To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

[JustWondering1234]

I’m struggling to see how this works. I think it’d put a lot of stress on the whole family including the kids and I think we’re underestimating all the things that a SAHP does to keep the family happy. I can see it working if one parent was part-time or at a minimum one parent has a less demanding job (very flexible, no overtime, no currently looking for promotion etc etc). But both working full-time and aiming to further their career sounds impossible without home life becoming unhappy. Doesn’t something have to give? If you’ve done it, how did you do it? What tips do you have? What worked well, what didn’t work well?

Or do you wait until the kids r a bit older? If so what age?

Justwondering1,2,3,4 I changed career to gain flexibility. Initially I took quite a pay cut but now earn more than I was on before. Is that not an option?

What do you do?

I think it could work if you can afford a live in nanny or an au pair. But she’d need to be flexible if the parents are prone to working late and the like. If you’re leaving pre school age children in the care of a full time career all week, I’d have to question why even bother to have them. Not in a bitchy way, but in a Some women are career women and we don’t all have a parent on hand able to do school runs kind of way.
I went back to full time work when my youngest was three, I felt she was too young to leave but her useless father was out of work so I had to return to my job, luckily I have skills and that meant the mortgage was paid.

Me and all my friends are parents working full time plus my DSis, share the pick up/drop off responsibilities, use good child care (I used a combo of nursery and nanny pre school), batch cook and don't be afraid of popping out for the odd mid week tea in a local cheap eatery if things are getting you down or you haven't got a quick dinner to prepare. Weekly cleaner.

Also consider a role where working from home is an option, you get a lot more done in the time rather then commuting.

Of course its possible. Thousands of people do it!

I'm a single Mum and manage it. Pre school is the easy bit!!!

We manage to do this. I drop DS off at nursery at 8am (DH goes to work early), DH collects at 6pm (I'm usually home by 6.45pm and spend an hour with DS before he goes to bed). It helps that DS is a good sleeper so we can work in the evenings after dinner if needed. We try not to work at weekends unless absolutely necessary.

In terms of housework, We do a load of laundry every weeknight, but not much at the weekend. DS still has a 2 hour nap each afternoon so we tend to go swimming/park etc on Sat morning, then home for a nap whist DH and I whip round the whole house and clean floors/bathrooms etc. Sundays are free to do whatever we like as a family and Sunday evenings i sort out all clothes etc and plan quick meals/do an online shop for the week ahead.

It's possible - I'm not sure it's desirable though, after doing it for 7 years. I don't think it gets easier - physically less demanding, emotionally and admin work wise, no.

I'd say it's harder at school - DD was too young to ask me why so and so's mum picked her up earlier or why person y was only at nursery 2 days per week etc when she was preschool age.

2 people doing very hard, long hours jobs involving travel and minus involved grandparents? We've tried it, and in retrospect, I wouldn't do it again.

It does depend, like everything on job flexibility and how much non-parent family back-up you've got.

On the whole though, YANBU.

Agree that people who are saying it works for them then say that they can work flexibly or from home. Many jobs you can't work from home, or you have a long commute, or you have no routine at all.

Old school friend of mine is at very top of tree, and she said she actively sought out a dh who could have a home-based career (architect). I was not so sensible and dh doesn't know what he's doing from one minute to the next, let alone being able to plan to attend a school concert three weeks hence.

I think unless both partners are on the same page, and you can comfortably afford a nanny and other support (cleaner etc) then the game's not worth the candle.

The worst offenders of "anyone can do it" imo are the people with a lot of family support, eg the woman up the road who said, "I couldn't let my brain rot," to me sneeringly when I "confessed" I was a SAHM. Her dm arrives every day at 7am and sits in the house all day until 8pm.

We did it with a nanny, and during the times that work was very intensive a cleaner too and some ad hoc help with our pets. We needed a nanny when the children were little, then she became our childminder when they were both at school, this worked well as she got married and had her own children before she stopped having them aged 11 & 8. After that we managed with after school club and a student teacher in the holidays, and for one last year an au pair.
I think the way we lived through these very difficult years was to ensure that apart from my work commitments some weekends we kept all the weekend time free for us as a family.

It’s doable but good help really is worth its weight in gold! We don’t have a nanny but the most wonderful fabulous person who comes in twice a week to take care of the house/ laundry etc. We have a good nursery and choose to live pretty centrally (so trade off buying the big house for a short commute). Are jobs aren’t flexible per se but we are lucky that nothing really gets going in mine till 10am-ish, but I tend to have a lot of evening work, while DH has to be there at the crack of dawn but can usually get away by 5.30ish. So just luck on our part but it works out. Having said all that tho... I do often feel like I’ve already completed a small triathlon by the time I sit down at my desk in the morning!

Tbh I think the people who have it hardest are not the ones with long, demanding hours in well paid jobs, but the shift workers on average pay. How they manage childcare is beyond me, hats off to them.

