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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left to care for SS - again

243 replies

Justcanthebloodysport · 21/02/2018 08:07

We have SS every other weekend. His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break. DH plays rugby every Friday, so muggins here will be left to care for SS. Which is fine but we have family visiting currently and I was looking forward to some quality/childfree time with them. DH plays at a high level and it's his training, so understand he doesn't want to miss it. He see's it as a good time for us to bond. I want to offer to have him more through the week to help his mum out, but this doesn't suit her apparently.... Of course I will do it as family comes first and he is old enough to be self sufficient. But due what's going on at home he can be a little clingy and wants to dominate the night. (Pizza for dinner, hang out with the adults and drag his heels going to bed) ....am I right to be pissed off to be the only one who has to lose their Friday night ?

OP posts:

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 09:16

I think Chaos is right Banana.

If the mum has asked the dad if dad can have DD, and he has agreed, it is no longer the mums concern exactly what the arrangements at dads are.

It's up to dad and SM to sort it.

If SM can't/won't look after the child then either dad has to, or dad has to go back to mum and renegotiate.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2018 09:17

That is a man who needs to sort his priorities out.

That is the bottom line.

I'm going to trot out a MN cliche here but I think it's apt. You don't have a SS problem, you have a DH problem

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2018 09:19

If SM can't/won't look after the child then either dad has to, or dad has to go back to mum and renegotiate.

That's the wrong way round! It shoud be "If the dad can't / won't look after the child..."

Why does the mom's "need" for a Friday off, and the dad's "need" to play rugby trump the OP's night with her family?

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 09:24

It doesn't BOOP, but as far as the mum is concerned, the dad has agreed to have the child.

What happens after that isn't her concern

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2018 09:27

No, but it is the dad's - except he doesn't care / has his priorities all wrong / is a lazy arse

Elocutioner · 21/02/2018 09:28

Yes of course it is the dads

RadioGaGoo · 21/02/2018 09:33

Banana, there are many posts on here about how an Ex leaves childcare to partners/patents/friends on their contact days and the Ex Partner has moaned about this and been told by many posters that Ex can do with DC whatever he/she wants on his contact days and that the Ex Partner cannot get involved.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2018 09:33

When you say your DH plays at a high level do you mean professionally?

If not then something has to give.

RidingWindhorses · 21/02/2018 09:38

If he were professional surely there would be more training than once a week.

It's actually a good time for DH to bond with his son rather than you OP which he clearly hasn't if he's prioritising chasing a ball.

He needs to step up and parent.

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2018 09:40

BitOfPractise it doesn't - unless perhaps the mum is already doing the liln's share of childcare? OP doesn't say how often they have the lad but certainly no suggestion that it's 50:50. Personally, if my child's main carer was struggling and had a drink problem, I'd want them with me more but then I don't have a hobby.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2018 09:41

If he were professional surely there would be more training than once a week.

Yes but they don't have DSS then.

'High level' is a bit ambiguous. Baldly running around the field with your mates.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2018 09:42

This reply has been deleted

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Somerville · 21/02/2018 09:43

His mum is struggling, depressed drinking too much and has asked if we can take him every Friday indefinitely to give her a break

Like PP's, I think the focus should be on what the child involved needs. His mother struggling with MH problems and alcohol means that he needs as much nurturing and stability as possible. His father should be giving up hobbies that get in the way of providing that stability and nurture, and possibly even altering his work hours.

RadioGaGoo · 21/02/2018 09:47

Give OP a break Piglet. She could be in a meeting at work.

LakieLady · 21/02/2018 09:50

I may have missed it, and apologies if that's the case OP, but did your DH discuss this with you before agreeing this arrangement with his ex?

If his decision was unilateral, he needs to stay home for his son or take him to rugby. And he's a cheeky fucker.

ToffeeUp · 21/02/2018 09:51

He see's it as a good time for us to bond

Don't you already have this bonding time when he is playing his matches, presumably in the weekend?

He just has to cancel his training.

Enko · 21/02/2018 09:52

OP how high level rugby does DH play? Is there a chance of this making money in the future? As if so that IMO puts a very different slant on this. (have a rugby playing family)

However even with that in mind it is ok for you to say " actually that doesn't work for me" its great you are offering to have SS more but you are not the one who has to work out his care needs.

IF dh is " only " playing for leisure then I think its fair to say this wont be something you can do during the time you have family visiting (assuming you are willing other time)

Davespecifico · 21/02/2018 09:53

Get your husband to arrange to take him to training.
He’s lying about the chance to bond. And he knows that having put it like that he can make you out to be the bad guy if you then complain.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/02/2018 09:53

@BarbarianMum I completely agree. Except the dad doesn't want the son actually with him does he? He wants to play rugby.

TieGrr · 21/02/2018 09:55

What's the big deal if the mother wants to go out drinking on Fridays? Maybe she has a group of friends that meet up every Friday and this is her only opportunity to go out and actually enjoy herself. She's struggling - she probably needs time to have fun. Or does she have to martyr herself because the OP and her DH can't sort out a night of childcare between them.

meandmytinfoilhat · 21/02/2018 09:55

Can't his son also go to training? Even just the odd Friday and the others he spends with you? How old is he?

Marcine · 21/02/2018 10:00

Your DH needs to step up and put his son first.

suzy2b · 21/02/2018 10:00

My daughters partner has 2 children he has them every other weekend
he never leaves them with my daughter if he wants to go anywhere and they don''t want to go they go to his mums,she will also come here some of those days so that they have there dad to themselves , having gone through it herself never having her dad alone always with his partner because she would kick off

WitchesHatRim · 21/02/2018 10:02

What's the big deal if the mother wants to go out drinking on Fridays?

Well the big deal is according to OP she is drinking to much.

suzy2b · 21/02/2018 10:02

should have said he picks them up frriday night and takes them back sunday night

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