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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left to care for SS - again

243 replies

Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 08:07

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/02/2018 10:05

How old is your DSS?

Lonesurvivor · 21/02/2018 10:12

The poor child. This is a tough one, the child needs to be put first but by his parents and neither of them will/can.
By default you're left picking up the slack from a mother who insists on a break every single Friday and a father who must train
What would happen if you weren't in the picture, which of them would budge?

I personally wouldn't do every single Friday, I would do the Fridays I could and offer an alternative day and let them sort it.
They've created this little boy they need to learn they have to step up to the plate when needed. Whether that's by agreeing mutually what extra days it suits to have ds and been flexible or sacrificing their own social lives in order to help.

How long does you partner spend training on a Friday evening, surely he couldn't be gone more than a few hours?

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 21/02/2018 10:16

DH plays at a high level

So he's well paid for being a professional Rugby player? No? Then it's a hobby. HIgh level or not.

shinysinkredemption · 21/02/2018 10:19

Get the parents to work out a day which suits them both. Friday evidently doesn't.

This. Their needs don't trump yours. Their son's needs should trump whatever they are doing.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 21/02/2018 10:19

Agree with Friday night pick up after training or put your foot down and insist you swap Friday to a day in the week regardless of it suiting her.

Dss isn't gaining. He doesn't see his dad. His mum's probably a drain on him during the week. It's not just about his mum!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 21/02/2018 10:19

TieGrr. No one needs to go out every Friday. She wants more help as she’s not coping, but doesn’t want it midweek, only Friday nights.

LaurieMarlow · 21/02/2018 10:21

So he's well paid for being a professional Rugby player? No? Then it's a hobby. HIgh level or not.

This. It makes no difference if he's good at the hobby, it's still just a hobby.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 21/02/2018 10:25

Poor you, and poor poor kid (he does not sound unreasonable wanting a bit of attention, pizza and staying up a bit later on a Friday night!)

Am afraid it sounds like your DP is a selfish wanker...

How old is the boy?

babba2014 · 21/02/2018 10:29

Agree with others. He is the father, he is putting sports before his kid so it doesn't make him sound so amazing. It's not on you because it's not your biological child. If he was at work I'd say yes it was your choice to marry him but this is a hobby. He chose to have a kid, life changes after that.

TieGrr · 21/02/2018 10:30

No one needs to go out every Friday. She wants more help as she’s not coping, but doesn’t want it midweek, only Friday nights.

Because the help is of most use to her on Friday nights. She's struggling and depressed and thinks that having every Friday night off will help her. It may be to go out drinking, it may not be. But the few comments earlier asking if she wanted Fridays to go on the piss were sneery and unnecessary. She has her child 12 out of every 14 days as it is. His father taking him one extra day a fortnight is frankly the least he could do.

Rihanna89 · 21/02/2018 10:35

Definitely not being unreasonable.

It's beyond me how everyone compares being a SM to being a biological mum - this child has 2 parents who need to co ordinate childcare, you are there as additional support for the child but you shouldn't be left looking after him every single Friday so both of his parents can have a break.

Yes you chose a man with a child which does come with big responsibilities but the second you chose this man you didn't become a parent.

At the very least your family commitments should be taken into account while you have visitors, if you're not doing anything and feel happy to have him then fair enough.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/02/2018 10:42

I think I would say to them both

"Happy to help out where I can but only midweek or when dh is here at weekends because at the moment the only two out on a Friday night are his parents and muggins here has to sit it so that won't be continuing"

Anyone who really needs a break will take it whenever offered not on one night a week that they stipulate

Alwayslumpyporridge · 21/02/2018 10:43

How long are your family visiting? if its only a week then your DH can miss Rugby one night surely? or if not suck it up as a one off? make him welcome? You can relax once your SS is in bed.

Long Term I would suggest another night, would you be open to having every Saturday or Sunday night? that would give the DM a night off? however I cynically wonder if she has suggested Friday night to be able to go out with friends, clearly that's fine to do but its not ideal as he isn't getting to spend time with his Dad. If she is adamant that its Friday night then your DH needs to change his Rugby plans.

Honeycombcrunch · 21/02/2018 11:00

YANBU

It's ok to say no to an arrangement that doesn't suit you. If DSS has to be with you on Fridays for the foreseeable future, DH will have to give up his rugby training (unless he is earning money from it, in which case he may have to pay less child maintenance). Don't be a martyr about this and make sure your DH is the one who 'bonds' on Fridays with his son instead of you.

Original poster
Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 11:00

Sorry so many post and so many questions!
Just to clarify I do not and never have found my step son an inconvenience... ever. I'm the one staying home with him ...... not his parents. No need for the hard time. Let me read the thread and try to come back to you all.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 21/02/2018 11:06

I think this post has broadly gone well and agreed the problem seems to be the dh, who has agreed the Friday but prioritised his sport over his son and thinks the op should prioritise her stepson so he can play sport, when shealready had plans. My dh would be Home with his son or rearranging dates in this case.

Butterymuffin · 21/02/2018 11:08

Dad should be putting his son ahead of his rugby here. If it was a mum they'd be expected without question to give up their sporting activity! Pretty bad that dad is shoving it onto stepmum.

His father should be giving up hobbies that get in the way of providing that stability and nurture, and possibly even altering his work hours.

This!

hellsbellsmelons · 21/02/2018 11:16

Sorry but I would not do this.
Not a chance in hell.
Could you offer every other Friday if you are the one doing it???
You are NOT BU!
Not harsh judgement from me.
My ExP had 3 and he never left them with me on my own!
Not once. They are his kids and he looks after them when it's his contact time.
You can step up and help on the odd occasion.
But every Friday!?
NOPE!!

araiwa · 21/02/2018 11:26

Can dh pick him up after rugby?

Original poster
Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 11:33

Kick off is 8:15 - he leaves the house at 6:30/7pm so some time with SS before I get home

OP posts:
Afreshcuppateaplease · 21/02/2018 11:41

Do you know why she specifically wants friday op

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 21/02/2018 11:44

Kick off is 8:15 - he leaves the house at 6:30/7pm so some time with SS before I get home

But the rugby is more important to him than his child.

PersianCatLady · 21/02/2018 11:48

Your DH is a selfish twat and shouldn't be treating his DS like this when he needs him the most.

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 11:48

What does it matter what day she wants?

She can ask for any day she likes. The dad can then say yes or no as suits.

StormTreader · 21/02/2018 11:56

It does seem a little dubious that the mum is desperate for a break but the ONLY day that that can happen is the premium Friday night slot...

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