.

I say that as a step parent who has had to live by this many many times.

Nikephorus · 21/02/2018 08:38

a step mum who finds him an inconvenience
Did you miss the bit where OP said she wants to offer to have him more during the week to help his mum out?! OP has one night where she has plans with family that were made without SS being part of them - she merely wants to continue those plans and wants DH to step up and be there for his son. Not unreasonable in normal circumstances, more so in that he's get a rough time with his mum.

Vangoghsear · 21/02/2018 08:39

In the future your DSS may be unforgiving about his father choosing to do sport instead of spending time with his son. It's appalling on his part that he just assumes he can get you to care for him instead. Poor boy having two disinterested parents, no wonder he is clingy, desparate for attention. Perhaps point this out to your DH and try and reach a compromise. You may need to be very assertive about what you see as his fatherly responsibilities.

Dipitydoda · 21/02/2018 08:43

Omg all the adults in this child’s life need to just stop! He’s got what sounds like an unstable mum at home who is drinking too much, he goes to his dads and his dad fucks off to run around a field with his mates. No wonder the poor lad crav s attention he’s probsbly really struggling. His mum needs to stop drinking his dad needs to put DS first. They chose to split up when they had a child, everything else they want now needs to be put well behind the stability and attention their CHILD clearly needs. He is not a rugby ball to pass around between adults according to THEIR needs.

Inertia · 21/02/2018 08:43

You already have plans for the next couple of Fridays, so you are not available to take your stepson. I get that step-parents should be involved in their children's lives ( I 'm very close to my own SM), but that doesn't mean that both parents get to totally wash their hands of all parenting duties.

Your husband needs to step up and parent his child.

ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 08:43

The reason why the mum wants fridays should be between her and her eXP. The reason why he wants the OP to look after him is between him and the OP.

So e.g. if I wanted/needed my ex to have DC on a certain night and he agreed to it, any disagreement over this fact would be between him and his partner, and not for me to get involved with. If he said yes to having the DC then I take it as the DC going to their dad’s on x night. The how’s and wherefore’s and who is going to be home with the DC is not my concern while they’re at their dad’s.

If the ex’s dp contacted me and said “I’d really like to have some child-free time on that Friday because my family are staying I’d tell her to take that up with her DP since he agreed to have the DC as their father.

saladdays66 · 21/02/2018 08:45

YANBU. Dad needs to carefully think about the needs of his child here. If child has problems at home with mum, mum has appropriate reached out for help, then Dad buggers off to do his sport, then he's not really got his child's best interests at heart.

This ^^

I bet your h thinks this is a good chance for you and ss to bond - meaning he can carry on doing his sport and ignoring his child Hmm

He needs to step up and look after his own dc.

Dipitydoda · 21/02/2018 08:45

Posted too soon. oP you’re probably the most stable and reliable woman in this boys life. But tellDH you have plans that Friday and his son is his responsibility to sort that night

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 21/02/2018 08:46

When you married your DH surely you took on the responsibility of his son, by that I mean he also becomes your son.

Yet you can bet that if OP was here venting about the fact that she was trying to parent her SS and not getting anywhere, she'd be met with a chorus of posters telling her to back off because she's not his mother.

Step parents are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

OP, YANBU. The point of contact is for your SS to spend time with his Dad. Whilst it's beneficial and important for him to be included and spend time with you, the primary purpose is to see his Dad - not for his parents to use you as a babysitter.

maddening · 21/02/2018 08:46

Barbarian-if she wants to start a hobby on that night as she obviously doesn't already then unfortunately that night is taken - that's what happens when you have children. If the father already has a hobby that night then you have to find a night that is not already taken.

I would offer every weekend from 12pm sat to Wednesday drop off at school then the mother can pick up Wed pm and so on

FluffyWuffy100 · 21/02/2018 08:47

Can't SS go to the training, watch/play on his iphone then him and dad go for a pizza out or something?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/02/2018 08:58

YANBU
He see's it as a good time for us to bond. He can shove that for a start!

Please say no. I was you a few years ago. I really, really regret taking on my step kids. They resented being shoved to my care and reacted the same, saw it as ‘freedom’ time without their parents. It doesn’t work and all we are doing is enabling slack and neglectful parenting.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2018 09:05

He see's it as a good time for us to bond.

I bet he bloody well does! Hmm

That is the biggest pile of bullshit ever. Its him wrapping up "I am a selfish arse who won't give up my hobby to look after my child" in a nice package. Your DH needs to step up to the parenting plate sharpish. Ugh!

ChaosNeverRains · 21/02/2018 09:05

I would offer every weekend from 12pm sat to Wednesday drop off at school then the mother can pick up Wed pm and so on no, it’s not for the OP to “offer” contact time it’s for the child’s parent to negotiate that with the other parent. If that parent isn’t actually there to take care of the child, then it is for him to agree that with his partner. If the partner is not available then he is the one who needs to make himself available not defer to his partner to offer the childcare which suits her.

If I asked my ex for support and he said that it wasn’t possible due to his activities on that day etc I would negotiate with him. If however he said that yes, he can give support on that day and it transpires that his plan was for his partner to do all the childcare then that is not my problem, he has offered the support. Whether he expects his partner to do it or to hire a babysitter or to take the child with him on his activities is his issue to sort out. He’s agreed to have the child, how he does that isn’t my concern. If his partner disagrees with the way he has placed expectations on her then she needs to take that up with him and not the child’s mother who has asked the child’s father for the support which he has agreed to.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/02/2018 09:06

a step mum who finds him an inconvenience

Omg don’t get me started! Whoever said this?!!

Er... so BOTH parents can’t be arsed / too busy to look after their own child, but it is step mum to blame?

You’ve no idea how horrible it is to be in the OPs position. I know because I’ve been in it too. It’s an absolute disgrace that parents will shove the responsibility of their own children onto another. Disgraceful!

selftitledalbum · 21/02/2018 09:07

Not your kid not your problem
You’re not a free baby sitter

LakieLady · 21/02/2018 09:09

Does she want you to have him fridays so she can go on the piss?

Exactly what I thought!

And YANBU, OP. The boy needs his dad.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/02/2018 09:10

chaos you are the kind of mum who makes me really angry. You are fine to send your kid to be looked after by anyone? Fine to pressurize your Ex to take your kid when they won’t be there to look after them? But it’s wll ‘fine’ because it’s between you Two?

Er... no. A step mum is not an invisible childminder. A child needs care from its parents and it’s up to both of you to ensure that happens and not dump the poor child. It shows no proper care at all to turn a blind eye.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 09:13

He see's it as a good time for us to bond

Yeah I bet he does, how convenient. That is a man who needs to sort his priorities out.

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