When did Grandchild become Pay-per-View? (Grandparents perspective)

[Wheresmyturn]

I have a DD who is 25 and has a 2 year old DD of her own.

I've always tried to be a good mum to DD and her DBro. I'm single since their dad left me a few years ago, he never sees or speaks to either of my children and has never met my GD.

I live a short 15 minute walk from my DD. She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change. This is the only time I get with DD/GD. I've offered to visit them at DDs flat, I've offered to meet her in town for a coffee with or without GD (DD is married and her husband is GD dad) - I always offer to pay as I know money can be tight with a young child, I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little. DD says she doesn't have time and she'll see me at my house on that one Sunday.

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once a week she looks after her on her own and then meets DD in town for a meal sometimes too. When I ask DD about it she says her MIL pays for GD to have private SALT because the NHS waiting lists for both were long - GD has a speech delay and glue ear - and that's why she gets to see her more because MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

I feel really hurt. I work but can't afford to offer similar for GD, I didn't realise she was pay-per-view. The MIL will also get a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, and a hand made card by GD from "her son" (aka DD) on Mother's Day, she gets similar on her birthday and at Christmas. I'm lucky if I get a 20p card from a charity shop. That's not to say I mind, I appreciate a card I just thought my DD and I were close and I'd see her more often considering I live so nearby. Her MIL is about half an hours drive a way so not a huge distance but it still stinks.

How can this be? It just doesn't seem fair. If it's relevant me and the MIL are the same age, and both still working so it's not a case of the MIL having more time I don't think. I just don't think my DD has the time for me anymore.

The other large factor here is actually ops dd is still very very young herself. She may adore her dm genuinely but literally lack the ability to to look at the whole picture mot must be full on and frantic for her.

Op just lavish her when you see her, them m.. Spoil then and really look and listen to yourself when you're next with her.. Are you you warm, friendly, easy going... Fun to be around... A good listener etc m.

Fuck, Frances. When dc3 was brain damaged at birth, I wouldn't have left her with my dm either. And frankly, I had so much going on in my head for the first two years, I wasn't really up for cooking big family lunches and inviting people round as guests. I needed solid practical help, and not vague insinuations that I was being a selfish beatch for not putting others first (especially parents who are supposed to bloody HELP, not make your life more difficult by whining).

We were doing physio several times a day, the SLT appointments from birth, a communication group from 6 months, plus other random paed appts etc. Eye specialists. Thankfully she (eventually) passed the hearing after several recalls.

The dd has a 2yo with sn.

Op, my guess is that your dd does not have the confidence in your ability to cope with an sn 2yo at this point. She has actually told you this, so it isn't a real guess, is it? I'm actually going to back her up. Twice you said (in giving examples of behaviour) 'but dd stops her from doing that'. How do you expect dd to gain confidence in your ability to cope with an sn 2yo by constantly deferring to your dd to support and control the child? I would have been reassured if you had said 'we don't let her do that' or 'I always make sure the cats are out of harm's way when they visit', or anything that suggested you had an active role in proceedings, rather than implying it was dd's job in your house.
I am totally projecting, obv, but you sound just like my own mother. I love her to bits and pieces, but there is no way on this sweet earth that I would leave her alone with a vulnerable toddler. She is just not up to it. She doesn't see the dangers. She doesn't understand that wobbly kids come with their own additional requirements (although tbh even normal 2yo requirements are out of reach). She loves her gc dearly, but my absolute rule was that there had to be another adult (usually my dad) present before I could trust her. In conjunction with my dad, all good - he's practical and forward thinking, would look around the room and move the shit that dd would fall over, think about food ahead of time, plan a bath. My mother exists in some sort of haze whereby something has to have happened before she will react to it. Oh you got scratched by the kitty, there there. Ohhhhh sweetie! You have a big bump! Did you fall down the step? Dear dear, what's the matter? Oh goodness is that the time, I had better get the tea on! She essentially defers to everyone else and isn't really great at noticing what needs doing and keeping up with it. When she comes to stay 'to help out' after a birth, dh loathes it, because he essentially has another child in the house to look after. She takes root in an armchair. She doesn't want to step on toes you see. So if you ask her to do something, she will. But otherwise she sits there. And sits there. While everyone else runs around feeding toddlers, changing nappies, getting the dinner on, doing the laundry. She's always been like this.
When you have an sn child, you need someone who just gets it. Who recognizes what needs to be done, and when. Who has the dinner on when you get in from work, not who greets you from the armchair and asks you to put the kettle on as she hasn't had a cup for hours. You don't need your mum whining about pay per view.

