To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

[JustWondering1234]

I’m struggling to see how this works. I think it’d put a lot of stress on the whole family including the kids and I think we’re underestimating all the things that a SAHP does to keep the family happy. I can see it working if one parent was part-time or at a minimum one parent has a less demanding job (very flexible, no overtime, no currently looking for promotion etc etc). But both working full-time and aiming to further their career sounds impossible without home life becoming unhappy. Doesn’t something have to give? If you’ve done it, how did you do it? What tips do you have? What worked well, what didn’t work well?

Or do you wait until the kids r a bit older? If so what age?

I’m going back to work (solicitor) part time when baby is one and I see people are saying nursery is easy you can put them in 8-6 or longer and whilst financially that’s fine for me, at the moment, that’s emotionally a big problem. I can’t imagine feeling comfortable (and not guilty) leaving her for that long even 3 days a week and now considering how we can work it (husband self employed) that she’s in max of 15 -20 hours a week. But maybe things will change as time goes on and she’s gets bigger and I get more knackered! She’s 5mmonths now. How do/did people cope with emotional side of it?

I felt the same this thissame. It's a difficult one, because it's so personal. And really I'm not casting any judgment at all on anyone who put their children into nursery full time. At the nursery mine are at all the children seem really happy, including mine. So I think it would be totally fine if they were there for longer.

Really my choice to have them in nursery for 3 days and to pick them up at 3/3.30 (they get in for 8.30, so around 21 hours a week), is all about me. That's what I felt comfortable with, and we were able to make it work because I freelance so could do early pick ups.

We now have 2dc and I must say as they've become older, that guilt is subsiding.

I think everyone just muddles through really. By the time you return to work you may fee a little differently to how you do now.

I had it earnestly explained by a partner in my old law firm that it was of course possible to do this the answer is a day nanny and a night nanny to cover both shifts.

If you have a - for want of a better word - seriously high flying corporate/City job, then, as Kerala says, this is your only answer if you don't have family on hand. I know people who have done this. It's obviously very expensive and neither of you see very much of your children. (One couple I know who do this have a rule to try to make Saturday sacrosanct. It doesn't always happen. Another always take one nanny on holiday with them (and sometimes two)). But on the plus side, they both earn a huge amount of money!

I only have one, but I know quite a lot of families with 2-3 kids where both parents work full time in demanding professional roles. Some have family help, some don't.

I think flexible working is the key tbh. Both parents can have full-on jobs as long as they're able to work flexibly around each other, and have a support network to lean on when necessary - that might be family for some, but I also know a lot of working parents who help each other out on a reciprocal basis as and when needed.

They all seem happy and the kids are flourishing!

Also just to say, both me and my husband work flexibly (me more so than him). But it's still a bloody nightmare. We get to see more of the children, true. But I'm working nights to catch up with my work. And there's so much juggling with deadlines etc, it's quite stressful too and me and my DH have hardly any time together at the moment.

I realise we're in a lucky position to be able to do this, but my point is that every set up has its pitfalls.

thissame Its very individual. For me, I hated feeling vulnerable and it was important to me to maintain my own income. I've always been an all or nothing person. If I'm going to work I need to make sure I'm very well paid with terms of employment that suit me. I'm giving up my valuable time for my employers benefit so it had better count is my attitude.

I can't work without good childcare. I've got a great team behind our family. We live 3000 miles from family. DH travels a fair bit and I bring in help to cover his regular duties when he is gone for more than 2 nights. Seriously though, good childcare is the key piece for me. I have to know my DC are in good hands with someone who cares and has a similar outlook to us on how DC should be raised. Our elder two have autism so we have to be very careful. DS is a very gentle soul and ripe for an adult abusing him. My father is almost paranoid about his grandchildrens childcare arrangements and does an awful lot of monitoring. He hated our nanny and he spied on the local daycares over a month long visit. His work was well worth it as we found an amazing daycare.

It is possible. I have done it (both working more than full time, with out of hours work as well as working regular hours). It was tough though, and childcare is always a nightmare.

I'm glad OP that you are keeping things open about which of you could go PT. It's sad that in 2018, in the vast majority of cases it is still the woman who ends up taking the career hit. The thread shows that for some people being at home is great and really suits them, but for others it's been dispiriting and not a free and fulfilling choice. You say neither of you wants to give up work - so keep looking for part time / better located work for BOTH of you.

I live in the London commuterbelt. In my acquaintance there are I very few families where both parents work FT: the commute could be a factor here, I imagine there are more in London. The exceptions usually have family support with some childcare.

There is a high proportion of SAHMs or Ms working very part time and many fathers work long hours and/or travel in well paid jobs.

I work almost FT. DH and I share parenting and domestics, but as the lower earner I do the lion’s share at home and work fewer hours than he does, which has worked well on the home and DC front, but detrimental to me at work. We have agreed that neither of us will take a job involving frequent travel.

you don't need to live in a remote village to struggle with transport

of course you don't. I live in a small town. DS goes to athletics three times a week in a neighbouring town. He's not old enough to drive himself, there are no buses and in the winter it's dark and cycling is not an option. He has to have a lift there and back.