I had it earnestly explained by a partner in my old law firm that it was of course possible to do this the answer is a day nanny and a night nanny to cover both shifts. DH and I jacked in our jobs at that firm and left London. Didn't fancy his solution!

Lol, Kerala, I can't blame you. That's taking it a step too far

Work flexibility is definitely key I think. DP and I both work in IT so although we have times when we're client or office based the majority is home based. In fact quite a lot is actually better done in the evenings or weekends. I also manage my diary and the projects I take on with half an eye on childcare at all times.

I've known several full time working parents drop to part time, or become SAHP for a few years, when their children have got to secondary as they've found it impossible to get them to the various extra curricular activities otherwise.

I find holidays difficult to service though as DC don't enjoy holiday clubs much so I try to limit them to just a couple of days a week if possible. A "summer holiday Nanny" would suit us really well!

I quit when DS2 started school. We'd juggled it til then.
Low points: kids actually had no-one within 200 miles. I was abroad with work. DH dropped them at nursery, and jumped on the train to London (250 miles away). My Mum was driving over at lunch time.
Or me in the ambulance with the blue lights going on way to A&E, desperately trying to sort childcare for DS2 until Mum could drive up. And constantly telling the Doctors that yes, DH was in the pucture, and no i hadnt told him where we were, as it was 18 hrs away, and could do nothing until we knew what we were facing.

It was hard, my awesome Mum filled in some big holes, even though she wasn't close by. But school was the last straw. Homework, inset days with short notice, holiday clubs to find and apply for spaces, assemblies, mums craft mornings, mothers day tea parties, random costumes at 3 days notice.
Without an amazing network of back up, it is all on a tight rope, just waiting for the curve ball to send everything crashing to the ground. Sorry. Something does have to give.

So much easier when they are little! It's worse when they start school!

It depends.

We had no family help, no wrap around childcare available at all and hiring a nanny would have wiped out one wage with the tax implications in our country. I dropped to 80% and it’s just about doable. But even then it’s a juggling act with timings, drop offs etc. It works when everyone is well. When anyone is sick it all goes to hell.

It’s annoying because it just entrenches the usual sexist crap. Dh and I try to be as equal as we can but as soon as I told my work I was pregnant they started to sideline me, while he got promoted. The gap widened over maternity leave and so now I’m firmly on the mummy track. Infuriating.

It can work, op but you need to have solid cover for pick ups, drop offs, sick days etc.

School is harder! - the day is 9-3.15. Plus loads of logistics either side of that (reading, homework, activities, stuff the school wants, playdates...). Get an au pair or a nanny.

It's fine - we do it and have AMAZING weekend family time as we can afford it as we both work. You have to be very motivated and disciplined to make it happen. Husband commutes so I have to do all pick ups, drop offs etc as well as working full time. One DS in reception, another at a CM.

sandland the time my DH and 2 2DC got D&V whilst I was away for work was a low point for us -'luckily' it was only 24 hours before I got back. Then the time DC2 got chicken pox and DC1 had a bowel impaction whilst my DH was away for 2 weeks in the US.

And that feeling of always being one step away from disaster is very stressful in itself.

Agree re wraparound - mine HATE wraparound and holiday clubs - the older they get, the more fed up they've gotten with being in childcare when a lot of their friends aren't.

I think it's very hard to do without flexible jobs and plenty of money for childcare and domestic help.

It's nothing to do with just being organised

We couldn't make it work, I became a sahm for a while and then took on a job way back down the ladder and on a casual basis.

I also think there's no shame in saying, actually this isn't what we want for our family life. For every parent that's happy to use childcare 7.30-6.00 each day there'll be one that isn't and that's fine too.

It’s hard when you don’t have family around to cover the gaps, e.g. when children are ill. That said , I agree with previous posters in that it’s actually easier when they are 8-6 in nursery - it gets much tougher when they start school.

It was actually older DC starting school that led to me giving up work - there was no after school care at the time, her nursery didn’t do school runs, and we just didn’t have the backup support needed to rely on a childminder. I was a SAHM for a while, then went back part time. Becomes easier once children are old enough to get home from school and be in the house alone, but sports/ clubs etc out of school often need a parent around, especially if public transport is poor.

Def more stressful and complicated with multiple DC at school with all the events, homework, school holidays and social stuff. I found it even harder when mine started secondary school keeping on top of whether they were OK (socially/mentally), homework, clubs and just where the hell they were!

The nursery days were a piece of piss in comparison.

I did it whilst my two eldest were small. DH worked away mon-Friday and some weekends. I worked usually 7am - 5pm mon-fri, some weekends and a late shift 1-2 times per week.
I gave it up when we had dc3 because the childcare became unaffordable.
Doable, but I felt like I hardly seen my children. I’m a sahm now, and in some ways I miss it.