To think it’s not possible for both parents to work demanding full-time jobs while DCs r preschool?

[JustWondering1234]

I’m struggling to see how this works. I think it’d put a lot of stress on the whole family including the kids and I think we’re underestimating all the things that a SAHP does to keep the family happy. I can see it working if one parent was part-time or at a minimum one parent has a less demanding job (very flexible, no overtime, no currently looking for promotion etc etc). But both working full-time and aiming to further their career sounds impossible without home life becoming unhappy. Doesn’t something have to give? If you’ve done it, how did you do it? What tips do you have? What worked well, what didn’t work well?

Or do you wait until the kids r a bit older? If so what age?

We managed. I work nights 3x a week with an extra shift a week as overtime in a busy a&e as a senior staff nurse and have the opportunity to become a sister. I take DS to school and pick him up. Give DD a feed and then we both sleep for a couple of hours. When DD turns 2 she will be going to nursary so I can get a couple of goes sleep. DP work mon-fri 8-5 up for a promotion and has the kids if I work weekends. This works really well for us and has done for almost 5 years.

Like others, I found FT nursery easier to manage than school (with all the holidays and teacher training days).

You just get on with it really.

It's not impossible, we managed, no family to help, just the two of us. Pre-school was easier, as nursery was open 7-7, once school started I was doing the drop off at 8:30 and DH was picking up at 6. So he could start work early and finish early, I'd start later and finish later. Both our works were flexible in terms of taking time off for school plays, child sickness and such. But obviously you've got to want to follow a carreer and have the kids in wrap around care, it's not everyone's choice.

I know a few families with both parents in ft, demanding work. Most have supportive families that do oodles of free and flexible childcare for them. One couple don't have any family help and have had some terrible issues with their dc as a result of them being in nursery for really long hours, a nanny would have been much better I think.

We had a nanny / housekeeper with DC1 and then a nanny and a housekeeper when DC2 came.

No, I can't see how else it could have worked. DH a surgeon and me in school management. Even with both attending my school I don't know how we'd manage without help.

All I can say is that it wouldn't work for me.

I know loads of people where both halves of a couple have demanding FT jobs and children. Many of them without any local family support.

It’s not unusual.

If you’ve done it do you find you’ve had enough time as a family? And as a couple? Overall would you say it was worth it?

Are mornings stressful getting everyone where they need to be?

It's doable but you have to earn a hell of a lot to make a nanny viable (which you will need to cover start/end of preschool, holidays etc). With a salary of around £90k after paying tax/pension/nanny you'd take home around the minimum wage.

I did it with two DCs as a single parent, no family within 200 miles. I did have a brilliant CM who took them to nursery, playgroups etc and gave them an evening meal. Pre school was a breeze. Things got more difficult at school with the assorted requests and then all the after school clubs...

I did cut my hours down/worked from home as they got older as that was when I think childcare is most challenging. Too old for child minder or after school, not old enough to be left alone. Thankfully, by that time I was able to influence my hours.

Sparkly what a great nursery. Where I live most nurseries are 8/8.30 - 5.30 a few offer till 6pm so it can be difficult. A lot of people especially commuters also have an au pair to cover drop off and pick ups or do FT nanny shares.

Sounds like a nanny, cleaner etc r sensible if u can afford it

It’s interesting that people think it’s easier when they r preschool and that the older children may need parents around more. I was expecting it the other way round!

Preschool is no use if you work full time, you need a nursery. As others have said it's much easier in the pre-school years. Drop at nursery at 7.30am and collect by 6pm 50 weeks a year. Wonderful!

We juggle by working from home a couple of days a week each and having reciprocal collection agreements with a couple of friends if we get stuck for the 5th day.

Now it's breakfast club, after school club or extra curricular clubs, with transport arranged with other parents in the same position. It's a logistical nightmare sometimes but it can be done.

I've also got used to starting late afternoon meetings with - "okay this needs to be over by 5pm as I am doing the school run" Lots of your colleagues will thank you for this I promise!

