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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
DarthNigel · 21/02/2018 08:44

BarbarianMum. As I said, I can see why she she didn't feel able to help after I'd given her a rough few years...
Do I think she feels the same way? Probably she would say it was all my fault. But she is a person that has never in living memory admitted she was wrong about anything so...
Looking back on it now I feel guilty about the way I behaved as a kid. But I also recognise that I was a kid. And kids fuck up sometimes.
When I really needed her she wasn't there, and as parent now myself I can't imagine behaving that way with my own daughter in the same set of circumstances. That has made it harder for me to look back on it and think what she did was the best way of handling the situation and it makes it hard at times for me to relate to her now.

Sostenueto · 21/02/2018 08:47

Second that!

ShatnersWig · 21/02/2018 08:53

This is one of those AIBUs where a first time poster comes in, lobs in a good grenade that will be wonderfully contentious, sets everyone at odds with each other and disappears to watch the fallout. They've created the wreckage and are now processing it....

mumof2sarah · 21/02/2018 08:58

Perhaps the teacher was having a bad day (doesn't excuse her bluntness or rudeness) but if your daughter had been pushing her and being awful then she got off you that you wouldn't bring her back (even though you just meant there's no way on earth your daughter would let you) she probably felt like the only option was to be a bit more snappy and stern. I've had to at times be a bit more stern (but never rude) to parents who don't show interest/can't see the fact their child is causing a menace etc etc etc. We don't like it and we feel awful lately but combined with a bad day, like everyone has, it can be awful. In my opinion and if I was you, I'd make an appointment with said teacher and just explain that although you understand the frustration you weren't impressed with the way she spoke to you and that if she wants to have a bit of respect for yourself you'd be happy to come up with something to help the situation.

Thecrabbypatty · 21/02/2018 09:12

you weren't impressed with the way she spoke to you and that if she wants to have a bit of respect for yourself you'd be happy to come up with something to help the situation

It appears that you think OP should extract an apology from the teacher before cooperating in helping her own child?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/02/2018 09:31

that if she wants to have a bit of respect for yourself you'd be happy to come up with something to help the situation.

Shock

Are you for real? The OP should only help the school help her child if there's some kind of quid pro quo?

mumof2sarah · 21/02/2018 10:08

@Thecrabbypatty not at all, I wouldn't expect an apology, I should have put that in there, I would just want her to know I felt her way of communicating at the time was rude.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross I didn't mean that as it's typed (again, it's one of 'those mornings' my fingers are moving faster than my brain) she should be wanting to work with school no matter what to sort whatever is going out properly I actually don't know what I meant by that sentence -- perhaps saying "I've come to sort this out once and for all and get the daughter cooperating too" I think it's the hours sleep and stress of something happening last night clouding my making sense abilities today. Thank you for correcting that bit!

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 21/02/2018 13:50

So if I told you guys that all 4 of his sociology classes failed, then tell me who the tool was. He was fired soon after...(my brother attended the school for 3 years more so I was privy to gossip) all of my other teachers loved me, I got detentions but that was just for handing in homework late. I was top of my class for the most part and always finished my work and even got extra worksheets. It was my own fault really I was top in the school for history already reaching level 8 by year 9, I thought I’d learnt everything so chose to do sociology.... how wrong was I.
All I’m saying is the teacher OP was talking about sounded very condescending, if she was like that with a parent imagine what she’s like with the students. From experience as a student. Most of my teachers were firm but they respected the students and the students all ways respected them back. It was give and take. That was 14 years ago. I get it’s annoying when the kids don’t turn up for detention, but its not always the parents fault, people automatically think bad child, shit parents. Peer pressure is rife at the moment and unfortunately some kids get pulled in far.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 21/02/2018 13:52

@queenb14
She never knew TIL about 3 years later. She just thought it was my friend calling.

Branleuse · 21/02/2018 13:59

Theyre in loco parentis. If they cant get her to go to the detention when shes already in school, then how the hell are you supposed to make her once shes home. The teacher was rude. I get that its hard for them, but if they cant make her go to detentions, they need to be a bit more creative with their punishments

HuskyMcClusky · 21/02/2018 14:03

Branleuse - a teacher does not have the same range of sanctions available to them as a parent does. They are very limited.

Besides which, they have other children to deal with. It’s not their job to try and figure out how to get the OP’s recalcitrant and disrespectful child to do what she’s told.

