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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When did Grandchild become Pay-per-View? (Grandparents perspective)

179 replies

Wheresmyturn · 20/02/2018 12:39

I have a DD who is 25 and has a 2 year old DD of her own.

I've always tried to be a good mum to DD and her DBro. I'm single since their dad left me a few years ago, he never sees or speaks to either of my children and has never met my GD.

I live a short 15 minute walk from my DD. She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change. This is the only time I get with DD/GD. I've offered to visit them at DDs flat, I've offered to meet her in town for a coffee with or without GD (DD is married and her husband is GD dad) - I always offer to pay as I know money can be tight with a young child, I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little. DD says she doesn't have time and she'll see me at my house on that one Sunday.

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once a week she looks after her on her own and then meets DD in town for a meal sometimes too. When I ask DD about it she says her MIL pays for GD to have private SALT because the NHS waiting lists for both were long - GD has a speech delay and glue ear - and that's why she gets to see her more because MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

I feel really hurt. I work but can't afford to offer similar for GD, I didn't realise she was pay-per-view. The MIL will also get a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, and a hand made card by GD from "her son" (aka DD) on Mother's Day, she gets similar on her birthday and at Christmas. I'm lucky if I get a 20p card from a charity shop. That's not to say I mind, I appreciate a card I just thought my DD and I were close and I'd see her more often considering I live so nearby. Her MIL is about half an hours drive a way so not a huge distance but it still stinks.

How can this be? It just doesn't seem fair. If it's relevant me and the MIL are the same age, and both still working so it's not a case of the MIL having more time I don't think. I just don't think my DD has the time for me anymore.

OP posts:
Love51 · 20/02/2018 13:12

Strange obsession with money. One set of grandparents give my kids quite a bit of funding, it hasn't affected my or dhs opinion of them (we liked them to start with and still do). But the giving of the money is an extension of how they feel towards the parents and children - love them and want to make their lives easier!

londonmummy1966 · 20/02/2018 13:12

Not clear from your OP. Have you offered to collect and take your GD to soft play/the park etc on her own to give your DD a break rather than always wanting the 2 of them together? Most mothers of small DC would do anything for an hour's peace and quiet.

SweetMoon · 20/02/2018 13:13

It does sound unfortunately like your DD dosnt like spending time with you for whatever reason. There must be a reason though as its really not normal behaviour for a daughter living 15 minutes walk away.

If I was you I'd be racking my brains to think of what I might have done. Failing that, just ask her.

Original poster
Wheresmyturn · 20/02/2018 13:14

Easie we had a bit of a tough time when she was a teen but nothing out of the ordinary, she was quite academic and did well in school. And despite getting pregnant straight out of university (unplanned) she's done well for herself in her chosen field.

DS and DD have never really been close. They talk to each other when together and DS went to DDs wedding but they're not really friends and wouldn't contact each other outside of seeing each other unless absolutely necessary, so doubt he'd know anything more than I do.

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 20/02/2018 13:14

It seems like your dd knows that the money for her child's medical help will stop if she isn't suitably gushing or avoids visits. Maybe the mil is also jealous of any time her dgd has with other grandparents so your dd is trying to placate her in that way too. Sad situation but if there's been no bust up then I suspect the mil is driving this.
Do you work? Could you maybe offer a days childcare a week or something?

DancesWithOtters · 20/02/2018 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/02/2018 13:15

" I literally cook a meal, serve it and then they go home,"

That doesn't really seen to agree with " likes our Sundays together." does it?

Does she only see you out of duty?

Is her husband there also or is she rushing to get back to him as they don't see much of each other?

NachoAddict · 20/02/2018 13:16

Could you offer to take DD for the day one Saturday/Sunday a month so that your DD gets time alone with her DH and you get to see GD?

Hillarious · 20/02/2018 13:17

Cherish what you have and build on that. Don't compare your standing with that of the MIL.

Fattymcfaterson · 20/02/2018 13:18

Does your DD come on her own to your house, or does her DH come too?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2018 13:19

Aww massive hugs, how has your relationship with your dd been in the past? I don't see my mum much, but neither of us drive and she lives a distance away, if I lived so near, I would see her regularly.

BlueMirror · 20/02/2018 13:19

I also agree that offering to take your gd somewhere rather than meet up is likely to be more readily accepted. That obviously wouldn't mean any more time with your dd though.

Original poster
Wheresmyturn · 20/02/2018 13:20

MIL has GD on a weekday, and then they meet for lunch once or twice a month again usually in the week. Not sure of the MILs working pattern. I work Mon-Fri, but every 5 weeks do Mon-Thurs for 2 weeks.

I offer to have GD on my own but my DD says I won't cope so it's not a good idea.

No bust up that I'm aware of. My ExH and I split when both children were in University (my sons 12 months younger so 24). I'm teetotal with alcohol. I would discipline both her and her brother in a similar way, as teenagers I'd confiscate things/take screen time/parties/trips with friends away, but she had everything she needed for her education, bedroom decorated how she wanted, allowed friends over etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresmyturn · 20/02/2018 13:20

Son-In-Law comes a maybe every other month or so, he works sometimes on a Sunday.

