When did Grandchild become Pay-per-View? (Grandparents perspective)

[Wheresmyturn]

I have a DD who is 25 and has a 2 year old DD of her own.

I've always tried to be a good mum to DD and her DBro. I'm single since their dad left me a few years ago, he never sees or speaks to either of my children and has never met my GD.

I live a short 15 minute walk from my DD. She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change. This is the only time I get with DD/GD. I've offered to visit them at DDs flat, I've offered to meet her in town for a coffee with or without GD (DD is married and her husband is GD dad) - I always offer to pay as I know money can be tight with a young child, I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little. DD says she doesn't have time and she'll see me at my house on that one Sunday.

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once a week she looks after her on her own and then meets DD in town for a meal sometimes too. When I ask DD about it she says her MIL pays for GD to have private SALT because the NHS waiting lists for both were long - GD has a speech delay and glue ear - and that's why she gets to see her more because MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

I feel really hurt. I work but can't afford to offer similar for GD, I didn't realise she was pay-per-view. The MIL will also get a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, and a hand made card by GD from "her son" (aka DD) on Mother's Day, she gets similar on her birthday and at Christmas. I'm lucky if I get a 20p card from a charity shop. That's not to say I mind, I appreciate a card I just thought my DD and I were close and I'd see her more often considering I live so nearby. Her MIL is about half an hours drive a way so not a huge distance but it still stinks.

How can this be? It just doesn't seem fair. If it's relevant me and the MIL are the same age, and both still working so it's not a case of the MIL having more time I don't think. I just don't think my DD has the time for me anymore.

Why wouldn't you cope?

They just never have got on Whisky. They've never fallen out from what I know but they're very different people. DD is quite academic, likes to be keeping her mind active, not really into sports or anything. Her excerise is the walk to the train station for work. She's doing well in a career. DS is a lot more outgoing, loves Rugby and plays once a week, is often down the pub with his friends, works but in a lot lower role and isn't bothered about progression. They're both fantastic people and I'm proud of both but they are very different.

Okay I just read your update so you can't help her on work days as you work. Fine.

If it were me, I would make my home into the most warm magical place for a child with lots of toys, music, special treats in the cupboards and an altogether warm and happy place.

That one Sunday a month would be the best one ever. With a lovely lunch and special desserts. It is not the amount of time you spend but the quality and you need to stop comparing.

Your dd needs her mil at the moment, you should feel pleased she is getting the help and support to get gd better, although I can understand why this might niggle. You must put it to one side. You can be completely special and unique on your own terms.

Your dd is almost certainly taking mil out of gratitude and not because she thinks more of her than you.

If you can make the time you have more special, they will all come to look forward to it much more, and may come more often. Decorate the house for easter, spring, paddling pool in the summer. Your dd and gd will appreciate it.

Do you know why your dd would think you can't cope on your own? It is concerning she doesn't trust you to leave her child with you, but don't let this stop you from making the most of what you have.

It seems that MIL has time in the week which you sadly don't.

When I offer to have GD my DD just says I won't cope with her. When I ask her to explain further she just says that GD is hard work. I don't want to be seen to compare myself to the MIL so I never ask why she thinks she can cope and I can't.

Why not ask? Be direct and say "what can I do to help or to learn cope with DD?" There's no competition or pay-as-you-go but I know my Mum and my MIL are two very different women, so what one is good at might be a weakness in the other and vice versa. Is it possible that MIL knows more about GD's issues and challenges, so is better prepared?

Closeness and bonds with children aren't about quantity but quality. MIL sees our DCs far more than my parents do, but the DCs adore my parents and are incredibly close to them despite the less frequent visits.

Great idea from FancyNewBeesly of asking if you could come and help with the bedtime routine and have a glass of wine/cuppa with your dd once gd is in bed. Hopefully if she sees you are competent and know what her routine/what to do she's be more inclined to take you up on your off of childcare so she could have an occasional night out with her dh?

"Do you know why your dd would think you can't cope on your own?"

