When did Grandchild become Pay-per-View? (Grandparents perspective)

[Wheresmyturn]

I have a DD who is 25 and has a 2 year old DD of her own.

I've always tried to be a good mum to DD and her DBro. I'm single since their dad left me a few years ago, he never sees or speaks to either of my children and has never met my GD.

I live a short 15 minute walk from my DD. She visits me once a month on a Sunday with GD we have a roast dinner and my son comes out of his room for a change. This is the only time I get with DD/GD. I've offered to visit them at DDs flat, I've offered to meet her in town for a coffee with or without GD (DD is married and her husband is GD dad) - I always offer to pay as I know money can be tight with a young child, I've even offered to go to a soft play centre or swimming even though I hated these things when my own children were little. DD says she doesn't have time and she'll see me at my house on that one Sunday.

I wouldn't mind and would accept it but I see her MIL gets to see my GD once a week she looks after her on her own and then meets DD in town for a meal sometimes too. When I ask DD about it she says her MIL pays for GD to have private SALT because the NHS waiting lists for both were long - GD has a speech delay and glue ear - and that's why she gets to see her more because MIL insists on seeing her once per week minimum because she pays for the therapy and DD feels she has to make it up to MIL so buys her a meal once a month or so.

I feel really hurt. I work but can't afford to offer similar for GD, I didn't realise she was pay-per-view. The MIL will also get a huge bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, and a hand made card by GD from "her son" (aka DD) on Mother's Day, she gets similar on her birthday and at Christmas. I'm lucky if I get a 20p card from a charity shop. That's not to say I mind, I appreciate a card I just thought my DD and I were close and I'd see her more often considering I live so nearby. Her MIL is about half an hours drive a way so not a huge distance but it still stinks.

How can this be? It just doesn't seem fair. If it's relevant me and the MIL are the same age, and both still working so it's not a case of the MIL having more time I don't think. I just don't think my DD has the time for me anymore.

I have some friends who are a couple of retirement age and when their Ds married they used to help the couple out financially especially as the couple had a young baby. Dc no 2 followed and they are still "helping out"
The lady developed a chronic health problem and had to retire early and husband reached retirement age shortly after the diagnosis. The young couple were told that the financial assistance had to stop as they couldn't afford it any longer. their reaction "If you won't give us any more money then you can't see the grandchildren"
The older couple stood firm thinking it was an idle threat, it wasn't.
Now that is pay per view

Son-In-Law works Monday-Friday but has to do a Sunday sometimes I'm not sure how often, sometimes he comes sometimes not and DD will say he's at home.

How were you towards disabilities before your GD's diagnosis?

There are family members that I wouldn't have left my Autistic DD or my other ADHD DD with because they just didn't believe what the Doctors were saying. They would have put my DDs in danger "because that's how they learn" . They wasn't the type to follow instructions because they didn't like being told etc.

Lovely people, but can't be in charge of someone with a disability.

I wonder why you haven't had a proper conversation with your DD, tbh.

In regards to her MIL. Its very generous that she does support her and your GD financially and you should be grateful to her.

I dont think any of us can have the first idea whats going on here. Family relationships are very complex and each person will have their own version of this story. I am lucky enough to have ten grand children. All my relationships are very different. Because they are so many I dont feel left out if one family are living their own life and I don't see them. I realise I speak from a lucky place but I had a MIL who felt entitled/hurt/etc and I am determined not to ask too much of busy young parents. I am not sure this is about money, and indeed it would be very unhelpful for mending relationships to suggest it was. Sometimes we grandmas have to work hard to do the giving. I am not saying you dont. One of my daughters needed me badly when her twins were newborn. Her MIL was very jealous and demanding. Now they help with after school care and I dont see much of them but I dont feel jealous. Perhaps its harder for you on your own. I do my best to be available to help when I am asked but I have no expectations. Luckily it works for us

I regards to the presents. I accepted that my DD would get fliwers/things for her DPs GM because they had a more 'showy' relationship that wasn't as real as ours, iyswim.

@AprilW so true. The one thing that is obvious though is the the daughter would spend more time with her mother if she wanted. She doesn't so pushing for any more would be a VERY bad idea. It would upset the equilibrium that is tentatively balanced (from my personal interpretation).

Searching for the whys/whats/hows...is it of any use really when it really is working 'ok' and thats the best a lot of people can hope for in many family situations. Especially when its very clear the daughter just doesn't want to spend any more, or probably less, time with her mother or brother. Once a month is what she can do/handle.

It's no secret hoodwinking or emotional blackmail, or dark past no doubt, she probably just has nothing in common with her mother or brother anymore and gets on much better with her in-laws and friends.

It definitely sounds like a bit of an excuse that her mother in law expects more time, no doubt to spare her own mothers feelings. This is why delving deeper would not be wise op. I honestly think all it would do is reduce your Sunday lunches to every other month i'm afraid...then how long until it's just Christmas or birthdays?

Definitely don't investigate futher

I've honestly never seen GD tantrum, she can be a bit grabby with things she wants but can't have by DD always steps in and stops her, so she'll sometimes pull at my cats fur but DD stops her - they have a cat themselves so it's just reinforcing behaviour I assume.

