To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

[JustWondering1234]

I’m struggling to see how this works. I think it’d put a lot of stress on the whole family including the kids and I think we’re underestimating all the things that a SAHP does to keep the family happy. I can see it working if one parent was part-time or at a minimum one parent has a less demanding job (very flexible, no overtime, no currently looking for promotion etc etc). But both working full-time and aiming to further their career sounds impossible without home life becoming unhappy. Doesn’t something have to give? If you’ve done it, how did you do it? What tips do you have? What worked well, what didn’t work well?

Or do you wait until the kids r a bit older? If so what age?

We did it and have 5 DC’s , but then we worked on opposite teams , on 12 hours shifts , so basically one of us was always working , 365 days a year . Handover days were a bit grim - one would leave work at 3am , get home at 0450, throw the car keys to the other one , who would then blat to the train station , get the 5am train in for 7am start , while the other one would grab 2 hours sleep , do the school run, get back for 9, go back t9 bed and get up again to collect from nursery . But we did it for about 7 years and survived . Just .

Agree it gets much harder when they start school. They realise that not everyone goes to after school club / childminder and start moaning about it. They get invited to play dates after school and you might not ever be able to reciprocate. They start more evening activities like brownies, football, swimming, whatever they are in to. And there is constant homework, reading, learning spellings, costumes, slips to fill in and money to send in for trips or charity donations. Assemblies, times when school is open early morning or at the end of the day for you to go and look at their work, parents evenings (which aren't actually in the evening), school discos, remembering to take in wellies on a certain day, silly socks day, silly hair day, world book day costume etc. And all the parties and presents. It's great because they are growing but there is a lot more to organise. Young primary school kids are no help with any of this stuff.

I look back on the nursery days now with misty eyed nostalgia at how damn easy it was to drop them off at 8am, knowing that everything was there for them, and pick them up at 6pm.

No assemblies to attend. No art shows / reading groups / special visitors. No fancy dress to assemble, or mufti (plus money) to find. No swim kit / PE kit / packed lunch just this once because of a school trip.

Bliss! Expensive, but bliss!

Oh, and nursery is open 51 weeks a year! So no patching together a couple of weeks holiday club here, staying with a grandparent there, family vacation there, and hoping that something will come through for the rest of the time over summer (or polling days, or inset days, or strikes, or other random school closure)

I suffer from depression which is largely under control now but that started at that time and I am it sure was triggered from years of sheer exhaustion and constant stress. I look back now and wonder how it all got done

This really stuck out for me. Of course it's possible but at a big cost in my experience. I've just returned to full time work with 2 dc in primary. It's so hard. I'm exhausted. It's a hamster wheel. It just keeps going g rou d and round. Work, home, sleep, repeat. Kids moaning about wraparound. Dh moaning as I can't keep awake past 8pm. My anxiety is through the roof trying to juggle it all. I think part time would provide a good balance but these jobs are hard to find. Obviously the money has been great but we're not earning enough for cleaners and nannies.

we never know whether holiday club is really going to run, as they cancel at short notice if they don't get enough interest, which is super duper fun and leads to lots of arguments about who's job is getting screwed over in that eventuality. Plus all the days the holiday clubs are NOT open for.

It's tough, but it's not impossible, loads of people do it and most of them don't have nannies.

Leaving for pick up but then having to log on after kids go to bed. Both permanently knackered. Never really seeing your other half or when you do not having the energy to engage. It sucks on a number of levels.

I agree nursery is easier than school.

canwejust my advice would be to try and get yourself into a good position with your employer, and then ask for flexibility: wfh 1 day a week, every other friday off (make hours up earlier in the week) or every friday pm off. Something like that to help.

Italianherbgarden thanks. Next month im entitled to submit a flexible working request which I will be doing. I don't think it will be approved. I hate my job, maybe that's why it's all uber stressful. Having no cash is stressful too though.

To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

This is what child minders are for. Life is much easier. I never understand the fraughtness of it all. There is no housework as you are all out all day. Other than a load of laundry and popping some dishes in a dishwasher of an evening.