It could be that she doesn't want to leave him any more than she already does?

I don't have a garden so no paddling pool, I do have toys here for GD, it's not really a meal and run thing as I make it sound, but DD doesn't spend more than a couple of hours here. Will update the toys and books I have though and maybe make her a special corner with her toy box.

I'm not sure why I won't cope with GD but the MIL does. Will try and get her to elaborate.

My dad lives literally a 30 second walk away and I would go weeks without seeing him. There is no reason why, it isn't deliberate but life gets in the way, there is work, kids appointments, dinner to cook, chores to be done and then I am just too exhausted to move off the sofa.

I am making a conscious effort this year to go round for a cuppa at least once a week because I know he was upset about it but it is difficult to find the time.

It seems strange to me that you live so close but don't see each other. It's such a shame because you're offering to look after your grandchild but your daughter says no. I could perhaps understand a bit more if you didn't offer - I hate asking my mum to have my kids, dunno why, just feel like I don't want to put on folk but when she offers I say yes and we call in a couple of times a week after school. She lives a mile away.
How are things with your daughter and husband? I'm wondering if there's something there - is he controlling? Part of me thinks that, but then the other part thinks maybe that's because I would rather there be a reason for this, that it can be explained in some way.

Son-in-Law is lovely, we have a lot in common as he works in an industry I used to work in. He seems very nice and I don't think he's controlling her at all.

If your home becomes their place to relax and unwind, I guarantee they will come more often. When your dd arrives insist she sits down, look after her, play with your gd and take your little gd off as a helper in the kitchen. Have an activity waiting for gd so you can spend a little time talking to your dd.

You can't replace your mum, so don't feel you need to compete. Take care of her she sounds as if she has a lot to contend with.

Talk to your dd from the heart, tell her you would love the chance to care for gd and don't mind starting slowly. If she sees you taking the lead on Sundays she is more likely to feel confident.

Most mothers are exhausted, bone crushing tiredness from keeping everyone's life together. Don't become another chore, burden, job be something she looks forward to. The rest will come naturally.

I think there’s something going on with your gd having special needs (hence the speech therapy and glue ear issues etc) and the other grandmother “getting it” - ie contributing to the speech therapy and being more involved that way and looking after your gd and you not being “able to cope”. What kind of conversations have you had with your daughter about your gds development issues / speech therapy etc?

I may be projecting here and I may be completely wrong but I will never let my in laws look after my son (aged 5, with autism, in complex needs school) because they have no understanding whatsoever of autism and have made no effort to do any research of their own about it. They have this ridiculous notion that he will either somehow grow out of it or that his autism isn’t that bad.. whatever that means. If they had read about the subject themselves they would understand more. As a consequence I absolutely hate taking ds round and find it extremely stressful and we only visit once every few months despite being about 20 mins away and them being very involved with their other grandchildren from my dhs siblings. I see my own mum about 3 times a week and have no issue leaving ds with her or bringing her along to school events.

I've read this whole thread and I think your daughter doesn't sound very nice OP, sorry. I get the 'bone-crushing' thing but unless she wants to come across as a 'user' or unless there is some heinous crime that you've committed, you don't treat your mother/MIL so markedly different.

It's not pay-per-view but your daughter is being selfish. It would be exactly the same situation if you would favour one of her siblings and I'm sure she would have something to say about that.

I don't know how you would address this but I think that it will fester for you if you don't speak to your daughter to find out what is going on and why she is behaving this way. I would be disappointed, definitely.

I've read this whole thread and I think your daughter doesn't sound very nice OP, sorry

You've also clearly added in a lot because there is no basis here to assess whether the daughter is nice or not. You probably shouldn't judge people you've never met based on the biased comments of someone related to them anyway.

I'm going to chip in with an idea. (Have NC for this).

I love my DM. She's a lovely kind person and means well. However, there are some things about the way I was parented that I look back on and am not comfortable with. I have also witnessed some behaviour of my DM's around children, and it annoys and frustrates me.

