To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

[JustWondering1234]

I’m struggling to see how this works. I think it’d put a lot of stress on the whole family including the kids and I think we’re underestimating all the things that a SAHP does to keep the family happy. I can see it working if one parent was part-time or at a minimum one parent has a less demanding job (very flexible, no overtime, no currently looking for promotion etc etc). But both working full-time and aiming to further their career sounds impossible without home life becoming unhappy. Doesn’t something have to give? If you’ve done it, how did you do it? What tips do you have? What worked well, what didn’t work well?

Or do you wait until the kids r a bit older? If so what age?

Yolo - I know. There’s no easy answer. Personally, I wanted to be at home whilst mine were little, so had a corporate career pre DC and have since retrained to do something more family friendly. That obviously comes at a price. I wouldn’t change it though - you can’t get back the early years and there’s so much research to show that the first five years of a child’s life are critical to future happiness, relationships, success etc. I know that the time I have spent with my DC has been much better for them than snatched moments at the ends off each day.

*of

I'm yet to meet a childminder that works nights or offers variable days in line with a shift pattern. Not saying there aren't any of course but definitely none within an hour commute from where I live.

some people can though - personally, I find life is all about the planning and making good choices that enable you to have/build flexibility and anticipate challenges.

I've turned down a promotion and still have options, you can be a good enough employee and keep your powder dry for times where you feel able to step up though.

It's much easier when they're in nursery as opposed to when they get to school.

A nanny will keep you sane in the early years but as the DC get older it's less a attractive to them

We have 2, three years between them (now nearly 13 & 16)
We both worked full time, no flexible working option (both in forces), no family support.

We used ft nursery from 6 months, then the nursery also had before & after school club once they were at school.
Once they left primary they became latch key kids (were both totally ok with this - they were trustworthy & sensible & the school is walking distance).

We used to coordinate our leave from work so that we overlapped by a couple of days in the shorter school holidays, and overlapped by a week in the summer holidays (agree with previous posters that it's trickier when they're at school than when they're in nursery)
When the kids were ill, we split the time off or shifted our working hours for those days (for eg - one of us did from app 5 til 12, and the other did 1 til 8).

We were lucky that we didn't have a commute though - we dropped off at 0745 for an 8 start at work, and picked up by quarter past 5 usually.

We had plenty time for family stuff & whilst it was a constant juggle (looking back), at the time it was just our normal.

It sounds like it’s doable with flexibility and a good nanny. But a lot of people are talking about ‘doing’ it, ‘managing’, ‘juggling’. Are/Did you enjoying it? Financially we could get away with 1 of us not working but neither of us really wants to leave work. If we’re going to be exhausted and not enjoying life/family it may be better if we sacrifice one job for the sake of the happiness of everyone though.

My kids are 10 & 13 I am still a SAHP

no options for pt work just? You could try it and see how it goes - as you can see on this thread, some people can deal and be happy with higher levels of pressure than others, some DC don't mind holiday/asc/care by others as much etc.

You don't know exactly what issues you'll face until you get there - but this thread has a lot of the issues you may well face.

I agree about it being easier than when they are at school. I have a big age gap between mine so that’s kept the cost of wrap around care just about manageable. We also both work compressed hours and do some working from home.

And yes I’d say I enjoy it. No way would I want to not work. And the youngest in particular really loves nursery. Bigger one less keen on school, but that would be the case regardless!

I wouldn't attempt it without a professional/trusted nanny.

Personally, I wouldn't attempt it with pre-schoolers in any case, but I know some people who've done it well (with a nanny).

a lot of people are talking about ‘doing’ it, ‘managing’, ‘juggling’. Are/Did you enjoying it?

Yes.

I had a good laugh at work, and was able to move up the career/earning ladder alongside my husband.
For me, working gave me social & financial independence & I was happier than I would have been as a SAHM.

Home life was good too - loads of family time & shared moments.

If I had my time again, I'd do exactly the same.

We do it with the help of an amazing childminder who comes to us. Ds are 7.5 and 4 now and it's getting easier. It's still very busy but we both have very good jobs we like and I would struggle to get a similar job in my field later if I left..
Hands on partner, reliable semi flexible childcare and it can be done.

