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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset by this teacher

361 replies

processthewreckage · 20/02/2018 17:04

Having a few problems with DD at the moment. I really am doing my best but it's not really getting us very far.

Her teacher rang today to say DD hadn't turned up for her detention. I apologised and the teacher said "well, sorry isn't good enough, you need to bring her back here."

I was honest and said I doubted I'd be able to do that. The response was that I'd better!

Inappropriate or AIBU?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/02/2018 06:28

It was rude ans the teacher may well be at the end of her tether with your dd. It sounds as though you are too. A conversation between 2 adults, who aren’t yet working together to solve the problem isn’t going to be an easy one.

I’d be making an appointment to see the SLT at the school.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 21/02/2018 06:34

Completely agreeing you were both u. You more so perhaps. As a mum you need to be the driving force behind this.

Forget being upset the teacher didn't handle you with kids gloves. The problem is your daughter.

shakesbeer · 21/02/2018 06:37

I think a lot of people on this thread have completely forgotten what it's like to be a teenager.

We don't know the full background of OP and her daughter. But from a personal perspective- I was a freaking nightmare at 15 because I was miserable. I'd had to change schools at the end of year 9 due to the school I'd been at since nursery and loved closing down. None of the teachers at my new school seemed to acknowledge what a horrible situation it all was for me.
I found myself constantly in trouble with one teacher in particular. We hated each other to put it lightly. But not once did anyone stop and think "well she doesn't behave this way with any other teachers in the school, and we had a glowing report from her previous school so surely there's a reason she's acting out here for this particular teacher."

Yes of course she should be respecting authority and going to her detention. But come on she's a 15 year old who sounds like she's going through some shit as a lot of teenagers do and maybe needs some of her teachers to check in on her and see everything's ok rather than throwing detentions left right and centre which clearly don't seem to be working and then being dreadfully rude to her mother. God I worry for some of your children when they reach these difficult years.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 21/02/2018 06:37

I’m not sure how you were suppose to bring her back. It’s wasting everyone’s time. How about she just says she must attend the detention a different day.
I remember when I was in year 10i was studying sociology and my teacher who was also my RE teacher was a complete tool. He called my house one day and I answered the phone, he asked to speak to my mum. I told him she was in the bath. She wasn’t really she was downstairs watching tv
He says “ I’ll speak with you whilst your not distracted with your friends” I said I’d rather not. then goes on to say how I’m very bright and il letting my future slip away. I told him sociology was boring and I wish I’d never taken it. And that I’m above average in the subjects I need to be in. He then says we are just going around in circles, so I said well your starting it and I’ll finish it perfect circle... and then put the phone down. Some teachers are really petty and jus like to give detention to assert power. I would happily go to a detention for a teacher I had more respect for.
If the teacher acts like that with you imagine what’s she’s like with the kids. She sounds very condescending.... a trait I hate with a vengeance

FlightStrike · 21/02/2018 06:39

OP didn't ask for parenting advice she asked whether she was unreasonable in her reaction to a teacher's behaviour. This doesn't imply that's a more important issue to her than her child's behaviour, it implies it's the issue she's more uncertain about.

Regarding her child's behaviour she clearly recognises the issue, had adopted a strategy (and, despite the chorus on this thread there's plenty of evidence that escalating scorched earth punishment tactics with teens make things worse, not better). She isn't asking for advice on it.

The teacher's attitude was unhelpful of perhaps understandable, but she shouldn't take it out on you when you're trying to engage in the conversation and with the school. Working with the school is, after all, something you cannot do if you're not being honest about what will work with her and they're not offering suggestions beyond "physically force her attendance or else".

Mistressiggi · 21/02/2018 06:39

If I set a detention I have to swap childcare pick ups round with my dh to accommodate this - to do this and then have a no-show is very annoying (and you’d then be expected to provide another night to rearrange).

Sostenueto · 21/02/2018 06:40

One way to instil discipline in a cool calm way is....
From an early age if your child is not behaving or not doing what you want

  1. Tell the child to behave
  2. Explain why they must comply.
  3. Warn them that if they continue you will follow a course of action ( naughty step, take away favourite toy, no treats etc whatever consequence works best)
  4. Be utterly cool calm and collected and DO what you said you will do. Never, ever, not do what you threaten. No matter how much the child gets upset. You must carry it out even though it upsets you too.
  5. Stick to this formula, shouting and hollering do not work as it becomes background music to the DC.
Hopefully depending on how stubborn child is this will work rapidly and need not to be repeated very often. And always tell your child you love them and care about them and hopefully you may never have to be hard on them.
Sostenueto · 21/02/2018 06:46

Putting my last pennyworth in. The detention seems to me not the main concern. I would be more concerned about appearance of a phone from nowhere, not knowing where or what DC is doing, why she don't confide in op. As I said way back more grte than meets the eye.
Good luck op hope all turns out well and you find a solution.

