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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left to care for SS - again

243 replies

Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 08:07

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 21/02/2018 11:57

How bad is the mum's alcohol issue? Your dh's shirking aside, is she actually capable of being dss' main carer? Is she struggling to cope in general or is 12 days out of 14 just too much for her?

Your dh definitely needs to step up and be a dad. He seems to think he only has responsibility eow, and any other time some woman will do the parenting for him - regardless of their capability, willingness or not actually being the child's fucking parent! Unbelievably shitty behaviour. As a minimum he needs to look after his son more than he does now, and he needs to put his son before his hobby. It's fucking outrageous he can't see that himself.

You all need an honest talk with the mum about options, days, 50:50, who the resident parent should be. Once you've established what's best for the child, your dh needs to get on with it.

KanyeWesticle · 21/02/2018 12:01

DP's problem, not yours.

Depression is not a weekly event. A 3 day weekend, including Monday, seems like it'd work better for everyone.

Afreshcuppateaplease · 21/02/2018 12:03

I think it matters that she specifically wants friday yes. If she drinks to much then helping her get out on a bender is not good is it

Ellendegeneres · 21/02/2018 12:35

😦😦 at some of the responses on here!
So you’re telling me, when my oh eventually moves in, it’s his responsibility to watch my kids weekly because he chose the life of being with a single parent so therefore has to have them so I can do what I like!? Uh nah. They’re still my responsibility.
Op please tell him this week he’s not going to rugby, you have plans so he either doesn’t go or his ds stays with Mum that night.
Why should you be the one to cancel!? It’s not your kid! Why are you the one who has to lose out when he has two parents who can care for him themselves!?
I feel bad for the kid, but fuck would I be tolerating this

whywontteenswearcoats · 21/02/2018 12:41

My DH played rugby before we got together until a career ending injury. After we started going out he was badgered by his mates to go back to play for the third team. He went back to training against medical advice, played one match, broke a rib. I told him I envisaged our future being pushing our dc in a pram not pushing him in a wheelchair because of rugby. Nearly 20 years & 3 dc later and he has never played again. Because he’s the kind of man that puts his family first.

WitchesHatRim · 21/02/2018 12:42

@whywontteenswearcoats not quite the same thing is it?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/02/2018 12:58

Personally, if my child's main carer was struggling and had a drink problem, I'd want them with me more but then I don't have a hobby

Well yes but in this case the DH isn't having the the child with him more, he is making the big parenting gesture whilst assuming the OP will do his parenting for him. He needs to get his priorities sorted.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/02/2018 16:34

I don’t think we can let the poor boys Mum or Dad off the hook here.

It’s one think having EOW and knowing that occasionally the other parent will let the child be looked after by other family.

It’s quite another asking for an extra night every week - either knowing that the Dad is unable to do this himself or not knowing and not caring who does. That shows a level of indifference towards the child’s care from both parents, we can’t excuse the mum here just because Dad agreed.

Especially as the mum has a drinking problem and wants every Friday night! Like that’s going to help long term with her drinking.

I’ve done this. I’ve looked after step kids regularly because their Dad was pressured into taking them more for the mums convenience - and all I did was enable both parents to neglect their kids. It really is neglect. All my step children felt totally dumped on me, and all have issues as a result. Wish I’d refused, I thought I was helping the kids and parents but I wasn’t at all.

Original poster
Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 21:35

Just to be clear DH has offered countless time to have SS more, even coming to live with us for a bit or full time if he wanted and tried to get access through the courts. But stopped when it got really messy and was doing more damage than good. But his ex has refused to let us help even in the short term - her reason she won't be able to cope without him. DH is by no means a deadbeat dad, Disney dad at times yes. I think the reason she wants a Friday night is to date which is fair enough. (Although slightly apprehensive as the last 'date' turned out to be a con man and she moved 40km to live with him and the one prior to that broke SS arm) I get pissed off as I feel a little dumped on, I get DH's view as he'll be out maybe and hour and a half of SS's evening before he goes to bed anyway. I understand she is unwell and needs support, I totally get that. But slightly confused as to why the help must always come at the weekend, we want to help with homework and involve SS in after school clubs - not always have the fun of the weekend. I sometimes wish DH would pack in the rugby, but we are an active family and after a hard week (and a stressful time) it helps him blow off steam. I want SS to see sport as an important part of daily living .... frustrating still as it always seems to be left at my door.

OP posts:
Lonesurvivor · 21/02/2018 21:45

I agree with Bananasinpyjamas, although you're trying to do good you are enabling your dp and his ex to not meet their responsibilities.
I'm not sure there's any solution here really though, unless of course you find something permanent to fill your own Friday evenings and leave them to sort their own issues.

