To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

[JustWondering1234]

I’m struggling to see how this works. I think it’d put a lot of stress on the whole family including the kids and I think we’re underestimating all the things that a SAHP does to keep the family happy. I can see it working if one parent was part-time or at a minimum one parent has a less demanding job (very flexible, no overtime, no currently looking for promotion etc etc). But both working full-time and aiming to further their career sounds impossible without home life becoming unhappy. Doesn’t something have to give? If you’ve done it, how did you do it? What tips do you have? What worked well, what didn’t work well?

Or do you wait until the kids r a bit older? If so what age?

Well there is this wonderful person called a nanny.

we tried it - it was incredibly expensive and ended up not being very reliable. No childcare solution is perfect.

It's possible. We have done it. But our family is more relaxed while I'm a SAHP

Think it depends what you mean by demanding FT rolls. DH and I run our own company, have 2 x DC 15 months apart, and live no where near any family. DH parents have had our kids who are now 9+10 once overnight and they live an hour away. My MD and DF are amazing but live 4 hours away, so when kids were too little to go to nannys house for a week over half term, it was tough.

I imagine if you were doctors, solicitors, FDs of a FTSE 100 it would be impossible. But we are alway busy and always work FT. Difference is, no one is "in charge" of me and I dont have to answer to any one.

We work from home and DC primary school is 300m from my house. DD was ill yesterday at school and I got a call to collect. 5 minutes later I had her with me and she spent the afternoon in my bed in the house or on my sofa in my office.

So it can work, but I think you either have to pay for childcare / nanny / aupair or work for yourself. And ultimately my DH and I have the same attitude that we all pull together and if its a choice between work or kid, our kids always win.

When they were really little we would pick them up from childminder at 3.30 pm and when we had put them to bed, we would go back to work in our office with the baby monitor until 10/11 pm at night sometimes.

We also have thins like phone answering service company, who deal with all our calls, text us emergencies, etc so even if we are cooking kids breakfast we can still deal with an emergency. So being really organised helps no end.

Depends on the job. Both our jobs required hours which did not fit in the 8 - 6 nursery schedule plus involved international travel and working regularly away from home during the week. We realised that we either employed a live in nanny or one of us had to take a step back in their career (or don't bother with starting a family!).

Boarding school is an option when they get older. I just couldn't bring myself to do that when we didn't need to so I became a SAHM in my mid thirties.

I feel knackered reading about how much some of you fit in. I know if I was running at that place all the time I'd be biting everyone's head off all. I have a 1 year old and 4 year old and would love to go back to work. I can see it's feasible but I'm not sure how enjoyable it would be. My kids need me and I want to enjoy and experience that for the short time it lasts. I hope I don't pay for that too much with my career further down the line. I loved my job before I gave it up for the kids but I struggled so hard to have my kids I want to savour the experience of motherhood that I nearly didn't get.

I don't think it is. I think one parent's job has to be "just a job", where they're not putting in overtime or working on the weekends or aiming for a promotion. I took on that role when we had DD.

Shout out to the single parents. I did it with pre schooler. No One to share drop offs and pick ups. No one else to shop cook clean. Put to bed, read, listen look after sick children, doctors etc etc. Never went on holiday as holidays weee used up for all this stuff.
Sometimes working mums would annoy me 'being in the same boat' but telling me oh I come in 15 minutes late too but I make it up when hubby does collection. Ok - so I can't do that (thinking of one person in particular who constantly questioned my commitment and a dickhead hr manager who told me!we have lots of working parents who have to cope... I was the only single working parent in the company at the time. I coped but just about.

I think one parent's job has to be "just a job", where they're not putting in overtime or working on the weekends or aiming for a promotion.

We took it in turns to prioritise career, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

OP - I think you're assuming that it is 'fun' or 'easier' to stay at home. Staying at home with young kids is boring as hell and hard hard work. To swap a job you like for that is one hell of a sacrifice.

Having young kids is always demanding and personally I don't think one of you being at home really changes that.

Someone mentioned career tortoise vs career hare upthread - that's what worked for us as a family.
Each of us could have progressed faster if we'd focussed on one, but both of us progressed, albeit slower, by taking turns to prioritise.

I had full time job and dh on full time shifts.
So i did kids up, breakfast, childcare drop off, full day at work home, pickup kids home tea and bath. This was in the 90s Never crossed my mind to not work, wirk was what people did ! I think mums now are more aware of their choices than i was.

I think most people get a nanny, frankly.

Hahahaha seriously...? You must mix in different circles to me

We both work FT OP but we are in the jobs that we are in because they offer flexibility, enough money and aren't too onerous so both of our careers have been maintained but negatively impacted. I am kind of with you but I guess really high earners could get a nanny, I think personally that most people can't afford it however, at least in my world. But on MN things are different and a 'good wage' is 100k+ I guess.

Delighted to cause such amusement, shimmer.

Yes, seriously. The couples I know which fit the profile described in the OP are typically high earners with two six-figure salaries coming in. It doesn’t always equate to happiness and many of them are learning that there are some problems you can’t throw money at but they inevitably buy in a lot of help.

I completely accept that this isn’t an option for most people in the country, but OP was asking for specific experiences and I answered her from my knowledge of people in that situation.

I am a lone parent with no support, full custody and I work full-time in a professional level job with an hour's commute. Have done since my daughter was under 1, she's now 4. It is possible. I have to accept some things like my house being in a complete state by the weekend as I just focus on getting us to/from work and nursery. It has definitely taken it's toll at times so not saying it is easy. The hardest part is arriving home where there is never anyone to ask 'how was your day' and offload to.

My employer can be flexible when I need it which helps. Perhaps it depends on the job.

I think the point is that most people with demanding jobs don't earn 100k+. As I said you move in different circles to me and most other people.

You’re absolutely right, shimmer.

It is worth noting as a quick final point that although nannies are obviously very expensive, compared to the fees at central London day nurseries a nanny is a fairly attractive option if you have two or more preschoolers. Even with one child a nanny share with another family prices up quite favourably compared to fees at some nurseries.

YABU to say pre-school - in my experience this only gets harder when the kids start school. I have one at secondary now and whilst he’s physically capable of coming home by himself and being alone in the house he would still really struggle to be alone until 6pm or later, and wouldn’t be able to get to all his activities. Granted it’s a lot easier than having a 5 year old, but still hard going sometimes.

I do think northstar that if both parents work FT you have fewer activities during the week and instead end up with a full Saturday. The biggest issue once they are at school is the holidays I think. It's also one of the reasons I'm stuck in my current job as I can take leave (and add on parental leave) when I like.