Thanks @screamer1 that’s reassuring. I’m sure she’ll do more interesting stuff at nursery but at the moment she is quite happy with snuggling And some singing and walks so activities etc aren't so much of a pull at the moment but will increasingly be (hopefully). She’s ebf at moment but obv that’ll have changed at lot in 7 months time. I’m just not thinking about it too much as so much will change.

@want2besuperwoman I agree with a desire for independence. We can afford quite comfortably for me not to work and I have a lot of my own savings but I’m not sure that’s for me. However I’m fortunate to be quite a high earner so even on 3 days I’d be earning enough for a good lifestyle on my own even if something went wrong in my marriage. And actually changing back to full time hours if I wanted in future is no problem with my employers.

My husband is self employed and has some flexibility so think we’ll look at alternating on my working days that I go to work early whilst he drops off and I pick up early and he works later or vice versa that might be a way to keep nursery hours down whilst working 3 days. But if it’s too much I’ll reconsider whether to seek to cut hours further or if husband should take on less work etc.

I suppose working lives are so long now that a few years on reduced hours is no big deal (IF YOU WANT THAT and if you can afford it and your career is already developed etc)

To answer the question about thriving/enjoying/ surviving from yesterday - for me it is swings and roundabouts.

Some days I love my job and I am so proud of my team and I get excited about the travel etc other days I text my husband and say that's it, I'm resigning, I'm done etc... I'm up and down, but the one thing I know with certainty, is that I want to work and based on my maternity leaves, I would be very depressed as a SAHM.

I think personality plays a big part in it, and what's suitable for family, isn't for another. I always feel sad when I see threads that turn into SAHM vs WOHM.

OP whatever you decide to do, I hope it works for you and your family

Agree that it's school that puts the kibosh on someone's career - if you don't have a lot of outside help. I know loads of people who persevered for a few years after a dc was born, even managing two dcs if they are close together, and then throwing in the towel or going very part time when school starts.

Never mind the school day/concerts/sports days etc - it's the holidays. Unless you are a teacher you do not have 12 weeks holiday a year. I have seen people on here state that you could each use your holiday entitlement. Great. So no family holidays ever, then.

Course it can work. But you have to pay through the nose for childcare and have a nanny working 7.30 - 7.30.

And you need to be ruthless about coordinating diaries so that you ensure you always have one parent able to be home each evening and one parent at home whilst the other is away.

If both jobs involve frequent short-notice overnight travel it becomes much harder and you are stepping into the realm of needing 24h childcare cover.

justwondering, that sounds sensible - and ask about the working from home/friday afternoons off if hours done earlier in the week stuff. Lots of parents doing FT roles are negotiating a bit more flexibility upfront without cutting their hours and the world doesn't end. I negotiated friday afternoons off (with hours worked earlier in the week) before I signed the contract for my current job.

I've never been in an office where a cracking amount of work gets done on a Friday afternoon.

Equally, as my kids have gotten older and more interesting, I find i prefer spending time with them and not pressurising myself to always lean in. You can be a career tortoise as well as a hare!

just today I realised DD needs a frigging world book day costume - and she doesn't want any of the ones I can buy in Asda etc, AND she's got to create some sort of monster to take into school next week...

Good advice from @italian

Agree that it's school that puts the kibosh on someone's career

You need a nanny all the way through primary school really if you have two parents working in full-time demanding jobs.

I work a demanding job with a preschooler. I was a single parent, now have a partner. Of course it's possible if you have no choice.

Yanbu. Dh has a demanding job and I work part time and we find it hard enough. I often admire families where both parents are career driven and wish I had their organisational skills.

We still have the baby and I really like the daycare and PT nanny set up that we have. It's the best of both worlds and I have two back up nannies that I share with two families. This covers any unexpected sickness. I pay a minimum of $100 a month for each nanny so I use them evening hours or when we are split three ways at weekends.

I sacrificed money to go pt and be with kids who are 23 months apart. Worked 2 days. Loved my time at home. No regrets. Can make more money in future but cant get that time back. Easier said than done though if work won't accommodate pt

This is the conundrum we're currently in my husbands job has changed and the new one's less flexible and I'm due back following maternity leave. Its not the logistics of getting them places thats bothering me i dont feel its fair to have my children in childcare from 8am until 6pm 5 days a week. As a result I'm going to probably leave my job we'll be skint but i think its going to be better for our family.

just today I realised DD needs a frigging world book day costume - and she doesn't want any of the ones I can buy in Asda etc, AND she's got to create some sort of monster to take into school next week...

This sort of stuff annoys the hell out of me. School and daycare are supposed to make life easier, not harder. It massively discriminates against working parents.
A friend of mine keeps having to do this stuff for her two year old. She pays 1300 quid a month for nursery and she’s regularly having to build sodding dioramas for an age group that frankly doesn’t give a toss and is happy rolling around in the mud outside. It’s ridiculous.

biscuits presumably no options for demanding more flexibility/better hours etc? I say this, as keeping a PT hand in is so much better on the money/CV front. Of course I completely sympathise, I wouldn't want to either.

backenette it's nonsense - and you say, well, just go and buy something from ASDA anyway but then when they never win the prize because it's a shop bought costume etc. or they are sad because their monster looks crapper than everyone elses...

Of course, you can muscle your way through all this stuff, it's just tiring and not rewarding.

I wish I could hire someone to make craft costumes :) Not the ones on Etsy that cost £££ obviously :)