Thecrabbypatty · 21/02/2018 14:50

Branleuse - I think in loco parentis is bandied around far too much and should not be used to hold teachers to account for other people poor parenting. It means 'in the role of a parent' not INSTEAD of the parent. Incidentally if you are looking after any other child or even having one of your kids friends staying at your house you are implicitly and legally deemed to be acting 'in loco parentis'. It's not just for schools its for any adult taking on the active supervision of a child. You wouldn't however phone up your local brown owl / bus driver / music teacher and expect them to get involved in parenting your child. The DD was out of school so no longer under the duty of care of the school and therefore the teacher is not obliged to act 'in loco parentis.'

crunchymint · 21/02/2018 16:49

I think OP you should forget about what the teacher said, that is not important here.

I too would be worried about child sexual exploitation. Have you talked to the school or Social Services and been honest about how you can not control her any more? If not it would be worth being and asking if they can help in any way.

Original poster
processthewreckage · 21/02/2018 16:54

Thanks for your replies. I'm on the other stuff but it's not really the focus of the thread.

OP posts:
Eolian · 21/02/2018 17:13

Fascinated to know what you mean by being 'more creative with their punishments', Branleuse. What would you suggest?

Amaried · 21/02/2018 17:28

I think it's very telling that your dd received a serious punishment that she wasn't even bothered to turn up to and you are on aibu wondering if the teacher was rudeHmm

Original poster
processthewreckage · 21/02/2018 17:32

A detention isn't a particularly serious punishment at DD's school. Perhaps other schools do things differently.

OP posts:
ktp100 · 21/02/2018 17:34

'You'd better'!!! I can tell you as a teacher that we are not allowed to speak to parents like that! Awful. Go straight above her and make it clear that you won't be spoken to that way. Any chance she can be put on report and held after school until you (or another representative) can collect her?

Thingiebob · 21/02/2018 17:48

Teacher sounds weird and menacing. My response would have been pretty curt tbh. Along the lines of 'Don't talk to me like I am a child. I'm doing the best I can and I can't physically force my daughter to go somewhere.' You'll have to come up with another punishment.'
Sorry this is difficult. I really think this teacher was unprofessional.

MissWritenow · 21/02/2018 17:49

No that's not a professional or appropriate thing to say to a parent. It's a saying it in your head one, sure, but I'd never say that out loud - it's counter productive. You are well within your rights to complain but I'd do it in a very calm and fair way, it's better for your own sites levels and had more impact on the teacher/s. What's your relatively with the school been like in general? Have you meet this teacher yet OP? What impression did you get of them if so. Purely from a professional point of view - please don't take offence - from the sounds of it your DAD has been that way at school for a while.. is there a teacher that she likes that gets through to her well? Do you have a relationship with an in-school Student Services team or her Head of Year,? The person that called you was rude and insulting, you can have a great parent that bends over backwards and still have an entitled little of a child (not saying your DD is one OP, I'm sure she's not, but again just saying in a professional capacity that no one with any experience/sense would make that comment in that manner of they had the child's interests at heart)
Don't take it personally Flowers

MissWritenow · 21/02/2018 17:50

*DD obviously, not your dad!!

MissWritenow · 21/02/2018 17:51

Sorry, typos everywhere... Hope you get the gist, sorry.

Loobylu44 · 21/02/2018 17:52

Husband is a teacher - utterly fed up with hearing about badly behaved kids and ineffective crappy parenting. I would have had my mum waiting for me when I got home had she got a call from school and that would have been the worst punishment ever. What the he’ll is wrong with people? If you can’t be a parent and do the hard yards don’t have kids.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/02/2018 17:52

Ok then OP, back to your original Q. Was the teacher being unreasonable? The only bit that was unreasonable of the teacher was "you'd better", if that is exactly what the teacher said.

PurpleCrowbar · 21/02/2018 17:52

Email:

'Dear Ms Smith,

I'm sorry dd did not attend detention. I fully support school sanctions & am happy for you to escalate this as per school policy.

Unfortunately, I am not able to physically compel dd to return to school as you suggested. Dd's current behaviour is obviously unacceptable & I am forwarding this email to Mr Brown (form tutor) & Mrs Jones (Head of Year) to request a meeting to discuss it, & ways in which school & I can support dd & ensure she meets the expected standards of behaviour in future'

'Dear Mr Brown & Mrs Jones,

Please see below. There are obvious concerns about dd's missed detention & I would like to request a meeting to discuss her behaviour'

Cc Ms Smith into forwarded email so she can see you are taking it all seriously.

Yes, she was less than polite (& complain about that separately to the HOD if you wish), but the big picture is dd behaving unacceptably.

Email trail ensure you have written evidence that a) you are not dismissing dd's poor behaviour & b) that school need to come up with strategies to address it - expecting you to haul a teenager back into school by the scruff of her neck isn't one.