OP posts:
Hont1986 · 20/02/2018 13:21

To be honest I think with a family of her own, seeing you every month is pretty good.

If you want to see GD more, have you offered to babysit?

BlueMirror · 20/02/2018 13:22

Do you know why she doesn't think you will cope with your gd but she trusts mil to look after her? If not I would ask her and hopefully you can reassure her about anything she thinks you won't cope with.

agbnb · 20/02/2018 13:22

But , op, and imean this gently... You don't need us to speculate on why, or for you to present it as payper view.

You DD has already explained - she is juggling work, her DD special needs, mil expectations, running a household. She's told you she struggles with time to fit more in. And when they do get an occasional free day as a family as the three of them, they might want to spend it together as a small family unit.

You have an expectation to see G kids, fine, but you need to listen to your own daughter when she's telling you she has all these commitments and actually helping her than demanding more visits /trying to guilt trip her really isn't on.

You seem to have forgotten what it's like raising small children, working, keeping up a strong relationship with her DH.. imean, does your DD ever get any time to herself? Just to get a haircut or catch up with a friend for a coffee for an hour? Can you help facilitate that?

rocketgirl22 · 20/02/2018 13:24

Your dd clearly is having problems with your GD health, and that must be taking up a huge amount of her time, energy and money. This is almost certainly why she has no time, if she is also working 2 days a week it is not difficult to see that she doesn't have much time.

Your MIL is offering much more than money, she seems to be caring for your GD as well as offering emotional support.

Are you supporting your dd and dg in other ways than just money?

Have you offered to look after your GD whilst your dd works? Listened to her worries about her child, offered to babysit to give them a break?

If all you are doing is churning out one lunch every month and in all others ways not involved then it is not surprising that other people have stepped in to help her instead.

Although you describe your relationship as close, to me you sound distant and neutral, so maybe your wish for this kind of closeness is not being translated very well.

Original poster
Wheresmyturn · 20/02/2018 13:25

When I offer to have GD my DD just says I won't cope with her. When I ask her to explain further she just says that GD is hard work. I don't want to be seen to compare myself to the MIL so I never ask why she thinks she can cope and I can't.

DD doesn't get much time to herself I don't think, but if she won't let me help there's nothing I can do is there?

OP posts:
AprilW · 20/02/2018 13:25

There is obviously a lot more to this than meets the eye. The woman doesn't particularly want to spend any time at all with her mother, there must be more to it.

YY. I know you can say 'well, I'd like to hear the other side of this story' about practically every AIBU post, but stuff about parent/child relationships is particularly tricky. The behaviour in question is usually the cumulative result of a life-long pattern of interaction and choices and history, and it's very hard for the OP to be objective.

None of us are objective, either, because we all tend to project our own parent/child dynamics. One person may see this as a very sad situation with an unappreciative daughter and well-meaning parent, but those of us with overbearing, passive aggressive parents will see phrases like I wouldn't mind, but... and I'm lucky if..., and dramatic things like 'pay-per-view grandchild' and '20p charity shop card', and think... well, I expect there's another side to this.

I don't think seeing your grandchild once a month is particularly terrible, by the way. As long as your daughter's not in a vulnerable position, I'd resist the urge to push for more contact and just enjoy the time you do spend together. One of a million different interpretations could be that she's trying hard to be independent and build a life for herself after spending her child's first months in your home.

diddl · 20/02/2018 13:26

"To be honest I think with a family of her own, seeing you every month is pretty good. "

I think it's abysmal considering she is only 15mins walk away!

That said, she works 2 days, sees MIL 1 day, Op works so that does only really leave weekends.

But if she's only doing it once a month, you'd think that she'd do more that eat & run!

What days does she work-any chances on the Fris that you don't work?

whiskyowl · 20/02/2018 13:29

Why doesn't she get on with her brother? Could this be the key?

Original poster
Wheresmyturn · 20/02/2018 13:29

She works Tuesday and Wednesday, the MIL has GD on a Tuesday and she goes to childminder on Wednesdays.

OP posts:
FancyNewBeesly · 20/02/2018 13:29

Honestly, if you’re working all week then that only leaves weekends. Since I had my boys my weekends have huge demands on them, and it’s the only time we all have as a family. Given that, and the fact she sees MIL during the week, I think once a month sounds about right sadly.

I also have a child with a serious illness and it is extremely stressful and exhausting. I don’t feel I can leave him with someone else as it’s just too risky. Could you perhaps offer to visit after work occasionally and help with bedtime etc so you can learn what needs to be done, possibly with a view to giving your daughter a night off some time? Then you could maybe spend a bit of time together once your GD is in bed?

I do understand how difficult it is and how tiring it is, and the feeling that others couldn’t cope with the medical side of things so you can’t even contemplate it - but maybe you could help her build up to it?

BlueMirror · 20/02/2018 13:31

You could say something like 'well MIL copes with her and we're about the same age' or something (if that's the case). She might then elaborate about why it's ok to leave her with mil and you could reassure her that you are also capable of doing those things. Tell her that you know her and dh don't have a lot of free time and you'd really like to help?