To be a bit upset by this teacher

[processthewreckage]

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

Though upsetting the teacher being rude isn't the issue. What is an issue is that the school don't seem prepared to work with you to get your DD back under control. Their attitude is "you sort it out" rather than working together to find a solution. I would arrange a meeting with the school where you make it clear that you support the school in discipling your daughter but that you are unable to force her attend detention.

Hey even more typos!! Hell not he’ll! Anyway weak parents absolutely are spoiling schools up and down this country.

You need to set a united front with the teacher. If you are saying “I can’t do anything with her”, then the daughter has won. I find it astonishing jay you are wasting time finding fault with the teacher when you have lost control of your child. Take responsibility for this. The teacher is unlikely to have created a badly behaved child.

The teacher hardly said anything truly dreadful! "You'd better" sounds end of tether-ish.

I know about out-of-control teenagers - there was one in my family and she turned her parent's hair white. As a single parent it is very difficult as you have no back-up and as the OP observes, you can't physically move a teenager.

However, dissing the school/teachers is not helpful. Neither is "giving up". It would be better for the OP to throw herself on the school's mercy and ask to speak with the head of year about the dd's behaviour and how the school may help.

I'm fascinated by the people suggesting OP should make a complaint about the teacher and the way she was spoken to.

What is this thing about making complaints over every little word or look we receive that doesn't entirely meet with our preference? Don't things have to be a bit more major to warrant a complaint - which will then take up lots of lots of people's times - with what effect exactly? If you complained, what is it you hope to achieve? That the teacher is given a good telling off - would that make you feel better? Or is there something else you want done? What exactly would be the point of complaining about something like this?

I find that people speak in a tone or use words I'd probably rather not have pretty frequently. They are mannerless or they speak to me as if I'm stupid or a child, or are bossy. Sometimes the tone is simply stern or condescending or showing no consideration. Hey ho.....I can shrug my shoulders and move on, because I have. A sense of perspective that it's just not a big deal.

I find that people who want to make these kind of complaints are often one of several types; they lack perspective on things which matter and don't and regularly make complaints about all kinds of things, they are keen for other people to be faced with trouble, they are deflecting attention from something else, which perhaps they have some responsibility in.

There is a place for making a complaint. Of course there is. However, this doesn't strike me as one of them, in terms of what the teacher said or the context within which it was said.

One useful way to react when you feel annoyed like this and want to complain, is just to sleep on it and then in the cold light of day to think about whether there is actually something worth complaining about.

So your dd is rude and refuses to go to detention because she doesn’t like the teacher, you want to complain about the teacher??!!
If she refuses to go to a detention and won’t go because you tell her to, how the hell donyou think she does as she is told?!
Maybe try some discipline at home and stop blaming the teachers for being frustrated with brat children.

I would be pissed off at my daughter and the teacher. No need for rudeness.
And she could do with getting a bit of perspective....it’s a detention, not like she’s got heart surgery to perform!

I broadly agree, ChocolateWombat - teacher myself - but if I told a parent they'd 'better' physically return a bolshy teenager to school I would expect a complaint.

I probably wouldn't MAKE a complaint if one of my dc's teachers said this to me (not the important thing, plus I'd be too busy being pissed off with dc) but I would certainly think 'well that was rude & unhelpful'. It's not ideal!

I get the feeling that OP is a major facilitator of dds behaviour! The comment 'detention isn't a major issue in dds school' says it all! I really feel for teachers having to deal with these entitled and self absorbed parents.

Sorry, Thewomen, but we don't know that the teachers not part of the problem, not all of us are great teachers or even good people, you get all sorts in every profession sadly.

And some of us can't use apostrophes!

In reply to Chocolate's fascination, I levelly agree with your points but if I worded a comment to a large that way I could expect a complaint, that's all I'm saying - I'm trying to advise as I would if OP was a parent that was dissatisfied with a colleague. Maybe that's not helpful in the circumstances, it's all subjective I guess.

...I clearly can't post without at least one typo, I'm going to shut up now.

Excellent post, ChocolateWombat .

One shouldn't take nastiness on the chin, but it seems people now are ready to go into battle over any perceived slight. Just looking at TripAdvisor makes depressing reading - people demanding apologies from less-than-gushing hoteliers or asking for compensayshun.

We also don't know how the teacher in this post said "You'd better." It could be said in an exasperated fashion, menacingly or in a jokey sort of way. We only have the OP's interpretation.

I get that the OP is thoroughly fed up, but spending time dissecting the teacher's words and making the issue all about how the OP felt insulted is absolutely deflecting the real problem.

OP, I hope you can find a way to start talking to your DD again because it sounds like she could be dealing with a load of stuff she can't handle.

And don't be disheartened about boundaries not working. Just keep calmly applying them. Only make communication your focus, not behaviour management.

Take her phone away first. Second remove any money she has, including in a bank account. Forbid any outside activity except school- she leaves she comes home- nothing else. Remove all electricals from her, no tv no internet. You are the parent- parent.

This teacher obviously still cares and/or just doesn’t realise what the status quo is. I was a secondary school teacher for 25 years and eventually realised that setting detentiond or insisting on homework being done or uniform being correct was just a stick to beat myself with. Parents side with pupils and headteachers side with parents. Why do i as a humble classroom teacher do i need the hassle? Parents always want to send their children to schools that 8nsist on homework and uniform but in reality they want the rules to apply to other people‘s kids and not their own. It‘s a hard world out there, your boss won‘t think twice before he sends you home for wearing inappropriate clothing because he can easily replace you , a detention not set is one less thing to have to do in a busy school day and hey, i get paid anyway. Maybe explain to your kids that school isn‘t life and if they experience a few injustices at school, it‘s good pratice for the real world?

As a parent I would be unhappy. From a teaching point of view she may possibly let her frustrations get the better of her.

So if I told you guys that all 4 of his sociology classes failed, then tell me who the tool was.

Nope. Still not coming across as though the teacher was the tool.

Teachers have become power crazed, parent hating zealots. Why not give your daughter a lunch time detention? If the teachers don’t have enough authority to keep you child behind after school they shouldn’t be putting that on you. Have a meeting and remind teachers of their job, be confident and strong. Good luck.

Teachers have become power crazed, parent hating zealots

Someone has a chip on their shoulder.

If the teachers don’t have enough authority to keep you child behind after school they shouldn’t be putting that on you

Well the same in reverse then. If OP can't control her DD then why should it be put in the school.

Goodness.

My inner power crazed zealot never seems to get much opportunity to chuck her weight around in teaching. That's frankly hilarious!

I'm also struggling to keep up with the parent hating, what with being a parent.

Comedy gold .

I think you need to discover what is wrong with her. It sounds more than just the teenage years, she sounds like she is crying out for help! Has something happened to her? Is she going through something? If she won’t talk to you then maybe someone else at school or another relative? Maybe write a letter to her if she won’t listen to you telling how she is upsetting you and the worries you have make sure she knows she can tell you anything and you won’t judge or telll her off and you can help with anything!! People don’t behave like this for no reason!!!

Teachers should be polite and professional with parents but sometimes the younger teachers cannot cope. Don’t forget they have taught a full day before they detained your child. Also remember that your child has put them in detention too.

It sounds as if your DD is getting beyond control and you need to call in help from other adults to put some pressure on her. What about the child’s father and the school hierarchy? You can’t let your child get away with this defiance or it will be the thin end of the wedge.

The salient question is how old the DD is. If she is still in Year seven or eight a serious frightener might work. If she is older bring in the big guns but do not let her win.

Cbuss 1982 a bit of sense there thank goodness!