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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this mother is horrible for not inviting my daughter

482 replies

WomanInTheMirrorStaresAtMe · 20/02/2018 12:20

Birthday party one...
Girl next door having a birthday party, she is in the same class, year 1, as my daughter. There are 11 girls in the class.

Around Xmas the girl next door started being a bit mean to DD. It came to a head when she pushed DD over at school and she hit her head on the playground. We were called because they suspected concussion and the teacher said she had also informed girls parents. Teacher said DD did nothing wrong, didn't even retaliate and that as far as they were aware after speaking to girls and their peers it has all been one way nastiness. Girls made up, as they do, and are fine now but her mother has ignored me since, deleted me from Facebook and glares at me on school run and when we pass outside. Silly but whatever...

So back to the birthday party. Every single girl in the class is invited except DD. Invites were given out on morning school run. The girls were all together waiting to go in. Next door girl handed them to everyone but DD, telling her that she wasn't invited cos her mum says she not allowed. DD looked upset but I took her aside and said we would have a day out, she wasn't impressed... NDN mother just stared at us.

I have found out when the party is and will take DD out so she hasn't got to see all her friends arriving and hear the party, but seriously, this mum is an absolute bitch isn't she? And I have to live next door to her!!! DD seems a bit confused more than anything but is upset as thinks our neighbours must not like her.

I know moaning about kids not being invited to parties is normally seen as unreasonable but I am not in this instance am I??

OP posts:
MadMags · 20/02/2018 13:06

I will ask DD if she wants to make her a card. If she does she can pop it through the letterbox after the party has happened.

I wouldn’t! I really wouldn’t want to remind my dd of it...

mydietstartsmonday · 20/02/2018 13:07

Go an do something amazing with your daughter, make sure a photo is taken and take to school - maybe inside skydiving or to a musical or afternoon tea.

Not a nice thing to do. Your daughter sounds like a lovely girl so I am sure you are proud. Maybe a little gift from wherever you go.

GetsPostByOwl · 20/02/2018 13:08

Well that's nice that it's been noticed. A little part of me would hope that they decline their invites because of the unfairness but I guess it's not fair on the birthday girl. Yes she was a bully once but they made up. The only bully here is the nasty mother.

Take your DD out somewhere fun. (And hopefully somewhere that hands out huge balloons or something that shows where she's been and has obviously had an awesome day! 😂)

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 20/02/2018 13:08

Don’t confront her. She obviously loves drama, don’t rise to it. Take the moral high ground. If the girls are now friends, and these things do happen, you can’t do anything without the mother being involved obviously as they are so young. Sad for your DD but seriously you’re better off without these sorts of twats in your life. Completely ignore her, don’t even look in her direction, act like she doesn’t exist. Trust me, it will wind her up far more than anything you could ever do or say to her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/02/2018 13:09

I would take around a present and card. I would also make sure that I had booked something really exciting for my DC to do that day. The sort of thing that all the children would want to do so if the other children comment on my child not going they would simply say "I'm not going because I am going pony trekking / to Harry Potter world / scuba diving etc." That way its less about being left out and more about doing something exciting so you can't go.

SleepingInNewYork · 20/02/2018 13:09

Considering you live next door, I would invite your DD even if they didn’t get in the same situation. So yes, she is horrible and BU but I think you already know that. It’s hard but all you can do is rise above it and just smile politely whilst having as little to do with the mother as possible.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/02/2018 13:09

I agree, the woman is behaving so childishly. How bloody petty and narrow minded.

I think posting a birthday card through the door is a good idea. It demonstrates you're rising above her silly dramatics and eyeballing and aren't going to get drawn into a feud.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 20/02/2018 13:10

Arrgh, by twats, I meant the woman not the DD Confused

MadMags · 20/02/2018 13:10

Sorry, I have to ask; why would you all buy a present? Do you buy presents for every child you know? Even those whose parties your dc don’t go to?!

beepthemeep · 20/02/2018 13:11

This is probably utter bollocks OP, but thought I'd ask just in case - is the NDN's problem with you definitely because of what happened with the girls? Or do you think she could have taken umbrage at something you did around Christmas time which is why her daughter started to be mean to yours?

Just wondering if she's taken the girls' issue far too much to heart (because deep down she knows it was her kid at fault) or if the issue was caused by her in the first place. Maybe you had a nicer tree or something???

Eltonjohnssyrup · 20/02/2018 13:12

I suspect her DD will have given a different side to the story, You obviously believe your DDs side of the story and she believes hers.

It could (for example) that her daughter was at fault in that incident but there had been incidents leading up to it in which your DD had not been pleasant.

You have two choices. Either ignore it or speak to her to get her side of the story, clear the air and be prepared to hear your DD is not blameless. Or ignore and have a day out. .

From reading on here though, the usual reason given for excluding one child is that they are a bully who would spoil the day for the birthday child. You might want to consider that.

