When did Grandchild become Pay-per-View? (Grandparents perspective)

[Wheresmyturn]

I have a DD who is 25 and has a 2 year old DD of her own.

I've always tried to be a good mum to DD and her DBro. I'm single since their dad left me a few years ago, he never sees or speaks to either of my children and has never met my GD.

I live a short 15 minute walk from my DD. She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change. This is the only time I get with DD/GD. I've offered to visit them at DDs flat, I've offered to meet her in town for a coffee with or without GD (DD is married and her husband is GD dad) - I always offer to pay as I know money can be tight with a young child, I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little. DD says she doesn't have time and she'll see me at my house on that one Sunday.

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once a week she looks after her on her own and then meets DD in town for a meal sometimes too. When I ask DD about it she says her MIL pays for GD to have private SALT because the NHS waiting lists for both were long - GD has a speech delay and glue ear - and that's why she gets to see her more because MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

I feel really hurt. I work but can't afford to offer similar for GD, I didn't realise she was pay-per-view. The MIL will also get a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, and a hand made card by GD from "her son" (aka DD) on Mother's Day, she gets similar on her birthday and at Christmas. I'm lucky if I get a 20p card from a charity shop. That's not to say I mind, I appreciate a card I just thought my DD and I were close and I'd see her more often considering I live so nearby. Her MIL is about half an hours drive a way so not a huge distance but it still stinks.

How can this be? It just doesn't seem fair. If it's relevant me and the MIL are the same age, and both still working so it's not a case of the MIL having more time I don't think. I just don't think my DD has the time for me anymore.

In the nicest way, you are being ridiculous. My MIL and SIL have made the same complaints about how much they see DD. My mum provides free childcare one day a week and then we try to see MIL at the weekends. But she works anti-social hours, lives an hour away and doesn’t actually pay DD any attention when she does see her.

But the narrative now is all about how hard done by she is because my mum sees her more.

Your DDs MIL obviously has the time and money to support your DD, who sounds like she is coping with a difficult situation. Be happy for her that she has that support. Would you rathe she struggles more but saw you and MIL the same amount? Be reasonable. You are making your own daughter out to be grabby rather than appreciative of the extra support she gets from MIL.

I'm thinking along the same lines as Fairylea and Birds about your GD's disabilities.

I am wondering this too, I avoided people who had in the past made comments about autism or speech delay.
I also avoided people who were judgemental about children's behaviour in general in fear of being judged. Even something like tutting at a mum dealing with a tantrum in a supermarket.

Although I do agree with pottery princess, I think I am focusing on the speech delay as it is something I have experienced, but it could be any number of reasons why you see her just once a month. I wouldn't delve any deeper in case you find out something you don't want to hear or end up spending even less time with DGD.

For now cherish the time you have with DGD, be respectful of your DD and SIL's wishes and just bide your time as you may see more of her when she is older.

Sometimes people get on with their in laws better than their own family. I think the 20p card versus a nice hand made one lines up with that. In your situation, I wouldn't be digging for more answers about why you're not babysitting etc because I don't think you'll like the response.

Well for the people saying that the daughter comes off badly, I don't think the OP comes off great either.

• In the first post she's totting up time and money spent on the MIL but not her including the value of birthday cards.
• She says that "I literally cook a meal, serve it and then they go home" although later she clarifies that actually they spend a few hours there.
• She says that "despite getting pregnant straight out of university (unplanned) she's done well for herself". Oh, despite that, really. I'm sure your DD never picked up on that attitude when she lived with you after university.
• DD isn't close with her brother at all, so he's not exactly a draw for the big family Sunday roast. OP also makes a comment about it being 'the only time he comes out of his room' - rather judgmental tone again.
• When she's asked about possible grudges about discipline, OP says "as teenagers I'd confiscate things/take screen time/parties/trips with friends away, but she had everything she needed for her education, bedroom decorated how she wanted, allowed friends over etc". The discipline sounds quite harsh (trips with friends?) but the 'qualifiers' are very unimpressive - she 'had everything she needed for her education', what a warm and loving picture that paints.
• " I don't want to be seen to compare myself to the MIL" although of course she's kept a quiet eye on every birthday and Christmas present the MIL has ever received and has a detailed calendar of the time MIL spends with GD and why.

Personally I think that OP comes across as a bit haughty and judgemental. Instead of a post about how sad she is that she can't offer the same time and money that MIL can, she posts about how upset she is that her daughter made her granddaughter 'pay to play' . Rubs me the wrong way, is all.

I know that GD will never get better

So, your GD really has long-term disabilities, not just glue ear and an associated (temporary) speech delay? That really changes things. This can't be about what's fair to you, it has to be about whatever your DD feels able to handle. She is probably on the edge of coping.

Do whatever you can do to make DD's life easier (whatever she feels comfortable to allow you to do) and and don't make demands.

I did say she has a muscle condition

1. You need to stop comparing yourself and the Mil, comparison is the thief of joy and all that. If Mil wasn't around would you be happy with the once a month Sunday lunches?

2. your DD is 25. It's still very young and she may be wanting to be independent and not feel like she is still a child dependent on her mother. This may be a particularly strong feeling after becoming a mother herself. She may not feel the same with her Mil who is not her parent and maybe has a more equal adult to adult relationship.

3. The issue may be her brother and not you. I don't get along with my brother (understatement as he sexually abused me) but my mother won't accept this and is always trying to force us together. Also I would never leave my DD with her because I don't trust her to keep DD safe. She doesn't believe there is a problem with him so why would she keep them apart like I do?

You said her brother walks her home from your house, why does he do this? It is only a 15 minute walk and they don't get along so it isn't to have a nice chat.

