When did Grandchild become Pay-per-View? (Grandparents perspective)

[Wheresmyturn]

I have a DD who is 25 and has a 2 year old DD of her own.

I've always tried to be a good mum to DD and her DBro. I'm single since their dad left me a few years ago, he never sees or speaks to either of my children and has never met my GD.

I live a short 15 minute walk from my DD. She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change. This is the only time I get with DD/GD. I've offered to visit them at DDs flat, I've offered to meet her in town for a coffee with or without GD (DD is married and her husband is GD dad) - I always offer to pay as I know money can be tight with a young child, I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little. DD says she doesn't have time and she'll see me at my house on that one Sunday.

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once a week she looks after her on her own and then meets DD in town for a meal sometimes too. When I ask DD about it she says her MIL pays for GD to have private SALT because the NHS waiting lists for both were long - GD has a speech delay and glue ear - and that's why she gets to see her more because MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

I feel really hurt. I work but can't afford to offer similar for GD, I didn't realise she was pay-per-view. The MIL will also get a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, and a hand made card by GD from "her son" (aka DD) on Mother's Day, she gets similar on her birthday and at Christmas. I'm lucky if I get a 20p card from a charity shop. That's not to say I mind, I appreciate a card I just thought my DD and I were close and I'd see her more often considering I live so nearby. Her MIL is about half an hours drive a way so not a huge distance but it still stinks.

How can this be? It just doesn't seem fair. If it's relevant me and the MIL are the same age, and both still working so it's not a case of the MIL having more time I don't think. I just don't think my DD has the time for me anymore.

Someone else has mentioned it already, but this sentence from the OP really stood out for me:

I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little.

'Hate' is a strong word to use about taking children to places which will make them happy. Being a good parent is often about being selfless and putting your children first. You don't sound particularly concerned about helping your daughter. I suspect her version of events would be quite different. Just my impressions from the limited info provided.

'Hate' is a strong word to use about taking children to places which will make them happy.

That's a bit unfair. People on here say they hate it and it's the third circle of hell etc.

Agree witches! People often say they hate them - op may have still taken her dc to them but just didnt like it.

I wouldn't be surprised if op isn't quite as laid back etc as she thinks she is 0 but I also think at such a young age perhaps ops DD doesn't quite understand her mums feelings here...

*Today 01:21 NoMudNoLotus

The likes of @PancakeInMaBelly & @Vibe2018 ...
as long as you are happy to reap what you sow and have adult children that are as dispassionate towards you then all is fair .*

If I am a very difficult parent to my children then I'd fully expect us not to have a close relationship and for them not to be keen to spend time with me. Why should I treat them badly and then expect them to want to see me?

If you have a 'normal' mum it is hard to imagine having a not so normal mum who is incredibly difficult to deal with. For example, my mum insists on drinking too much at family gatherings like my child's christening. If I ask her in advance to limit it she gets very angry. Then she drinks enough that she is unsteady and slurring her words and acting weird. When you deal with incidents like this all the time it wears you down.

Having children is my choice. They are not obligated to spend anytime with me when they are adults. They don't owe me anything just because I made the decision to have them and raise them. I hope though that I am a good enough parent and we get along and that they want to spend time with me - that would be really lovely.

Although I'm not at all close to my mum, I enjoy MIL's company as she is easy to get on with and behaves in a normal manner. I want to be a mum like her to my children and actively try to be a 'normal' mum.

Why does her DD not let her have her GD for an afternoon?

Possibilities:

• because the OP only said she wanted to have the kid alone when she noticed the MIL did. Which are not the right reasons
• the DD feels damaged by having been left in the DMs care and doesnt want that for her child
• the DD is concerned about the DMs lack of insight about her own reducing reflexes/memory/reasoning/mobility/health which makes her an unsuitable childcarer. And as the DM is in denial about her own decline, excuses are made
• the MIL is also FRIENDLY with the DD and SonIL so is naturally around more, thus better practiced with looking after the child
• the DD is telling the truth, and the child IS hard to look after in ways that the DM doesnt appreciate, so DD has to be more chosey with suitable care than otherwise

Op, i don't have much to add, but i don't think honest reflection on the situation would go amiss. Others have given you their insight, i would really take a look at myself and what i was doing to see how i could improve the situation or be at peace with it.

I don't think YABU, but i think you won't get what you need if you don't change something.

I don’t think “dispassionate” is quite the right word - like “disinterested”, it means “impartial”

I think you mean “uninterested” or you could just say “not close”

Your daughter on the surface sounds controlling that she only ‘allows’ you to see her at your house on her terms. Why can’t you just pop in for a coffee? Why do you always have to provide a full roast to see them. Something is not right and you need a frank discussion about your relationship. Have you fallen out at all at any point or something happened. Has she always been like this. If you can’t think of anything try saying you’d like to have GD for an afternoon or you can babysit one evening while they go for a meal, you can spend some time together then do bath time have stories without DD being there and get some quality time together. Sounds a very sad situation.

FancyNewBeesly right there with you.. my mum also died before she met my son. He knows about Grandma but never had the pleasure of meeting her

not everyone sees as much of their families as many of the writers here do . I don't see my family every month - and nor does my husband or many of my friends.

Each to their own eh ?

And yes - sounds like a bit of blackmail going on here - the visits have become a habit and now it's difficult to break.

I think that’s all really sad. You live near by, are alone and want to spend time with your grandchild so what’s the harm. Your daughter should be more considerate. Most people get closer to their mums when they have their own children. I certainly appreciate my mum more now I’m a parent myself. Can’t have been easy bringing up two kids by yourself with little support from their dad. I feel your pain seeing the MIL being treated differently.

Your home doesn't sound very child friendly, you mention that she tries to get hold of things and that you have a few toys but maybe will do her a toy box etc.