Charmatt · 20/02/2018 13:13

She's a petty mother, but rise above it. My son had learning difficulties and a couple of parents wouldn't invite him to parties because they didn't want others to think their son's were friends with him. It hurt at the time, but I realised that they had that choice. I also thought it was a bit pathetic.

Fast forward 11 years and he's at college and I'm so proud of the progress he is making. One of the parents saw me in the supermarket the other day and told me her son had been diagnosed with Aspergers since and she hadn't realised how people reacted to such things and that she and him had been excluded from social things as a result. She then apologised for leaving my son out of parties. However, it was probably a good thing in the long run. My son doesn't need false friends and I am glad to be away from such people!

In the long run, parties don't matter - it is the true friendships that will matter to your daughter in the long term.

MissDollyMix · 20/02/2018 13:16

If one of my DD's close friends were being treated like this I would offer to skip the party and take your DD and mine out for a treat somewhere. My DD wouldn't be keen to go to the party of a girl who had been unkind to her friend anyway. Do you have any close friends amongst the mothers in the class whom you can collude with?

Charmatt · 20/02/2018 13:16

the usual reason given for excluding one child is that they are a bully who would spoil the day for the birthday child.

I disagree - there are a several reasons why parents leave a child out of a party.

logicalmum · 20/02/2018 13:20

Greensleeves how absolutely awful, people never fail to shock how nasty they are.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/02/2018 13:21

I’d just remind DD that her friend wanted to invite her, but her Mum would let her, that sometimes grown ups stay cross about things they shouldn’t, but not to let it affect their friendship.

Going out to avoid the party next door is a good idea, but I personally wouldn’t make a big fat fuss over it, just visit friends or grandparents etc. IMO going out somewhere ‘special’ just makes it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. It’s a disappointment, but not the end of the world. There will be far more dramas over the years, learning a little resilliance is no bad thing.

As for the mother, she’s barking, but don’t stress, she’ll make a muppet of herself one too many times. It’s a PITA you live next door, but try not to let it get to you. If DD wants to ask her DD over to,play, let her go and ask etc. She’ll soon see it’s her own DD she’s hurting carrying this stupidity on.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 20/02/2018 13:21

Charmatt, if you have a search on here, with NT kids, 95% of the time, the question asked is normally ‘can I exclude a bully’. And the answer is ‘Yes, as long as it’s not a whole class party’. Which this woman has done. So she’s really followed MN etiquette to the letter.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/02/2018 13:21

Why would you all buy a present?

I think it shows OP's taken the moral high ground, she's not going to get involved in a feud every time their dds fall out.
She lives next door so it makes life a damn sight easier if this mother has the wind taken out of her sails. She can't huff and glare every time they see each other when OP has extended a small olive branch.

Added to that, the girls have made up and are friends at school.

*when I say present, I mean a token gift Maltesers from Poundland or something

melonscoffer · 20/02/2018 13:23

It seems that your daughter still has the freindship of the girl next door and is part of a group at school.
These are important to her day to day life rather more than this one party.

Perhaps suggest to your daughter that the girl next door would have wanted to invite your daughter but has to do as her Mother says.

To have a secure and happy time at school is very important and the Mother next door cannot take that away from your daughter.

Help your daughter to see that on the whole she is fortunate to
have good friends which seem to include the girl next door.
Explain that the girl's Mother has perhaps got the wrong end of the stick about the playground incident but that does not affect friendship with the girl next door.

I would give a gift to the girl from your daughter because they are still friends.
It is ultimately not about you and the Mother. Let the girls be nice to each other.

MadMags · 20/02/2018 13:23

See I just think it will look like angling for an invitation.

I also think it’s reminding OP’s dd that there’s a party happening and she’s not invited!

Aeroflotgirl · 20/02/2018 13:24

Honestly, I would not have expected and invitation after what her dd did to yours, and the mother has not handled it well at all and seems like she dislikes you. The reason as to why your dd is not invited is obvious, its because of this girls mother. Please don't take it personally, do something nice for the day, and tell your dd that there will be other parties.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/02/2018 13:24

DollyMix. The girls are friends, the girls have moved past it and play together at school. The child wanted to invite her, it was the Mum who didn’t. Why punish the birthday girl further by causing problems between the girls and dragging another child into it?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/02/2018 13:26

Eltonjohnssyrup. What are you on about? It was the OP’s DD who was pushed over and got hurt.

Iluvthe80s · 20/02/2018 13:29

Rhubarbginmum suggestion about a card and small gift is a good one. Although it goes against natural instinct-it would pave the way for the mother to start talking again. If she doesn't then you know 100% she is a bitch and your DD is probably better not mixing with her child!

melonscoffer · 20/02/2018 13:30

To add to my post above.
If you do go down the present buying road then make sure the gift is put in the girl's hands and not given to the Mother to pass on.
Same with a card, do not put it through the door.

In addition maybe next week or when appropriate send an invitation to the girl to come round and play .