Dd has told you what her concern is. She doesn't think you can cope. So you need to think about how you can learn to cope. Or to convince her you can. Simples.

Oh come on the op would have been torn to shreds if she had said she steps in to discipline the gd when her mother is there. She can't win either way.

OP this is all about seeing your GD, you've said very little about your daughter.

Don't you want to see more of your DD? Isn't that the main issue? Are you close? Were you ever?

If you're more bothered about getting equal time with your GC compared to MIL than you are about seeing your own daughter, then that explains a lot.

Your DD clearly feels she has to make these efforts towards MIL on penalty of losing out on her child’s medical care. Actually, she’d probably prefer to keep seeing you and MIL once per week but feels she can’t with MIL.

How would she have time ferrying then round to you all multiple times per week with her own life going on? 4 times a month is pretty good to me. I’m 22 and get to see my mum about once every three months due to distance. Living near his parents we only see them about once every 2 months.

Some posters on here are very entitled , selfish and lacking in compassion.

Relationships are give and take - whatever situation someone is in.

Good grief i had premature poorly babies, i have ME , i have to work , yet i have still always managed to make time to care for my mum .

Do a lot of you really think that being a working mother with a SN child justifies being put first and being entitled?

Because it doesnt .

Life is hard. Everyone has needs.

I am 42 but honestly the more i hear from mothers of young children these days the more i am convinced that they think they have it harder than anybody else before them.

@Wheresmyturn - i am sorry this is causing you sadness. I hope you find the strength to talk to your DD about how sad this is making you.

@NoMudNoLotus but she’s not caring for her mum? It’s her mum who feels entitled to a certain amount of time with her GC and isn’t taking into account that DD May feel scared to reduce contact time with MIL.

Also she’s not entitled to time with GC as its not her kid.

Are you close to your daughter? Would you chat on the phone or is there distance in your relationship?

I'm not close to my mum and visit her once a week - or less if I can get away with it. I don't enjoy the visits, to be honest, but I'm not a horrible person.

My mum is difficult - and she doesn't at all realise this about herself. She's emotionally immature. She's insecure - always comparing herself to others and feeling either superior or inferior. She acts like snob around people she looks down on. She is jealous of anytime I spend with my in-laws. She sneers about religion as she knows my MIL is religious and she looks down on her for this. She drones on with boring gossip about complete strangers. She tries to find out as much personal information about me as possible - and will later throw the information back at me in an argument even if the information was very normal. I now tell her nothing about myself and try to change the subject. She tries to control me - she doesn't seem to see me as an adult who is free to make my own choices in life. She bombards me with emotional text messages. There is more but I won't bore you.

We have no connection and I don't enjoy being in her company. BI think its hard for people who have normal mums to understand this and they probably see me as cold and heartless - but that's because they haven't experienced what I have. I do feel sorry for my mum and I wish for her and me that it had been different.

We have no connection and I don't enjoy being in her company. BI think its hard for people who have normal mums to understand this and they probably see me as cold and heartless - but that's because they haven't experienced what I have

This 100%. There are two types of people replying in this thread, people with lovely mothers who take OP's side, and people with awful ones who think the OP might be going through similar lol!

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once

So you would be fine with things if you weren't keeping tabs on whether you're getting the same and if "turns" as MIL

Your Dd and dgc are not toys.

Maybe she just likes her MILs company. Y'know maybe they're friends

I call DM out of duty. I call my MIL more because I like talking to her and value her opinion
I don't have to give DM an extra duty call to make evens for every time I fancy a chat with MIL

Lots of interesting ideas on this thread and impossible to tell exactly what is going on without other views, but the gd is only two!
Once she's older and not needing constant vigilance, it's likely that the dd will be more relaxed about being around.
My parents meant to be helpful but I couldn't leave ds with them for long as they would forget to consider nappy changes and never understood child safety. Once he was 3-4, toilet trained and articulate, they could build much more of a relationship. My ILs wanted to see the kids more in principle but in reality are very elderly (unable to reach to a toddler let alone chase one) and would forget about them when there. Now they are 7+, the kids enjoy listening to Granny's stories and love her being an appreciative audience to theirs (she's very deaf but an excellent actress and can fake huge enthusiasm!)

So things may well change - don't burn bridges now.

Mamary, I think you're projecting and doing the Op a dis-service by suggesting she may not see much of her DGD because she's like your mum. She could be anything but.