LeighaJ · 21/02/2018 21:49

I thought the point of visits was for their biological parent to spend time with them? 🤔 No wonder he's clingy but maybe it would be better for everyone if he was picked up early Saturday morning if his Dad CBA to spend time with him on Friday.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 21/02/2018 21:53

A few points

How old is the child?

When does your husband have his child overnight?

Does the child not want to watch his dad train, my dh is a skilled sportsman, my Ds attends training and games with dh, he gets to play with their kids his age and at least once a month it’s kids verses parents.

Original poster
Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 22:11

10
Frid/sat night eow - more like 3/4 weekends
No it's a late kick off, no other kids go so he'd be alone on the touch line watching drills.

OP posts:
lilabet2 · 22/02/2018 01:33

I think your DH should arrange for his son to visit on a day/night that he can be around to spend quality time with him.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that HOWEVER do make sure not to let your DSS know that you are unhappy with the situation because he already had a Depressed mum so will be having a hard time anyway. Even if it's difficult you need to make him feel safe and accepted.

Montyrage · 22/02/2018 02:08

Yanbu
BUT
Either you look after the ds or your exh gives up his hobby assuming he isn't playing pro.
If he isn't playing pro then he finds a team that trains on days other than a Saturday. Yes there will be weekend games but the ds can go and watch games.

Or you go back to Mum and see if she will swap days.
However a judge would not view your husbands hobby as a reason to disrupt every other weekend scheduled contact to be honest.

Every other weekend is pretty standard contact (I know you say it can be three weekends) so expecting to change contact days so he doesn't have to give up a hobby is a bit crap tbh.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/02/2018 02:30

Please don't have children with this manchild who puts his hobby before his distressed child.

THirdEeye · 22/02/2018 02:43

I feel quite sorry for your SS and you to be honest.

His parents are not prioritising him at all and it’s bullocks that you looking after him will help you to bond with him.

If you have plans then his parents need to organise alternative care.

Why can’t your DH, organise a sitter or ask a relative to look after his son whilst he plays his match?

Why are you beholden to do it every week?

SecretsRsecrets · 22/02/2018 02:53

Sorry to derail here, but did you mean that one of the mum's boyfriends broke your SS's arm?! Is that not a safeguarding issue? If she is having unsafe people around the child would that be an issue for SS/the courts etc?

I'm sorry for the child and your situation OP, hope you can get it sorted.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2018 02:55

Its all very well people saying that as his stepmother you took on part responsibility for him, but what about what he wants and needs?

Right now, although he probably appreciates your care, and seems to be a bit clingy with you for good reason, but what he wants is his father to be there.

Your DH needs to accept that for the moment his son needs him more than his team does. And if he wont then I would be questioning the whole marriage because I couldnt love a man who puts a ball game ahead of his owns sons needs and welfare.

Seems to me that the only parent who is putting him first is the only person who doesnt have a bioligical connection to him.

If his mother seems to be throwing her cap in with another loser then you need to look at applying for full custody of the poor kid.

thegreatbeyond · 22/02/2018 04:06

One of the mums boyfriends BROKE THE CHILD'S ARM????

Good God, that poor boy.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 22/02/2018 07:29

God, that poor boy Sad

For the night you want to go out, just tell your H "I am out that night, you'd better organise a sitter for DS this Friday if you are going out to rugby"

Original poster
Justcanthebloodysport · 22/02/2018 07:51

Yes, one of her ex's broke his arm. We went for custody then and she said she'd kill herself if we went ahead. DH doesn't want to change current arrangements, eow and wants additional through the week. He clocks off work early to pick him up from school, they hang out and get home and take over around 6/6:30 and DH goes off to train. (He can't change clubs as they all train/play Friday here)? Then the rest of the weekend he is about with SS. His ex wants every Friday off for the foreseeable future. SS has never had a sitter in our care ever. So don't think fair to start at this moment in time.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 22/02/2018 07:59

It's pretty obvious to me that the reason it has to be Fridays is because the ex knows it's rugby night and, by insisting on it, she's causing the maximum inconvenience. My stepchildren's mother did this kind of shit all the time, I recognise the fingerprints.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 22/02/2018 08:30

Your DH needs to accept that he has a child, who is very vulnerable and needs him. Chasing a fucking ball around a field does not take priority over spending time with his son. Unless he is a professional player and his rugby income is paying the mortgage then he needs to knock it on the head because it's a fucking hobby and not important.

As a PP has said, you do not have an Ex problem, you have a DH problem.

EllieMe · 22/02/2018 08:32

Either DH gives up training or he tells the ex no.

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