I think most people get a nanny, frankly.

Otherwise it takes a lot of organisation and some creative thinking (and employers willing to accommodate this).

To give an example - some friends of mine are both in very full-on jobs with three preschool DC. He is in banking and she is a corporate lawyer. He has shifted his whole day forward so that he starts and finishes a bit later, and does the morning drop-off. She does a split day, so she goes in very early and leaves around 4 to pick up the children. Once they're in bed she logs back on around 8pm and completes her day by wfh. She's at an American firm so it works quite well as she's online at the same time as New York.

It's exhausting, however, and unlikely to be sustainable once the DC are at school. They plan to get a nanny or an au pair at this point.

We managed to both work fulltime in demanding jobs, but didn't find that precluded us from getting some flexibility. We coordinated everything over each other's working times, and have a brilliant childminder twice a week.

It wasn't relaxing though.

There’s just so much more to fit in when they are at school, e.g school assemblies and sports days, extracurricular activities, play dates, homework. Also kids are more aware that others get picked up from school by their parents and can comment on this. Finally we struggled to get decent quality wrap around care that was anywhere near as good as private nursery. Eventually managed to get a brilliant childminder, but it took a year of stress to get to that point.

I find this thread very interesting. Most posts stating 'yes it's possible, we do it' go on to explain that either have flexible jobs, one can drop off and the other pick up, work 30 hours/week, have just one child, can work from home, etc. It's not what the OP states. If BOTH parents have very demanding, long hours, not flexible jobs (no working from home), a commute and more than one child.

Of course it's possible. Thousands of people do it. Doesn't mean it's easy or ideal. When my three were little it was hard work, and so difficult to leave them and my life was regimented and divided into work/housework/childcare. But it's possible. And probably easier if you can afford a nanny and some help with housework.

I suffer from depression which is largely under control now but that started at that time and I am it sure was triggered from years of sheer exhaustion and constant stress. I look back now and wonder how it all got done.

We did nursery with our first one and then when DC2 came along we did a nanny share with another couple we had met at nursery. It worked out really well and cost half the price so affordable (and cheaper than nursery for two!).

Also, drop your cleaning standards!

TwoFishFingers I noticed that too! My jobs not flexible! Sounds like I might be needing a new one

If both parents have to work long hours outside the home, with a long commute and have more than one per-schooler, then I would agree that a nanny is the only option. But you can have a demanding job with career progression without these things. I guess it depends on how you define a demanding job. DH and I earn 100K+ per year between us. I am sure this is peanuts compared to some people on here, but we don’t live in the SE and we would rather earn a bit less and have flexible jobs. So perhaps I am not the right person to ask.

As so many others have said, just wait until they get to school (even secondary school!) if you think pre-school is difficult! Pre-schoolers are time-consuming and tiring in the sense of requiring lots of physical assistance with food, dressing, never being left alone, having to be accompanied to every party, appointment, sports activity etc. However, their issues are pretty straightforward and a kiss and cuddle solves lots! Wait until they are in school or teenagers - they can feed themselves and maybe even prepare the food to eat! - but their friendship problems are no longer a five-minute chat but hours of agonised talk over cups of tea. Everything just requires endless discussion - school, subject choices, sports, music exams - and whatever they are involved in takes huge chunks of time. No-one expects a 5 year old to travel inter-county for a Saturday morning football match but when they get to 11 or 12, a trip of an hour to sports fixtures can be quite normal - and the matches are longer too.

I also found that when ours were little and in nursery there was a general understanding by childcare providers that children were there full days because parents were working and therefore not available to pop in more than very occasionally for parties, parades, cake sales, assemblies etc. Once in school, that all changes. There may not be an expectation that you attend but there are so many times that you want to be there and it's just never enough!

It was worth it for us, OP. It was hard, but we are now in a much better place both financially and career wise so we can take it easy, and the kids are still young. We moved away from the city and we can pick and choose what work we take. It wouldn't have been possible if we didn't stay in well paid demanding jobs when we were younger.