And yes, I do know what being the mother of a child with special needs is like.

That’s pretty shitty of her
She seems to like her MIL. Why is it "shitty" to spend more time with people you like?

The likes of @PancakeInMaBelly & @Vibe2018 ...
as long as you are happy to reap what you sow and have adult children that are as dispassionate towards you then all is fair .

If I was "happy" to have a mother who I'm not comfortable to be around then perhaps I wouldn't be quite so ecstatic & grateful to have a MIL who is warm, living and good company. Of maybe I would anyway because she's a nice warm person who knows?

living
"loving"

tbh I don’t think OP has a tit for tat vent here - she’s merely quietly questioning why she is being treated differently to the MIL. It’s not just a matter of how much time spent, but for example the effort going into Mother’s Day cards or gifts. It’s not the cost nor the time but the disparity that’s upsetting her. Why does her DD not let her have her GD for an afternoon? Why does MIL get the home made card from GD? It’s the differences that she is feeling more and tbh at least she’s venting here rather than to DD.

But why does the DD have to treat the people in her life exactly the same? Do you see and speak to your parents exactly as often as your PILs? I bet most people don’t, for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I see my parents once a week and my PILs once every two or three months. My MIL usually gets flowers on mother’s day but my mum doesn’t. All families are different.

The likes of@PancakeInMaBelly&@Vibe2018...
as long as you are happy to reap what you sow and have adult children that are as dispassionate towards you then all is fair .

That's hardly a fair comment is it? Do you think it's their fault that they don't have a close relationship with their mum? I would have thought that it's more their mums reaping what they sowed. Presumably their own children won't grow up to be dispassionate towards them as they are bringing them up to feel loved? Having learnt from their mum's bad example?

And yes, I'm projecting

I really can't tell from the OP's post if she or her Dd are being unreasonable. What is obvious is that neither the OP or her Dd feel comfortable enough to talk to each other openly. I think this is a much bigger issue than which Grandparent your Grandaughter spends time with.

You talk about 'inviting them over' or having your GD. Have you offered to go round to their house? E.g. tell her you're free on Friday, does she need a hand with any jobs.

If she's juggling work, house stuff, appointments, SN, MIL then time is at a premium and probably she is rushed off her feet. If she thinks then that she has to "entertain" you then that is added stress of having the house etc sorted before you visit and she loses that time she had as scheduled for something else. Have you ever asked her if she needs help with anything?

Do you ever try just to see your DD rather than your GD? Maybe she feels like the only reason you want to see her is because you want to see GD.

@strugglingtodomybest wise words indeed

OP I say the same thing to my mum about not having my DSs on my own because she ‘wouldn’t cope’. What I actually mean is:

‘You can’t have them on your own because I don’t trust you to make good decisions, because since you and dad divorced your mental health has become very poor. You’re also getting forgetful and don’t risk assess properly, and I’m worried you might be getting some signs of dementia, like your mum. I don’t think you’d be content just to play in the house. Even if you told me you’d stay in, you’d want to take them out for a walk, and no matter how many times I show you you can’t seem to work the buggy. DS1 isn’t always obedient (what 3-year-old is?) and if he ran off from you you wouldn’t be able to catch him. I’m not happy to leave their car seats for you (which you demand) as you won’t strap them in tightly as you think it looks uncomfortable, and you smoke in your car so it’s very unpleasant to be in. Also, on the smoking front, I know there’s no chance you’d go more than about half an hour without a cigarette, which means you’ll either be smoking in the room with them or leaving them unsupervised. You also badmouth their dad, my DH, subtly, and I don’t want that happening when I’m not around to correct you.’

If I said any of the above to my mother, it would cause world war 3. So I don’t. I do love her very much and I don’t want to hurt her, but my DSs are too precious to risk just to appease her. I make sure she sees them lots but always with me supervising. I’m sure the circumstances will be different for you and your DD but there may just be things your Dd isn’t happy with that she can’t quite face telling you.

I also note your divorce (and presumably then her father stopping seeing her) is fairly recent - your dd may still be finding that very difficult. My parents divorced ten years ago, when I was 18, with a resulting shitty relationship with my dad, and I’m still not ‘over it’. So that may be playing a part somehow. When I visit my mum I often think how different it would be if my parents were still together, and how their relationship with my DSs would be very different as well.

Is there any resentment in your attitude towards her DBro?
He’s still living at home - does he pay rent or anything? Does she feel like he’s getting an easy ride courtesy of you