Left to care for SS - again

[Justcanthebloodysport]

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

All the emotive “he values this or that more than his child’s welfare” is judgemental when not seeing the full picture and really unhelpful and impractical and the way most of these threads go on AIBU.

Blue He clearly trains regularly but apparently it's late and training sessions/short game as opposed to full game. The son in question is 10. Going to matches with his DF and getting him involved in tag rugby would be a good move, but poss not a late Friday evening when he'd probably be the only child there just watching.

OP has already said nobody goes to watch, so he would be stood on the sidelines alone while his dad trains.

You appear happy to spend time with your stepson most friday nights, your oh should be grateful for that.
If you want a night out then you either get a babysitter, as anyone else does, or he misses rugby on those nights.

I mean you as in plural.

DH plays at a high level

Bluelady, it’s in the op.

It’s your DP fault
He chose to have a kid now he needs to choose to put his kid first over a fucking hobby

Poor wee lad . And it’s not fair on you either

Interesting that there are more replies telling DH to chuck rugby than there are for SS's mum to quit partying on a Friday and dating unsuitable men! (Just an observation)

I think this is largely because your DH is the one that can do something good about the situation, whereas it sounds like the mum wouldn't be great for your DSS even if she didn't party on a Friday night.

Poor boy.
Stupid cow crap mother, and father who can't put his child before rugby.

Disgusted that he let his son go back into the care of someone whose boyfriend broke his arm. I can't take anything else from this thread but that. Poor, poor child. He may have been in his mothers care when physically harmed but if the same or worse happens again the father is equally responsible for putting him in harms way. How any woman can see anything in a man like that is beyond me
The mothers suicide threat was emotional blackmail and even if she did mean it, as a pp said, all the more proof that the boy isn't safe in her care as she's clearly not stable.

Disgusted that he let his son go back into the care of someone whose boyfriend broke his arm. I can't take anything else from this thread but that. Poor, poor child. He may have been in his mothers care when physically harmed but if the same or worse happens again the father is equally responsible for putting him in harms way. How any woman can see anything in a man like that is beyond me sad
The mothers suicide threat was emotional blackmail and even if she did mean it, as a pp said, all the more proof that the boy isn't safe in her care as she's clearly not stable.

well put, my heart breaks for that poor boy, please let him know someone does care op

Unless he's a professional rugby player it's a hobby.
He should be caring for his child, otherwise sorting out childcare.
I feel so sorry for both his child and you as he clearly doesn't give a toss about either of you.
That poor child, no wonder he's so clingy and doesn't want to go to bed early.
This is not your problem OP, yes, family does come first, perhaps your dp should be the one to realise this.

The mothers suicide threat was emotional blackmail and even if she did mean it, as a pp said, all the more proof that the boy isn't safe in her care as she's clearly not stable.

While I think this is true, I don't think it makes the action to take simple. A child whose mother commits suicide over the child's custody isn't necessarily going to be better off than if he stays with her and she gets support. It's a very difficult position for the father.

*Today 17:35 MrsMaxwell

I wouldn’t post here as a step mum.

You will be told to rearrange your whole life for your step child, you are abusing him, blah blah.

Even MNHQ told me it’s not the best idea to post in AIBU as a step parent.*

I don't see anyone lambasting the op, she's making alterations to her life to care for her ss. It's the parents who are letting this child down and people are telling the op her dp needs to step up not her.

The OP has stated that her DH plays rugby at a high level - lots of PPs saying he must give it up - it’s not realistic is it?

She did indeed. She also said this in a later post:

I sometimes wish DH would pack in the rugby, but we are an active family and after a hard week (and a stressful time) it helps him blow off steam.

With the additional context "high level" does not sound like he is a professional player who is relying upon rugby to pay his mortgage. Instead it sounds like he's a bloke who is good and plays at a good standard, but that it's a hobby.

So, spending every Friday on your hobby or stepping up and taking care of your own child who has been physically abused by his Mother's previous boyfriend? Yeah, tough choice alright

"A high level" could mean anything, Hissy. I repeat, we don't know. Various posters are questioning it and we haven't been told.

And I agree that OP isn't being lambasted here at all. In fact OP seems to be the only person in this sorry mess that is actually taking any time at all to think about what this child needs.

Lambasting the OP DH is just as bad, people always go so over the top here

If you don't like it, MrsM ...

Lambasting the OP DH is just as bad

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

One can really go so "over the top" when talking about a Father who is more interested in playing sport than looking after his own child who has previously been abused. The kid had his arm broken by his Mum's former partner FFS, yet Daddy Dearest doesn't want to give up his Friday night rugby...

I'm concerned that your husband sees his child once every weekend to 'give mum a break' rather than bond with his child and be a father?? And he's never even there anyway! Poor child he's going to notice that no one wants him

Yep. And the language around "helping the mum out" with looking after the child. He isnt. He's parenting his own child (or not as case may be!)

I sometimes wish DH would pack in the rugby, but we are an active family and after a hard week (and a stressful time) it helps him blow off steam. I want SS to see sport as an important part of daily living

I can't imagine what kind of week his son is having with his mother, given what you've said on here. What would help him to 'recover' from that on a Friday night? Time with his dad? And is your stepson seeing sport as an important part of daily living more important than him seeing spending time with and taking care of your children as something important?

I get that your husband doesn't want to give up his hobby, because it's important to him, but when does what's important to his son come into it? He sounds like a child who is living a really tough life, and I can't help thinking that, while his dad has other, potentially more flexible ways to blow off steam and incorporate sport into his life, this boy is very much at the mercy of his parent's priorities which don't seem to focus on him as much as perhaps they should.

@Amatree Disgusted that he let his son go back into the care of someone whose boyfriend broke his arm. I can't take anything else from this thread but that. Poor, poor child. He may have been in his mothers care when physically harmed but if the same or worse happens again the father is equally responsible for putting him in harms way. How any woman can see anything in a man like that is beyond me 

Sorry but really ? The father let this happen ? The fact that this happened when she took her child to live in another country without even so much as telling DH ? Yeah thats 100% my DH's fault !!

DH plays in the league below pro, so tonight I'll be sending DH off to play rugby with bells on. I've been to the shops to get stuff for pizza, left family with instructions on how to use the kitchen aid and make dough while I'm at work ..... SS will be tired from school so we can have early dinner and then not a super late night. He'll probably convince my dad to watch a movie with him or some sport, they'll be happy and I can gossip in the kitchen with my mum.
I think this has really made me realise, I don't want DH to chuck footie. A family, is family biological or not and I am perfectly capable of caring for SS. We aren't at fault here, I was wrong for being annoyed at DH - it's his passion I've always known that why should he have to give it up because his ex wants to change arrangements AGAIN. If he was with us full time, I wouldn't expect him to be home 100% of the time to care for SS - so why is it different in this scenario? Might be time to look at custody again.