Pengggwn · 21/02/2018 06:54

I have no idea why people are saying the teacher threatened the OP?

Pengggwn · 21/02/2018 06:55

Sophisticatedsarcasm

I know we all do stupid things as teens but it's odd to sound so proud of them when you're grown up.

C0untDucku1a · 21/02/2018 07:00

sophisticatedsarcasm you have just described an arrogant teenager, not a fool of a teacher. The teacher did absolutely nothing wrong in that story. He was clearly trying to help you. You, on the other hand...!

BoneyBackJefferson · 21/02/2018 07:03

Sophisticatedsarcasm

Interesting that he was the tool, yet had to put up with your attitude.

DumbledoresApprentice · 21/02/2018 07:03

Sophisticated- you think that it’s the sociology teacher that comes out of that story looking like a “complete tool”? Shock

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/02/2018 07:04

Yes, Sophisticatedsarcasm - not sure what the point of your story was? To show that yes, teenagers can be rude little brats who have no manners and - what? That’s OK?

Definitely not the teacher who comes across as a tool in that exchange anyway...

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/02/2018 07:05

X-post with everyone else!

Labradoodliedoodoo · 21/02/2018 07:07

Awful rude teacher. Treating you like a naughty child.

Your best bet is getting to the route of the problem and making her feel listened to and well loved regardless of her actions. Your best bet is positively and constructively helping her reflect on her actions and their natural consequences with an eye on long term impact.

DarthNigel · 21/02/2018 07:10

I was your daughter op. And in my case nothing worked. Not parental
Sanctions, (just made me see my parents as the enemy and I really just didn't care), not them being nicer about things and trying to spend time with me (I didn't want to spend time with them), nothing.
What pulled me round was getting in a bit of trouble myself and realising that my truly awful boyfriend was doing me no good. It took me two years for the penny to drop.
I was lucky in a way that it didn't go the other way as things could have been worse.
The one thing I would say is that when I did need help from my Mum (when it all came to fruition) she didn't give it. That's had a lasting negative effect on our relationship. I can see why she didn't feel able to support me after I'd given her a rough few years but that's with adult hindsight. As a scared 17 year old I just felt abandoned and that's coloured our relationship ever since.
I hear you when you say sanctions won't work-the best thing you can do is try and keep communicating with her and try to keep giving her some boundaries ( these dont have to be draconian but if you can get her to see they are for her own safety? Can you still talk to her at all? Are there ever calm moments?). And don't give up on her even when it's bloody hard which I know it can be.
In my case my behaviour was down to a boy.That was it. I had lovely friends and a materially nice upbringing. My parents could have been physically around more because they both worked but they had to financially so... I met a lad a bit older than me and that was that- almost overnight-like a sort of madness really... so what you've said does resonate with that.

QueenB14 · 21/02/2018 07:10

sophisticated did your mum hear that conversation and ask who it was??

Garmadonsmum · 21/02/2018 07:15

And sophisticated is the sad proof that not all teenagers grow out of it...

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2018 07:18

@Sophisticatedsarcasm it wasn't the teacher who was a complete tool in your example....

Butteredparsn1ps · 21/02/2018 07:23

This situation re the detention doesn't need any scorched earth response.

The School will almost certainly have escalation measures in their discipline policy. It is possible to back the school up without spoiling the relationship with the child.

Mum needs to let go of her attitude towards the Teacher. As I said upthread, though rude, Teacher isn't the problem.

OP if you are still reading, be clear with DD that you support the School in their sanctions. You can do this calmly - it's not personal - it's a policy. Remind DD, as unemotionally as possible, that actions have consequences.

Now she is growing up, she has choices. Help her to make better ones. She might not act like she needs you to be her Mum, but she actually needs you more than ever.

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2018 08:29

It's interesting that you think it was your mum's behaviour not your own that cast a lasting negative effect on your relationship with your mum DarthNigel. Do you think she feels the same way?

Eolian · 21/02/2018 08:32

Anyone who thinks that teachers spend their limited and precious time setting detentions for no reason other than that they are a 'tool' or on a 'power trip' must be of very limited intelligence. There is nothing that feels remotely 'powerful' about imposing minor and perfectly reasonable sanctions on surly teenagers, I assure you.

Teachers set detentions because:
a) it is school policy
b) they need to be consistent
c) there are students who need to catch up with work
d) poor behaviour needs consequences
e) the teacher's job and pay depends on getting predicted results out of kids who often don't give a shit - the teacher needs to do something to get work out of them, when kindness, enthusiasm and endless hours of preparing engaging lessons fails to do so.

flobella · 21/02/2018 08:39

Well said @Eolian!

ChocolateCoveredPringle · 21/02/2018 08:41

Teachers simply do not get paid enough to have to mop up the consequences of such appallingly slack and ineffectual parenting. OP, you should be ashamed of yourself. Learn how to parent your child, for god's sake.