Left to care for SS - again

[Justcanthebloodysport]

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond

Well, that's very convenient for him, isn't it, just not so for you. How do you feel about him encouraging you to .... enable him to avoid his parental responsibilities?

I get pissed off as I feel a little dumped on

If i looks like a duck, and quakes like a duck. Your DH is trying to manipulate you into stepping in to let him off the hook, aka dumping on you.

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

Well, I can see that you would prefer to not focus on how selfish your 'DH' is being, wanting you to provide cover for him to continue his hobby

Yes he's a bit of a dick for playing rugby. But he does a lot.
How much of what he does requires the level of sacrifice involved in giving up his rugby on a Friday evening, you know, the things he does himself rather than dumping on you?

so tonight I'll be sending DH off to play rugby with bells on
Reads as if you have made your choice, to prioritise your DH's needs over your own, and SS's, too. Good luck with that. And telling yourself that the problem is the child's mother rather than your DH

If he was with us full time, I wouldn't expect him to be home 100% of the time to care for SS - so why is it different in this scenario?

Because he's not with you full time, so your DP has few chances to give his son his undivided time and attention, which it sounds like DSS really needs.

of course the mum should be flexible, but it doesn't sound like she's going to. Your DP has tried to go for full custody and not been successful; he needs to grab whatever's on offer for the good of his son, even if that's on the mum's terms.

agree with pp that pushing back on weekend access so mum can't booze/date is not a good idea. Is it definite she won't do that around DSS, especially if she's getting more unwell/with her past history? surely better that he's out of the way while it happens?

agree with pp - if you can get every weekend, would that work well?

it sounds like you have a lovely evening planned with DSS and your family - hope it goes well.

The OP has said the father did go for full custody when the broken arm happened, but didn't follow all the way through because of the suicide threats.

Yes, that's partly what I meant by making the boy his mother's carer. He was left with her to stop her committing suicide. The OP says that he was being left with her at weekends specifically in an attempt to stop her boozing excessively and picking up men. That's a lot to put on a three year old's shoulders, or a 10 year old.

you wouldn't have every right.

A court does. If you put your child at risk and the other parent is offering a safe environment then you wouldn't get to say "sorry that's private and the child stays with me".

OP, I am sorry about my brain explosion and I do understand you are doing your best.

why should he have to give it up because his ex wants to change arrangements AGAIN.

It's not for his ex's sake - it's so that his son knows for sure that he has at least one parent who will always make time for him when he needs it.

Anyway I am glad you are planning to make your step-son welcome.

I really don’t see a problem with him popping out for 1.5 hrs to play a semi pro sport. I’m glad you can all work together op.

Amandu. - I don't see the problem with him popping out for 1.5 hours to do sport either but the OP didn't want the husband leaving her looking after the boy. So she was cross at the ex rather than the husband.

If OP is now happy to watch the boy for an hour and a half then that's not so bad (only the length of a movie!)

I think it's time he returned to pursuing having his son full time or most of the time. It's not the kid's job to keep his mother healthy. He needs a better environment.

I’m glad you can all work together op.

Well, the OP and her parents certainly can, DH still seems a bit of law unto himself. But if he's making some time for his DS and some free time for the OP to be with her parents or whatever during the rest of the weekend then yes, I'd agree they're all working together.

OP was feeling dumped on, and blaming the ex, rather than DH, when DH was presenting his desire to prioritise his hobby as an opportunity for OP to bond with 'SS', prioritising his plans for a Friday night over hers.

Blaming the ex tends to deflect attention away from the flaws of the 'DH', making it all about the new partner stepping up in the way his previous partner, the child's mother, didn"t.

All very convenient to ensure that his life and hobbies continue uninterrupted. Has this ever cropped p on MN before?

So you are pushing not to have the ds on a Friday night so that you withdraw her access to excess drinking and men.

A. What ever you or I think about bringing men into the home stopping her meeting men (however unsuitable) is not your position and is bang out of order. What right do you have to stop her meeting men who could potentially be future partners. If a woman posted her ex was refusing to have the kids to stop her meeting someone new there would be uproar about abuse.
I absolutely agree I have a friend who introduces new men constantly and it really gets my back up for her kids but you cannot restrict her going out.

B. If this woman has a problem and she clearly does do you really think stopping access to pubs by preventing her going out with stop her from drinking excessively. She has a problem!!
I would rather she be drinking when the kid is not there at the weekend. She will either drink during the week when he is there or on another day. Clubs aren't just open at the weekends...

Stuck in the middle of all this is a boy. He is the only priority here.

Sorry if that sounded harsh but your answer to deal with a women who is suffering mental health difficulties and a drinking problem and is unable to keep your dss safe is to enforce extra time for your dss with her so that your dh can keep his hobby.

Surely I'm not the only one that thinks that is ridiculous.

Your dh only duty is not to control Mum but protect the boy.

I also think this stopping fighting for custody is a red herring too. If my boy was at risk of an unsuitable environment where I felt him at risk I would be doing everything I could to remove him from that situation. Mum threatening suicide only goes to show all the more that she needs help.
And if the boy wanted to stay there and there really are issues as bad as you say then that still doesn't matter.

I have experience of children in care who want to stay with the parents despite horrific stuff.

Your dh priority is that boy, not Mum's mental health, not her drinking, that's up to her, her family and her medical team.

If things are bad again now he should be seeking temporary custody.

Sorry for the rant I've just seen so many of these case at work where Mum is according to Dad or the new wife a neglectful drunk, druggie, sleeps around with the village or mentally unstable who then give a bag full of excuses as to why the kid has been with this horrendous mother for the past 18 years with no attempt to remove the child from the situation.

Either it has been bollocks or they haven't cared enough to want the child 24/7
So I find it hard to be objective.

I would fight tooth and nail for my child.

Yep it was my story too. Wealthy dad couldn't really be bothered with us as felt it was his ex (my mums) job despite her being alcoholic etc. Whole other story but at the very least just as this dad could have made weekends a place of safety and shown interest etc.

So he glides by give yo his sport . I think that’s OK actually if it’s his heart and soul

But I think you could stop being so defensive and take a step back and have an impartial think about how life is for his son and explore other mediums to address the issue . I can see for Mum to lose her son would break her heart . But she should be encouraged to Address her MH in a less threatening way .

God typos 😡

Boom, desire/right whatever.
If that was my child regardless of the other parent threatening suicide if I had parental responsibility I would take my child.
He’s too young to have to care for his alcoholic mother. That’s not his job.

It's not his job Fish. Absolutely not. But if you took your son and his mother did commit suicide because of it, he may not be better off. If you're going to be the decent parent, you have to consider the full impact of your actions, not simply indulge your hot feelings without taking the whole picture into account. Sometimes it's difficult and there are no ideal solutions. Which isn't to say a parent should always stop action when the other threatens suicide. Just that it isn't simple and neither of us have any idea what the balance is for this particular family.

But DS is a child, so the adults need to decide what is best for him, not DS, and that is probably spending the majority of time with his DF.

You say full custody was too difficult for 'everyone'. Do you include your DH in that?