When they start school on the otherhand and you are juggling all that political playground malarky; your weekends disappear in a whirl of knee high parties and curly sandwiches, ferrying to and from activities

It sounds hard and stressful but people do manage.. what I'm learning is that there are all kinds of people in this world, some who fit so much in a day and have endless energy, and some like me who count small household tasks and basic activities with the kids as major wins

canwejust if they turn the request down, try and negotiate fulltime flexibility along the lines I said, i found it helped a lot to get to friday afternoon and know there's a bit of extra time to get stuff done/do a pick up on the friday etc, so go into the meeting where you expect it to be turned down with alternative suggestions.

canwejust one other idea - a friend moved her work hours so that she put her DC in breakfast club, and picked them up earlier - might be worth considering whether you can change the hours you're doing at all, consider splitting the shift so you do a couple from home after bedtime, or juggle it with DH so that you both work different hours on some days so that you can pick them up a bit earlier.

If you have to both do FT jobs (and we do) you need to put a lot of thought into the maximum wiggle room possible to make life as nice as possible for everyone.

A lot of firms will say a flat no to PT, but going home early on friday pm or WFH on fridays is on the other hand widely done.

My family did it and home life was fine. Wow, we even had a home cooked meal in the evenings!

The answer is CMs, nannies or au-pairs. Someone to do the school run. My mum even did her phD in the evenings while working FT, when my brother was 3 - and we haven't turned out as sociopaths.

Of course people can bloody do it. Maybe YOU can't, but others can.

School is much harder. I was lucky enough in that my employer covered the costs of a nanny (3dc, one disabled who couldn’t access regular childcare). A nanny was the only option really.
After the nanny, at one point all three kids were in different settings, so it took me over an hour to do the drop-offs, then I had to drive to dh’s work to switch cars, so that he could do the collections at the other end of the day (which were also three different settings, but different to the morning because after school care).
Pre-schoolers are a piece of cake. One setting. Easy life.
A lot of the teachers I know have to give up work when their kids reach school age for this reason - after school care is a glorious pita.

One thing to bear in mind is that the housework is reduced when you’re all out of the house every weekday. And most of the people who do so probably don’t have MN-like habits of hoovering at least twice a day, changing the bed sheets daily and so on.

Very possible, just needs good organisation and our reliable and reasonably flexible childminder. Oldest is 5, youngest 1. i took 4 months maternity leave for oldest, 6 months for the youngest (1 year would be end of career for me).

It is possible but it takes planning, good childcare and determination that is worth it. It helps to have a flexible employer and be able to WFH a bit but it's all give and take.

I buy-in help where I can and I miss as many things as I attend at school (there's only so many 2.30pm week day workshops that you can do) and my house mostly looks like we've been burgled

I think it’s possible but I’d question how much quality time the children spend with their parents. I’m not talking about people who don’t have a choice when it comes to working long hours, but it is a choice for both parents to opt for senior, time consuming, highly paid roles because both want to further their careers and neither is willing to drop that for a few years. All down to personal preferences, I guess.

We have no family support whatsoever, and it still works. just needs to be organised and planned.

posted too early: my husband spends 1.5 hours quality time with the kids in the morning, i spend the same amount in the evening. Housework gets done once they are in bed, or together. Weekends are spend with the kids. i don't think most sahp spend more quality time with their children

It's not all down to organisation and planning. Plenty of jobs require shift work/ unsociable hours when there is no childcare available.

@sprinklestar, but careers are often not a thing you drop and "pick up" years later. There'll be a lot of retraining and relearning or even demotion.

Plenty of childminders cover shifts/unsociable hours. We just moved to be closed to one (and close to a school with good afterschool club). Took a lot of organizing and we live in a way smaller house than otherwise, but it was organized before we had our first child.

If my husband or i drop our careers, we would be back waiting tables or cleaning - some careers can't becdropped without severe issues (nothing wrong with being a waiter or cleaner, but not what i studied for!)