She bribes children with food they would not be allowed from their parent. She tells them she is their favourite. She is very emotional and overbearing. She buys them presents and tells them it's a secret and not to tell their parents. Sometimes these things are not age appropriate or are things she knows the parents would not be happy with - hence the secret. I know that she would disregard my feelings toward certain situations. It makes me uncomfortable.

My MIL however is far more similar to me, in parenting style and temperament.

I would be totally comfortable with leaving my child with MIL for a whole day or overnight. I would not feel the same about DM.

I would also be more comfortable with MIL's influence over my child than my DM.

Don't know if that's helpful, having an insight from the other side.

I think @Rocketgirl22 and @Fairylea have offered some good advice.

If you make it really nice for them to visit, be more hands on with GD and combine that with researching and showing a genuine interest in your GDs needs, asking how therapy is going, when exercises she has been given etc, you might just get a bit more time.

What is your DGD's behaviour like? My DS was speech delayed, as a result his behaviour in the early days was really awful out of frustration with not being understood. He would have been ok with a short dine and dash round my Mum's, especially with both me and DH present.

Tbh I would have sold him out to mil too to get him the help he needs and if she got kicked, bitten etc or things of hers were broken well I wouldn't have felt bad as she did insist. I imagine now given the extra time with her has meant that the MIL understands your DG better so less chance of her getting upset but with you it may be a different story and your daughter doesn't want to upset you or may even feel a little embarrassed.

Your daughter may have a nice routine going with her DD now, I found DS was more comfortable with a routine and less likely to get upset as a result. An impromptu visit with you may mean she misses a group or something. That just leaves the weekends which in our household are precious as DH is home from work, one weekend day a month would be enough for me before I would start to feel a bit obliged.

Sorry I hadn't finished, now that my DS is older and his speech has improved he is an absolute dream to look after and I now feel comfortable loosening the apron strings a bit. You may find you see more of her as she gets older, especially if SALT is working for her

I think the people who have emphasised the weekend timing are probably right. MIL sees GD in the week, which both helps with childcare AND doesn’t eat into weekend family time. You can’t offer the same as you work, which means that visits have to be at the weekend, which is precious time for most young families. To be honest in those circumstances I think once a month is about right (or would be for me, anyway). It was the opposite way around for me - I saw my mum more often than my MIL because she was available mid-week which was easier to fit it.

I don’t think this is a ‘you v MIL’ thing at all - it’s about circumstances. I bet if you were able to care for GD on Wednesdays your DD would accept. I do realise it’s not possible for you to do this, which isn’t your fault - but it’s not DD’s fault either!

I think the above advice above about making your Sundays lovely is the best advice. Focus on making it a really special time for all of you, and stop fretting and making comparisons.

I've honestly never seen GD tantrum, she can be a bit grabby with things she wants but can't have by DD always steps in and stops her, so she'll sometimes pull at my cats fur but DD stops her - they have a cat themselves so it's just reinforcing behaviour I assume.

To offer a child's perspective, I wouldn't leave my baby alone with my mother. I just don't think she could cope. She seems to have forgotten how to look after a baby and is very nervous e.g. will call for me as soon as baby cries instead of trying to comfort her. She has some issues and I think this is the reason. I also have a slightly strained relationship with her but i think it's important to see each set of grandparents equally so I make sure I do that. It could just be something similar with your daughter although I hope it's not for your sake. Just thought you might find the perspective useful. I would be more confident leaving the baby with my mum if she were more proactive e.g. with nappies.

I remember thinking I had a time share baby. Saturdays and Sundays were supposed to be mine but no, constant guilt trip from DM, I went low contact for a bit and we've managed to build some bridges this last year.

She did the 'Don't you love granny' thing to DCs urgh

Does SIL work Mon - Friday so Saturday is the only day they have a family which is also the day you would need to see them?

I don't know the answer but this makes me sad. I think you need to talk to DD in a gentle, non confrontational way.