She's two, I would have thought by now your house would be full of high chairs, toy boxes etc and every thing moved out of the way long ago.

When your DD lived with you with their baby were you hands on with her? Did you do any child care then, help with bath time? Offer to go to the Doctor appointments with her?

OP, based on your first post alone, I wanted to give you my perspective with my DM & MIL. Our 2 families have very different norms and traditions when it comes to contact, celebrations and gifts. My DH's family are very into extravagant gifts, multiple celebrations for the same event (think 3 parties for the 1 birthday), and are very much into (IMO) appearances. We are expected to turn up and do our duty. I have to confess I find it exhausting & overwhelming.

In contrast, my family are quite low key. Me & my siblings don't buy each other presents, and even with my DM - I would rather buy her something she likes when we are out together rather than especially for her birthday or Xmas. We don't do mothers day, and she would be if I got her flowers or chocolate. I can go for weeks without seeing or speaking to my Mum, and I don't think it affects our relationship. She appears to be genuinely pleased to talk to me when I see her. She doesn't demand of my time, or demand to see my DC - never has. (I suspect she treats me & my DC a bit like cats - the less obvious interest you show in them, the more likely they are to pay you attention ).

I still love my Mum, and in fact am really grateful we don't have to turn up and do the dutiful performance with her. I think if you complain to your DD you will distance yourself from her, or she will feel under pressure that you are making comparisons.

The other thing is that if your GD has health conditions that require lots of appointments, and you DD is working, she most probably doesn't have a lot of spare time. Does she get on with her DBro?

I can see how this would really hurt, but I just wanted to give you my perspective that looks can be deceiving, and time spent with someone doesn't necessarily mean that they love them more.

I thought the same on the mention of the special toy box. Sounds very formal. Mil is like this ultra ordered would be discussing the toy box etc.

Having read the entire thread, it does seem fairly obvious what's going on here. You can't offer support during the time she's available to give it as you work and she doesn't want to give up the family time she has at the weekend with her DH.

I think you've completely read into this as being about you, or intentional but I think it's just practicality. Admittedly there's a little extra about your DD openly saying she doesn't think you would cope alone - which from the cat comment I can possibly see where she's coming from. As the sole carer of a child YOU should be looking out, one step ahead at potential hazards and your response that Your DD has to do so when you are also there tells me she doesn't trust you to react quickly enough.

I think you've just got to either give her your time when she can accept it, show her you can look ahead for when you are in sole custody or you just have to accept that for the time being this is how it is. I don't think there's any malice from your DD and taking the view that it's pay per play is neither true or helpful to resolving the issue.

MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

What a bitch your daughter is getting blackmailed by her MIL to help her disabled child. And what a delight you are for wanting in on the action (and better gifts). If your daughter doesn't think you would cope, don't you think as your daughter she is best placed to know your limits?

I can't believe how much reaching there is over the OP having a bloody toy box.

'She's two, I would have thought by now your house would be full of high chairs, toy boxes etc and every thing moved out of the way long ago'

Well, not if OP only sees GD once a month.

Could there be any chance that your DD’s partner is trying to isolate her from you? Just a thought

When I was in my twenties, both before and after becoming a parent, the last thing I wanted to be doing on my precious days off was spending time with my parents. This had nothing to do with not getting on with them and everything to do with wanting independent young adult time. It wasn't personal in any way to my parents. I wanted to be with friends and boyfriends, going out and having fun. This was partly I think due to the fact that my parents and I never got past the parent/child relationship and moved on to the parent/adult child relationship. At home, I was still the child, even when I was a parent myself and I lost both my parents before I turned 30 so I don't know if that would have changed. It may be that your DD's MIL is more like a friend to her, whereas she sees you as very much the parent and her the child. In which case, I really wouldn't take it personally, but maybe try and redress the balance a little and try to view her as an adult friend, rather than your little girl.

How much does op want to seek the gc would it hurt to stock up on stuff so when she sees her she has loads of toys and looks like she has made an effort?

Aunts house, cupboard under stairs is spilling out toys for aunts gc.. My dd had field day in there! Old stuff charity shop toys etc...

Mil has one pram from 70s, carefully stowed in garage which is carefully brought out and a Teddy

Well, not if OP only sees GD once a month

Why not? It's her DGD who lived with her until she was over a year old. I find it strange that the DGD doesn't already have a special toy box of her own.

OP what does DGD have at your house? Like chair, high chair, dining set, toys that suit her abilities .

My MIL has a room full of toys for my kids, and she sees them less often than once a month. I don't think it's that odd.

I agree with blackteadrinker and instead of "updating the toy corner" you might make a massive effort to toddler-proof whichever room you're in before your GD arrives. That way you, your DD and GD can all relax and anything your GD gets her hands on is something she can handle. It's normal for two year olds to want to grab whatever looks interesting and it's frustrating for them to have to give it up.

There's no need to fill the house up with toddler stuff if they don't visit often. Or even buy expensive books and toys. There might be one or two bits of kit that make life easier but the best thing for your DG isn't her own corner full of lovely toys - it's playing silly games and interacting with you. Do you sit down at her level and play with her?

One other thing that may not be obvious about "coping" is that especially if your GD has a speech delay the way you communicate yourself will make a huge difference. To care for GD you will need to be alert to her non-verbal signals and respond positively to how she feels and what she wants. You will need to be warm and expressive and enjoyable for her to be with. I'm not brilliant at this myself and that makes me less good with kids, but I can make an effort and get by. If you can't communicate with GD and recognise her needs and respond to her then that would make it hard for you to care for her without both of you getting very upset. And that may be part of what your DD means. So maybe if you can make an effort to interact in a positive way with DD, that would make a difference? Or maybe when GD is older and more verbal you may cope more easily.