I realise I'm projecting my own situation here, but something doesn't sound right there.

I agree with Hont1986
You do seem to be keeping score and implying that the other grandparent is buying time with the GC. To be honest, I don't think it would occur to most people to see that kind of generosity being used to manipulate access to a GC.
You're not entitled to weekly visits just because MIL gets them.
If you want to increase contact with your DD, I'd take an honest look at how you interact with her.

He always offers to walk her home and DD accepts, I don't think it's anything untoward and I don't think they've ever fallen out or anything awful like sexual abuse (poor you MissWilmotts) he just offers and she accepts.

Dear OP, I'm sorry that you are in this position, it must be awful and I would be really upset by it. It's also really hard to bring this kind of thing up without seeming manipulative.
If I were you I would just concentrate or creating a good relationship with your GS when you do see him, have lots of fun, watch cartoons together after lunch etc. He will always be your GS, whether you see him much now or not, you can lay the foundation for him wanting to seek you out when he is older.
Not sure what your DD problem is though, (haven't rtf) but maybe she takes your cooking, love and support for granted, which I guess is a kind of a complement in a strange way?
I think you should also try to have a bit more of a life for yourself as well, maybe join a dating site? That way all of this won't feel quite so bad. Good luck OP

Even you're user name has an entitled ring to it Wheresmyturn

I did say she has a muscle condition

Sorry, I missed that. But your GD has multiple and long-term disabilities. So this can't be about what is fair to you. It has to be about GD's needs first and DD's needs second because she is mother and carer. Your wish for "fair" access comes many miles behind those.

You are trying to do the right thing but you do seem completely at sea in your relationship with your DD. Keep the lunches going for the time being at least.

She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change

OP it sounds like both your kids seem to avoid you. I'm sorry but from the general tone of your post you sound like a bit of a nightmare and that's probably the reason you aren't that close.

Personally I'd rather have my MIL look after dc over my mother any day. Not that my mums not qualified or that I don't love her, she just makes things difficult in her own way. She says she's flexible but she shows up an hour or 2 late for things, changes original plans without telling me, and criticises me for little things I do as parent and tells me that's not the way she did it, just generally making me feel like bad mom and making sticking to a routine difficult. These things build up into a lot of frustration over time and I can only bear her for an hour or two a week. Make sure you're not doing any of these little things to her. Also once a week is a lot if she's working; how much alone time does she get with her kid? How much alone time does she get with herself? Maybe offer to babysit for a date night once a fortnight.

MIL pays for practical help that your really GD needs. That's not paying to get more access. I will be very sad if my own mum said the title of this thread.

OP - I don't think you sound like a nightmare, and I think some posters have given you a bit of a kicking. Much may be down to simple logistics (your availability only at weekends and some Fridays) and DGS's disabilities

It sounds like she doesn't really want to see her MIL as much as she does, it's just a condition of the financial support. Maybe she really is busy/tired or needs her own space. Or maybe she finds your relationship difficult for a reason that you are unaware of. It's hard to say without actually knowing the history or asking your DD outright. Things don't have to be 'fair' though. My Dad keeps count of how much we see my Mum vs. how much we see him and it's really hard work tbh.

It sounds like she doesn't really want to see her MIL as much as she does, it's just a condition of the financial support.

I think this bit might be the OP's wishful thinking and/or the daughter trying to pacify the mother.

"I think this bit might be the OP's wishful thinking and/or the daughter trying to pacify the mother."

Yup!

How much time is she spending with her MIL-a couple of lunches, a couple of hours in town-when Op isn't about anyway?

Your DD has a lot to deal with - working, a young child, her husband works full time.
Trying to fit that around seeing you, who is also working full time, is hard.

Looking at your posts in this thread, you come across as hard work to be around. You seem to criticise and complain about your children, about the presents and cards they gift you and you complain that the presents and cards aren't as good as what you think other people get.
Complaining about how long your DD and family stay for. The whole pay per view comment.

I can't really tell if you are showing much interest in your DGD when talking to your DD or if you are interacting with your DGD when she is visiting, but if you aren't, that may be why your DD does not want you to look after your DGD.

Maybe you are just writing these things on this thread to get it out of your system, but if you are saying this to your DD, it may not have come across in the right way, and that is likely to be why someone would take a step back from being around you. It simply becomes too hard work to have to listen to complaints, bitterness and jealousy.

I'm certain you only want the best for your DD, her husband and your DGD, so maybe what you should to do is to ensure that you are far more supportive and positive around her, rather than complain and criticise.

On thing I noticed about your post is you said you even offered to go swimming or to soft play with GD even though you hated it when Dd was young. How has your relationship with your daughter been on a long term basis? Is there any chance, rightly or wrongly your DD could think you didn’t bother so much with her when young and now you’re asking to do all these things with GD? Is there any chance DD has struggled with GDs issues and grateful for the practical support From mil whereas she sees you as demanding some of her time? Why does DS only come out of his room when DD is here?

Going to take a different view of things and ask why your DD never invites you round for a meal, OP?

Did you notice the bit where OP said her DD is caring for her DD with illness and SN at home, working part time herself, and has a DP who works full time?

The OP goes out for lunch with her MiL a couple of times a month. She doesn't cook dinner for her. She isn't having a round of dinner parties to which the OP is not invited.

your feelings, because they are just as valid as her own.

Sorry but no, they are really not. The OP has been crying "unfair" and "it stinks". In the circumstances that is really not valid.

I am laughing so hard at someone using the username UpsideDownBrain judging OP's character by her username.

I am laughing so hard at someone using the username UpsideDownBrain judging OP's character by her username.