So what you get is two hours of GD on her very best behaviour with DD watching like a hawk to make sure she doesn't grab anything she shouldn't? Do you think DD is trying to take GD home before she gets fractious?

Does DD go out of the room and leave you with GD?

To me it just sounds like weekends are too precious. I know how that feels . Would you be able to suggest that your DD and GD come to visit you one evening in the week for a meal? Doesn't have to be a late one. When mine were little my parents used to look after whichever of my children were pre-school, and then pick up the school age ones from school. I used to visit in the evenings for dinner and then take everyone home. Now two have left school and DS2 is at secondary DS2 and I simply visit them every Wednesday evening.

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you haven’t made any negative comments about GD’s disability and aren’t the sort who makes unhelpful suggestions / comments, suggests some alternative medicine nonsense and so on (although if you do any of those things I’d suggest stopping it!). I completely took my mum for granted when she was alive and lived nearby, barely saw her. I had health issues and she wasn’t supportive at all. Then she became seriously ill and we spent all our time together - I do wish I’d figured it out sooner that life is too short.

Please do talk to your DD and offer support, offer to pop round, offer to talk - sounds like there are so many demands on her time.

No one here knows the full story, could be many an explanation. Speak to DD openly and honestly. Hopefully things will change but you can’t force dd to have you in their lives.

Have you tried offering to babysit for GD on a Friday or Saturday night so DD and her husband can go out together?

I'd happily have her on one of the Fridays i'm off or a Saturday.

I don't finish work until 6, so by the time I'm home it's passed GDs bedtime so I can't really do a meal in the week.

Dances, yes that’s true, but as you say there isn’t really any other time. And at least this would be making DD’s life easier rather than placing additional burdens on her (trying to fit everything in and keep everyone happy).

@Arapaima it honestly sounds to me like everyone is happy.

Except the op

This is just a case where unfortunately unless the daughter wants to spend more time with her mother or allow her mother to car for her daughter (she plainly doesn't wish to do either) then the only solution is to continue as.

Upsetting the apple cart in this situation seems like such a bad idea, at least she sees her once a month, some grandparents its once a year

have you mentioned how often she sees her dad with baby?

I would also be honest one day - perhaps if your relaxed just say you had a chat to work colleague was who was also told couldn't cope and you realized you never actually understood what she meant by that..

I'm thinking along the same lines as Fairylea and Birds about your GD's disabilities.
Think back, have you ever tried in your way to 'make light' of her disabilities. Have you ever suggested your DD is fussing too much and all children do that, give it a few months and she'll catch up, all children do things at their own speed and she's worrying about nothing and other platitudes, because all of that minimising and disregarding of medically diagnosed disabilities that your GD needs help with now and may do for the rest of her life are the most ignorant and soul-destroying things you could have said to your DD. Trivialising a child's disabilities, usually because you don't want to think of the consequences, is a vile thing to do.

The relatives of mine who have said stuff like that and worse like "Has she grown out of it yet?" get absolutely minimal contact.
That attitude is the most hurtful and degrading thing anyone can show to the parent of a disabled child.

Relatives who have taken an interest in dd's disabilities, who have read up on them and want to discuss different treatments, who have sat down and thought about things that may help in day-to-day living I do have a lot of time for.

Have a think OP because if you have been one of the people who have minimised and trivialised, then you're lucky to see your GD as much as you do.

And say to her - AFTER she has given more reasons on the no coping,...i know you think I wont cope but I wanted to let youi know I am here if you should ever need me, baby sit or look after you anything

YY Obscure.

Its so frustrating when people just say " oh she will be fine, theres nothing wrong" or dont seem to understand health issues, I cant trust MIL for this reason,

While there are always two sides to every story and the truth is usually in the middle somewhere, I do feel for you OP. As a gran I see one GD regular and can phone her DM my DD and say "fancy a coffee, meet you at x place" anytime, within reason. My other DGC live out of the area so I don't see them as often but speak to them on skype and the phone a couple of times a week (usually).

How about just explaining to your DD if you could afford it you would do more for DGD? Offer to help out with things that don't cost money or not a lot of money. It's a difficult one. As grandparents it's our job to respect fully our grandchildren's parents and that often mean biting our tongue. My DC know where I am and can ask for help anytime. Sometimes they do, other times not. I think I've got to the point of having such a good relationship with them all at the the expense of a very bloody tongue but I'd always do it to keep the relationship I have with them.

Funnily enough, when they ask my opinion about things, again nibbling my tongue, I always give the opinion I think they would want to hear. Not the best situation but it most definitely keeps the peace.

I've never ever mentioned GDs disabilites negatively. DD told me from the moment she was born that GD was different and she doesn't know why. I told her to follow her instincts and I'll always love them both no matter what. I have researched the conditions and I do ask questions but I don't want it to be wrong or for DD to feel like she always has to explain, I'm her mother not a police officer ingratiating her for information. I know quite a lot about the muscle condition as I looked it up and I know that GD will never get better, but with the right treatments she should be able to manage.