Faith when you say you had loads of family time how did you manage it? Honesty not trying to be goady! My friends who had two demanding ft careers and no family help essentially left the house and commuted with their dc to nursery, dropped off at 7.30-45 (to be at their desks by 8)then went and picked them up at 6, followed by the commute home during which they tried but ultimately failed to keep their dc awake. They often transferred them from the car to bed. They had really limited time together during the week at pre school age.

I have found the mental demands more as they have got older.

We have no family support & I wanted to be available for kids.

Its not easy & I think it depends on the family life you want & the relationship you have with your kids.

DH worked away for five years which made it difficult to return to work without stressing myself out 😊

@InDubiousBattle - I said in an earlier post (it was further back - not berating you for not spotting it!) - we were both in the forces so were lucky to not have a commute at all, we lived right on the doorstep of where we worked, and the nursery was right next to camp too.

A long commute would have made a massive difference to how much time we had in the evenings, but we were able to pick up by half 5 latest so had a couple of hours every evening before the kids went to bed; also weekends were free for both of us too.

DH and I do this. He works full time and I work compressed hours in 4 days so I get a day with DS (3) and DD (11 months). DM has them one day a week and they're in Nursery 3 days. Our Nursery is on our doorstep and each of us has a commute of one hour.

The only way it's doable is because our employers are flexible. We both work from home a lot and take it in turns to work late or start early etc. If we had to do strict 9-5 with no homeworking we'd struggle.

It’s not a case of “doing overtime & chasing promotion” vs giving up work.
If you both love your jobs you should find a way to keep them.
Neither of us works overtime right now. I do ft hours over four days, plus evening and weekend catch ups, dh works five days.
We try to minimise travel and we don’t commute.
Neither of us is going to make a huge leap forward in our career these five years but we’re both still doing fine, happy and well enough thought of at work. Sometimes not being 100% available at all times actually increases your value.

Of course its possible. As others have said the nursery years are the easiest. Once they're at school it gets more difficult since after school clubs are often only available til 6pm.

DH and I are both lawyers with full on demanding jobs and we managed.

whether you would choose to do it if you don't have to is a different question altogether.

I think the point about enjoying life or just surviving is a good one. It’s all very well working your arse off and the kids being in nursery long hours and so on if you’re working towards a common future goal, but what happens if that time never comes? What happens if you suddenly get cancer or some other illness and all your child remembers of you is being taken to nursery at the crack of dawn and being collected just before bedtime? And I’m not saying this to be goady. DH almost died from cancer and complications last year and this year he has well and truly cut back on work because we don’t know what the future will bring and we’d rather have less money and the kids have good memories of him, should the worst happen.

I don't think it gets easier- even up to teenagehood.
In some ways it's harder.

For all the reasons people say. And teenagers need a lot of attention if they are to fair well.
It's a time of great upheaval and pressure- they lack the experience in how to deal with all that and need time and guidance.
They also need taxi service- even without extra curricular stuff they have late study clubs.

I jacked in my job when the kids were born.

I could not have worked even part time outside the home .

We had one , it was very doable and we simply split drop off between us and used a mix of a great childminder and after school clubs. Honestly, if we had had two, which was never on the cards, we'd have struggled.

Things became easier at senior school,as she was a day boarder at a private school and could stay for dinner etc whenever she chose or go in and have breakfast with her friends,. Junior school was more limited and she preferred going to thr child minders for that 90 mins, rather than after school clubs as it was like a second home.

Having children is a choice though as is having careers or lifestyle, and ultimately sometimes I don't think uou can have it all easily. So you have to prioritise what is important to you. For me, having a career, being financially stable and secure was very important. One child who had all the advantages was enough for us.

So either really good flexible child care, remembering the older they get thr easier it becomes, or yes, one of you needs to throw your career under the bus.

I’m totally with you on wanting to thrive not just survive.

But you say neither of you particularly want to give up your job. For me personally I couldn’t thrive as a sahp. And dh wouldn’t enjoy being “secondary parent” or having 100% earning pressure. Or vice versa.
I can’t even begin to imagine the resentment we’d brew if either of us gave up working against our own wishes. I really thibkvyo thrive then you’ve both got to want the sahp/breadwinner divide.

I would say it's difficult. When we had children, I sacrificed my full time hours so that we could manage. I work 30 hours now but it is quite flexible and I have some family support too.